The Book of FIWAAIRTH

THE BOOK OF FIWAAIRTH1

By the true risen Daughter of Fiwaarth2

Fiwaaret3

1. Genetics4

Yea in the beginning of all things the great Hermaphrodite didst open its eyes in the darkness of the universe and lo it didst see that there was nothing and it was nothing, and it said “let there be some stars so I can see” And lo stars came into being and didst create many explosions in the universe and around those stars came to be the planets – this was the first hour. The Great Hermaphrodite saw that this was good and was pleased with its creation and fascinated that such things could be done. So it came to pass that the Great Hermaphrodite spied a bluish sphere situated around a type G star and so looked closer at this sphere. “This is good” sayeth the Great Hermaphrodite and so proceeded to the planets surface where many volcanoes burst forth great sheets of volcanic rock, fire and dirt. And so the Great Hermaphrodite did take control of the fire and the dirt and the gasses, and didst bring unto the sphere, water and made it rain. This was the second hour. The Great Hermaphrodite, now in control of all the elements of the Sphere didst name itself after the elements so that it might remain in control when e’er the name be spoken. Fire, Water, Air and Earth were combined to create the name of FIWAAIRTH.5

It came to pass that the Great Hermaphrodite FIWAAIRTH didst succumb to the loneliness of the sphere and didst seek to create companions for itself. And it came to pass that using its new found power over the elements FIWAAIRTH was able to bring into being a beautiful garden wherein its imagination took flight and within was created many living beings, birds of the air, trees rooted in Earth, fish in the waters and things that doth creep and crawl upon the surface. FIWAAIRTH created he thus giant creatures with teeth and claws and all manner of things that look like other things. This was the third hour. And so it came to pass that FIWAAIRTH became slightly bored of creating things it could not talk to and sought therefore to create a creature that it could talk to on a level. Lo and behold FIWAAIRTH called upon its power of Earth and didst fashion a creature after its own image, and named it HUMAN. It was the same as FIWAAIRTH only a lot smaller, it was hermaphrodite and was given the name Ann... meaning “The first”. 6

Ann was very beautiful and had long flowing hair and sparkling eyes and she was perfect. She was created perfect, with a male and female gender and she didst roam the lands of the sphere and look after the creatures that FIWAAIRTH had created. But one day FIWAAIRTH saw Ann sitting sadly in the garden and asked “Ann, why are you sad?” 7

Ann replied sadly “FIWAAIRTH, I sit and I watch the animals procreate and make more like unto themselves, I see there are many beetles, much birds and abundant fish.. but there is only one of me... I am very lonely.”8

The Great Hermaphrodite knew the lonleness of the Sphere and so put Ann to sleep and whilst she lay asleep, from her was taken a sexual gland and from this was grown a companion for Ann. Ann awoke to find that some of her body was different. There was no male side to her and this to her felt very odd. FIWAAIRTH then showed Ann what he/she had done as Ann slept, and created her thus a companion, and he was male. His name was given by Ann as Steven meaning “He who is even with me”. 9

And so it came to pass that Ann and Steven were put in charge of the Great Garden of FIWAAIRTH, and the garden was given the name “The Den Garden” and for many many years they didst look after it for the Great God FIWAAIRTH. 10

They had been given commandments however, never to eat the fruits of two certain bushes. The bush of Sexual desire and the Bush of knowledge of everything. But Steven was toiling in the Garden one day, his bronzed body shining in the glorious sun, his long hair blowing in the wind, when he came across a horse chewing on the bush of Sexual desire. “No horse!” he gasped “We have been commanded by FIWAAIRTH never to eat of the Bush of sexual desire, you must move away for you will surely die!”11

The horse laughed “Steve, don’t be ridiculous, I have eaten of this bush many times and not succumbed to Death..” She continued “Here Steve, lick the fruit of this bush, and see that you will be given something you cannot do without...I guarantee it..”12

Steve was intrigued, for it was obvious the horse had not died. Curious was Steve..and so he licked the fruit of the bush of sexual desire and picked one of its berries. “I must show Ann this.. “ He cried and ran to where Ann was sitting tending to an Ostrich. “Ann.. Ann!” he cried, please eat of this berry and I can guarantee that you will experience something amazing. “But Steve!” Gasped Ann as she noted that something about Steve was different and upstanding. “This is a berry from the Bush of Sexual Desire...!!!” she continued “I’m not eating THAT! I’ll die!”13

“No..” Said Steve, as he realised how desirable Ann was, and how this seemed to cause something within him to change and be upstanding. “I have licked of this berry and I am not dead.. in fact I am feeling extraordinarily energetic.. and I think you are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen!” he said gazing at her glorious body and what he realised were really quite big breasts. Intregued Ann took the berry and licked of it and was immediately changed. She saw that Steve was indeed gorgeous, that his muscles rippled and his six pack was huge, and immediately beneath that was something she knew she would like inside of her again as it was in the beginning. She could hardly take her eyes from his glorious body. Steve came to her and knew her as his wife, and they knew each other all day and and all night and they knew each other the next day and night. 14

FIWAAIRTH came back to the Garden and looked for Ann and Steve but could find them nowhere. “Where are you?” It asked and it could smell something unusual, and the Garden was unusually untidy. He spied them hiding in some trees and realised they had eaten of the bush of sexual desire and was really annoyed. “You ate of the bush of sexual desire!” It said “And I specifically commanded you not to!”15

“Sorry...” Said Ann and immediately blamed Steve.. who was displeased. “Yeah but you enjoyed it!” He grumbled.. “And you said I was the greatest lover you’d ever had!” 16

“SILENCE!” Roared FIWAAIRTH, annoyed by their constant bickering. “Now you’ve gotten Ann pregnant and you need to go out into the world and colonise it.. ah well... such is nature!” It said and banished them from the Garden. Secretly the Great Hermaphrodite was pleased that creation had worked out so well and withdrew to its position in the outer atmosphere to observe the colonisation of the Sphere.17

Ann and Steve begat many children the first being Shaun and Peter, who began Loki, Stu and Margaret, who in return begat Hegemon and Deuteronomy, who married Sylvia and begat Corinthias and Megatron and Cyril who married Janicee and who begat Bertha, Susette, Jacob, Marley and Sophia...18

2. Out of London19

Many begats later there came to be a man who’s name was Anglet, and he resided with his very old and barren wife Bretanya in a cold wet island in the North Atlantic. Bretanya was unable to conceive children but she was Queen of the Anglets as Anglet was the King of them. And so Bretanya prayed to FIWAAIRTH to help her bear a son for Anglet. “Oh Great FIWAAIRTH please help me give my husband Anglet a son or he will sleep with another female and her name is Bodicea ... please help me bear him a son..” 20

FIWAARTH saw that Bretanya was very sad and sent an Anglord with a message for her. The Archanglord Mitchell appeared before her as she prayed and said “Lo Bretanya thou shalt become heavy with child, and that child shall father a nation!” 21

She ran to her husband Anglet and told him of the vision and he refused to believe her, but they knew each other many times that night and lo the promise of the Anglord was honoured and then Bretanya became exceedingly heavy with child. That child that was born was called Myrddin and he did indeed grow up to father a nation, and that nation was called Clas Myrddin. But the rulers of the land were very cruel and evil and the pharaoh was called Arthur, and he owned many acres of land in Clas Myrddin. There the slaves of the land were forced to work on a giant city called LONDON, to build it for the Pharaoh. Yea when Myrddin was 350 years old he didst work in LONDON for the Pharaoh and was exceedingly bored and didst spy one day a burning bush and the voice of God didst call out to him. “Myrddin.. thou must lead thy people out of LONDON to start a new life in the promised land..!” 22

And whilst Myrddin listened awed at the voice of God, the followers of FIWAAIRTH stood giggling behind a tree with a megaphone. They watched as Myrddin agreed to free the slaves of the Pharaoh for it was their solemn duty to the great Hermaphrodite.. to burn bushes in front of prophets to confuse them and pretend to be the voice of God. 23

And so it came to pass that Myrddin went to the great halls of Pharaoh Arthur and ordered him that his people should be freed saying “Arthur.. let my people Go!” But the FIWAAIRTH hardened his heart and Arthur replied “I will not, they are the slaves of the Kingdom.. now leave!” But Myrddin did not leave and he heard the voice of God say “Tell Arthur I shall kill all the first born of Clas Myrddin if he doesn’t free the people” And so Myrddin told Arthur this and he still refused. Yea it came to pass that night, that a great mist came down upon the city of LONDON and didst kill all of ye first born in the kingdom except those who were natives of the city. Arthur was upset.. and let all of the people go.24

Yea it came to pass that Myrddinn took up a pipe and didst play ye tune in merriment and the people didst follow till they cometh to the Thames and didst see behind them that Pharaoh Arthur was incensed and had gathered many chariots and was following them with intent. “Master.. how shall we cross this mighty river?” Asked Darren – Myrddins brother.25

“Hmmm...” muttered Myrddin.. “Fear ye not Darren.. I have this rod what I stole from the top of Big Ben!” He said “I also took the Ben Ben stone inside the tower, and yea I have constructed ye ark, and said ark will help us cross this river on dry land!” 26

Miraculously Myrddin stood at the river, and held the rod aloft, and the ark was right next to him.. lo the waters parted and made a path through the Thames. And so they crossed the water, but Arthurs troops were close at hand... and as they entered the pathway the waters closed in on them and drowned them all...27

Darren was overcome.. “But how did you build this ark?” He asked “What is inside of it?”28

Myrddin spoke to his brother saying “Darren thou shalt be told of this wonder. For on the top of Big Ben there was a special stone, an object given to us by FIWAAIRTH itself, and it is the word of FIWAAIRTH and all who touch it shall be killed, except for those who wear woollen priestly clothing.. lo.. Darren.. we shalt create ye now the Darronic Priesthood, and all the sons of Cyril shall be those who can touch the ark.. “ And from that moment on all who could touch the ark were the Sons of Cyril. The Ark was commanded to be built by FIWAAIRTH, who said unto Myrddin “Hear me now my son, buildst thou an ark, made of good old oak, lined with gold leaf and concrete and on the top put four golden cherubs to decorate it and keep the thing inside from exploding. And so, was given unto Myrddin the holy stone of Big Ben, thus radioactive and brought sickness upon those who didst not wear the protective clothing.29