As the two men advanced, I briefly entertained the idea of fighting. I thought the smaller one with the jagged scar across his chin would be the easier of the two. Then remembered I didn’t know the first thing about taking on an opponent of that size, or any size for that matter.1
Kyle took a more aggressive stance than he had before; legs apart, one foot slightly ahead of the other. His knees were bent and hands clenched in fists at chest height. A determined look was plastered across his normally soft features.2
I was stunned at the thought that Kyle was so confident that he could take on these walking mountains. I touched his shoulder gently, so as to not startle him. When he glanced over I shook my head. There was no reason why he should get badly injured over this. I was convinced there was another way out of this. His posture and attitude did not change.3
“Come, come, Sabrina." Carmen tsked. "Fighting really isn’t necessary. If you come along quietly, Kyle can walk away with me, unhurt.” She paused and twined her hands together. “If not, you both get hurt and I have the pleasure of nursing Kyle back from the brink of death.”4
During her short speech my brows rose in surprise. I just could not believe what I was hearing. This small, quiet, mousy librarian was a threat, but how much of a threat was the question of the hour.5
“Carmen, I don’t want to fight. I don’t want Kyle hurt.” I tried to catch Kyle’s attention. He ignored me, again.6
Carmen tapped a finger on her dimpled chin before replying, “I don’t think you have any say in it.” She gestured to Kyle. He had crouched lower and was bouncing on the balls of his feet.7
“Kyle,” I hissed. “What are you doing? Do you want to get hurt? Please, please stop.”8
But as I said the last words, he launched himself at the man who looked like he had had his nose broken.9
I had to admit Kyle was quick. I watched him deliver a roundhouse kick that connected soundly to the man with the broken nose's chest. The man staggered back from the force. Kyle slammed into the man with the scarred chin in the jaw. Solid thuds echoed through the peaceful afternoon.10
I lost track of Kyle, fists and legs meshed together in a strange dance. The man with the scar on his chin threw a punch in Kyle’s direction. He missed and landed on the ground with the force.11
I watched Carmen as the fight continued. She appeared to watch intensely. Eyes wide, mouth open as if it was a great play, being performed by widely known actors.12
When Kyle slammed into the ground it drew my attention away from Carmen.13
I inched my way towards the fight. Still I knew I couldn't do anything. Kyle needed my help and I was not going to sit there and watch him defend me and not do anything. I needed to do something, anything.14
I shouldn't have taken my eyes off of Carmen. I knew Kyle could take care of himself. I had learned that in the last few minutes.15
I was grabbed from behind before I saw what happened next. A cold object was pressed against my throat before I could react. I hissed in pain as the object bit into my skin, drawing a drop of blood.16
“Kyle,” Carmen called from behind me. “Stop now!”17
By now Kyle had an opponent on the ground. He swept a leg from underneath the man with the healed nose and was still crouched close to the ground, ready to jump the next guy. They all stopped at Carmen’s voice.18
Kyle's lip was bleeding and his eye was rapidly swelling. He wiped a line of blood from his chin, while his breathing remained rapid. Kyle advanced a few steps and Carmen pressed the knife deeper. I made a small noise of pain and he stopped.19
“Don’t hurt her,“ Kyle pleaded, standing up.20
Carmen’s stance relaxed a little and the knife eased slightly from my throat.21
“Carmen, think about this. You really don’t want to do this.” I tried to reason with her, while trying not to swallow to hard.22
“I’m only following orders,” she whispered in my ear. “Back up, Kyle.”23
He did as he was told, hands raised.24
“We are leaving. You two idiots.” She gestured to the men. “Get him. Let’s go peasant.”25
I moved carefully forward. Carmen let go of my neck, but kept a hold of my arm. Kyle followed between the walking mountains.26
Somewhere, I had dropped my canvas bags.27
I cursed low, under my breath. Bitterness colored my language. I kept stumbling over every exposed toot and rock edge, as we were prodded along the newly trampled path. Branches slapped at us, making small scratches in our bare skin, as we pushed threw.28
I refrained from raising my voice and making a sarcastic remark about the quality of the path. Maybe I didn't think it would go over well with the walking rocks and the witch leading. Maybe I was growing up.29
The afternoon was growing warm, and a think sheen of sweat coated my forehead. Beads of moisture slithered, like a small garden snake, down my spine.30
I heard Kyle panting in front of me. He wasn't having any easier at time then I was on this rocky trail. By the tense set of his shoulders I could tell he was not happy with our current situation. I really couldn't blame him, I hated this too.31
There had to be a way out of this. It just wasn't in my character to be taken without a fight. I hadn't squirmed and schemed my way out of hundreds of punishments to be taken out of the game like this.32
At the same time it was hard to think of a way out. The scarred man was in front of Kyle and the boulder with the broken nose was behind me. Carmen lead the way. The path was hemmed in on both sides with bushes and foliage, untamed. Above, even if I could fly or jump high, was canopied with overgrown threes. Their branches weighted down with leaves.33
Carmen and our captors were silent and it was grating on my nerves.34
"Where are you taking u?" I asked, not really expecting an answer.35
When, at last, the cave came into view, it was sudden. We were trudging through shrubs and trees, stumbling over uneven ground one minute, the next a gaping black hole loomed in front of us. Its opening looked like a huge toothless mouth, ready to swallow us whole.36
“Inside!” Ordered Carmen. Kyle was shoved violently.
Author notes
I suck at fight scenes. Let me know if it is decent. 
Ok, have rewritten the fight scene and added more. I do hope it is better now. But if it isn't please 
me
8/27
In a list
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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Hey Brooke,
I see you've added a lot of extra detail to this. That's great!
However, you have to be careful with the fight now because the longish descriptions of each man slow it down severely (though I notice you use the descriptions as names in Ch 22 instead which I would highly recommend doing in this chapter too - but then that means you need to use the long descriptions a bit earlier on perhaps when Sabrina first notices the two men and have her describe them then).
I'm really glad to see that Sabrina decides she has to try to do something - even though we all know she'd probably just get in the way.
In p14 though, it seems odd that she says "I knew I couldn't do anything" but then she says "I was not going to sit there and ... not do anything". It's like she knows she'll get in the way and be useless but she's going to get in the way and be useless, anyway.
Some other minor errors:
p22. spelling - "swallow to (too) hard"
p25. punctuation - "You two idiots" and "Get him" are technically both part of the same sentence and should be treated as such. That is, it should be punctuated like so: "You two idiots," she said, gesturing to the two men, "get him."
p28. typo - "toot" meant to be root"?
spelling - "threw" should be "through"
p30. typo - "think" meant to be "thick"?
p31. typo - "any easier at time" ("at" should be "a")
p33. spelling - "lead" should be "led"
typo - "threes" meant to be "trees"
p35. typo - "u" meant to be "us"
Between p35 and 36, I feel you need at least a sentence saying something like "I was right, they ignored me." As it is, it feels like there's a big jump between her asking the question and them coming to the cave.
The toothless cave mouth works much better.
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Sorry it's taken so long to respond. It seems that there is not enough time in the day or week even to get to the things I love.
So do appreciate your input on this fight scene. I've never attempted to do one and now I can see why. I love your suggestions and will see what I can do about this. I'll let you know when I have to rewritten again. I hope you will look at it again.
Again thank you.
Brooke -
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I totally agree about there not being enough time in the day. It's really hard to juggle everything and write at the same time!
Don't beat yourself up about the fight scene. They are hard to write. I guess that's why not many books (that I've read, anyway) have them in them. And if you do find one, you're so caught up in the action that it's hard to notice how it's actually been written!
It's great to see you so dedicated to improving it so, sure, I'll look at it again. But try not to be too influenced by what I say. As I mentioned before, our writing styles are quite different. I forget that sometimes when I review things. 
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Hey Brooke,
I have to agree with the others, the fight scene was OK, so you can stop beating yourself up about it. I think Sabrina is a wimp though. She should have knocked Carmen out. Good installment, looking forward to the next
Steve
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I'm going to rewrite this one. I like what Myryca said and will seriously use her knowledge
Thanks. And I hope you will check it out after I've rewritten it
Brooke
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I haven't read your previous chapters but I feel I can point out a few things.
A couple of errors (others may have mentioned them already):
p2. spelling "a head" should be one word.
p9. typo: "the closest mean" - do you mean 'man'?
p18. typo: "think about his"
p27. spelling: "gapping" should only have one 'p' in it.
Also, "gum us to mush" took me back a bit. It's very unusual and doesn't seem right because a cave gives me the impression of sharp rocks - despite your comment that it looked like a toothless mouth.
I like the style of writing and the way Sabrina's personality comes through with certain phrases. I personally think you need more narrative/description though. Just with people's reactions, I think. For instance, when Kyle's in the middle of fighting and then realises that Sabrina's life is in danger. It seemed to jump too quickly from serious kickass tension to scared pleading.
Reading the fight scene, it sounded to me like there were much more than 2 guys fighting Kyle. In particular because bones crack and they seem to seriously get injured yet they keep attacking him. I think it also doesn't help that the 2 men don't have names or any identifying noun to describe them. So I think you're talking about a new man every time.
I also thought it a bit strange that Sabrina would just stand and watch the fight (although that might be her character, I don't know) and thus not notice Carmen slip behind her. It sounds like a fairly long fight too, with all that happens in it, despite her not being able to follow all the action.
Fight scenes can be tough. I find the best way to write them is to describe things as they happen rather than describe what had just happened.
For instance, p14. You say what Kyle had just done (swept a leg out from under one guy) instead of saying it as he was doing it, or instead of just saying that one guy was on the floor. Besides which, I think Sabrina would have been distracted by the knife at her neck and she possibly wouldn't have even seen Kyle do that.
Other suggestions with fight scenes are to use short, snappy sentences and also snappy words (eg. 'spun', 'snapped', 'lashed out', 'slammed'). It's best not to use the "as" word, in my opinion, because that slows things down (by lengthening/slowing down the sentence).
Also, since the action is coming quick, it's fine to skip out on minor details like Kyle standing up again or crouching on the ground or people being knocked out.
An example would be p10 (not trying to rewrite your story, this is just an example). You could compress it like so: "He kicked the first man in the chest then spun and slammed his fist into the second man's jaw. I cringed at the sound of bones cracking."
In my opinion, that gives a much faster feel to it. It's action as it's happening, the sentences are fairly short and snappy (lots of stuff is happening which also makes things feel faster) and there's not much description to slow it down.
That's how I write my fight scenes anyway. It'll probably be different from how you end up writing yours because my writing style (when writing stories with fight scenes in them) is somewhat different from yours. -
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Thanks you so much for this wisdom
I am going to rewrite this scene and see what I can do.
You've given me alot to think about.
Again thank you.
Brooke
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So Kyle is a lot tougher than Sabrina gives him credit for
. This does make one smile. A bit of humor spices up a confrontation between women .
Nice job, Brooke, on the fight scene, but it was a bit short. Darn that Carmen adding a knife to the equation. Weapons always have to come into play
, just when we have a good guy walloping some evil butt.
The plot was easy to follow and the dialogue fit the activity.
There are a few things you might look at:
Kyle had taken (took) a more aggressive stance then he had before; legs apart, one (foot) slightly ahead of the other. He’s knees were bent and hands clenched (in fists) at chest height. A determined look was plastered across his features.2
I touched his shoulder gently, (so) as to not startle him.
This small, quiet, mousey (mousy) librarian was a threat.
“Kyle,” I hissed. “What are you dong? (doing?)
But as I said the last words (,) he launched himself at the closest mean (man).9
One man threw a punch in Kyle’s direction, only to miss and spin around with (the) force.11
By now Kyle had one (an opponent) on the ground. He had swept a leg from underneath the one (that) man and was still crouched close to the ground, ready to jump the next guy.
Somewhere (Some time during the encounter) Kyle had been hit in the face.
He did as (he was) told, hands raised.20
Kyle followed between the walking mountains.22(like them boulders better)
***24 (Really don’t need a break here since We walked a bit, is a perfect transitional sentence.)
Its opening looked like a huge toothless mouth, ready to gum us to mush.27 (terrific analogy).
Geri
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I think the fight scene comes off well, since it's a fairly short chapter and the fight is just a part of it. There's enough action described for the reader to feel what's happening and imagine more.
Who knew Kyle could actually fight?
Now I'm wondering which master Carmen is working for and what's waiting for them in the cave. Hmm.
The only thing I noticed that Lawrie hasn't already mentioned was:
p8. What are you dong - 'doing'?
p27. 'Its opening looked like a huge toothless mouth, ready to gum us to mush.' I like the imagery of a huge toothless mouth, but 'ready to gum us to mush.' sounds awkward, like something an old person would do. *just joking*
Maybe something more like 'ready to swallow us whole.', or something. Just a thought.
So much for getting Sabrina to a safehouse. *laughs*
Can't wait to see who/what's inside the cave.
Great little action chapter.
Greg
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Man, I liked my 'toothless, gummy mush' description. But I think you are right. I've changed it.
I'm going to rewrite this part. See if I can do what Myryca and geri have suggested.
Hope you will read it again after I've reposted it
Thanks
Brooke
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Another great chapter!
#9 the closest [mean] Do you mean man?
I read this before and wrote out a comment, but it seems to have disappeared. Guess I forgot to submit.
I'm still enjoying it and am anxious to find out what Carmen is up to.
Trish
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Thanks for the read. I am going to go through and fix some things that the others pointed out. I hope you will read again when I repost it.
Thanks again
Brooke
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OOPS sorry,.. I forgot to say.. Excellent Chapter.
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I hate writting fight scenes too.. You did a great job.. I agree, here less is more.. Go Kyle
Never mess with us mousy librarians. What does she think.. she can kidnap a girl and let Kyle get beatup but still get him... I think she is a little. 
hmm I wonder who she is taking orders from?
I see all the little boo boo's have been pointed out.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I thought so too, that Carmen was a bit
I'm not entirely sure what she is thinking.
I'm going to fix some things that the others have brought up and then repost. I do hope you will stop by again and read
Thanks for thes
Brooke
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I believe the fight scene was okay. There's no need to describe every blow or grunt, and the way this scene has been done leaves the readers to use their imaginations in filling in any 'extra bits'. I think it works well.
I think I may have missed a chapter (or two) somehow, so I will have to do some 'catch up' reading.
Some what-nots for you:
p2 - then - than//a head - ahead//He's - His//bent(,)
p9 - mean - man
p14 - the one man - 'one' not rerquired
p17 - knife eased slightly from my neck - I think 'neck' should be throat (to conform with para 12)
p27 - gapping - gaping
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Thanks for the edit. Have fixed those
Am going to go back over this and rewrite the fight scene. Myryca and geri, along with a couple more made some good points.
I do hope when I repost this, you will read again
Thanks for this read.
Brooke
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Forget the fight scene, you have done it well, in this instance, less is more. the readers imagination is enough. I shall have to backtrack as i seem to have missed something.
Interesting story though.
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Thanks, I've read detailed fight scenes from authors like Terry Brooks and RA Salvatore and knew I would never be able to do write like them without taking a class or two or three, so I was nervous about it.
Thanks for boosting the ego
Brooke
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That said tons without saying much, which is a good method to have a quick fightscene.
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Thanks, I was nervous about this scene
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