kyles POV 1
"what the hell was that about" I thought2
After walking out of the school and heading home early.3
Theres no point of going to school when im just going to be pissed off and end up into a fight with someone small and weaker then me and someone that doesnt deserve it.4
Kyle didnt even make it to his house before he collapsed. When he woke up he noticed the white walls and the funky smell. He didn't know where he was untill he saw that he was wearing a hopital gown and had a bunch of cords and wires going into him. Thats when he noticed he wasnt alone there was a boy sleeping on a chair at the end of the bed.5
The boy was Taylor...6
"What the hell are you doing here!" I yelled not caring how much noice I was making.7
Taylor sat right up in the chair with a real,ly confused look on his face.8
"wha.." he was saying something before a interupted9
"What are you doing in my room. GET OUT !!" 10
"What the hell kyle I just saved your life and your kicking me out of your room?" 11
"Yes I want you out of my room and out of my life now!" I said12
"just let me talk to you.. just for a few mins" he begged 13
" NO!.. I dont want anything to do with you!" I said choking back tears.14
"I can't believe this!" he said as he walked out of the room.15
Thay was Number one crossed off now on to number two why the hell was I was here.16
Taylors POV 17
I didn't want to have that talk with him but things were not right between us. After I broke it off with kyle he became very distant. I told him that I still wanted to be friends. I dont know why hes acting the way he is. 18
After I had a talk it was more like a yelling match a very confusing yelling match. There was nothing else to do then walk away.19
Next class was science. I walked in the class no kyle thats strange. It had only been only a few mins since our fight but I was starting to feel bad already.Like really if I got dumped then I would be pissed to and not want to talk to that person any more. But kyle wasn't even in love with me this was all test grounds right?.20
Just great kyles so upset with me hes not going to show up for class. hes the last person I want to be up set with me. 21
That thought rung through my hand until I jumped out of my seat and ran out the door.22
I didn't know what way kyle walked so I just thought I would meet him at his house. 23
I wasn't anymore then a few houses away from his when i saw someone laying on the side walk. HAHA that would be something my friends and I would do but not alone. Strange people now a days. As I walked closer to kyles house and closer to the boy I noticed it was... kyle.24
"kyle?" 25
"kyle what are you doing on the ground?" 26
No answer?27
"Kyle what are you doing laying on the sidewalks" I said witha a louder and more anger voice.28
Still no answe. What going on now why isnt he answering me . I hate it when people dont answer me and I have to repeat myself a million times.29
"Kyle damn it! talk to me!" I said while moving closer to him. Hes not moving and is in a very odd position.30
"OMG kyle. What happened?" 31
kyle was laying on his stomach with his face to the side. I could see that there was alotof scraches (sp?) allover his face and alot of blood. Hes not waking up!. 32
I grabed my phone and dialed 9-1-1. 33
"whats you emergency?" 34
"HELP my friend I found him and hes not moving"35
" Someone will be there hold hang on... dont worry ." the operater said. Like hell im not going to worry hes not moving or waking up and im not supposed to worry. That girl is crazy.36
Next thing I knowim on my way the the hospital In the ambulance with kyle. Then left in the waiting room not knowng whats happening or if he is going to be okay.
Author notes
this is one of my favs so far rate and msg me comment! should I continue or not?.
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Doesn't flow well
Your speech is too often and for someone who isn't good at working out who is saying what it is hard to read.
Now you have spellin g mistakes such as on line 29
You put answe rather than answer.
Here is some tips for a new story.
As I walked closer to kyles house and closer to the boy I noticed it was... kyle.24
"kyle?"
it should be
As I walked closer to Kyle's house and closer to the boy I noticed it was.... Kyle.
26
No answer?27
"Kyle what are you doing laying on the sidewalks" I said witha a louder and more anger voice.28
Still no answe.
that section sould bhe.
No answer
"Kyle what are you doing playing/ lying/ hanging around on the sidewalks?" I said with a louder and more angry voice
No answer?
Think of adding more to it.
such as: I waited for a response but none came.
Instead of: Meteors the entire night.
Consider: We watched meteors the entire night.
Instead of: Because the teacher said to.
Consider: You have to, because the teacher said to.
What going on now why isnt he answering me .
What is going on now? Why isn't he answering me?
or even try:
What is going on now.... why isn't he answering me?
I hate it when people dont answer me and I have to repeat myself a million times.29
"Kyle damn it!
I hate it when people don't answer me and I end up having to repeat myself a million times.
"Kyle damn it!"
"talk to me!"
Talk to me Kyle!"
Hes not moving and is in a very odd position.30
"OMG kyle.
Now instead of OMG
try:
Kyle! Kyle!"
or
"Oh my gosh. Kyle!"
It should also be either:
He is not moving and is in a very odd position or
He's not moving. He is in a very odd position
or along those lines
I could see that there was alotof scraches (sp?) allover his face and alot of blood.
Remove the (sp?)
Its not too hard to write your story in word or use an online dictionary
I could see that there was alot of scratches all over his face and alot of blood
or maybe
I could clearly see that scratches made up his face and alot of blood.
Hes not waking up!.
again
He is not waking up!
He's not waking up!
Also use one or the other
so:
He is not waking up.
He is not waking up!
32
I grabed my phone and dialed 9-1-1.
I grabbed my phone and dialled 9-1-1
33
"whats you emergency?"
should be:
"What is your emergency?" Came the operator/voice
or
"What's the emergency?" Came the operator/voice
34
"HELP my friend I found him and hes not moving"35
" Someone will be there hold hang on... don( Use an ' to show it is two seperate words joined together)t worry ." the operater said.
again:
"Help (don't use capitals. If you must shout use an !)
my friend I found him and he is not moving!"
"Someone will be there hang/hold (Not both) on.... don't worry"
" Someone will be there hang on... dont worry ." the operater said.
It should be Operator.
Now for the last part:
Like hell im not going to worry hes not moving or waking up and im not supposed to worry.
It should be:
Like Hell I'm not going to worry, He's not moving or waking up and i'm not supposed to worry? That girl is crazy!"
or:
LIke hell was I not going to worry. He wasn't moving or waking up and some girl was saying I wasn't meant to worry about my friend!
That girl is crazy.36
Next thing I knowim on my way the the hospital In the ambulance with kyle.
The next thing I knew I was on my way to the hospital in an ambulance with Kyle.
Then left in the waiting room not knowng whats happening or if he is going to be okay.
Then left in the waiting room not knowing what’s happening or if he is going to be okay.
or:
I was then left in the waiting room with nothing to do other than read the boring magazines. I didn't know what was happening or if he was going to leave the hospital again...
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It isn't too clear of what's going on at first, and you have quite a bit of errors to fix. Otherwise okay write.
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The title seems kind of odd.. when you read it, you can't tell exactly what's supposed to be meant.. love in universal love knows no gender love is.live. 7 I would assume maybe there's a flow I'm not picking up but you put in periods/commas to direct that, so I really don't know what's up with the title. I wouldn't tell you not to continue, but if you do PLEASE type it correctly, the typos, grammar issues, and spelling made this really hard for me to read and keep track of because it really drives me crazy. This is the reason why schools don't accept text message papers, because when you read anything longer than a short text message you want to know where the pauses are, etc.
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There were a couple of mistakes, but yeah, continue writing it, cause I wanna know what happens to him, and why he was laying on the ground. You have a good plot! 5/5! YAY!
=] XD
plot: 5.
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this was very nice, of course there were errors but that did not take away from the story Yes I think you should continue, I hope you do and I cant wait to read more
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You should really fix the spelling mistakes. The stories a bit random and it doesn't really sound like it has a plot line. Before you continue writing another chapter, you should fix this up first.
For someone of 18 I feel like your work could be slightly better. Overall this was a good read and if you fixed this chapter up, I'm sure I could read more.
Cody
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I really like it! Great work, some mistakes but I still like it. I hope I can read more.
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ya this is unedited I have to edited one on my other accont xsoxaddictivexbabyx
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This has quite a few mistakes, your tense is a slightly mixed up and you haven't used any apostrophe's i.e. 'hes' is supposed to be 'he's'. And no I'm not trying to be difficult, but in order to improve your writing you ought to penalise small stuff like that. I also think the order in which the events have been written are slightly confusing, i.e. jumping from a hospital bed to another scene. I think if you introduced your characters before getting to the core of your story it would have made it easier to understand. (That's just my opinion, so don't go crazy)
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lame
no no no no no! this is bad and badly writen! you keep on messing up! fix it! -
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humm
well maybe if you tell me how I can fix it then it woldnt be so [bad] like i said im new at all this and having feed back that actally tells my how I can fix it is what I want not just comments say that its horible.. thanks for nothing.
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wow. that is a great part of a story. its only part and the only one i've read so far but its definitly something. i like it! i love it i want some more of it!
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