Mixed Emotions

Here I am in this place.  Here in my heart.  This place is so familiar to me, though I know that dark secrets lie deep with each individual that dwells here in memory.  Why do I wish to stay?  Why do I wish to remain if I know too well that I will be destroyed?  1

There is one whose memory lays…a boy my age.  A boy whom I had loved since the day I arrived in that place that everyone knew but me.  Those times had been painful, living with the reality that he would never return my love, that he would never remember my name.  But then, as the second year was almost ended, he noticed me.  He asked me for one thing that I had always secretly hoped for in the deepest reaches of my heart.  Would I stay with him, for he confessed that he too, loved me the way I loved him.  Oh, how my mind stopped and put forth a blank thought on that day!  My heart sang of its joy in utter silence as I told him I would.2

Now, as the truth comes to back to my mind, I feel pain.  Each day, I am saddened by the thought that after this end, I will never see him again.  He asks me again and again what is on my mind.  I merely smile and tell him that I am happy and well, though it is not what I am at all.  When he laughs, I feel like I am to cry, knowing that I will not hear it again.  Every time he smiles, feel I am to cry, knowing I will not see it again.  How I treasure the way he touches me each day.  I want desperately to proclaim to him everything that is one my mind all the time.  I want to tell him everything, anything, for it is my last resort and action for delaying the pain that has come.  3

His name I cannot even say, for the pain in its sweetness is unbearable to experience again.  Each time I do, my heart leaps for joy, yet cries for mercy.  The thought of being away from him is utterly depressing.  The pain is destroying my mind.  Why?  It is my mind, my heart, my feelings that I am destroying on purpose by simply being so hard on myself.4

Today…today I told him how I felt.  I poured my heart out to him in a few simple sentences.  “I’m afraid…I will never see you again.  I will never be able to hold your hand or hear you reassure me that everything will be all right.”  I never want today to end.  Make it go forever.  I want to have him with me everyday.  Does he feel as I do?  I wish I knew.  What is this feeling?  This want?  This desire?  This obsession?  I do not know for sure whether it is good or evil.  All I know is that it is with me everyday.  I pray to the Lord that it will leave my mind alone.  Leave me alone.  Leave me.  Leave.  I beg you…leave my love alone.5