Gone Crazy Be Back Soon Part Eighty One

I might have been okay1

If I had heeded that advice more carefully
But I seem to have to repeat mistakes
Multiple times before I learn from them2

After the hypothermia episode
I went home for a day and then
Was able to return to camp
For the final day’s ceremony3

It was sort of embarrassing going back
But I was determined to show everyone
That I was no weak little wimp that
Couldn’t handle a little cold water4

I also wanted to show everyone that I was okay
And that they didn’t have to worry about me anymore5

The week after rock climbing camp6

I woke up one morning with incredible pain wracking through my chest
After all the things that had gone wrong with my body in the last few years
What with my eating disoreder, th overdose effects, the meds, and the hypothermia
It’s probably not surprising that the chest pain really freaked me out a lot7

I wasn’t sure if I was having a heart attack or what
I told my mom who thought I was over reacting
But the pain got so intense every time I took a breath
That I passed out just a few hours into the day8

When I woke up my parents insisted that the physical symptoms
Weren’t actually that bad and that they were being made worse
By all my psychological problems and emotional stress9

I couldn’t deal with that response
There’s almost nothing worse
Then being in agony and then
Basically having it dismissed10

I just started crying hysterically
Which only magnified the pain
It got so bad that I passed out again11

When I woke up my parents were sighing
After hours of pain and lying on the couch
Basically unable to move because of the sensations
My mom agreed to take me to the ER
My dad thought it was ridiculous which hurt
But at least he didn’t say anything further12

At the ER the triage nurse recognized me
I did after all frequent the ER because of
My multiple overdoses and psych emergencies13

She asked if the problem was anxiety and I
Almost exploded at that but I tried to be calm
As I explained that the problem was chest pain14

I must have waited about four hours before I was seen
Then they finally examined me and it was another
Two or three hours before the doctor decided that
I had Costochondritis and explained that my cartilage
In my chest was badly inflamed from the hypothermia incident
When I had the prolonged asthma attack down in the cave15

I was relieved when the nurse verified that Costochondritis
Can feel like a heart attack but is not life threatening
They gave me a Percocet for the pain and sent me home
With a prescription for a high dose of Motrin to dull the pain16

I slept on the couch that night and most of the next day
I took the Motrin as often as I could for the pain17

Unfortunately18

The ER personal had not been aware
That I had a sensitive stomach due to
Years of purging and starving myself
And because of that they had not warned me
That Motrin, especially high doses of Motrin
Could inflame the stomach lining
After a few days of taking the Motrin
I began to puke after everything I ate
After puking up some mouthfuls of blood
I got really freaked out and simply stopped
Eating or drinking anything and everything19

I had gone a full two days without eating or drinking
When it was time for our family vacation in New Hampshire
We went anyway and it was fun at first despite the fact that
I was extremely tired and dizzy and just didn’t feel right20

My parents kept pushing me to eat and drink
And I would try little bits of food or drinks
But then I would end up throwing it back up21

On the second day of vacationing22

I was barely able to walk
But I pushed myself anyway
And tried to cover up the fact
That I was on the verge of passing out23

When we went for a swim in the river
I figured it was cold but no way as cold
As the cave water had been at all
I went in and was having a great time24

At first25

When my body went numb
I was having too much fun
Playing in the waterfalls
So I stayed in a little long
I was shivering a lot but
I ignored that as well
When my shivering stopped
And I noticed that my fingernails
Had a definite bluish cast to them
I could ignore the truth no longer26

I was getting hypothermic again
As soon as I got out of the water
Everything went black and I felt
Like I was in pitch black darkness
Riding down a bumpy roller coaster
When the world appeared again
I realized that I was lying on the ground
With a bumped head on the edge of the river
My parents were annoyed more than worried
They helped me up and gave me a towel27

No matter how tightly I wrapped myself in the towel
I just couldn’t warm at all it was like the cold had invaded
My entire body all the way down to the marrow in my bones28

My parents and I decided to head back to our motel
We had to walk through a trail in the woods to get back
To the parking lot where the car was located however
And I couldn’t seem to manage to stay upright and conscious29

Every few feet I was blacking out and collapsing on the ground
My dad was with me and he just kept hauling me back to my feet
And telling me that I needed to get it together and get back to the car30

Just like had happened with the Costochondritis
He was insisting that my problem wasn’t physical
His insistence made the whole situation even worse
I was scared out of my mind because there was obviously
Something very wrong with me and I wanted it checked out31

I begged my dad to call 911 on his cellphone
He refused but said that he would if I was still
Having problems when we got back to the motel32

At one point some woman saw me pass out
And asked my dad if we needed anything33

My dad responded 34

“No, we’re fine”35

That really irked me
I knew I wasn’t fine
How could my dad say
Something as scalding as that?36

I was too exhausted and cold and out of it
To say anything to my dad at the moment
When I confronted him later he said that 37

“I just didn’t want anyone else to get involved in the situation, it would have complicated things and done more harm than good.”38

We continued to the parking lot
With me passing out at least three more times
By the time my dad got me to the car
I was bruised in pain and a complete mess39

I only remember the beginning of the car ride
There was a thick darkness threatening to pull me under
As soon as I sat down and I was able to fight it at first
But soon I felt my eyes sinking shut and I couldn’t
Get them to open back up as hard as I tried
At first I could hear noises around me through
My closed eyes but then the darkness got too thick
And I felt like I had simply fallen asleep40

The next thing I was aware of
Was the sound of beeps and blips
I heard voices and I felt soreness
Radiating throughout both my arms41

I struggled a little and was able
To break through the heaviness
Of my eyes enough to open them