The Black Widow Spider (AKA Pleasureful Death AKA Story 5) 2
Her leather attire was exactly what this sick human being who called himself a man wanted in his bondage hookers. She put her hands delicately on his thigh as she slowly moved her head up his pants. He began to become more excited like a dog who was being petted on his belly who was foaming at the mouth from too much pleasure, but she became use to that foam falling on her face many years ago. He sat on the chair as she began to move her hand up his body. He wore a business suit and he looked like a balding man in his fifties, but he had the edge of a stone cold killer a little past his prime. It was hard to believe that he was the leader of the Hell Cities’ Mafia, since he looked so old and had become so perverted that he began to touch a girl who was only 17 years old. As his head rolled back with joy from the girl’s pleasureful biting on his leg, but unknown to him she left huge bruise marks on his leg. She began to slowly touch his body as she kissed him on the lips which she began to bite down on very hard...he began to bleed from his lips, but for some reason the pleasure was too much for him and he let her bite as hard as she wanted, but she only bit him enough to make him bleed some what. He became too excited and began moaning loudly over and over. He started shaking with anticipation while pulling down his dress pants and yelled at her, “Time to blow, bitch and blow mine hard ” She prepared to grab it while he , but for a moment in time a thought came to her head of a sad time in her life that she wanted to forget about completely. But then a furious wind storm seem to come alive from within her. She looked at his crouch and thought to herself, “No more games ” And with that she bit down as hard as possible.3
Her named used to be, Alice, that of a normal girl in that triangle of cities known as The Hell Cities. All that mattered in those days were her parents, her little brother, and having a little bit of food on the table. Her little brother was her life, since her parents had to work in factories that treated her parents as nothing and gave them ridiculous work hours. But they were there for everything and they were there whenever they were needed by their little children. On Alice’s 11th birthday, she decided to go work with her parents since her little brother was 7 years old, which was when Alice was forced to take care of him. With Alice working, they might be able to afford to get out of this miserable city. It took two years and a lot of saving but they were finally able to have enough money to leave the miserable city. They knew a way out, since so many people were working hard enough to leave the city. Her parents bought the tickets and came home early that night, while she stayed at the factory. Her parents arrived home to see that their son had been beaten up for not telling where his parents were. His mom rushed to his side while he laid on the floor half beaten to death. Next to her son were two men who seemed to find laughter in beating up a nine year old kid. The guy who was laughing the most had blood all over his hand. The father rushed towards the guy and attempted to punch him, but the guy simply stabbed him in both arms. The guy grabbed the father’s head as if he were about to break it, but instead he made the father look to their bedroom as a man wearing a white tuxedo walked through the bedroom door.4
The man in the white tuxedo looked at the father sternly, but then laughed at his efforts to hurt one of his men. He looked the father straight in the eyes while the mother held her dying little boy and said “You dare leave my city and disrespect my city? The balls of some people now a days. Do you know how hard I worked to build this empire? DO YOU KNOW HOW GOD DAMN LONG IT TOOK? Do you think that I would let some poor trash like you leave and find a way out of MY CITY I OWN YOU AND I OWN EVERYTHING THING IN THIS GOD FORSAKEN TOWN ” As this was happening young Alice was walking closer to the door with a skip in her step and happiness that should couldn’t remember. But as she walked closer, she heard screaming coming from her apartment, so she walked closer very slowly so that she wouldn’t be heard. Quietly and quickly, she looked into the door of her apartment which was open and with tears in her eys saw her dying brother along with her crying mother. Then she looked towards her father whose head was being held tightly by a guy that she didn’t know. The man in the white tuxedo turned around and waved his hand slightly and with that she heard a loud crack as her father fell to the ground with his head facing the opposite direction. She rushed into the room and ran to her father but was grabbed by the man in the white tuxedo, “Who is this pretty little thing that has pondered into my business?” She tried to move away from him, but he held her firmly and threw her into the bedroom. He looked at her sternly in the eyes and told her, “You stay down you little bitch, I’m doing you a favor since I think you’re a nice little number. I’ll be quite rough, but don’t worry I won’t break in your vagina yet...maybe I’ll save that for another day. How bout you just blow it good That’s how I like it and don’t you dare bite it or else I will kill the rest of your family ” He began to take off her pants and said, “I like to bleed a little when someone blows me, so he forced a kiss upon her and made her bit on his lip hard. He then smiled sadisticly and said, “I like it when you swallow ”5
A loud gun shot was heard as he pushes her off him and pulls up his pants while looking at Alice with disgust in his eyes. She began to cry uncontrollably and crunch up into the fetal position. He walks out the bedroom door with his boxers on and sees that Alice’s mother had been shot a few times. He looks angrily at his flunkies, but one of them says to him, “Sorry, she tried to enter the room so that she could kill you, we had to kill her, Harry.” Harry looked at the little boy and asked “Is he dead?” The guys nodded their head in approval. Harry grabbed one of the guys by the collar and said, “Dispose of the girl after you see me get in the car. You god damed buffoons ruined my mood.” Harry while checking to make sure that his white tuxedo looked good, walked out the door of the apartment and began laughing all the way down the hall. One of the guys entered the bedroom and kicked the little girl. He pointed the gun at her and knelt down to press it against her head, while the other guy watched through a window to see when their boss was in his car. The guy looking through the window saw their boss get in the car, so he turned around but as he did, a man appeared at the door who said, “I am the prophet. Do you wish to join me?” The guy looked at him and laughed loudly, “Fuck no ” The guy pulled out his gun, but the prophet simply grabbed the gun from him and put it in his mouth. He then pushed the man out the door as a loud gunshot was heard outside the apartment. The guy from within the bedroom moved away from the girl and was about to walk outside the bedroom, but instead ended up flying out a nearby window. Alice hadn’t moved a muscle as the prophet walked up to her and touched her lovely on the arm, but she shuttered and moved to the corner of the room. He walked over to her and asked her in a gentle voice, “Do you wish for the power to crush those who wish to talk all happiness from you? If so I can give you the power to do more than crush your enemies.”6
Alice in her leather outfit walked across the dead corpse of her tormentor, Harry Bugle the leader of the Hell Cities Mafia, She looked down at his boxer’s that were covered in blooded and looked at the window where she threw out his small package. She felt so much pleasure from hearing his cries of agony as she bit it off through his boxers and spit it out. He screamed and acted like a chicken with head cut off. She broke both of his arms and then grabbed him by the collar and twisted his nose until it broke. She looked at him straight in the eyes while grabbing his arm and breaking his fingers, “You fat son of a bitch...you took everything I had away from me. You took my parents My brother and my chance for a new life No death could be good enough for you Remember the face of the girl from way back then SO YOU CAN WHO SENT YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL...you slimy bastard YOU FUCKED WITH THE WRONG BITCH YOU’VE FUCKED ANYTHING FOR THE LAST TIME ” She looked him in the eyes and said “That’s right...I’m making sure you can’t have children ever ” His eyes widened as she grabbed his scrotum and began to tug and pull on it. His eyes became wide as he screamed in pain, but then she stopped and smiled, “Why should I give you the satisfaction of having a woman rip it off ” She walked away to his desk and from a distance shot him in the scrotum. She looked at him with a red in her eyes that called for blood and said, “How do you like your vagina, fucker. And by the way, I killed all the guards on this level by cutting of their limbs while I had sex with their corpses.” Harry Bugle couldn’t stop screaming as he grabbed on to what little remained of his genitals. Suddenly, the sound of feet were echoing through the hallway and Harry had a sadistic hatefully insane smile on his face while he coughed and wheezed. But she only looked at him and said, “I’m no longer human.” With that, she walked over to him and extended her nails. She then dug into the spot where his gentials were and said with a sadistic smile, “Oops, I’m sorry...did I break in your vagina.”7
His thugs who were dressed in black tuxedos rushed into the room, but they only saw their boss on top of a small table without any legs. He began to look as if he were about to die, so they walked closer in an attempt to help him. All of a sudden tiny knives came from out of the bottom of the table cutting off most of the men’s feet. And then like a jack in the box, she appeared from under the table and as fast as lightening she ran up to the men who were still standing and broke their necks or slit their throats while licking them with her extended tongue. She noticed the men on the ground and stepped on everyone of their crouches and then picked up the half dead Harry Bugle. She dragged him down 30 flights of stairs, but once she got to the door, she knew that they’d be waiting for her in the lobby. So, she threw him out of the door first and they all shot at him, which made him look like Swiss cheese. Suddenly Alice appeared above one of them with her nails extended, She jumped down grabbing his face and kissed him while digging her nails through his face. She turned around with his blood splatted her face and used him as a human shield while the other men fired at her. During the gunfire, she threw a bag of filled with white dust on the ground, which made it impossible to see anyone. Alice slowly killed each of them in her most sexual of ways to make sure that they truly got some sick pleasure from their agonizing deaths. As the smoked cleared, The floor was covered with blood.8
She walked out of the building with blood all over her body and a smile of satisfaction upon her face. Then she looked at the prophet who was outside the door of the office building. As she walked towards him she mumbled, “The world is my oyster and I shall break it open for all its worth. Let every man that dare even looks at me feel my pleasure along with my tremendous suffering, for I am the black widow.”9
Author notes
Further info on this story: The character known as the prophet is seen in the third story and may be seen in a few more upcoming stories. He is a central character of any story that comes from the story that I'm writing, even if he isn't actually in the story. Well I hope you enjoyed the story...please give me your honest critique on what you think I could of done. If you have any questions that IM me or leave a question on my author page
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
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wow thank you for all that you've written to help me...I'll keep this in my for some of my next works...and I will eventually read some of yours
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Honestly, I think the imagery is brilliant.
Thank's for asking
I think the story needs some editing to smooth out some rough spots. Also I feel you add many words that aren't necesary.
I'll be happy to share some examples with you in a moment.
You have a great strength for description, but in this instance, I personaly felt inundated with the gore finding it distracting from the very interesting story that is emerging. Or at least that was the effect on me.
Pay attention to run on sentences. A good rule of thumb is one statement, one sentence. If you find a line that runs on and on and on, see where and how you can cut it into two or three stand alone lines. Also consider where to insert paragraph breaks. Its similar to the rule of sentences. A paragraph is a block of statements that delineate one concept or thought from another. A good use of paragraphs is to mark say the narrators thoughts from the various character dialogue.
As writers, its up to us to lead the reader to places they may never have wandered on their own. This story is a prime example of such a goal. Kudo's.
Here is an AP writer's story that I greatly admire, and think you will too very dark and shocking! Also very well written.
check it out Edna Sweetlove's Story allpoetry.com/Story/1509364
You know when you are completely absorbed by a story you barely register the words on the page, you just 'see' the scene as it unfolds? Next time you come across that, pay attention, re-read the authors words, see what kind of visual cues they use that work so well. Think of Hansel and Gretal leaving crumbs through the forest in hopes of finding their way. Think of the process of fore shadowing, where you can spill a little bit at a time, building suspense rather than throwing it all down at once.
I'd suggest not spending too much time filling out the scene at first. A bare bones approach will allow the reader to engage with their own imagination, and if you wish to embellish, its a lot more fun to add to a piece than to cut out and delete.
I'm going to re-write just a bit of what you have here using the techniques I just mentioned regarding sentence and paragraph structure, and using less (words)for more effect. I hope you get something out of it, but if not, don't worry I won't be offended. You are always the best authority of your own work.
I picked this block of text to retool
It was hard to believe that he was the leader of the Hell Cities’ Mafia, since he looked so old and had become so perverted that he began to touch a girl who was only 17 years old. As his head rolled back with joy from the girl’s pleasureful biting on his leg, but unknown to him she left huge bruise marks on his leg. She began to slowly touch his body as she kissed him on the lips which she began to bite down on very hard...he began to bleed from his lips, but for some reason the pleasure was too much for him and he let her bite as hard as she wanted, but she only bit him enough to make him bleed some what.
My edits are bolded below.
It was hard to believe that he was the leader of the Hell Cities’ Mafia. He looked like an old degenerite as he reached out to touch the tender skin of a girl, only seventeen.
As his head rolled back with joy from the girl’s pleasureful biting on his leg,he was oblivious to the huge bruises she left in her wake. She began to slowly touch his body as she kissed him on the lips. She bit down on his lip very hard. The pleasure was too much for him and he let her bite as hard as she wanted.
She only bit him enough to make him bleed, just a little bit.
I'm sure you can make this story come alive with a little trimming. I'll be back for more stories! I'm very intrigued by your goal of writing so many stories per day. very inspiring!
Edited on Sep 15, 9:58 p.m. because ''. -
I liked your last comment so I'd like your honest opinion of this
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Not sure.
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Wow- how can such a story come from such a nice person!?!? wow-this was gruesome and sick, but still good- Very shocking to see it come from you I must say- but it was well written. Some how I liked it.- The girl's character was unique and I liked the background story that supported her personality and actions.
Maybe add some paragraph breaks to make the story make more sense... Beautiful last line- I loved it! Good job Sebass!
