The Evil Within Us All

“I ran away from Mommy, I ran away from Mommy…”1

I’m skipping through the forest and I’m singing because I’m happy. Mommy doesn’t like me very much—she told me herself, and I have the bruises to prove it. But now I never have to see her again, and even though my knee hurts from when she threw me down the stairs, I’m jumping and skipping and dancing with the little birdies and the squirrelies, giggling as the woodsy musk of the air tickles my nose and fills my veins.2

But then I hear the engine.3

Mommy’s truck doesn’t purr or growl like other cars do; it coughs and sputters and spits like Grampy after a cigarette. And when I hear it I get scared again, and all of a sudden I’m running blindly as fast as I can, tripping over tree trunks and bushes as I try to get as far into the forest as I can.4

I hear footsteps behind me. Light, quick footsteps.5

It’s Mommy.6

She’s chasing me, and I know from experience that Mommy is much faster than I am. I hear her calling my name: “Olivia, honey, where are you? Livvy, please come out!” And my heart speeds up as I try to run faster. Mommy doesn’t call me Livvy unless she wants to bring the belt out.7

I hate the belt.8

But it’s dark out, and I can’t see where I’m putting my feet, so I trip over a tree stump and roll into the shadows, and now my ankle hurts, too. I cower against a tree, tears streaming down my cheeks as Mommy gets closer, trying not to breathe so maybe Mommy might walk right past me. It almost works, too—but Mommy’s very smart. As she passes my tree, she whispers, “Livvy, I have a present for you…” and I feel a sharp pain in my chest. “A present” means the closet.9

I hate the closet.10

And now I’m hyperventilating and Mommy hears me, and she turns around and squints into the darkness. “Livvy?”11

I try to run again, but my ankle yells at me and I fall to the ground. “Livvy!” Mommy yells, and now she’s running at me. She’s going to catch me—she’s going to hurt me—she might kill me—12

Choking on my tears, I reach into my pocket and pull out Daddy’s knife. He gave it to me before he died, and it always gives me strength. Suddenly I can run again, and even though my ankle’s throbbing I manage to make it to another thicket of trees. I gaze through the branches, holding the knife in my sweaty hands, and I begin to whisper another song:13

“Mommy’s gonna kill me, Mommy’s gonna kill me…”14

And when Mommy catches up, she looks into the shady thicket and sees my brown eyes peering at her. Slowly she approaches, her arms stretched out like she wants a hug. “Livvy, honey, I found you. Don’t you ever scare Mommy like that again, little gir—”15

Panicking, I shove the knife into her neck.16

Suddenly all I see is red, rich liquidy ruby red. Mommy falls to the ground, and for the first time I am taller than her, stronger, too, and I dig my knife into her chest, her arms, her legs, her stomach… it’s red, all red, and I love red, and I swing my blade up and bring it down I don’t know how many times but Mommy isn’t Mommy anymore oh no she’s not and I’m not Olivia nuh-uh not anymore—17

I am strong like a superhero.18

My mind is empty, black like Mommy’s nails, and my arms move without me telling them what to do. They already know what must be done. Mommy doesn’t move when I carve a smile onto her face, or even when I draw a heart onto the blood on her chest. Maybe now she’ll be happy, and she won’t hate people so much. I don’t know, but I’m giggling like a maniac, and tears are running down my face but I don’t know if they’re happy tears or sad ones. All I know is that the ticklish woodsy smell has been replaced by sinewy copper, and it makes my stomach squirm and squiggle. Then I bend over a bush and I throw up into the leaves, and I wipe my blade and my hands and my chin onto my red-stained shirt. I stick the knife into my pocket and uproot a small white flower growing a few feet away. I put the flower in Mommy’s hair because Mommy loves flowers, and seconds later I am limping through the forest. There’s a funny feeling in my chest and I think I have a headache, but Mommy’s not chasing me anymore and that makes me happy.19

“I got away from Mommy, I got away from Mommy…”

Author notes

I usually write love stories. This is the one and only murder story I've ever written

My favorite song is "This Woman's Worth"

1. A child Murderer

2. The Eyes of the Forest for KiwiGurl

In a list

A contest entry

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 209. (?) (Line numbers)
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Comments

1 - 30 of 40     1 2  next >  (show all)
  • VariousSingularity
    November 20
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    Well holy hell...Wasn't that the nicest little girl I've read about...

    You know, I kind of got scared at the beginning. I thought this was going to be one of those 'mommy doesn't love me so I hate myself' stories. I thought my contest description was enough to scare that kind of story away. But this was in no way that kind of story.

    This story was awesome. What an ending! It really brought everything together: frolicking through the forest, motherhood, and the innocence of homicidal, knife-wielding children. I loved it.


  • terrex2005
    November 20
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    Edit | Reply

    nice

    i'm doing evil struck us all it's about this guy who's in a love triangle by two women who want him but one will try to do whatever it takes to get him even if it means of going to prison or killing herself.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • imagist
    November 17
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    Edit | Reply
    This was really good! You captured the girl's character very well, and almost made me feel as if I was in the forest with her. Great job.


  • Whipper Snapper silver member
    November 5

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    Man oh man. What a twist. I expected the mom to kill her or something, but it was actually the other way around. I loved it. Very nice job.


  • slyly annonymous
    November 1
    Edit | Reply
    Oops, sorry forgot to clap.

  • slyly annonymous
    November 1

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    I really like this =] The emotions were so real, I was practically screaming at my moniter when I thought the mother was going to catch Olivia. I didn't expect the ending, it's kind of disturbing but at the same time happy? She gets away from her mom and that's good. Great story though, it's short yet so very complete.


  • LilyFate
    October 17

    Edit | Reply
    That story is frickin awesome! Its really creepy too. about how old do you think the girl is? she sounds about 6ish,... hmm thats what i was wondering and... yea...

    -LilyFate


  • E Ardania
    October 9

    Edit | Reply
    The first sentence immediately had my attention. Commendation for that.

    The style in which the story is written, in the view of a child's, gives the story more strength. I would never have thought that a small child would have been capable of killing her own mother... let alone at the age I'm supposing the child is approximately. Points for the shock. The short sentences increase the suspense and gives a welcome break to the paragraphs.

    I also loved how you included actions and thoughts of a typical child in the last paragraph - the smile, the heart and the flower all point towards innocence but in this case it makes Livvy sound mentally disturbed.

    An extremely well written story, well done.


  • BlondSteph
    October 3

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    Lovely story! rather emotional in a way, love the way you add small short sentences in adding tention into this great story. Best of luck in the contest!


  • emperess27
    September 6

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    Wow. What a good story. Very detailed. Thanks for entering my contest. I loved the way you felt for the characters, the way it made my chest tighten when I thought about what was going to happen. Awesome! =)


  • CallMeWhenUrRich
    September 4

    Edit | Reply
    Wow. Amazing.

    This was an amazing murder story. Very Joker-like. Especially carving the smile onto her face.

    Great job!


  • tsh369 gold member
    August 31

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    For your one and only murder story I think you did an amazing job. I can see why you would be proud of this. It is a pleasure to read something that is so smooth. I wonder if the child may grow up to be a serial killer.
    Thank you for entering my contest. Good Luck!!!

    Th.


  • tk draper
    August 27
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    I LOVED IT

    what can i say that wasnt already said, this is genius


  • Alex Fitzpatrick
    August 26

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    And excellent story.

    This story is amazing, Renaissance. From the first word to the last I was held completely in suspense. What a wonderful and original imagination you have. I didn't see one error in the entire story. That's the first time I've seen that since I've been on storywrite. Your words paint very vivid images and your writing evokes much emotion. I felt this child's fear and panic as she was trying to hide from her mommy in the forest. I can't get over what a great story this is. Well done

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 5.


  • Alex Fitzpatrick
    August 26
    Edit | Reply

    An excellent story.

  • Flightwing
    August 23

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    Very interesting indeed. I almost felt like I was in the child's shoes. Definitely capitalize on this type of writing. It works really well for you.

  • hals
    August 22

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    Quite creepy and disturbing (not in a bad way of course)! After reading this, I'm really thinking about all the unanswered questions this story poses - like was the mother truly evil? - and even though not knowing the answers can frustrate me, stories like these are always the best because they force you to really meditate on them. Very well written as well!

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.


  • TightSocks
    August 22

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    BRILLIANT.. I love it. I feel so happy for the little girl, too. :] I wish I could give you points but I don't have much and I'm saving for a contest. ^^ MAYBE YOU COULD ENTER. Lol.

    You are a very good writer and if that is where your mind is set and if you wish for a career in writing, you can certainly do it.

    Awesome Job.

    • therenaissancegirl gold member
      August 22
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you so much for the kind comment! I'll definitely try to enter the contest; just send me the link when it's open


  • Melancholic Smile
    August 21

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    Wow, this was pretty dark! But a very good read and write as well! I liked the way you wrote this from the child's POV with the language a child would use. I felt really sorry for her as she ran through the woods and for having an evil mother. I felt that it was supposed to be written by a pretty young child and at para 17 it sort of lost it's power when she starts stabbing her mother over and over - because in the reader's mind it's hard to imagine a child doing that. They would probably be more likely to stab once and freak out at all the blood. Again in para 19 where she carves a smile on her mother's face, I would be more likely to say she played about with the blood and made it into a smile shape if anything, that would be more realistic. But then I don't really know if you were going for a realistic feel or just a creepy one so my comments could be quite irrelevant! Overall I really enjoyed this and it had a good mix of emotion in it. It was quite chilling as well! Thank you for entering and good luck


    • therenaissancegirl gold member
      August 22
      Edit | Reply
      I was actually going for more of a creepy feel--trying to freak you out a little thank you for your comment!


  • Hloverofpeace
    August 21

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    this is very...disturbing.. i think i'll stick with that word.
    yet i liked it. very much, it was an interesting thing to read because i never really read things like this.. i liked how the character wasn't just sad but it had different feelings all around.

    amazing,


  • Jack Necron
    August 20

    Edit | Reply

    Disturbing

    This was well done in the light that it was disturbing and eerie.

    The main character is a mix of emotions. You have sadness, fear, anger and insanity all in one little box. She was well depicted and her dialogue served her well. It was interesting to delve into her mind and see her thoughts.

    The details were interestingly described, like the car's engine and the attack on the mother. You used good words.

    The way the mother talked made me wonder if she really was evil, or if the main character simply viewed her that way. You leave it open and that makes it more strange. You don't know if you should feel sorry or hate the main character haha.

    This seemed like an old, creepy child's rhyme in a sense. (Kinda like how Ring Around The Rosey is based off the Black Plague.)

    Overall, this was well done and I think you should write more horror.


  • Maxxym Neovalerious
    August 19

    Edit | Reply

    Creepy...

    You have talent, this was a good story to read.

    The little girl... oh, I have always thought childs and terror/murder of some sort are a good mix, sweet and evil...

    This was creepy, but I enjoyed reading it, I liked the way you showed the what the girl was thinking during the story, that was a good detail. I also loved the way you made her sing...

    As for errors... I am not so good finding them or giving advices of some sort, everything looked fine to me

    Great Story!

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • SageSyren Greeters member
    August 18

    Edit | Reply
    Creepy, sad, but well written. I wonder if maybe you could have snuck smell in there. I was thinking maybe when she was hiding, like smelling the dust as she leaning against the tree or even the tree. But then I thought an easier place was with the blood. Of course this is just my suggestion and other people don't think smell is as important, but it's worth a shot.

    Great write.
    Brooke


    • therenaissancegirl gold member
      August 18
      Edit | Reply

      <

      Hmm, actually I really like that idea! I'll look back and try to work something in thanks for the review!

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