Plasti-Sugar

EVERYONE loves getting fat from consuming sugar. You KNOW you want to get CANCER from artificial sweeteners such as Equal and Splenda! And everybody just desires to get ants in their honey-sweetened meals! This is why we bring you, from the makers of Easy-do-Meals and Easy-do-Nothing, the revolutionary Plasti-Sugar! 1

It makes you get fat faster than any other SWEETENER KNOWN TO MAN. Its advanced technology attracts ants and A VARIETY of other insects. You can be SURE it will give you cancer, or your MONEY BACK. 2

Plasti-sugar is also the FIRST artificial sweeter that is COMPLETELY and ENTIRELY ecologically friendly. It is made of 99% recycled Ziploc Bags used in hospitals to help the elderly PEE. The best part is the bags WERE NEVER WASHED, making this an even MORE natural choice. 3

Here are some of our SATISFIED customers’ reviews: 4

MERIAM- MINNESOTA 5

“I was in desperate need to gain 345 pounds, and Plasti-sugar EXCEEDED my expectations. I gained 567 pounds in less than a WEEK of consuming this product. Thank you, Plasti-sugar, now I finally have an excuse to not get off my bed!” 6

JASON- SOUTH CAROLINA 7

“Thanks to Plasti-sugar I FINALLY got cancer! Now I can get my parents to take me to PARIS, cause they feel ‘Oh! So bad for me.’ 8

ANA- TEXAS 9

“Plasti-sugar REALLY does work. It is NOT a SCAM. I’ve consumed Plasti-sugar since it first came out, and now I’ve got a TUMOR the size of my head under my 678 POUND BELLY. Thank you, Plasti-sugar!” 10

Now you may wonder, WHY WOULD I WANT TO GET CANCER? and WHY WOULD I WANT TO GET FAT? Well, the answer is simple! Cause EVERYONE'S DOING IT. And let's not forget that Plasti-sugar got the 2009 GUINNESS WORLD RECORD for WORST TASTING PRODUCT! What MORE could you want? 11

To make this offer even MORE irresistible, we'll through in a bag of Plasti-Salt and Plasti-Pepper to add spice to your meals! All of this has a value of OVER $7000, but if you call NOW, you can get this for just $6999! And it keeps getting better! If you purchase ANOTHER 1-ounce bag of Plasti-Sugar, we'll through in our popular "I LOVE PANDAS" shirt, that also turns into an ELEGANT "I LOVE PANDAS" NIGHT GOWN if you pay $400 more. So CALL NOW! 12

(Side effects may include death, severe chest pains, nausea, fainting, vomiting, diarrhea, cramps, flatulence, rash, itching, difficulty breathing, swelling of the mouth, lips, chin and tongue, temporary stinging, uneven heartbeats, sleep problems, blistering skin, stretch marks, feeling tired, blurred vision, excessive sweating, streaks in the skin, acne, skin atrophy, and THOUSANDS of MILLIONS more!)13

CALL NOW: 1-800-SWEETEN14

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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • Alex Fitzpatrick
    August 25

    Edit | Reply

    Brilliant comedy.

    This story is hilarious. I was almost falling off my chair with laughter as I read it.
    The idea is brilliant, and I particularly like it because I have the same zany sense of humor. I can’t say brilliant enough times to describe how funny I find this story.

    The only suggestions I would make are that I don’t think all those capitalized words work very well for you. I think you just need to capitalize the first letter of proper nouns or product trade names.

    The only other niggle is the spelling of Minnesota.

    Once again; Brilliantly funny.


    • shtwyturtle
      August 25
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you, hahaha.
      Yes, yes... I know... I was only thinking about the random TV Offer commercials, and Billy Mays or something as I used the capitals. xD
      Oooh, that's right. Spelling of Minnesota shall be fixed. Thank you so much.


  • therenaissancegirl gold member
    August 17

    Edit | Reply
    Oh my effing god I just DIED with laughter! Haha that gold was well-deserved, my friend I especially love this one:

    “Thanks to Plasti-sugar I FINALLY got cancer! Now I can get my parents to take me to PARIS, cause they feel ‘Oh! So bad for me.’

    And then the head-sized tumor under the 678-pound belly? That's some rich stuff right there... Oh, and this:

    "All of this has a value of OVER $7000, but if you call NOW, you can get this for just $6999!"

    I nearly peed my pants; Great job!


  • Clary--Selene--Tayy gold member
    August 12
    Edit | Reply
    lol suh-nayup coollol random


  • Florencite
    August 3

    Edit | Reply

    DANG

    You should seriously consider writting digital shorts for SNL!
    This was brilliant!
    I love your writing!


  • u.wish.u.were.emmet
    August 3

    Edit | Reply
    OMG HILARIOUS! definately one of my best entries yet! I love how if u call right away you get one dollar off, lol=] I like the side affects too!!!!! well done, thx 4 entering!

1 - 8 of 8