Don't catch a cold!

Don’t catch a cold !1

‘Typical. It was just damned typical, of my luck.’2

The developed world is in a state of utter turmoil and mayhem, as a plague that turns people into flesh eating sneezing Zombies takes hold. What started out as a minor case of mutated Swine flu in Chad soon proved to be a new and unrecorded disease, which kills its victim and then revives the corpse after 48 hours to go out and propagate itself, by further infecting the rest of the world’s population? So far the plague has managed to claim a hold in all the major counties. 3

The World health Organisation has declared a Pandemic.4

The stock markets of the world are experiencing and unprecedented run on the shares of all the worlds manufacturers of tissues, as the reality of the ‘Sneezing Zombies’ spreads fear into the hearts of the population.5

A spokesman for Smyth Klyne the biggest producer of tissues in the United States; is quoted as saying:6

“This situation while being very dire is not to be sniffed at; and we here at Smyth Klyne are doing our very best to keep up with demand. We are running at full capacity. Although supplies may be slow to dribble through at first we expect the flow to pick up in the next 7 to 10 days.”7

‘All this is happening back at home and I am stuck in the freezing cold of Antarctica! Swell, just fandabbydoozy swell.’8

I just sat there in my tiny little hut, with my radio, small stove and my observation equipment; and of course how could I forget about a million Emperor Penguins, the reason I am here. 9

A nine month student sabbatical to the Antarctic to count and study Penguins; it sounded good at the time. And now it has turned out to be a blessing as the rest of the world wrestle with ‘Sneezing Zombies’ I got cold feet, frost nip on my nose and a picture of Angelina Jolie as Lara Croft, stuck on the wall next to the endless bar charts of Penguin stats.10

Back at the South Pole camp the talk is all about the Pandemic back at home and the thoughts of loved ones and families. Some people are talking of going home to be with their families. Others are saying we should stay in isolation just in case the rest of the world is wiped out; then we could repopulate it from here!11

I nearly choked on my dinner at this point. I stopped choking on my piece of steak long enough to look at my fellow Scientists. 12

‘Wow. You got to be joking, me right? Who would want to breed with this load of geeks; let alone think about what there offspring would be like! No, not for me I am happy to take my chances with the Penguins.’13

The plague dominated the topics of conversation from then on. I was glad to get away and be in seclusion with the penguins. I continued to count and monitor the odd characters that they were. Their constant battle with the weather and their mournful braying call could be heard on the scouring wind that seemed to always blow. Out on the flat surface of the ice there was nothing to impede the wind as it transited over the continent at speeds of in excess of 100 mph at times and at a temperature of minus 60.14

Wrapped up in my cold weather gear having just braved going outside for a pee; I look up at ‘Lara’ in her skimpy outfit.15

“Oh you don’t know what your missing here Lara. Or are you in brave battle with a hoard of those ‘Sneezing Zombies’ battling to bring a cure to the world?” All I got back in return was the braying noise of a million Penguins against the soothing sound of, Percy Faith and his orchestra playing, the theme tune from ‘A Summers Place’.16

‘I hope the world survives, or I will go mad just me and a million Penguins! Oh and a load of geeks. Even their music is rubbing off on me!’17

Back at base that evening, the rumour going around was that one of the catering staff was in seclusion and thought to have contracted the ‘Sneezing Zombie Flu!’18

In the mess hall the conversation was stifled to the point of being muted. Everyone had a box of tissues with them and those small medicated pump hand wash dispensers on their belts. There was a subdued panic in the air. 19

By the next evening it was confirmed that the fellow who prepped the salads in the kitchen was in a bad way and not expected to live. And it was confirmed that it was ‘Sneezing Zombie Flu!’ Even the 20

Antarctic was safe now!21

South Pole base now went into quarantine. No personnel where allowed to leave the continent, but work was to carry on as normal for as long as possible.22

The salad chef died that night. There was a meeting to decide what to do with his body before it arose and started to spread the disease. The base commander said that information received from the US, suggested that if the body was suspended in deep freeze conditions; the mutated virus that controlled the body could not function. As seeing that we had the worlds largest and coldest deep freezer right on our own doorstep; it was decided that the body would be taken out and buried in the frozen wastes.23

‘Bob’ the salad chef, or I should say Bob’s body was taken away and laid to rest in an ice grave, in the middle of nowhere.24

People took to staying in their rooms and eating there too. Everyone kept a close scrutiny on each other. Who was going to be next?25

Me I was just glad to get out and to see the Penguins. They had now taken on a new lease of light in my eyes any way. At least they didn’t have to worry about ‘Sneezing Zombie Flu.’ I must admit I was secretly beginning to sneak out food supplies to my observation hut and extra fuel just in case this became my last refuge. Me and ‘Lara Croft’ our last stand against the ‘Mutant Sneezing Zombie Flesh Eaters.’ Good God that’s a mouthful, they could have attacked and devoured me by the time I got that lot out! Any way I was not taking any chances.26

Days and weeks went by and nobody else seemed to show any signs of the dreaded flu and a kind of guarded normality returned to the base; but one sneeze could really wreck that fragile status quo!27

It had come to that time in my observations that I was required to go out and weigh a few specimen Penguins and record their weights and take some blood samples; to see how well they manage out on the cold during the winter, while they keep their eggs incubated on there feet off the cold ice sheet.28

Dressed in the most cumbersome attire that could be designed for a job like this I went out onto the ice sheet to start my records. It was one of those windless and sunny days out on the ice, almost picture postcard, only it would be totally white, a blank card, useless in fact only save fro the fact that you could write on both sides!29

Chasing and catching a four foot high bird that can only waddle whilst carrying an egg on it feet should in theory be a piece of cake. Not so when you can only just waddle marginally faster than it yourself and you would be surprised how warm you get wrestling a four stone tub of lard covered in scaly feathers! And that beak can do you some damage.30

It was while I was weighing the fourth struggling bird that I heard that ominous sound.31

‘Aaaah tissueee!’32

I froze in my movement. Had I heard properly?33

There it was again ‘Aaaah tissueee!’ and the Penguin in my grip gave a shudder as it sneezed. Definitely; it sneezed. I let go of the bird that tumbled over and then slid on its belly to get away from me, leaving its egg behind.34

I stood shocked at what had just happened. I all of my time out studying these birds I had never heard them sneeze before; nor do remember it being recorded any where that they could. This was a scientific discovery. Ok granted not a life changing on e but one all the same.35

It was while I was pondering my greatness at discovering that Penguins sneeze; that I failed to notice them gathering around me and closing in on me. It was only the sound of a lot of Penguins sneezing around me that I came out of my self indulgent reverie.36

Emperor Penguins surrounded me, intently looking at me and over the top of them I could see thousands of abandoned eggs lying on the ice and snow. 37

What was happening?38

Then I something else to think about as I was struck in the thigh by a Penguins beak; I looked down as a Penguin pulled his blood covered beak out of my leg and jabbed me again. Another blow from another Penguin in my buttocks this time; I was under attack by them.39

‘Had this been recorded before…. Stop it you fool your life is at steak do something, before you die. But I was on my back fighting the stabbing beaks punching blindly as a beak stabbed me in the left eye. The pain was excruciating along with the foul smell of fish oil and Penguin shit.40

The beaks rained in and the sound of sneezing and the mournful braying filled my ears along with the dull thud, thud of the falling beaks.41

In my head all I could picture was the lovely ‘Lara Croft’ coming to rescue me. This was cut short by the sudden thought; ‘Just where, did they bury Bob?’42

“Oh no!” I cried in realisation. They had buried Bob in the Penguin colony and the virus had mutated and infected the Penguins. 43

Now, a million Sneezing Mutant Zombie Penguins and me, are now on the loose in Antarctica; Looking for a warm meal. We are waddling, towards the South Pole base!44