“Do you want me to drop you off at home?” Kyle, Jasmine’s boyfriend, asked. They had been together several months now but her mom did not approve. At first Jasmine had to let him go, but she loved him… Or so she thought. 1
“My mom would kill me if she saw me getting out of your car and you know that.” Jasmine stated. She was tired of sneaking around with Kyle, she felt it wasn’t fair to him. But what could she do? Last time she tried to convince her mom, Mrs. Ortiz threw a fit and threatened to throw her out of the house. 2
As Kyle’s car drove up to the corner of the street, on which she lived, Jasmine quickly noticed the police lights flashing from her house. What have you done now Mom? She thought to herself while walking towards her house. Megan Ortiz had always been a big drinker, and sometimes she made so much noise the neighbors would call the cops. But, Jasmine thought, why were there so many this time? 3
As Jasmine reached the house, four police officers turned to look at her. “Jasmine Ortiz?” they asked at exactly the same time, it sounded more like a chorus to a song. 4
“Yes? Is my mom okay officers?” She was starting to get worried. Why can’t they just get to the point, Jasmine thought. It felt like the officers were staring at her forever And then everything happened so fast.
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“Jasmine Ortiz, you’re under arrest for running away under aged, anything you say can and will be held against you in court…”After that everything for her blurred out. It was as if she was in her own scary movie, and the police were the enemy. What in the hell, she thought. 7
“You’ve made a mistake, I was out with a friend. Just ask my mom. Mom! Please come out! Mom!” Jasmine was screaming, tears were coming out of her eyes. I didn’t run away! The voice inside her head was screaming. Her face suddenly turned unhealthy white when she noticed her mom had been there all this time, and had done nothing. Suddenly, hatred for the woman bursted through her. 8
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“I can’t believe you! I didn’t run away and you know it! How could you? I’m your daughter!” She screamed, yet her mom had no reaction. Jasmine started jumping, trying to get loose from the men that were holding her. Her feet kicked in the air, face turning red, heart beating so fast that it felt it was about to explode. 10
And then Jasmine woke up, and everything went back to ‘normal’- her sitting in her 8x12 cell. She suddenly realized what she’d been dreaming and broke down into tears. Remembering that event wasn’t easy, yet it helped her realize that no one would ever be by your side forever. Her mom was living proof of that, and so was the boy she loved. Kyle. 11
12
Kyle had stopped visiting after a month of Jasmine being locked up. He had said it wasn’t right for him being there, bringing so much pain to her. Jasmine didn’t know If they were broken up or not, but she felt the space that he had left the last time he visited. And she knew, he felt guilty and somehow she felt it was his fault too. 13
In a list
Chapter 2. what do you think?
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
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goodgood, i like the4 way your leading into it.
excelletn use of language and the feelings a girl feels when she cares for someone or feels betrayed.
birlliant.
keep it up!
Hunter~
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I like it. I would only wonder about being in jail for so long and being underage. There might be something later in the story that will make it make sense (in which case you can ignore me), but usually young people get out of jail pretty fast, don't they? Maybe to make it more plausible you could have her acctually do something worth going to jail for for a long period of time.
But still, good job, I'm definitely interested to read the next one.
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Just to clarify - that scene was a dream right? Not a flashback? Reason I'm asking is I don't think they arrest children for running away...do they? I could be wrong of course (I don't know much about these things).
But anyways, you've still managed to keep my interest. Be sure to develop your characters (though I think I'm not the first to say this). Good job =) -
Interesting
i loved the odd twist of what happened between her mother but i think you should add more details about kyle so he doesnt sound like a 2d character, but the flashbacks and dreams is a good touch.
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Interesting, showing a different side of the mother figure then in the first chapter. Going from flipping pancakes to having her daughter locked up. What a twist~
Now I'm interested in Kyle's background, and I already find myself hoping that they really didn't break up. It's always a tragedy but a somewhat common one, to have one of the signifigant others break things off because of some sort of pain being caused.
Once again, I'm off to the next part.
B.N
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Another fantastic work but too short
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Way better, I think each chapter gets a tad bit better. ^____^ Good write, and it grabbed my attention as well. Excellent.
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Still love it! I am going to go and read the next chapter too! It also kept me interested the entire time! You are an excellent writer! Great job and keep writing!
~Autumn -
Much better and more intresting chapter..i felt pai to see that kind of mother and her act but ok life is not bed of roses..well done dear..keep writin.
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Still lovin' it! I like how she constantly remember her memories in dreams and just thinking about it. That happens to me sometimes, of course I am not in your character's situation, and I break down crying. This is a fantastic story. I hope you keep it going. And I also thought it was very sad that Kyle stopped visiting her.
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Starting a sentecne with As.
You wrote: As Kyle’s car drove up to the corner of the street, on which she lived, Jasmine quickly noticed the police lights flashing from her house.
I suggested you change it to: Kyle's car pulled up to the corner of her street. Jasmine immediately saw the police lights flashing in front of her house.
Let me explain why. You'll never find a good author starting a sentence with As. It makes the sentence weak and flimsy. Also, it is important to edit out all the excess verbiage that doesn’t move the story forward. That is why shortened the sentences and got rid of AS at the beginning.
As Kyle’s car drove up to the corner of the street, on which she lived, Jasmine quickly noticed the police lights flashing from her house.
Kyle's car pulled up to the corner of her street. Jasmine immediately saw the police lights flashing in front of her house.
Now, what sounds better to you? As Kyle’s car drove up to the corner of the street, on which she lived,- or- Kyle's car pulled up to the corner of her street.
I think you'll find that the latter is much stronger writing.
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it was good realistic as ever it really draws you in
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It was amazing i can't believe a mother would do that do her daughter. But this world is cruel sometimes. This chapter was even better than the first. Keep them coming.
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Good job with chapter two. You carried it right on from chapter one, and did a good job with it again.
A few minor grammar mistakes I caught were as follows:
Paragraph 3: "up to the corner of the street, in[on?] which she lived"
Paragraph 11: "Her mom was living prove[proof] of that" -
The second chapter was as good as the first. Man, her mom had it in for her. That boyfriend of hers got issues for leaving her in the dust. I wonder what will happen in chapter 3.
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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cool! perhaps the boyfriend and the mom were in a conspericy.
very intresting! I loved it! -
An afterthought
One thing I forgot. Where you said- As Kyle’s car drove up to the corner of the street, in which she lived, It would be better had you said- Kyle's car pulled up to the corner of her street. Jasmine immediately saw the police lights flashing in front of her house. -
Great Second Chapter
This is a good second chapter. Let me point out a few minor mistakes, the kind we all make from time to time. First, in the third line where it says Jasmine ‘stated,’ It would be better to say Jasmine ‘said.’ Very few good authors ever use anything but ‘said’ and occasionally ‘asked.’ But mostly they only use said. The reason is very simple. Said goes by almost unnoticed by the reader, whereas stated, or blurted, or grunted, etc. are always a distraction.
“Yes? Is my mom okay?” She was worried. Why can’t they just get to the point? Jasmine thought. It felt like the cops were staring at her forever, and then everything happened so fast.
“Jasmine Ortiz, you’re under arrest for running away under ‘age.’ Anything you say can and will be held against you in court…” ‘After that everything seemed to blur out.’ It was as if she was in her own scary movie, and the police were the enemy. What in the hell, she thought. 7
“You’ve made a mistake, I was out with a friend. Just ask my mom. Mom? Please come out. Mom?”
Jasmine was shedding tears all at once.
I didn’t run away. The voice inside her was screaming. Her face suddenly turned ashen when she noticed her mom had been there all this time, and had done nothing. Suddenly, ‘she felt hatred for her mother again.’ 8
9“I can’t believe you,” she said. “I didn’t run away and you know it. How could you? I’m your daughter,” she said, her voice shrill, yet her mom showed no reaction. Jasmine started jumping, trying to get loose from the men that were holding her. She kicked her feet in the air, face red, heart beating so fast that it felt it was about to explode. 10
And then Jasmine woke up, and everything went back to ‘normal’- her sitting in her 8x12 cell. She realized what she’d been dreaming and began to sob. Remembering that event wasn’t easy, yet it helped her realize that no one would ever be by your side forever. Her mom was living proof of that, and so was the boy she loved, Kyle.
You'll notice I've mad several changes. You'll need to read it carefully to see what they are but I think you will find that they help to move the story forward. I got rid of all your exclamation marks. They are one of the biggest signs of amateur writing and they are unnecessary. Good authors might use one or at the most two in and entire novel. I hope this helps.
Just one final thought. Judges and editors always look for a double-space after every period.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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Liked it alot! I am looking forward to the 3rd Chapter
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I see most of the grammer errors have already been pointed out, so we'll concentrate on sentence structure.
#1 "Do you want me to drop you off at home? Kyle asked. The next sentence explains that he is her boyfriend.
Rethink the next sentence.
#2 Last time she tried to convince her mom, she threw a fit and threatened to throw her out.
Make the sentences sound like you really thing and talk.
#3 neighbors would call the cops; but Jasmine thought
There is no way she would spend four years in an 8x10 cell for running away. In Juvenile, she would be in more of a dorm setting than a cell, unless she was violent, and not for four years. She would have had to have done something much more violent.
She might have been committed to a Physc ward, but not for that long and not in a cell.
You have some very good ideas, but you must keep it realistic.
#8 hatred for the woman [burst] through her.
Just keep re-reading and re-writing until it reads smoothly and sounds like you actually talk and think.
You will be surprised how quickly your sentences will start to flow like real life and sound much less akward.
Just never give up. The main thing is to keep it real.
Trish :
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i know it doesn't sound realistic now, but wait until chapter 3 or 4 it'll explain why she's there besides running away,
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Good
I like this, I'd love to know when number 3 comes out,
Grammar errors.
At first Jasmine had to let him go, but she loved him…or so she thought.
Leave a space, and make a capital after the '...'.
At first Jasmine had to let him go, but she loved him… Or so she thought.
As Kyle’s car drove up to the corner of the street, in which she lived , Jasmine quickly noticed the police lights flashing from her house.
Take out the space after the ','.
As Kyle’s car drove up to the corner of the street, in which she lived, Jasmine quickly noticed the police lights flashing from her house.
What have you done now mom?
'mom' should have a capital there.
But, jasmine thought, why were there so many this time?
You need a capital to Jasmine's name, and you need to seperate the thought.
But, Jasmine thought, why were there so many this time?
You can do italics like this; < i > text Exept remove the spaces bettween the < and the i's.
“Yes? Is my mom ok officers?”
'mom' needs a capital, and you need to write either 'OK' or 'okay'.
Well done,
I really enjoyed this,
Dream ♥ -
I like it, though I'd have to agree with gezza on the grammar/spelling. Keep on writing...I betcha within the next 10-20 years I can go into a bookstore and buy one with your name on it^-^ really good character development.
language: 2, plot: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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This is a good story - it get's into Jasmine's character with a lot of depth, and it has a bit of a twist at the end, giving it a little more than a straightforward plot. One thing to watch out for - when she has her tirade against her mother, I am not sure where in the narrative you describe her mother making an appearance.
I also like the subtleties of Kyle's character - he is a bit mysterious to me, the reader, and perhaps you meant this to be, which reflects the uncertainty of Jasmine's affections for him (and her understanding of his to her).
Overall, I think this is a good piece of flash fiction. I look forward to reading your other stories soon.
With this story, I will show where you could tighten your grammar and spelling (I am being finicky here, but that's what editing is - not meant to be a criticism of you).
para 1. after the ellipsis (...), leave a space.
para 2. "Las" should be "Last"; "through" should be "threw".
para 3. "she lived at" should be "she lived" - "at" isn't needed. Probably don't need "eyes" - you can say "Jasmine quickly noticed". "they" in last line should be "there".
para 4 I will fix: As Jasmine reached the house four police officers turned to look at her. "Jasmine Ortiz?" they asked, at exactly the same time; it sounded more like a chorus to a song. [nice turn of phrase, btw).
para 5. clumsy second last sentence. Perhaps: It felt like the officers were staring at her forever.
When you have internal thoughts, use italics if you are a gold or silver member. If not, that's OK too - however, treat it like dialogue in the sense that when you finish, and qualify, use lower case. So, para 8 - I didn't run away! the voice inside her head was screaming, for instance. There are earlier examples, too.
para 10 - "lose" should be "loose".
para 11 - suggest putting a hyphen after 'normal' to direct the reader to what you mean.
para 13 - leave the comma out
Thanks for allowing me to read your story.
Gez
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good...
good story good words my only gripe it's a little confuseing with the switching view i get the whole whirling thoughts thing but still a little jumpy but I like it so far.beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 5.
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If it's no bother for you.. could you explain a little how it's jumpy. i can't find the parts.
thanks again for taking the time to read and comment.
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this was really good (though i got to go read the first part to understand it better) the ending had me about to cry.
lol good job i love your stories.
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