Life is Cheep!

Life is cheep!1

2

‘Did that girl in that eighties iconic poster, ever wear any knickers when playing tennis? And if she did, did it affect her game for the better or worse?’3

I often found myself pondering strange and irreverent questions like this, while I sat bored and alone in my little hut, as I watched my charges walk around the exercise yard of G wing. 4

Around and around they walked. Some walked alone and grateful to be outside to stretch their legs and be away from the confines of a 10 x 8 cell shared with another, glad to alone. Others, in groups, chatted in low voices and shared cigarettes as they passed news along the grapevine. All were hunched into their donkey jackets, hands rammed into pockets out of the cold. 5

The yard was an open space of tarmac between G and H wings. These wings with their small barred windows and urine stained high walls formed the boundaries for this privilege.6

In my little hut that gave small comfort from the elements, I had an alarm bell button attached to the wall and a personal radio that chattered away informing me of the day to day running of the prison.7

This was a shit task that few volunteered for at this time of year, but come a spot of nice weather you had to draw lots to get out here.8

I was bored, nothing happening just a load of losers walking away the years. On the walls of the hut were written all sorts of bit of information, from who was shagging who or piss taking jibes and pot shots at the management. There was even the odd shithouse rhyme:9

‘There once was a lady from the Azores
Whose fanny was so covered in sores!
Even the dogs in the street
Wouldn’t eat the green meat
That hung down in festoons, from her drawers!’ 10

Well it broke the monotony for a while.11

The sun was just trying to break into the yard from over the top of H wing but down at ground level it was bloody freezing. Even so, it did not stop the ever present smell of stale urine wafting into the hut as Bandy Edwards opened the door with a steaming mug of tea in his hand for me.12

“Ere, yer are Flakey lad.” Bandy thrust the mug at me, sloshing a bit of tea over the lip. I was called Flakey because my key tally number was 99. Yes you got it just like the ice cream. “I put two sugars in it for yer. Need it this morning. It’s bloody freezing out here man, but still it’s plenty good enough for the likes of them,” he said as he indicated to the prisoners on the yard.13

“Cheers Bandy,” I said as I took hold of the cup and warmed my hands on it. “Only problem now is I’ll need to take a piss later. What with the cold, this tea will go straight through me.”14

“No worries lad. Just take a slash up the side of the hut. No bugger will be able to tell the difference, not around here with that sweet aroma masking everything else.” He chuckled.15

Bandy stayed and we shot the shit while I drank my tea. The prisoners walked their sentence off as we chatted not taking much notice of them.16

Bandy was in mid flow talking about the up coming union meeting, when he stopped and became instantly alert. I quickly followed his gaze onto the yard. 17

The walking had stopped.18

On the yard the prisoners had gathered and were looking at something on the ground.19

Without a word I put my mug down. Both of us made our way out of the small hut and across the yard to the gathering. I had one hand on my radio transmit button and the other was feeling for my stick. Bandy waddled at my side on his short bow legs.20

When we approached the prisoners parted to allow us through. 21

In the middle of the gathering was a man picking up the corpse of a decapitated budgie, he wrapped it up in his dirty off white hankie.22

Light bulb Jackson a particularly nasty underworld thug and murder was showing an uncharacteristic tender side.23

“Jackson! What‘s going on here? Where did that come from?”24

Jackson just looked up at me and said nothing as he started to rise.25

“Jackson. I asked you where did that come from?”26

“It flew out the window and landed at my feet Boss.”27

“What! With no, fucking head?”28

“Well I suppose you could say he was off his head Sir.” With this, the gathered prisoners started to scoff.29

“Can I take it and bury it in the flower bed by the Chapel Sir.” 30

Bandy; his years of experience in the job coming to the fore; broke in.31

“I don’t see a problem with that lad. Is it yours then, that little bundle of feathers?”32

“Aye, Sir. Happen it was and reet fond of Horatio I was, Sir.”33

“Right then, Jacko. Let’s get the yard moving and I’ll take yer to the Chapel garden. Come on lads, let’s see yer shake leg. Show’s over. Come on, Jacko.”34

And with that the prisoners went back to shuffling around the yard.35

I went back to hut and took my seat. I was much less relaxed for the rest of the exercise period. What had happened was odd. We Prison Officers don’t like odd, it arouses our suspicions. Sometimes we put two and two together and come up with four as a result, but most times we make five. I could not get this to add up, so I reported it and let the others make of it what they would. The yard finished without further incident. Jackson buried his bird and we Officers were left still wondering.36

Prisoners are a funny bunch of characters, from all sorts of backgrounds and have committed all sorts of crime. Prison throws them all together into one big melting pot and expects them to get along just fine, with a little bit of guidance from the staff. In reality the staff; are just there to pick up the pieces and to referee between the prisoners. In prison I have noticed that you can tell a fellow prisoner that you have shagged his wife or his mother and you can still be best of friends but don’t offend against his kids or touch his budgie.37

Whoever had killed Jacko’s budgie was throwing down a challenge one that could not be backed out of. 38

What the authorities found out when they went asking questions was a wall of silence. Even the paid snitches could shed little light on the fact that Jacko’s budgie Horatio had been killed and its headless body thrown out onto the yard at Jacko’s feet. 39

Jacko was somebody in HMP Leystone. He ran the phone card scams, he taxed those that wanted or needed protection. Nothing of any consequence happened without Jacko’s say so or approval. Without anybody talking there was nothing the authorities could do but watch and wait.40

Watch and wait was what we did. The watching and waiting got tedious and after about ten days everything sort of slipped back into routine. Prisoner’s playing cards on the landings, the yard traipsing around; in fact it was boring.41

It was six weeks later while I was on evening duty. I was on G wing on the two’s landing working with Bumpy Goosard. Bumpy was known as a bit of a lazy sod. He had a number of years in the job, but he never really did anything except make up the numbers. He must have been able to do the job because he spent so much time thinking up ways in which he could avoid doing it! 42

It was the two’s landing’s turn for showers tonight. Each of the landings took it turns for showers, which where located on the two’s.43

The queue varied in length throughout the evening. Bare chested men stood in line, towels over their shoulders, making idle chit chat and occasionally cajoling those already in the showers to hurry up and stop washing their boy friends back. It was a fairly typical duty for an evening; really. The cons on the other landings were playing card or board games or reading, nothing out of the ordinary. Even Bumpy was managing to stay on the landing and not sneak off.44

I was standing at the shower entrance on Willy watch as we called it, controlling the shower queue. There was only Light Bulb Jackson in the shower at this time. It was an unwritten rule on the wing amongst the prisoners that Jacko showered alone and nobody dared to break that rule for fear of punishment.45

917 Otterburn was talking to me about motorbikes. He and I shared the same passion for bikes, only I was able to ride mine as often as I wanted; he had another two and half years to wait to get back on his Kwaka z1300. I gave him my old Motor Cycle News each week when I finished with it. We were chatting about the new Ducati 916 that was getting rave reviews in the press and on the track.46

“Oi, Flakey! Telephone, mate.” Bumpy had stuck his head out of the landing office, a Mars bar filling his gob as he mangled his words around it.47

I told Otterburn I’d catch up another time and finish of our discussion.48

As I entered the office Bumpy said49

“Your missus was on the blower just now; something wrong with her car. Can you ring her back on her mobile?”50

“Yeah, sure! I bet she’s flooded it again or even worse she’s filled it up with petrol instead of diesel! Go and watch the showers mate will you, while I sort her out. Jacko’s in there so there won’t be much to do.”51

“Ok. In a minute! It’ll be Ok. Nobody is going to mess with Jacko! Are they? Let me finish me Mars bar and my coffee will yeah.”52

I rolled my eyes at Bumpy. He really was a lazy sod I don’t know how he stayed in the job. He was always being reprimanded for his tardiness. I suppose we were all at fault for letting slip by for the joke that he was!53

I dialled out and waited for the ringing tone. I bet Gail had done something stupid like locked herself out of the car and left the keys inside.
“Hello love….. Yeah I’m sorry. What’s wrong…….. Oh, ok, I see. Have you got the other drivers det….’54

The radio burst into life:55

“PERSONAL ALARM: G WING TWO’S. I REPEAT PERSONAL ALARM, G WING TWO’S.56

“Shit Gail I gotta go. You sort it out!” I slammed the phone down and shot out of the office slamming the door closed behind me.57

Out on the landing I could see other officers responding.58

“The showers!” Sick Note Bailiss barked at me from the opposite side of the landing, as he was running.59

I got to the showers, to see Bumpy on the floor leaning over a naked body. There was blood, a lot of blood mixed with the shower water. Rivulets of dark red blood flowed into the drain. Bumpy was pale faced and panicking, shouting for help, for someone to stop the blood and for the medic. Sparkles Diamond was there helping Bumpy. He must have got there quick I didn’t see him on the landing.60

As I got closer to offer my help I could see Jackson’s distinctive oriental tattoo on his shoulder, it was smudged with blood, but definitely Jackson’s.61

The duty medic arrived with his small bag of equipment.62

I turned to him and said,63

“You’re going to need a bigger bag!” He looked at me and then at the situation, and back at me again; he just grinned and shrugged his shoulders and got on down to work.64

I was called away.65

“All those not hands on get back on the landing and lock away those bloody prisoners. Be on the look out for anybody with injuries or blood on them, as you lock up.” PO Doughty was an unflappable man which was precisely why he was a PO.66

All prisoners locked up and accounted for, we waited for what was to happen next. 67

Staff were quickly detailed, to take Jackson out to hospital, on escort. 68

The ambulance arrived and was escorted to the wing. The crew came up onto the landing and were met by the prison medic who told them it was too late. Jackson was dead.69

I exhaled forcefully letting out the words, Oh shit! My hands went up to my head and held it. I could see I was going to be in a whole lot of crap, explaining how this happened when I was supposed to be on watch. Fuck, how am I going explain this!70

The next couple of days were as uncomfortable for both the inmates and the staff at, HMP Leystone. 71

The wing and the whole of the prison were put on Lock down. Prisoners only came out of their cells to Slop out and be fed. Other than that it was Bang up. Some prisoner complained bitterly it was an abuse of their Human Rights; others just got their heads down and slept it away.72

One of the first things to come out of the initial investigation was that not one prisoner could be identified to have been in the area at the time Jackson was left by me on his own in the shower to when he was found by Bumpy.73

None of the prisoners could shed any light on any contracts that had been taken out on Jacko, nor could any evidence of a power struggle could be found.74

It was all a dead end, except for me. I was the last one to see Jacko alive. I was now a suspect.75

I sat in interview after interview with the police, the prison service and my union representatives. My personal details where gone through with a fine toothed comb, my finances where laid bare, my private life. Everything now belonged to the investigators. Nothing was private anymore.76

Nobody seemed to believe my side of the event. They made me feel guilty; when I was not. The police seemed to feel that I was hiding something? Just what! I didn’t know. Why wasn’t anybody listening to me?77

” I’m not guilty!”78

The police, continued to asked if I was under pressure to smuggle anything into the prison for Jackson. Had he made any threats towards me or my family? They even said they could sympathise with me if I had snapped from being under pressure and had killed Jackson. They would cut a deal with me and go for diminished responsibility, due to the threats. I simply answered no to everything. 79

“I am innocent won’t you all listen?”80

It made no difference. I was routinely suspended from work, pending investigation. My friends and colleagues all seemed to melt away. Being suspended was putting more stress on me and the family than being on duty. At least I could keep up with what was happening, instead of being a mushroom and being kept in the dark. Sparkles Diamond was about the only one who would come around and see how I was doing. He offered me money to help the family out in the mean time. He was a good friend and support to have.81

It seemed the more I protested my innocence the blacker, I painted myself. I must admit I was thinking of doing the ultimate. Until a letter arrived on the Governors desk that changed every thing and thank fuck it did.82

Sparkles Diamond had gone on leave about three weeks after Jackson had been murdered. Sparkle who’s real name was Edwin, had joined HMP Leystone from another prison HMP Whittle Hall. He had joined that establishment after he had left the army, the Royal Anglicans regiment, to be precise. He had been with us for some eighteen months now and was a popular member of staff who it was said had a fairly comprehensive dislike for prisoners. That was all prisoners equally. However he was still able to carry out his duties without too much prejudice. He was a ‘Give them fuck all and plenty of it’ type of guy who could back it up. He was a well built fellow, a bit of a gym monster, a single guy, who was hit with the ladies and never short of a bob or two. 83

The letter that the Governor received was from Sparkle to say he was not coming back for duty as he was out of the country and would not be returning.84

He then set out his reasoning for this decision.85

He admitted he had murdered Light Bulb Jackson in reprisal for the death of his elder brother Jake several years before in Scunthorpe, Jackson’s home town.
His parents were dead and he had inherited their estate which he had sold off and so he now had plenty of money to live abroad.
He did not trust the British legal system; having worked at the sharp end and saw that it did not work. This was another reason he dispensed his own justice to Jackson.
He was sorry for the suffering caused to Officer Peter Cartwright and his family; while he kept quiet and made good his get away. He offered sincere apologies to Flakey and his family. He never wanted to blacken the reputation of Flakey and his Family.
He went to state that he had killed Jacko’s budgie as well. 86

‘Nice touch I thought, got you all thinking didn’t I?’87

After some more investigation, all that was revealed in the letter from Sparkle was found to be true.88

It all came out as follows in the official Prison report on the death of HF2387 Dennis Jackson.89

Sparkle had covered his tracks well. He had slipped into the shower unseen because he was a Prison Officer and didn’t arouse suspicion. He was able to slit Jackson’s throat, then slip out before Bumpy came along and found Jackson. Sparkle was able to give Bumpy a hand and so got more blood over himself covering up that which he already got on himself from slitting the throat. The blade he kept hidden on himself and took it out of the Prison and disposed of it. The Prison was all too involved in looking for a prisoner as the perpetrator. 90

I could not help but be angry at all I had been put through by Sparkle, the police and my own bosses. It was a wonder that I was still sane, let alone alive. I took my time making the decision to come back to work. I milked the system for all it was worth after all, they had put me through he mill pretty much. They could squirm and manoeuvre to meet me now!91

I did some research of my own while I was off into Light Bulb Jackson and the death of one Gavin Diamond in Scunthorpe.92

Gavin Diamond was tortured to death. He had been found with a broken light bulb in his mouth. Death was by electrocution. A trade mark execution of Dennis Jackson.93

Jackson was reputed to tie his victim’s hands behind their backs and then secure them to a chair. He would then force a light bulb connected to the mains via a flex and a switch. The bulb secured in the mouth of the victim, Jackson would take great delight in switching the bulb on for a length of time allowing it to heat up in the mouth of the victim. The victim either talked very quickly or passed out through the pain of the torture. Either way the end was the same. Jackson would leave the bulb switched on and then batter the victim with a cricket bat until the bulb smashed and electrocuted the unfortunate victim.94

It has to be said that Gavin Diamond was no angel. He was a bag head with a habit that was expensive to fund. This led him to doing jobs for Jackson, but he got caught skimming and paid the price for that.95

Dennis Jackson was convicted of killing two rival gang members, but cleared of killing Gavin Diamond due to not enough evidence. Witness statements had been withdrawn and the remaining witnesses were not of a reliable character to testify.96

The Diamond family were appalled at the result of the trial and vowed to uphold justice at what ever price it took.97

While the trial was being held Edwin Diamond was serving in the army in Germany and was kept informed by the family at home. He carried on in the army and was decorated for his bravery under fire as he helped some of his wounded colleagues to safety in an IRA ambush in Northern Ireland.98

He left the army and joined the prison service with the dedicated intention of tracking down Jackson and murdering him.99

This was how he became posted at Leystone. Once here he bided his time and came up with a plan, all he needed was the right opportunity and the right timing.100

A failure in prison service security checks failed to pick up the information Sparkle had conveniently omitted to reveal in his application. But there was no real reason to go looking for something like that when they had such good references from the Army.101

The more I found out about Sparkle and his family the more I found myself forgiving him and all he put me and my family through. 102

Each Christmas now, we receive a hamper from Fortnum & Mason’s in Piccadilly London. The card that comes with it is anonymous. It just says:103

To put a little sparkle in you’re life at this time of year.104

All the police where able to find out was that it is a perpetual order, prepaid in advance for twenty five years.105

Thank you Sparkle, where ever you might be.106

Cheers