It was the smell that first alerted Destiny to the creature’s presence, then a chill prickled up her spine as a wave of evil followed the smell. Swinging her staff out in defense she hoped to make contact with at least one of the creatures.1
Unfortunately they were creatures cunning and stayed just out of reach of her weapon.2
Desperation engulfed her as she tried her best to keep them from completely surrounding her.3
Hair damp with sweat, Destiny understood, too late, that she was being driven towards the cliff wall, towards the two she was suppose to rescue. Frustration gripped her when she realized there was nothing she could do about it. Back against the wall, body soaked with sweat and mud, Destiny looked at the two beside her and in a calm, yet sarcastic voice said. “I hope your Tim and Tyler, because I’d hate to have become these creatures supper for nothing.”4
The brothers gave each other a wary look, as if unsure what to think about the new arrival.5
“Tom sent me.” She stated after seeing their hesitation.6
She focused back on the wolf that she had picked out as the leader, although he was not the biggest the others seemed to take queues from him.7
As it made a motion to move forward, Destiny swiftly jumped in front of the others, staff swinging, causing the leader to cringe backwards.8
That’s when she noticed, to her irritation, the brothers were only holding small hunting knives.9
“That’s all you brought to defend yourself? Yet I see, just like your brothers, you have a guitar strapped to your back.” She spit out in disgust.10
“Better a hunting knife than a stick!” Tim shouted back.11
Taking advantage of the distraction, two of the creatures had slinked in closer.12
Destiny caught a glimpse of movement out of the corner of her eye. With one fluid motion she finally made contact, sending them both yelping to the back of the pack.13
At the instant of impact Destiny felt an electric pulse flow through the staff as a bluelight seemed to glow from her hand down the length of the staff.14
With no time to ponder the new development, she cleared it from her mind.15
Red eyes glowed brighter as the leader growled, “I’m done playing with my food.”16
If the boys were surprised at the fact the beast was talking, they didn’t show it.17
Nor did she have time to contemplate that fact either, for with the leader’s statement the entire pack began moving forward, making ready to pounce.18
Destiny’s heart raced, her muscles tightened as she gripped the staff waiting for the impact.19
She was stunned when it did not come, just as the creature sprang, a monstrous bear like animal plowed into the beast causing it to soar in the sky and land with a crack on the ground.20
With a wild ferocity the bear thing was flinging animals left and right.21
The few not being decimated had turned their attention to the three humans.22
Twirling and swinging her staff, Destiny made contact again and again, each time she once again felt the electric pulse and saw the blue glowing light stretch from her hand to the end of the staff.23
As quickly as the attack began it ended, those not killed retreated back from where they had come.24
Concerned, she looked to the brothers. She relaxed a bit seeing that they had defended themselves quite nicely.25
She then focused on the bear creature with curiosity, not fear. She was unsure why? It was the size of the Polar bear of the old world. However, it was blue, a fluffy blue, with glittering purple eyes.26
If Destiny hadn’t just witnessed the destruction the beast had caused she would have had the urge to give it a big hug. She watched with curiosity as the blue monster sauntered up to both Tim and Tyler, sniffing first then snorting as if in disgust.27
Shaking its’ head it turned to Destiny, looked her in the eyes and winked, then like a blue streak; it raced away from the astonished trio.28
“Did that thing wink?” Tyler asked.29
“I doubt it will be the strangest thing we’ll see in this world.” Destiny remarked.30
Inwardly she knew the blue beast had been Tak. She could see it in his eyes. 31
Author notes
first draft, needs work but though suggestions might help. The fight scenes trouble me a little..
In a list
- The Weird and Random group list • next in list
Is is to passive? Any help would be great.
Comments
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I liked this too! This must be the most dedicated I've been to a chapter story! The first bit lacked a bit of, ah.. tenseness? mm.. it went to fast i didn't have enough time to savour the feelings and the happenings. But it then really started to get moving and I really enjoyed it. I lobe the blue bear thing
I didn't mind the fight scenes, maybe you could have more detail in the creatures attacking her, but i liked the stick hitting stuff. I liked it
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thank you so much that is the greatest compliment I could get.
Yep, I know sometimes I have a tendency to rush hings a bit
I need to work on that. 
thanks for the adivice, when I do rewrites I will definetly work on that. 
lol Tak is my favorite character too, he shows up every now and then.
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Unfortunately they were creatures cunning and stayed just out of reach of her weapon.2 This para needs to be reconstructed.
Back against the wall, body soaked with sweat and mud, Destiny looked at the two beside her and in a calm, yet sarcastic voice said. “I hope your Tim and Tyler, because I’d hate to have become these creatures supper for nothing.”4
You should reread this it seems fragmented.
Yesit needs editing, but you're following up on the previous chapters greatly -
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Thanks for the comment. I knew it needed work now thanks to everyones helpyful comments I can rework it. Thank you again and thanks for the helpful comment.
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Nice active chapter Lori
Sorry I didn't comment on the last one. I read it but forgot to go back for a comment. I found it amusing that Tom was more concerned about his guitar while he was trapped in quicksand.
So there are still wolves lurking on the outside. I wonder what other wild creatures she'll find as she goes along. That was so cool when the bear turned out to be Tak! Tak is my favorite character so far, aside from Destiny of course. *laughs*
As Brooke mentioned, you have many single sentences as paragraphs. I noticed that in the last chapter as well. The only time you really need to separate single lines as paragraphs is when there's dialogue from different people. Or perhaps to emphasize a particular point.
Otherwise any sentences that relate to each other in overall thought in the scene should be combined together in a single paragraph until a new thought or action is introduced.
Did that make sense? Let me know if it didn't. I'm not always that great on explanations.
The only other things I noticed were:
p2. creatures cunning - cunning creatures
p7. She focused back on the wolf that she had picked out as the leader, although he was not the biggest the others seemed to take queues from him. - ' ...she had picked out as the leader. Although he was not the biggest, the others...' - also queue refers to a line of people waiting or a braid of hair - not sure what word you were going for here, but to say they were taking queues from him doesn't work.
p10. brothers - brother
p20. She was stunned when it did not come, just as the creature sprang, a monstrous bear like animal plowed into the beast causing it to soar in the sky and land with a crack on the ground. - 'She was stunned when it did not come. Just as the creature sprang, a monstrous bear-like animal plowed into the beast, causing it to...'
I also like Destiny's little quirks of sarcasm here and there. It adds a touch of humor to the other things that are going on.
Great chapter. The story is getting more interesting as it goes along.
Keep it coming.
Greg
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I didn't think it was to passive. I love this chapter. The boys seem to be an interesting development in the story. I can't wait to figure out where they fit in. And I LOVED how Tak was the blue bear thing. I honestly didn't see that coming. I can't wait to read the rest!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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This is a nice little romp
I think in para 4, the "Frustration..." sentence could be stronger if Destiny does something to show this frustration, or if there is some sort of action to show that she can't do anything, if that makes sense? And I don't think you need to say her voice was calm and sarcastic. While both could imply either, the statement stands sarcastically on its own, so you could just say the calm (or use an action to illustrate it).
In para 9/10, showing her irritation through bodily actions would work well. Her comment is good backbone to her feelings there. Also,'"...back," she spat...' is how it should go. Unless she's actually spitting.
At para 13/14, does the electric pulse happen before wolves yelp away? Like, hit-pulse-yelp? If so, it might be better for you to combine the two paragraphs, and rearrange it so that it happens in the actual order.
Para 17-19 can be combined. Para 20: "She was...not come." Should be a sentence there.
Para 21-24 could also be combined. If you make sentences shorter and faster, it'll keep the reader feeling like the attack really is happening quickly. Para 23, before "each time" you should either end the previous sentence or add "and" but then that would be a really long sentence. And since we already know the span of the blue pulse, I'd say you don't need to detail it again (from the hand to staff part, I mean).
I like how you set the time up with "polar bear of the old world." It provides nice, immediate necessary for description of the bear, but also good background.
I think the best thing for your fight scene would be...shorten sentences, combine paragraphs, and use really really specific details to increase visibility for the reader. If Destiny is going to hit something, tell us where, tell us how hard. That kinda thing. You don't need a whole lot, just a few concrete images.
Good job!
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WoW! thank you so much for your indepth comments they help alot and have put things clearer for me.Like a asid a knew something was wrong with the fight scenes just couldn't figure out exactly how to change it. Your suggestion are very helpful and I will be using them along witheveryone elses to make the chapter better. Thank you again.
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Hey artaq,
Damn good chapter here! Fight scene was alright. You can always plump it up a bit in the next draft. I knew it was Tak! That was cool. I'd bet that the blue glow means she can throw a bolt of lightening or something like that. I saw most of the boo-boos had been pointed out, so I just read and didn't look for any. Looking forward to your next installment.
Steve
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Thanks for reading once again.I'm working on improving the fight scenes. I can see it in my head getting it on paper is another thing. trial by error is the best way.
Thanks again
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You have mention of a smell in the first paragraph, but not what the smell is. So, you are telling not showing here What did the smell, smell like ?
'...in defense(,) she...'
P2 how about 'cunning creatures' instead of 'creatures cunning'?
And in my opinion you should combine P2 and P3.
P4 I stink at grammar and puncuation but I think you can use a ; instead of a , at 'wall(
towards'
'...voice said(,) "I...'
P7 Wait, wait a minute, so there is more then one creature and the creatures are wolves? It's been awhile since I last read a chapter of this, so I'm sorry if my confusion is a surprise. But if this isn't my confusion, then you need to make it known before this that there is more then one.
P14 and P15 needed to be combined.
P18 and P19 combine
P20 - 22 combine
P27 and P28 combine
P31 'Inwardly(,) she...
What an action packed chapter and you did such a great job describing the action.
Just a few suggestions, listed above
Great write.
Brooke
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Thank you so much for reading.
OK I remember a smell, just ot what smell. I told you , you were stuck in my brain I didn't say you were clear. the smell was described in the last chapter but I forgot to put it here. OOPs
Yep there are more than one. I described them earlier as kinda wolf like. I wasn't sure how to let the reader know their names? It's a new world and there isn't names for anything yet.. I have a name but I wasn't sure how to introduce it.. any suggestions.
Thanks again. I always appreciate your help. -
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See, that is what happens when I don't remember the last chapter. I am glad you had describe that
These are werewolves or just wolves that can communicate with people? My suggestion would be to use more description where you can.
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Just a few spags
Very interesting story, but I don't think I've read the first part, but it still held my interest. Good job
#2 Maybe, they were cunning creatures?
#4 she was [suppose] to rescue
should be supposed
I hope [your] should be you're Tim and Tyler
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Thank you so much for reading. I'm glad you could understand what was going on even with out reading the other chapters.. thanks for the corrections.
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