She stared at his near lifeless body passed out on her couch. She pressed the barrel into his head. She cocked the gun. She took a deep sigh, and threw the gun behind her. The miniature explosion was just the bullet breaking through the wall, and not her head- like she had wished. The effect worked though, he flew off the couch in a dazed and stunned panic.1
He looked at her,"What the hell...?"2
She was so calm, "Exactly, what are you doing here?" She lit her cigarette, to let on she was actually waiting for a response.3
"You smoke now?"4
"Good job, Einstein."5
They sat, stared at each other in a wondering silence. Minute came after minute, the unpeaceful quiet didn't even let them fidget. Sometimes she would take a drag off that cigarette; he made the mistake to reach for her cigarette. She put it out on his hand.6
He had barely flinched. He looked down. "I never forgot what I told you." 7
He received a stare that would have burned through his head if she was a cigarette. "What are you trying to explain? I haven't forgot, I almost blocked it out, but look at you here; why? Oh wait, I already asked you that, and no answer- I don't even ask for the truth, and you can't come up with shit."8
She stood up. "I have to go to work. Here is some money, it can be for the bus ride out of here, or dinner if you stay tonight. I'll be expecting some fried chicken when I come home."9
Her heels tapped out through the front door. Her shadow grew tall, before the door shut, and blackness engulfed the tall and lanky figure. He smiled, and went to find some alcohol for a new burn.10
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He found a tube of Neosporian in the medicine cabinet, growing bitter fast for the burn.12
"Damn bitch." he whimpered, "She's fucking insane. Why did I come here again? I'm surprised she hasn't killed me yet. Of course there's no damn Tylenol, but I bet she has her choice medication in her liquor cabinet. Stupid whore, then again, I'm the one who came here."13
He started getting a headache, and he laid in her bed. Inhaling deeply, he started to breathe her in again. He smelled her fragrance all in her bed. He wrapped himself in all of her sheets and blankets; she was always so cold. He was with memories while drifting to sleep, not able to notice the clock by her bed, it said it was four in the morning.14
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Author notes
Honestly I don't know where to go from here, advice whatever would be adored
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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This is realy good.Keep this up.You have real potential.
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thank you for the comment on this. i keep working on this. this was the opening chapter and it still needs a lot of tweaking but the rest of the story is going to build up and be flashbacks, for the background of the story.
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This what I cam with while reading.. Afterwards.. Good luck.. I would like to see more background from these characters..
She had a bad habit of being a realist, of taking apart things she didn't understand until they were small enough to comprehend and build upon. That was the way that her mind worked. Sometimes she seemed cold to people. She couldn't help that exactly.It was just a part of who she was.
It escapes me in a gasp, courtesies I barely remember, but know are correct. Perhaps not, however: he looks surprised. I don't know what I've done wrong, though it must be something to do with what I've said.
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mm, sweet definatley finish the story, but first refine this a bit. their dialogue is a little unclear but overall, kickass chapter
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GOOD
IT HAS POTENTIAL.YOU MIGHT WANT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE NEAR LIFELESS BODY THING THOUGH.THEY CAN'T MOVE THAT FAST.YOU SHOULD CONTINUE THIS AND YOU SHOULD END UP WITH A GREAT SHORTSTORY. -
great job
Personally, I really enjoyed reading this piece.. it has great potential so, keep going. I really liked the literary and descriptive terms used in the story, Great Job.
-stephen -
is good
I like dis one.
Maybe, by switching genders, people will step back and say:
"Is it?"
No, I doubt I'm anywhere close to understanding it.
So, have a jolly time, you! -
sexay
hey. ive read this. i rock so hard.
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