Perkins drove through the olive-tinted desert, his unkempt hair and beard flapping crazily around him in the hot air stream. Making out a narrow mesa on the horizon, he steered the jeep toward the rocky outcropping. The scorched-leather of his face cracked into a wry smile as the mesa resolved into the ruined remnants of the upper storeys of some sand-swept structure. Perkins rasped a dry tongue over his blistered lip in silent anticipation of the pickings awaiting him within the building.1
Swerving the jeep in a spray of the dark greenish sand-dust he drew to a stop alongside a row of half-buried, shattered windows. Ducking down, he scrambled into the building, dragging an empty sack behind him and quickly ascertained he was in what had once been a hotel room. Half-crawling, half-running over the sands, he made his way to the open doorway and into the corridor beyond. 2
Waiting for his eyes to adjust to the only occasionally broken gloom, Perkins made his way to the stairs and breathlessly climbed two flights before beginning to explore that floor’s corridor. Kicking in a door he shielded his eyes from the piercing intensity of the reflected desert sun outside. He tore open the cupboards and inert mini-bar in search of anything he could use, Perkins stashed bottles and snacks into his sack. He opened a plastic water bottle and poured the contents into his parched mouth. Then he ripped open a chocolate bar and bit off a mouthful, beginning to chew hungrily. But then he doubled over in agony and spat out the chocolate, coughing and retching and spitting out blood and black phlegm. Scowling, he threw the remnants of the chocolate bar aside and glanced down at his watch. It had stopped working. He ripped it off and tossed it alongside the half-chewed snack. Swilling his mouth out with water from the bottle he spat out the residue from his teeth.3
Perkins slumped down on the bed and groaned. So, it had begun. They called it the walking ghost phase. You seem fit and healthy, but then, the symptoms return. Next would come the diarrhea and bleeding, then delirium, hallucinations, coma and...4
He’d seen it so many times in others. Idly he leafed through the brochures and leaflets on the bedside table. He cocked an eyebrow at “Ocean View” peering out the window at the endless dunes. Gingerly, he sipped a little more water.5
Perkins lay down on the bed and closed his eyes. Even though he did not seem to sleep, he dreamt. He dreamt of a time before the war. Not so long ago, just a couple of months. He dreamt of a visit to the dentist, and how the dentist had started to treat a minor problem with his teeth. He dreamt of the drill boring into one of his teeth, but that it had erupted with yellow pus. The dentist struggling to conceal his surprise treated the infection and proceeded with the treatment, only to find another infected area. His concern growing, the dentist applied more antiseptic before drilling into more of the disease riddled jaw and finally realising that the whole of the inside of his head was filled with infectious pus.6
Perkins woke. Feeling groggy and disorientated he drank down the rest of the water and staggered out of the room, his sack of loot left lying on the floor. Descending just one flight of stairs this time, he broke into another room and opened the window. The hot, steady wind rushed in with a billow of the dark green sands. Leaning out the window, he saw the sands some two metres or so below. He clambered out the window and lowered himself most of the way before dropping down to the sand. He fell over and rolled a short way before coming to a stop. Scrambling to his feet he regained his bearings and trudged off to the jeep.7
Grasping the rear of the vehicle, he pulled back a canvas cover to reveal his previous lootings. Tossing aside flasks, boxes, crates, and bags stuffed with clothes he eventually pulled out the loose pages he’d torn from a medical handbook he’d taken from the dying fingers of a hospital porter a few days before. Running his dusty index finger over the well-worn pages under the heading "Radiation Sickness" Perkins confirmed his prognosis. In less than twenty four hours he would lose consciousness for the last time. Before sunset tomorrow the human race would at last know peace.
A contest entry
- Post-Apocalyptia and Zombies Contest by Kaiser Metalhead.
250 points, ended October 5, 2009, 11 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - When the world comes down by Lightning Girl.
115 points, ended March 1, 14 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
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It's a bit strange but I liked it. Really good writing and not to long.
It makes sense too. If there was something you wanted to add to it maybe you could explain a little bit about what was happening.
just an idea.
Thanks for the entry.
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Gruesome Epic
You really set the mood in this piece. It's like watching an accident, you can't look away even though you know you don't want to see what's going to happen. Vivid descriptions, great pace and flow as Perkins takes up his march to eternity. Excellent story, thanks for a great read.
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I agree with Marta, that when I began reading this..I was lost, I didn't even know who Perkins was. Nor do I know about this 'war'. You could add another installment that takes place beforehand.
Story has a good concept, so if reworked you will have a gold winning piece in front of you.
One sentence bothered me;
In paragraph 3, " Kicking in a door he shielded his eyes from the piercing intensity of the reflected desert sun outside."
To be honest, I don't know what the problem is but you could rephrase it to: 'After kicking in a door, he shielded his eyes from the piercing intensity of the reflecting desert sun.'
Or, you could just simply place a comma between 'door' and 'he'.
Don't worry, everybody makes mistakes.
I can't wait to read more of this. Good luck! and thanks for entering.
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I'm gonna come give this a proper comment tomorrow =] haven't time to be constructive just at this second, but I will do! If not tomorrow, definitely the next day! Sorry, I just picked a bad moment for reading, it turns out, but I will read it! Thanks!
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well done!
excellent story, though it could do with some tweaking, brilliant read. -
I do feel as if I have just walked in to the ending of a story and don't know what happened in the beginning nor middle.
I like the story and it could use some work, reading it was like trying to run up a slippery slope--you just keep heading down towards the end.
It leaves the reader with so many unanswered questions.
Who? What? When? Why? and How? did this all come to be?
The characters behaviour is inconsistent with what he is experiencing?
e.g. idly he read through the brochures left...etc.
If my character was coming to the end of his life and dying from radiation poisoning, I doubt he would be so nonchalant about the whole thing, even if he had given up.
Was he the last man on earth or the last one that is dying and there are others who are still alive?
Questions and more questions....reworked this could be a very good story.
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 5.
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Good observations. Thank you for your perceptive insights.
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well done. a good story, even if i was just skimming
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Really intense right from the beginning. I however would love for you to expand on how he got where he is and what happens the next day. I think it's a really great start to a fantastic story if you choose. Great job.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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You really want that final day? Did you read the symptom list for radiation poisoning? At the end of the story as it stands, he's already given up - as symbolised by leaving his sack behind.
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Yeah i guess your right. It's your story and better to leave well enough alone. Haha. Still a great write.
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WE NEED A BIT MORE FOR A THIRD CLAPPY!
Let me begin with some trivia before I get to what I feel is the most important part of my comment...and the major fault (in MY opinion) of the piece...which, incidentally, is very well and intelligently, thoughtfully, written.
The minor stuff: P3..."INERT?" mini-bar. I think this is not the exact word you wanted. Perhaps RIGID...FIXED...SECURED. But not inert. (I never saw an animated or organic mini-bar! lol!)
The reaction to the chocolate bar was effective...but it gives, I thought, too much pause to the reader, thinking perhaps the chocolate itself was rotten or contaminated.
I can appreciate what you are trying to do...but I generally don't like to purposely mislead the reader this way. And I also thought...I don't really know...if perhaps this was still TOO strong a reaction, even given his sickness.
Also P3...I would no longer characterize the chocolate as "SNACK." Not after the reaction described. Perhaps you could enply a more revealing descriptive adjective...or use a different noun to reveal what was happening (what HAD happened.) But "snack" softens and trivializes...and even confuses.
P5...Similarly the word "gingerly" seems out of place. It's a "tippy-toe" cutesy type word, ill suited to this horrific scene. I would go more for words like CAREFULLY...or CAUTIOUSLY.
P6..."the WHOLE inside of his head." The inside or just inside his head...would seem sufficient.Or how about "his ENTIRE sinus cavity...or the epithilial tissue inside his mouth...but "whole" head seems a little awkward.
Now...the important part: The writing is too good to kiss this off in so brief and bare-bones a piece. I can appreciate brevity...BUT...to REALLY make this effective, we NEED to know a little more about the CHARACTER of your major character. He NEEDS to have a conflict. We can ASSUME one (treasure hunter/looter in the face of armegedon, etc.) but I think you can be generous and can afford to give us a little background here. You must make the reader CARE when the end swiftly approaches and threatens assuredly to do in Perkins. Because as it stands now...it is merely a SKETCH! What will fill it in and make it a STORY is conflict...and character. AND...THEME! What are we trying to say? What is the moral of this story? Atomic war is not good? One can loot from a nuked landscape? You know? IT's got to be a bit more complex. And this can be achieved simply by your SPELLING out for us what YOU ALREADY must know and feel. I liked it...as far as it went...but I do think YOU rushed this and are taking the easy way out!
Best,
GA
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It's comments like this that remind me why I ask for your opinion on my stories. Your comments are fantastically astute and relevant, highlighting my own uneasiness in more than one place and adding fresh perspective in others. Fantastic job, so much appreciated. You even caught me in the act of rushing this one.
Thank you so much.
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Excellent descriptions. You had me hooked from 'olive-tinted desert', adds a bit of an alien feel. I'm thinking that you're suggesting nuclear war here...
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Oh yeah - the test sites of nuclear weapons are renowned for having dark green, fused glassy sands.
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wow. that was really somethin. you had my attention the whole time...even tho i was scratching my head to begin with
loved this
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Your descripts were really good and the feeling I got with this short story is very good.
My only suggestion would be to not forget smell. You have used all the others but this one. It is the one, I feel, really brings the reader into the story, making it real.
Anyways, just my suggestion.
Brooke
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gorgeously written. Immaculate. So descriptive and clear in my head, and that forlorn ending was the perfect conclusion.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 1, characters: 2.
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wow that was really good, very intense, i liked it a lot! great writing. it really grabbed me, and i liked how it wasnt super long, but long enough to have an arc. nice writing, you are very talented. its grabbed me from the beginning. good job. keep writing,
peace,
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Amazing!
That was amazing description and writing! You are an excellent writer! -
wow.
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Intense!
Wow. Intense. Very intense. Though I am kind of lost, I didn't really understand it. I get that he was sick and everything (and the way you described it in detail really made my skin crawl, good job!) but I didn't get the last scentence. I suppose its just my stupidity, but other than that it is really, really good, really intense. Awesome! -
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Ooops
I forgot to mention in the medical text pages that he looked under the heading "radiation sickness" - does that clarify things?
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