We stood alone in a field of mud and bones. Not a whisper, not a sound. We stood alone in that field and stared for the longest time; thinking of what has been and what has yet to be. We breath in that air of ash and smoke. We've left ourselves open to anything now, for the worst is over now. We simple stare at the city that was our own. Now our city of ruins.1
We laced our fingers together. The grim between us doesn't slow the sparks we left ourselves open to. I felt each heartbeat, slow and oh so true. I held my breath with each resounding thump of her heart. All we have is this moment. Their was no reason to pretend, nothing matters anymore. Nothing and yet everything.2
You looked to me with mournful eyes. Our eyes locked into a silent dance of endless blight. Tears ran down your cheeks as I choked to find my words. The same feelings cut both of us open and leaves us with nothing but two hearts beating as one. We were young and restless and so alone. The ash falls like snow on both of us now as we remained silent. No words I find can express what just happened. We were the past, we were the future...we were one. 3
I felt your arms wrap around me as your face buried deep into my chest. Blackened, gritty fingers twist through through your ash-peppered hair. I held you so tight that night; I didn't want to let go. Quietly, she sobbed against my chest and with each whimper I felt myself die a little more inside. Questions arised in both our hearts and our minds. Is it the world that has withered and died or is it us? We have our doubts and fears and suddenly the realization dawns on me; the illusion of being strong for us both is dead and gone. We were both terrified. 4
Her face pulled from my chest as her sobs slowly died. Her beaten green eyes look up into mine. Not a whisper, not a word. We just stared. Was this all that we had left? Was all we had left each other? She smiled to me between quiet sniffles as we both realized that this is it. This is the rest of our lives. I smiled back and kissed her blackened forehead before holding her close. It was two hearts beating as one. Two strangers now forever trapped in a strange land. All we had was eachother, and without a word, we both knew. 5
We stood there alone that night in a field of mud and bones. Ruins of the city that once was our home was now dead and gone. Everything had changed for the worst. The ash rained slowly down around us as the sun slowly sank beneath the grey fallout. Not a sound, not a whisper. We were all that was left. 6
All we had was each other...
and all that was left was devils and dust.7
Author notes
This story came up when I was at work, listening to the song "Devils and Dust" by Bruce Springsteen. I wanted a different take of a post-apoc. story, one that contrasted and conflicted with the bleak and grey settings, which ultimately I decided was love and hope. The work itself I wanted to sound more like a song, almost as if a songwriter was telling you a story - a story of two strangers at the end of the world. Each the others whole world now, whether they like it or not, for better or worse.
EDITED! Aug 18
This is the revised copy now. I've went ahead and changed most of the grammatical errors and placed the rest of the story in its proper tense. I've also added a few little things, I hope you guys like it
A contest entry
- The world ended... Now what? by Duke1985.
450 points, ended August 16, 16 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Well I gotta say first off I'm a sucker post-apoc love stories, and I personally think you knew that going into this thing.
It does come across like a song which now reading your author's notes I see that was your aim. That makes the piece particularly interesting to me. It also lets you weasel out of all that world and history building that comes with tackling the post apocalyptic and just jump right into the main themes of your story, which are emotions.
I do feel like this is lacking something its hard to put my finger on exactly what. The sadness comes across very well and I think if you added something more to end of paragraph 5 you can pull out a bit more of the hope theme. Its there for sure I'd just like to see more of it, but I might just be a sap. I don't know what you could add though.
Thanks for entering I enjoyed this piece and welcome to the finalist list.
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Thanks bro for the feedback. I'm sitting at work all weekend not doing much until amanda comes down, so i am going to revise this one, make it flow better and correct what tense it is done in, since i noticed i jumped a few times throughout the story. I'll definately expand on it and make it a little longer. I also have a new story I'm thinking of that I'll give you a first-draft peak so you can tell me what you think. I think i have a really good idea in the works. Its kind of like a bonnie and clyde thing going on.
Sorry I havent been able to review some of your works recently. I've been super busy. I have finally have some down time to really relax and work on some stuff and revise what i got and compile it into a hard copy. I can do the same with your stuff - print it out and go through it and edit it for ya, and just send it up with manda when she comes back.
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cool
I thought it was a really beautifully written piece. The intimacy was portrayed in a very subtle but sad manner which kinda got the post-apoc thing going.
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Between paragraphs four and five the personal pronouns shift from "you" to "she"; it really threw me off in the reading--and between paragraphs one and two you changed your tenses, saying 'we stood' (past tense) in P. 1 and then 'we lace' (present) in P. 2. The story felt really... Blase. If it was really a post-apoc world, it seems to me that there would be more depth to it, more feeling between the people and their surroundings. I mean, they just survived the end of the world! Where's more of the feeling? Where's the intensity? I liked the idea of this piece and thought it was good, but I think if you added to the overall feeling of it and worked on your grammatical errors I pointed out, it'd be truly great.
Good luck in the contest!
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thanks for the feedback. I will look it over and hopefully if i get the time, edit it. the point i wanted to convey across with it was something different from normal post-apoc stories. I kept the description of what happened to the world really vague to kind of let the emotions of each characters play over it. So i wanted to keep the actual world itself kind of in the shadows because for these characters, they kind of dont care what happened anymore, the just care about eachother, because thats all they got.
Thanks though, im gonna edit it soon and hopefully add a little more and fix the grammar errors.
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Hm. Generally, I'm not a fan of song-inspired stories. I glanced over this when I saw Bruce Springsteen's name attached. I'm a fan of his music.
The story is interesting, though it seems to be missing details regarding what happened. And yet, it works. Good job. -
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thanks for the comment. I was going for something different. a short story that doesnt really explain how everything is going to shit, but instead shows the relationship of these two people suddenly realizing everything has changed
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Yeh, it sounds like a song. I was excited at the line that said you laced your fingers together- I dunno, it caught me off guard and sounded so pretty. You say it again later, you lace your fingers through her hair or something, but that starts to get repetitive, and you should find a different word. Overall, interesting take.
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haha thanks. I havent had a chance to really proof-read this one as well, being at work like 16 hours of the day! Damn army hospitals.... hehe. Anyways. I will give it a read through and make some changes! thanks for the insight! You've proven to be extremely helpful. Perhaps we can get something going where we give eachother feedback on stories we do so we can become better writers. That would be awesome to have someone always able to read and give insight on it.
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sure thing- always great to have an editing buddy
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