Chapter 7 (Ashley)

February, three months had not stopped the nightmare. They caught all the guys and of course the trails would soon follow. Hopefully I would not have to testify but by the way my luck went I probably would.1

On top of everything I was constantly feeling sick and from all the lazing around I’d been doing I was looking fatter every day. My friends joked around and said I was too skinny anyway and could use the extra weight. I just couldn’t recognize myself anymore. Even with bras which had been A-cups all my life were starting to feel too tight.2

When I complained about it to Stephanie, her and Madison showed up at my door. They practically kidnapped me by dragging me to the car and driving away. At first I thought my mom would be mad that I left with out telling her. It turned out that they called earlier to get her consent.3

I let them dress me up like a manikin and let them buy me clthes that I didn’t really pay attention to. When I got home I was weighed down by the dozens clothes they picked out. Where they got the money from I will never know. With a sigh of relief that it was finally over I took my bags and headed up to my room.4

Now with my first day back to school in two days I didn’t know how I would survive. I was nauseous yet again spending a lot of time by the bathroom. I couldn’t take this much longer the only thing that would make it worse was if I got my period right than. 5

My period, there’s something I haven’t paid attention to in a long time. I tried to remember when the last time I had it was. Not in a little while I was sure of it, at lest not that I remember. The last time I could remember was sometime in November. Sometime before the track meet.6

I felt sick again but this was a different kind of sick. There was no way the horrible thoughts that where going threw my mind where true. It was impossible that I didn’t reline I missed my period for almost three months now. Or was it possible that during those three months of sleeping and moping I forgot to pay attention to the little thing that meant so much. 7

It couldn’t be true and I was going to prove. I grabbed my sunglasses and my jacket. Making sure each button was buttoned perfectly. There was a store two blocks from my house mom wouldn’t even know I was gone.8

I opened my window feeling the cold February air rushing in to my room. Snow flakes quickly followed frosting my window sill. I stared at the tree branch dead and barren. Just inches away from my window, and contemplated the risks. Grabbing my sun glasses I ran towards the window, leaving no chance for me to chicken out.9

I just managed to keep myself on the branch. Clumps of snow plummeting towards the ground because of my leap. I took a few moments to stare at the beauty of my lawn, covered in snow and untouched by human feet. It was so perfect that I didn’t even want to step on it. All good things must come to and end though. So I jumped down feeling my feet sink in to the once perfect snow.10

It wouldn’t take that long to get there but just to be safe I started running. It felt good to be free, to feel the wind blow threw my hair. When I got to the store I had to force myself to stop running. It felt so natural the constant thud of my feet against the pavement.11

I moved quickly through the store the heat rising to my face. Was it just me or was everyone watching me? Was it that obvious to tell what I came here to get? I had no idea where to start looking and I wasn’t going to ask. So I searched the entire store and bought the first one I saw. I didn’t know the difference between them all any way.12

My face had to be bright red as I was standing for an eternity on line. The cashier was a girl not much older than me. She was extremely pretty in a natural way. No make up painting her face into something it was not. I heisted before I handed her the incriminating box. She instantly went from smiling to glaring at me with a judging gaze. It was just how I imagined she would look.13

“It’s for my older sister, her and my brother in law have been trying forever.” I lied quickly praying she would believe me.14

“Oh, I hope your sister gets the results she wants.” She said ringing up the box. I returned her reappeared smile and walked out the door with a sigh of relief. I got away and no one suspected me, so far so good. I didn’t run home, the bag was weighing me down too much to run.15

I figured climbing up the tree was riskier than jumping down now that I had a bag. So I planned on quietly opening the front door and sprinting up the stairs. What I didn’t count on was my mom sitting on the living room couch. Her intense green eyes locked on my face.16

“Where have you been?” She asked sternly crossing her legs and placing her hands on her lap. She looked so much older than she did just a few months ago. She had extra grey hairs, and deep circles under her eyes that had been getting deeper and deeper since dad died.17

“Just ran to the store to buy some candy.” I held up the bag to show her than rushed towards the stairs before she decided to check.18

“You could have asked.” She called after me but I ignored her. I had bigger fish to fry. Like proving to myself that my bad thoughts where impossible. The bathroom was right across from my bedroom which made my life so much easier. So I chugged down an untouched water bottle next to my bed and waited. When I felt like I had to go I rushed in to the bathroom with the box that could end my worries or turn my nightmare in to a living hell.19

The test was done. I read the instructions three times before I did it and now all I was left to do was wait. I had so much time on my hands but there was no way I was leaving the bathroom. Sitting on the edge of the bathtub I found my self starring at a pair of scissors for at lest ten minutes.20

Than a light bulb clicked and I was hit by an idea of how I could spend my time. I looked in the mirror admiring my long blonde curls. So many people told me how much they envied my perfect hair. I hated being this person that everyone sought out to make perfect. I was going back to school Monday it was time for a change.21

My hand was shaking as I picked up the scissors, my eyes never leaving the timelier stranger in the mirror. It was final there was no changing my mind. Since I couldn’t be her any more I shouldn’t look like her. The first clump of golden hair hit the ground around the same time as the first tear.22

When I was done I couldn’t recognize myself. The short hair revealed things my long hair hid. My ears looked pointer and my face rounder. It gave my neck the appearance of being longer and my eyes stood out more. My friends where going to kill me when they saw what I’d done.23

A little while later my cell phone went off. Meaning my time was up and I didn’t have to wait anymore. I took one look at my last hope and threw up in the sink. It couldn’t be right maybe I should try again I thought. My heart was beating faster and faster as I looked at the evil color. It was all to much and if this simple little test was right, it was only the beginning.24

A knock at the door caused me to panic quickly shoving the test in to my pocket. “Is everything ok honey? Dinners on the table.” I opened the door forgetting about my hair.25

“I’m not hungry.” I said but she was looking horrified at my head.26

“Your hair! What did you do to your hair?” She was practically crying and she reached out to touch what was left of my hair. I quickly dodged her touch destroying her consolation. If I couldn’t win she couldn’t win.27

“I like it better short.” I snapped glaring at the women who got along so well with the old Ashley.28

“Who are you?” She shouted but I didn’t answer. She turned around eyes streaming and went down the stairs. I waited until she was gone and all I could her was her on the phone.29

“I don’t know.” I answered shutting the door to my bedroom. She couldn’t hear me even if she wasn’t on the phone.30

I paced and paced my room that kept on feeling smaller and cramped as the clock ticked. This is impossible I thought throwing my lamp in a burst of rage. The glass shattered in to a million pieces scattered across the room. Frantically I got on my knees and started picking up the shards of glass.31

A sharp piece shaped almost like a heart pierced my skin. The blood started gushing out on to the glass, dieing it red. That’s when the tears came like a waterfall. Mixing with the blood that was starting to stain my white carpet. I just lied letting myself cry, letting myself bleed. Praying for the moment when the blood and the tears would dry out. Unfortunately god didn’t care about me. A person with out a face.32

Strangely I woke up that morning in my bed with my hand bandaged. The first thing I noticed when I sat up was a note left on my nightstand.33

“I cleaned up all the glass but I have to get bleach to remove the blood. If I’m not home when you wake up I’m at the store and will be home soon. Try and relax tomorrow’s a big day.-Love Mom.”34

I read it over and over again till I was furious and ripped it up. I didn’t want her help or any one else’s. Maybe I just wanted to fix this mess up on my own. I tore of the bandages causing my hand to bleed again and redid it myself. Than I admired my handiwork and smiled a real smile.35

When my mom was cleaning my room I hide out in the bathroom. Avoiding her at all costs. When she was done she knocked on the door telling me I could go back to my room. I obliged walking to my room without a thank you. Why should I thank unwanted help?36

She didn’t say any thing to me any way, and left me alone the rest of the day. I didn’t come down either, not even to eat, I lost my appetite. I spent most of the day in y room thinking.37

What if it was right? What if I was…? I couldn’t even think the word. I didn’t know what to do, I wasn’t telling my mom. Maybe I could tell a friend, but it was a hard topic to bring up when I couldn’t even think it.38

I wanted to break something again. The fury was running threw my blood causing my vision to blur. I was to afraid of myself to do anything except lie down in my bed.39

My first day was almost here and now I had a new secret. With all of this I really didn’t wonder why I spent the whole night with my eyes wide open. Starring up at the ceiling that stared right back and held my gaze. Whishing I could be any one, except me.40