“It’s good to see you again Jasmine.” Dr. Murdoch spoke as Jasmine entered his office for their daily meetings. She looked at him for a second, wondering how a person was so good at being fake. Jasmine was tired of going to meetings; she knew there was nothing he could do to help her. 1
“Why are you here Jasmine?” Dr. Murdoch asked. He hoped, everyday, that Jasmine would one day answer it. Yet he was still waiting and she was weeks away from being released. He stared at her realizing all the bruises she had all over her face and neck. Murdoch knew it had happened in here, but Jasmine never said a word. Her Long red curls hung over her shoulders covering most of the bruises and cuts, but she couldn’t do anything to cover them on her face. 2
After a while Jasmine answered. “I still don’t understand what you want me to tell you. Haven’t you read my file? I’m pretty sure you have.” She knew what he wanted her to say, but she couldn’t get the words out of her mouth. It all went back to her mom, even if she tried to avoid it. And before she could avoid it, the flashbacks were coming back. 3
“4 years? That’s insane, for running away? Besides, I didn’t! you have to believe me.” Jasmine spoke, almost shouting, to her lawyer. She couldn’t believe she’d be locked up for four years just because her mom decided to tell the police she had run away. 4
“Police found marijuana in your room Jasmine. More than just a simple joint, that’s why you’re being locked up.” Mrs. Vinson noticed the expression on Jasmine’s face change. It went from furious to Psychotic. She couldn’t understand what had happened, but all of the sudden Jasmine was screaming. 5
“I don’t smoke! I never have! My mom’s lying, you have to believe me! Please, you have to! I would never smoke, never! It’s not mine! My mom’s lying, she probably planted it! You have to believe me!” Jasmine pleaded. Tears were coming out of eyes; she couldn’t believe her mom would be capable of doing something like this, to her own daughter. How could she? Jasmine wondered. 6
It took her a few minutes to come back to reality. Jasmine noticed Dr. Murdoch had been staring at her the whole time, as if wondering what had happened. She couldn’t talk about this, hated the old man for making her remember. And then she suddenly realized she had been crying. 7
“Jasmine are you okay?” Murdoch asked. He was shocked to have seen Jasmine crying, it had never happened before. Maybe, he thought, she’ll talk. And he was right. 8
“I’m not okay, I never will be. Don’t you understand? These sessions don’t mean anything to me. My life is ruined thanks to my mom. I can’t take it here anymore; it feels like years until I’m free to go. I can’t take it sometimes. People scream too much! They’re in pain! You’re not helping them here; you’re just making everything worse.” Jasmine could finally breathe again. She was happy she had said what she just said. It needed to be said. 9
“People can’t honestly think they’re helping us. You know I’m right, don’t you Murdoch? You have to know it. Or else you wouldn’t have waited for me to talk all this time.” Jasmine continued. She hadn’t said anything like this in the last few years she had been here. Murdoch was surprised as to see what Jasmine really was thinking all this time. 10
“I can’t take it anymore! I can’t do it! You don’t understand what it feels to be here, to be locked up for things you didn’t do. For things your own mother lied and said you did. To hear people scream at night, to hear them yell and cry for help but yet no one comes. I can’t do it, not anymore” And after a few minutes Jasmine broke down into tears. 11
“It will all be alright.” Answered Dr Murdoch. He was still in shock to see so much pain come out from such a petite girl, so strong on the outside and yet so weak and hurt on the inside. He didn’t know how he could help. Could he help? Murdoch wasn’t sure. 12
In a list
chapter 3. what do you think?
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
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good job, its all falling into place now.
i'm slightly confused at the change in the mother, from the memory scene in which she's serving pancakes she seems very loving and caring but in the scene where jasmins arrested she seems so cold.
anyways. excellent work.
Hunter~
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Nice! Now I get the long jail sentence.
Maybe in the introduction to Jasmine you should say that she has long red curls; to hear her hair described at this point in the story threw me off a little bit. I was already imagining a girl with long, black hair.
I'm excited to read the next chapter!
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I've just read the entire series, and I think it's incredibly unrealistic. I'm not familiar with the law.. but putting a child away for four years in a prison where she's regularly beat up just ... seems.. off. Very off. The dialog is a bit unrealistic too - after four years, a professional therapist can only get a 15 year old girl to cry once? And when she speaks he mind, he's surprised? There has to be SOME kind of relationship between people who spend every day of four years together.
Also, I don't know much about being in prison, but I am pretty sure that endless screaming is a part of the atmosphere, it's not a torture chamber. The dialog, in fact the whole story, seems like it's having its drama forced rather than it just happening on it's own.
That being said, you have a good impact in your style. You feel whatever it is you're writing very deeply. It's a skill that needs to be honed. I think with the right training, you could be very good. -
Ah much better. I liked this twist. If you were to actually develop this into a novel, make sure you do your research yeah? It's good to develop that skill now. Now your major problem is showing us WHY her mom did that to her...
Again, can't wait to read the next installment. Keep writing! -
i really really hate the mother ughh. i love this series because it's very unperdictable. continue it plz. it gets you really mad at the mom.
beginning: 3, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Wow, I must say this story has been very enjoyable to read. I liked how you captured the visions of the whole situations. I always like reading the whole piece as one, instead of commenting on every part. Just so I can put it all together. Very nice work. Can't wait to read more
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Awesome
i loved how you came up with the idea of her mother putting her daughter in jail for something she didnt do, it made me sympathize with her. I like how we are getting to know Mordoch more than before.plus,the ending for this chapter was a perfect way to begin the next one.
beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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I realized just now a possible dilema.
For one, you must wait 24 hours to report a missing person(child), so this could be used to defend Jasmine on the running away bit. And Kyle, though her mother is not fond of him, is a witness that can agree that she didn't run away.
And finding the Marijuana, if they assume she is smoking it, a blood test could have been done. Smelled her clothes and belongings to see if it smelled of the smoke. Also doing background checks on the people she associates with, they could vey well vouch for her that she has never smoked pot. Or the fact that if none of them had any bad records could supply evidence that she didn't have a resource to receive any drugs.
Also, it was mentioned that her mother had a drinking problem, that alone should put her in the hot seat and untrust worthy in this situation.
Not trying to rain on the parade or anything. I just thought of these points and thought it was only fair to bring them up to you. If anything you might have already known all that and have something in store in pertaining to all that was mentioned.
But it was still a good chapter none the less and I shall continue reading this series.
B.N
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yes i understand what you're saying. i knew those things, and kind off was going to use them later on. Just check out the future episodes for them. This story starts off a little rushed like you said because i want people to NOT know what's going on, to be build the suspense on the Ortiz family.
Keep tuning in,
hilmer -
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That's what I thought, thank you for clearing that up for me. Can't wait for more.
B.N
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You cheated on the read exchange.Yet, I am gonna read all of your things because i like to read your thing
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Write more of Jasmine. they are good stories
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Great chapter! ^____^ I really like this story, and I hope to see it continue. Very intriguing and nicely written. For once, a story has my attention. Good job.
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Wow! The best chapter so far! I can't wait for you to put up the next chapter! A very good chapter, great write, keep writing!
~Autumn -
My,my. She just broke down, telling the truth that needed to be told. I loved how she just let it all out, but not what Murdoch really wanted to know... not exactly at least.
Nice chapter, very well done.
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a good chapter - a break point between action, but necessary to set the tone and state of mind of Rachel.
A couple of pointers - try to avoid using the same word closer to each other -always try to find synonyms that make sense - this dramatically improves flow of reading (I recall the word "said" used a few times close to each other.
Another one is to read your own work imagining it as a scene in a movie - be a continuity person - so when you describe Rachel crying for the second time, describe it as that - use words such as "again", for example (this makes it clear that the continuity is tracking). Again, this is good for ease of reading.
Aside from that, your work has good flow - well done.
gez
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I just feel really pissed
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Huge improvements! Best chapter yet! Wow. Her mom is way scandalous!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Excellent chapter
You’ve really improved a lot, Hilmer. I’m impressed. This is another great chapter with just a few minor mistakes.
Also I would suggest changing: She looked at him for a second, wondering how a person was so good at being fake. To- She looked at him and thought he was a fake.
I would suggest - Dr, Murdoch said (not spoke).
There is a reason for this. I notice some beginning writers seem to dislike using "said" and try to replace the word "said" with words like commanded, remarked, uttered, began, spoke, etc. Perhaps they feel that too many "saids" stick out. However, you don't have to be afraid of using too many "saids." In fact, it is much worse to try substitutions. The best writers use "said" almost all the time and let the dialog convey the meaning. For example, "Get out of here now!" he commanded. is much worse than "Get out of here now!" he said. The word "commanded" is an unnecessary distraction. In any case, it's obvious the sentence is a command. The only exception to this rule is that it is sometime okay to use asked.
I see something else here that needs to be addressed. If I remember correctly in 16 we read the entire chapter from Jasmine’s point of view. Once you start showing what other people are thinking, the story becomes confusing. You are being taken out of one person’s head into the head of someone else as in this case where Doctor Murdoch ‘hoped’ that Jasmine would one day answer his question. The reader shouldn’t be told by the author what Dr. Murdoch hopes for through his own words. This should be shown only by what Dr. Murdoch says in his dialogue. That way, we will always be reading the story from Jasmine’s point of view, which is much less confusing. We shouldn’t be told that he is still waiting for her answer unless he says it in his own words.
Again you say what Dr. Murdoch knew. This should only be shown through his dialogue and not be told by the author.
She couldn’t believe she’d be locked up for four years- should be she’d ‘been’ locked up
Mrs. Vinson noticed the expression on Jasmine’s face change. Here again we are in Mrs. Vinson’s head.
We should only know what she had noticed by her saying it in dialogue.
but all of the sudden Jasmine was screaming.- all of ‘a’ sudden
I would suggest changing: Tears were coming out of eyes; to- Her tears were streaming.
Once again you say what Dr. Murdock is thinking rather than have him say it in dialogue.
You write: He was shocked to have seen Jasmine crying,
It should be- Dr. Murdock said, “Jasmine, I’m shocked to see you crying.”
Maybe, he thought, she’ll talk. And he was right. _Try- Maybe, he thought, she’ll talk. And, if so, he was right.
You don’t need these exclamation marks. People scream too much! They’re in pain! Change then=m to periods.
Here you have a lot of saids: She was happy she had said what she just said. It needed to be said. How about trying-
She was glad to have said it. It needed to be said.
Or else you wouldn’t have waited for me to talk all this time.” Jasmine continued. -comma after time.
Murdoch was surprised as to see what Jasmine really was thinking all this time. Try-
“I’m surprised to hear you say this, Jasmine,” Dr. Murdoch said.
And after a few minutes Jasmine broke down into tears. - And after a few minutes Jasmine broke into tears.
“It will all be alright.” Answered Dr Murdoch. Try to write dialogue using contractions the way people really talk.
“It’ll be alright,” Dr. Murdoch said. “It alarms me to see so much pain coming from such a petite girl, so strong on the surface, yet to full of pain inside. Let’s continue our session, and let me try to help you. You’ve made great progress today.”
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Great, it has got a really good edge to it. Good use of the italics to break up the flash back from the rest of the text.
One of the sentances in your first paragraph doesn't quite flow properly:
"She looked at him for a second, wondering how a person was so good at being fake"
How about trying this: "She looked at him for a second, wondering how someone could be so good at being fake." -
i loved the raw emotions in this chapter, it made this more universal. You can literally put yourself in this girl's shoes.
Awesome work!
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Great!
This is the best chapter so far. Full of raw emotions. Less errors...keep going.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I loved it. way better than the other chapters. haha keep up the good work.
beginning: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Great 3rd chapter! Probably the best so far. You are great at writing dialogue, and you are doing very good with it in this story. You are helping the reader learn more about the characters just through their dialogues.
Only one error I noticed that wasn't mentioned by anyone else yet:
Paragraph 12: “It will all be alright.” Was what Dr. Murdoch answered back.
That is not proper grammar. Try:
“It will all be alright.” Dr. Murdoch answered.
or
“It will all be alright.” answered Dr. Murdoch.
or
“It will all be alright.” replied Dr Murdoch. -
this was a really nice chapter to the story. i think Dr.Murdoch is kinda cool. how long has Jasmine been locked up now? i wonder if he can help Jasmine and will her mother be in any future chapthers? anyway thanks for another good chapter cant wait to read more.
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Good.
Again, quite good. You have been getting less grammar errors; Only two!
"I didn’t! you have to believe me.” Jasmine spoke, almost shouting, to her lawyer.
The word 'you' needs a capital, like this.
"I didn’t! You have to believe me.” Jasmine spoke, almost shouting, to her lawyer.
"Police found marijuana in your room Jasmine."
You need a comma just before her name.
"Police found marijuana in your room, Jasmine."
Otherwise, good. Keep me posted when you add more.
Dream ♥
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