Helen's Hands

Hi. My name is Timmy. I am 6 feet tall, so I am a big boy. My eyes are green. My hair is brown. I live in a house in Madison, Wisconsin. That's in America. So, that's me. Oh, and one more thing, I can't talk.1

When I was a little kid, about 2 years old, my mommy and daddy saw I couldn't talk. They didn't want to take care of me, so they put me with Amy and Julie. They are my house mothers. 2

For most of my life I lived with Amy and Julie in a house. I like them. They are very nice people. The laugh and sing and teach and talk. I can't, but I can listen. Their words are not clear to me, I can't understand them, but how their voices sound and the look on their faces have been taught to me.3

I learned quite a few things. I can eat by myself. I can dress myself in certain clothes. I can go to the bathroom by myself, unlike other kids that have been with me. I can do a lot of things without help. I learned it by seeing Amy and Julie do it.4

Some things, no matter how much the girls do it, I cannot learn. I cannot read. I cannot write words. I cannot work with numbers. I cannot study a map. This is why people don't think I am normal. It seems normal people can do the things I can't. I think Amy and Julie want me to believe that I am like everyone else. That I am no less. But I can't talk. I can't talk, I can't make the strange noises that come out of other people that make them communicate.5

I have a pretty happy life, though, I like going to the pizza place and watching soccer games at the park. A boy once let me kick the ball in the goal. I liked that. I like it when people are nice.6

There are nice people and then there are mean people. People who point at me and whisper to others. Sometimes people, especially mean people, will throw rocks when I am alone. Others laugh when people throw things at me. Laughing is for funny things. I find nothing funny about being hurt and scared. I find nothing funny about causing others pain. I don't like mean people, I don't like pain.7

There is a nice person I know. She is very nice. She is nicer than Amy and Julie combined, and that is really nice. Her name is Helen. Helen is younger than Amy and Julie. She is a very young house mother. I like her a lot. She has brown hair and brown eyes, and a very nice smile. I see her smile a lot, it seems like she's always happy. Whenever she's happy, it makes me happy. She likes to wear loose sweaters and baggy jeans. Julie wears fancy dresses and expensive jewelry and she looks beautiful. But Helen does not wear fancy or expensive things and she still looks beautiful. Silly Julie, you do not need fancy things to be beautiful.8

Helen is around my age, and we do a lot of things together. She talks to me and tells me stories from her life, even if I can't understand her, I like that she can tell me anything. She likes to whisper in my ear, whispering, I learned, means you have a secret. I like that Helen tells me her secrets. She trusts me. I will never tell her secrets, because we trust each other. We are friends forever.9

Helen has a car. Amy and Julie have cars, too, but they don't usually let me in the front seat. Helen lets me sit in the front and our hair whips in the wind. Amy and Julie's cars shield us from the wind, but the winds makes me feel free.10

In her car we go places. I observe other boys and girls together around our age. I once saw a girl sit on this boys lap. They laughed. I like it when Helen laughs. So, when we got home, I sat on Helen's lap. Helen giggled, she has a soft, happy, nice giggle. I like it, giggling means your happy. Great, Helen, I want you to be happy, I like it when you're happy. When you are happy, Helen, I am happy.11

Amy saw me on Helen's lap and was not happy. We have a board in the kitchen that has doodles of faces with different feelings. Amy's face looked angry, her tone did not make me feel good. Helen and Amy talked and then I ended up off of her lap. Her legs are bony anyway, but I still want to find ways for me and Helen to be happy.12

A lot of boys and girls, I see, hold hands. We go to the park park and I decide to hold Helen's hand. I run to her, but she runs away from me. Why do you run from me, Helen? I'm you're friend. Friends don't run from each other. She runs around a tree and her face appears from behind it. I am happy, then. She is smiling. That means she is happy. When she is happy, I am happy. She giggles her sweet giggle. She was just playing a game.13

She runs to me and I smile. I reach out and grab her hand. She grabs my other hands and swings them around. She giggles and I give a fake smile. I don't want to play hand games, Helen, I want to hold your hand, your soft, warm hand. I reach out my arms. This means I want a hug. 14

Helen, like always, smiles from ear to ear and gives me a big warm hug. I hug her back, I love hugging Helen, she is fun to hold. A few boys decide it would be funny to yell and throw rocks and garbage at us. Helen runs fast and pulls me along as we run from the mean people. We get back to the car and drive back to the house. Me and Helen are alone now, Julie and Amy left a note. I can't read the note, but they let us know they're gone. She reads me a few stories. I, again, don't understand, but the sound of her soft, kind voice is nice to hear. 15

Amy comes back soon and all of us spend time together. Julie comes later and is very happy. On her finger is a shiny ring. I like shiny things, and I wonder where she got such a ring. It is a ring different from her other rings.16

Someone comes from behind Julie, he is a man. Julie points to him and says something ending with the word 'Ben'. Ben is this man's name. When someone points to someone and says something, it usually means the ending word is the person's name. I learned that. I learned Amy and Julie's name because they use it a lot for each other.17

Ben is big, he has dark hair and a bull dog face. He stares at me. I don't like it when people stare. Ben has a ring. I've seen older boys and girls with rings. Rings mean you are together forever. I want to give Helen a ring. I reach for it, so Helen can have a pretty ring. Ben does not like me to touch the ring, he hits my hand away. Ben says something with a tone I don't like. Julie talks to him.18

I sit on the couch and play with Helen's hands, her warm, soft, thin hands. I learned that thin things break if they are played with to harshly, so I am gentle and careful with her hands, I don't want to break them. I don't want to hurt Helen.19

Ben presses his lips to Julie's cheek. Julie giggles. I want Helen to giggle. I press my lips on Helen's forehead. She smiles, but doesn't giggle. I do it again and she pulls away, but she giggles. I am glad she giggles.20

Helen has to leave and she waves. Waving means goodbye, and sometimes hello. I don't want her to go. I stare out the window and hope she comes back. I don't understand why she leaves me, Julie and Amy never leave me. Helen goes somewhere I don't know about, somewhere I've never been. Whenever she goes to that place it makes me cry, I feel like I lose part of myself. I cry because I wonder if she will ever come back.21

Ben leaves, too. I feel happy that Ben is leaving. I don't want him here, he doesn't make me feel glad. He makes me feel scared. You can leave, Ben, and you can bring Helen back to stay forever and you never come back.22

I, of course, don't say such mean things, but the mean look on my face says it. Ben holds out his hand. I don't want to hold Ben's hand, never. Amy shakes Julie's hand to show me, but I don't want to do that either. I know that hand shaking also means goodbye, but I don't want to say goodbye to Ben. Finally Amy makes me shake Ben's hand.23

Ben's hands are cold and big, not like Helen's sweet hands. They almost crush my hands. Helen never crushes my hands. I don't want you, Ben! I want Helen! I want her hands, not yours! Other thoughts I don't say because I can't talk. I cannot bring out the strange sounds normal people use.24

Finally Ben leaves and I blow a raspberry, a sign of disrespect. I don't respect Ben. I respect Helen, I would never blow a raspberry at Helen. Julie doesn't like me blowing raspberries, so she scolds me with the harsh tone and the angry face. Then I sit in the corner because I was a bad boy. I am not a bad boy, I am a good boy, a very good boy. Ben is a bad boy, I know it, he is a very very bad boy. He is one of them, the mean people, I can sense it.25

It is good, though, that he is outnumbered. Helen, Amy, and Julie are good girls. They are not bad girls, they cannot be bad girls, they are house mothers, they must be good. My favorite house mother, Helen, comes a lot now because it is summer. Helen does not need to be anywhere in summer. Whenever she comes I am happy because I get to go away. I get to go away from Ben. I am so happy when Helen comes I jump into her arms. She holds me and giggles into my ear. I feel so blessed to hear her sweet, loving giggle. We go to the beach. The beach is away from Ben. I love to play in the waves, they are very fun. They push me around, but they are nice, they make me feel energized and happy. They do not mean to hurt me, just like Amy and Julie, they get angry, but never mean to make me feel bad. The love me and the waves love me, I love them, too. And Helen loves me the most. I love Helen the most, too.26

But soon we must leave the beach and go back to Amy and Julie...And Ben. Ben smiles at me, it is not the kind smile that Helen gives me. Helen means the smile, Ben does not. Helen closes her eyes and goes to the corner, but she has done nothing wrong. She is playing a game. I must hide quickly, for I do not know when she is going to start seeking me. I run quickly into Julie's room, she has a closet for me to hide in. I then realize that there is new stuff in her room, things that she would not use. I grow angry when I see it is Ben's stuff. Ben has come to stay. He is now my house father. But I do not want him to be my house father, he is not good like a house mother. He is not fit to take care of me, he cannot do such a saintly job.27

Ben puts his cold hands on my shoulders, I do not want them there on my shoulders, so I shake him off. Helen was seeking for me and she found me, I didn't even hide. I must now seek Helen, but I know her too well, I know where she likes to hide.28

After we play, the sun was losing its light. That means the moon would come soon, it would bring night with it. Night is when you sleep. Helen must leave, so she gets on her backpack. I call it the backpack of doom because, when she puts it on, she has to leave. The backpack makes her leave, if she did not have the backpack she would stay forever. But I realize I must face her leaving and hope that the next day she would come back, this is because Amy and Julie get mad when I hide Helen's backpack. I tried to put the backpack on Ben, but for some reason he is not cast by the spell, he still will not leave. Ben rolls his eyes at me a lot. He does not like me. He doesn't want me to be around. He only likes Julie, but Julie thinks that Ben wants to help take care of me. Silly Julie, why can you not see? He doesn't like me. He is a bad boy, a very very bad boy.29

Amy and Julie leave, too. I do not understand why they leave. I run and grab hold of Amy, they cannot leave me. Not alone, not alone with the very bad boy. He is a mean person, and I need nice people to protect me from him.30

Ben's face is not happy, but he is not angry, or sad, either. I put my hand on my stomach. I want food. I can eat but I cannot cook. I cannot read the strange symbols on the boxes that tell me how to make the food taste good. He rolls his eyes, that means he's annoyed. I am annoying to him.31

Ben does not feed me, he does not play with me or anything. He reads a magazine. On the magazine is a picture, not a happy, bright picture like on the stories Helen reads to me with a cheery, interesting voice. It is a gross picture, a bad picture.32

He looks at me and goes back to his magazine, I pull it away from him. He should not be looking at such bad pictures. 33

He yanks it back and it tears, his big, cold, hand crushing palm smacks my cheek. It hurts really bad. I cannot scream or shriek, I've seen in movies people do that when they are hurt or scared. I am both. I run from the mean person. I run from Ben's wrath. Soon I find a good place to hid in the basement, I hope he does not seek me. I is not much of a game if the person seeking wants to hurt you.34

A while later I come out. Ben is sitting on the couch watching football on the television. I watch it from a distance, even though it is boring to me. It is not colorful and fun, like Loony Toons. They do not get hurt because they are not real. These people are real and they do get hurt. Ben laughs when a person on the television gets hurt. I find nothing funny about people hurting other people.35

Sometime later he looks over at me and points to my bedroom. I shake my head. Shaking my head means I do not want to go to bed. I will not sleep defencelessly with him around. He says something, he is getting angry. I step back, but shake my head. He gets up and I rush into my room. I slam the door shut and breath hard. He does not push on the door. I hear a click, I am locked in my room. I pound on the door, but it will not release me. I run my body into it so much I get hurt. I throw things and try to make up as much noise as I can because I cannot scream.36

Ben gets so angry he rips open the door. He is strong enough to break the lock. He grabs me by the upper arms. I cry in fear. He slams me on my bed and press down on my shoulders. His hands are cold and painfully tight on my skin. I fight back by kicking and grabbing at him. He is on top of me and shoving me down like the football players. I grab his face and he shrieks, I hurt him. He slams his fist into my tummy. A scream bubbles inside me but is trapped. He hits me again and again until I am able to push him off of me.37

I run, I pull myself through the door and dash outside. Ben is faster than me and grabs me around the waist. I cannot scream, I am silently praying for help, for a nice person to take me away. Helen, help me! Come and save me, Helen, hold me in your arms so I know I am okay.38

Helen does not come and save me. I do not feel her comforting hands. Instead I feel Ben's aggressive, mean hands that hurt me. I kick as he drags me inside by my waist. With his dreaded hands, he smashes me against the wall. He traps me with his body and yells. His tone is crueler than anytime Amy was angry, his face is scary. He barks in my face, I don't understand him, but he wants to hurt me again.39

I want to get out of here, away from Ben. Without thinking I kicked him in a tender area. He shrieks again and I stand there shaking, I need to run where he can't get me. I run out the patio door, I can get over the fence, he will have to go around. I dash there, but Ben soon catches me. He pulls me down and punches and stomps on me until I start leaking blood from my nose. Blood sometimes comes from Helen's nose in the winter, but she is not hurt. I am hurt and it is not winter.40

He grabs me by the forearms and yells in my face again. Not only are his hands cold, but his breath smells bad. He thrashes me around and shakes me, finally he pushes me and points to the house. He kicks me and I run faster into my room. He slams the door hard and locks the door. I clean myself, put on pajamas, and hide the bloody clothes in my drawer, Ben will not want Julie to find out about this, that would make Julie very sad. If Julie was happy, Ben was happy, and if Ben was happy, I was safe.41

The next day Amy and Julie are not back, they must be on a trip, I like going on trips, but we rarely go anywhere together anymore. I am too hard to take care of away from the house. Ben was taking care of me so they could go have fun and not worry about me. They thought I was safe, but I am not.42

I wake up early from a nightmare, I dreamt that Ben had his icy hands around my neck and made it so I couldn't breathe. I had a dream he hurt Amy, Julie, and Helen. I did not want him to hurt my house mothers. They deserved nothing. I was being a bad boy last night, but I could have just sat in the corner.43

The door is still locked, and I sit in my dark room and play quietly with cards. Julie, at first, did not want me to play with cards, she thought I would use the thin edges to cut myself accidentally. But I am a big boy and I don't hurt myself of others, at least not intend to. I sort them by color and shape, and then build houses with them. Helen would make lovely houses for my soldiers.44

Finally I hear Ben hurriedly getting ready. I press my ear to the door and listen. He finally unlocks the door and yanks it open. I straighten like my toy soldier and stare at him. His eyes are blood shot and his hair is messy, he's only wearing underwear.45

Pulling me by the elbow out of the room, he shoves me into the kitchen. I am very hungry.46

I know how to make cereal. There is no strangely written direction for that, it is common sense. I eat the chocolate food. It fills my tummy. It is cold and reminds me of Ben's hands. I shiver and dump the food in the sink.47

Ben says something I do not understand. He doesn't reference anything by pointing or anything. He just says something. It isn't a question, it's a command.48

I sit there, not knowing what to do. He becomes impatient and grabs me again. I wish he wouldn't grab me. He leads me into my room and pulls my nightshirt off, I look in the mirror and see the bruises from last night. I wish I knew what he was thinking. I am so confused. He messily pulls a long sleeved shirt with black and blue stripes aggressively over my head.49

I see now he wants me to get dressed. Helen is coming, I suppose, and he wants to impress her. I pull away from him and finish getting on the shirt that was unfit for the nice hot weather.50

I replaced my pajama pants with long jeans and I go into the bathroom quickly to wash my face and brush my hair and teeth.51

Ben come in and rummages through the drawers. Amy wears make up. There is make up that blends with your skin to make you look like you don't have rosy cheeks. Amy has really rosy cheeks. I feel Ben's fingers, like thick, freezing sausages, rub the stuff aggressively all over my face. I realized that I had several bruises on my face that he wanted to cover up.52

I feel like an alien because the stuff is new to me, but I don't rinse it off, I didn't want Helen to be sad because I was. I would act like nothing happened and Helen would take me away.53

Finally the doorbell rings and I run downstairs, Helen is at the door and I pounce on her, squeezing her and crying happy tears. Helen hugs me back and her warmness almost burns me in contrast with Ben's cold temperature.54

Ben smiles his fake smile and talks cheerfully to Helen. He puts his arm around me, I do not want him to touch me. But I want Helen to think I am happy. Helen should not worry about me. Helen finally takes me away from Ben, I am so happy to get into Helen's car. She looks nice in her sunglasses.55

We are alone at the creek in the woods. She catches a little turtle for me. It must be scared having a big person hold it, I know what it is like to be scared of someone bigger than you, so I let it back into the creek where we found it. Helen smiles and I give her a hug. She thinks I have a big heart. I think she has a big heart, too. We are both very nice people.56

We lie on a blanket in the sun, Helen has a little metal square, like a mini television. She has a small cord and a little robotic dog. I have a robot dog, too, but mine is different. Helen is magical, with these devices she makes music. I do not understand the words the little dog is saying, but I like the music coming from it, it is very nice, fun music. I smile and sway to the nice sound. Helen brushes sweat from her thin brow and wipes it on her white shirt with a peace sign on it. She is steamy even though we are in the shade. I can hardly breathe in my long sleeve shirt and jeans.57

Helen points to my shirt and asks a question. She knows I am warm. My hair is frazzled and sweat is dripping from my face. There are sweat stains under my arms and I am panting. I dare not take my shirt off, for Helen will see that I am sad. She would see my pain. And she would be sad. I do not want her to be sad. I want Helen to be happy.58

She wraps her thin pointer finger around her shirt and whips my face. I like it, how she traces her finger gently across my face to get off the sweat. Then I remember I'm wearing Amy's make up to cover up my bruises.59

When she stops, the make up comes off onto her shirt in a big tan stain. Helen looks at it, and then at me. She uses her bare fingers and water from her tongue to wipes the make up off. I try to stop her, but she is frail and I don't want to hurt her. She insists and wipes the make up away from the bruises. I hide my head in shame.60

Helen immediately, but ever so gently, takes my shirt off. She sees the rest of the bruises. I hug Helen. I feel terrible. I made Helen sad. Tears run down her face, they are not happy like when Julie brought home Ben. She is not smiling, she is not giggling. She cries and cries. I do not like to see her cry. I feel like I've hurt her like Ben had hurt me.61

We rush back to the house. Ben is not there. There is no note. He is gone. Helen sees this and she gets out her other magic box. This magic box takes a still, little copy of you to put in a frame. I smile. You are supposed to smile when the little box goes click and the little flashlight shines. Then you are in a picture. But she does not take a picture of my smile. She takes pictures of the bruises on my body.62

She mumbles something to herself. Then she turns to me, she comes up to me and puts her hands in mine. I am happy, she is holding my hands, her warm, soft, delicate hands. She looks into my eyes. Her brown eyes are glassy, hurt, and fighting back tears. She says something, I, again, don't understand, but her voice is comforting and very soft. I hug her again. I want to comfort her because she is sad. I do not want her to be sad because of me.63

Helen brings me to a place. They have lot of magical things. I want to play with these things, but, for the first time, Helen pulls me away from the thing I want. She means business.64

She buys these objects. They are small and have many cords. She buys them with a lot of green bills and we go back to the house. I watch her as she installs these little things into every room. High up and hidden from view. It was like the spies I see on the television.65

Helen, when she is done, has to leave. I can tell she does not want to leave me here with Ben, she wants to take me with her, but cannot. She hugs me and I feel like this is the last warm, soft hug I'll ever get. Finally she walks out the door and gets into her car. I am alone with Ben. Ben and his cold hands, smelly breath, and scary temper.66

I try not to make Ben angry. I do not ask for food. I do not disturb him. I sit in the kitchen and play with my little cars. I have one that looks just like Helen's car. I saw a video one time where a big monkey picks up a car. He also picks up a beautiful girl and takes her to see the city in a giant building. She was scared. She must have been afraid of heights.67

I don't like heights, but I would take Helen in my giant palm if I were a big monkey and I would take her to see the sights. She would not be scared, she would trust me. I pick up the mini Helen car and I raise it up in the air, that was pretend Helen could see everything.68

The doorbell rings. I think it is Amy and Julie. I want them to come and not let Ben into the house anymore. I jump up to greet them, but Ben comes and shoves me back. I wrestle him, I want to get the door. He grabs my leg and wraps his arm around my chest. He picks me up, like I am the girl and he is the giant monkey. It is not comfortable, and I am afraid, but I am not that high off the ground. He goes to my room and throws me in. I land on the floor and it hurts. He is angry again and he says something. I am to scared to move. He slams the door and locks it. I do not want to be locked in my room.69

I hear Ben's low, hard voice, and a woman's voice. It is not Amy's voice, or Julie's voice. It is a different voice. I am not happy it is not my house mother, but I am excited to see who it is, it might be a new house mother, I would like a new house mother. I rattle the lock and I am able to push hard enough, the lock breaks and I fall outside. I look up and see Ben and the woman. They have their lips pressed together, like he does with Julie. With Julie it looks sweet, but Ben and this woman do not make it sweet. 70

She sees me and slaps Ben. I bet she knows he hurts me. She yells at him and points to me. Ben looks nervous and scared. I hope he knows how I feel.71

She turns to me and says something short, her voice is not mean, it seems a little sad. She shoves Ben and walks out the door. Ben follows her. I follow Helen to her car, but when they get to the woman's car, she does not let Ben in. She drives away.72

He storms up the driveway and through the door. His face is really really angry. He thinks it is my fault the woman accidentally forgot him in the driveway.73

I dash into my room and press my body against my door. Ben pounds so hard it sends me flying off the door and he busts it getting in. He starts beating me again, this time much harder. He yells at me again, and throws me down. He is giving me bad wounds. These wounds cannot be covered with Amy's make up. Red, bad tasting syrup comes from my body and out of my mouth. It stains the carpet, I don't want Julie to have to clean the whole carpet of my room. I crawl out into the kitchen, onto the flooring that is not carpet. That way it is easier to clean. Ben follows me. Plates are not thin, they are thick and sturdy, but when Ben throws them at me, they break. They are sharp when they are broken. I get hurt more.74

Soon, I feel like I am going to die, dying happens a lot on the television. People aren't in pain when they are dead. You don't do too much after you are dead. Suddenly an angel comes from the doorway. It isn't an angel from pictures with wings and robes, but it is a normal person. It is Helen. She has her magical voice device that lets talks to you in people's voices. She jumps on Ben and he spins around, he starts to beat her. I hear her screams. I cover my ears. You cover your ears when you don't want to hear a sound. I do not want to hear Helen in pain.75

She fights hard, but not hard enough. She stops moving and Ben still beats her. I am sad. She looks dead. I feel tears on my face. The kitchen is a mess. Ben is angry. Helen is hurt. This is the worst day of my life. Ben stops, he is tired. I play dead. I close my eyes and hold my breath. I hear a loud siren. Sirens mean police. I feel myself smile. Police come and get the bad guy on the television. Ben is a bad guy, a very very bad guy. They are taking him away. Police make everything good. I die when I see the angry police run into the house.76

I wake up and I am in a different place. The bed is soft and everything is white. Amy holds my hand. I smile, I am happy that Amy and Julie are back. I want to hold Helen's hand.77

Julie is there and she presses her lips to my cheek. She does that with Ben, I am glad she does not do that with Ben, but with me. I see she no longer has her pretty, shiny ring. I wonder where it went.78

I person in white comes in. She hands Amy a thin circle. This circle looks kind of like a donut, when you put it in the mouth of the television it gives you a movie. She puts it in her little television that has letters on it. She sets it in her lap and plays the movie. I am the actor. Ben is beating me. He has a sharp thing in his hand. I don't remember the sharp thing. But I know it is used for cutting things for meals. It was cutting me. I know why Amy doesn't let me use it, it hurts real bad. I don't like this movie very much. It then shows me crawling into the kitchen. Amy gets another magic circle and it shows me getting plates thrown at me. He still has the knife. He is yelling and beating me hard. Helen comes in and jumps on him. She gets beaten. I slam down the screen. I do not want to see Helen get hurt. Amy and Julie are crying with me, they do not like this, either. But Amy plays it again and Julie covers my eyes with her hands. I pull them away and Ben's sharp thing goes into Helen's stomach. I feel a scream bubble inside me and I cry silently.79

I take a while to heal. The people at this place do things that hurt me, but they are nice. I trust them, I don't even notice that Amy and Julie aren't here all the time. Sometimes I have trouble cooperating, but they are patient and gentle with me, not like Ben. They do not yell, they do not trap me, they do not make me scared and in too much pain.80

After a long time I go back to the house. Ben is not there anymore. He is in a place where the bad people go. I only have two house mother's now, Amy and Julie. Helen does not come anymore. I don't see her smiling face and I don't feel her warm hug. She does not bring her magical things and she does not tell me stories with a wonderful voice and she does not make music with her strange words. She is gone, just like Ben.81

We go to this place and everyone is dressed in black. There are a lot of crying people. Amy holds my hand so I don't get lost. There is food but I'm not supposed to eat until I'm served. I be a bad boy, though, and sneak a piece of chicken off a casserole. 82

There is a big box, I wonder whats in it. Amy leads me to the fancy, large box and we look inside the opening. Helen is in the box. Helen, what are you doing in a box? You should be with us, Helen.83

She's not moving and she looks like she's sleeping. I poke her. Wake up, Helen, you're in a box. Amy swats my hand. I guess I'm not supposed to wake her up. There's a lot of talking and it is loud, she must be a heavy sleeper. When Amy and Julie have their back turned I poke her again. I then remember the movies, how people die. I feel tears running down my face. Helen will not come back anymore because she is dead.84

Helen's hands are folded across her chest. I reach and feel them. For once in Helen's life, her hands are cold. I don't want her to have cold hands, so I try and warm them. They don't get warmer. Amy and Julie finally pull me away from Helen. I don't want to leave her side, but the two are stronger than me and I yield to them.85

The crowd sits in rows of chairs and we all listen to a man in a black robe. The man talks with an open book. I cannot understand him. Finally they put Helen, in her box, in the ground. Amy and Julie hold me back. I am crying. They cannot put Helen in the ground, I need her. She needs me. She's afraid of the dark, and the box it probably dark and the ground is probably dark. They bury her and Amy and Julie pull me to the car.86

We go to another place. I go upstairs when Amy and Julie chat and I see a pink room. On the bed is my teddy bear, the one I gave Helen years ago. This was Helen's room. I lay down on the bed, tears on my face. You cry when you are happy and when you are sad. I am very very very sad.87

A couple months after Helen died it was her birthday. I like birthdays, to celebrate them. There is no party for Helen, no balloons, no cake, no presents. We visit her, she is still in the ground. I get down and try to dig her up, so she can have some light and fresh air, but Amy won't let me. I hold in my hand my teddy bear, the one I gave to her. It is in a little clear box of its own, so it doesn't get ruined over the years. I set it down next to a big marble stone that marks where she is. It is like playing hide and seek trying to find her.88

Amy and Julie hug me, they know I understand Helen is gone. They know I am upset. I feel their warm arms around me. I hold my arms upright, I feel that, if I try hard enough, I can still feel Helen's hands. Helen's soft, gently, warm hands.