The dream starts off always the same...1
I see myself standing in a tunnel with water-eroded stones beneath my feet. Warm seawater flows between the cracks and over the stones to run around and in between my toes. Down the tunnel, a blue light illuminates the jagged rock that makes up the walls of the tunnel. It shows various blues from bright to dark and then back again and I realize that it’s reflecting water. 2
I race down the tunnel and I come to a sudden stop at the end. The end of the tunnel opened up to a cave that could hold at least a hundred people or more. The jagged rock gives the cave a menacing visage and a pool on the far side of the cave stretches out the entire length of the cave, but neither of those things catches my attention than the woman with long aqua blue hair sitting with her bare backside to me. 3
I can hear the steady flow of water coming from the sides of the cave as I approach her quietly. She doesn’t seem to notice me, her body sitting in the lotus position and, judging from her lack of clothing, she seems to be nude. As I was nearly at her back, she raises her head and a single drop of water falls on her forehead and rolls down on her hair. 4
As the raindrops rolls down, it makes it sparkle and shimmer until it comes alive and looks like a thousand flowing rivers. I reach to touch one of them…5
“Lanis, do you know why you have come here?” she asks just before my hand can touch her magnificent hair. 6
“No, I do not.” I say, taking my hand back.7
The pool in front of us rushes up, envelops the woman and then recedes, leaving her in a reflective blue dress that covers her from head to toe.8
As I look into her face, it becomes blurry, but the one thing that I do notice is that her eyes are the water when the moon is above it and it entrances me into a stupor. She raised a hand to my cheek and it feels like warm water from a shower. 9
“Lanis, you are a lost soul looking for belonging and you will find it soon enough, but for now, return to the mortal world. You will find your place before long.”10
I wake to the warm water of my shower going cold and I yelp in shock. I quickly turn off the shower and lean against the wall. Why is this dream plaguing me even in my daytime hours? What does it mean? Who’s the woman?11
These questions pester me throughout the day as I get dressed and hop on the bus to Pet Smart where I work. I'm the primary caregiver for the fish department and I feed and nurture the various sea animals. The fish respond to me and they have been known to follow me around as I make sure that they are taken care of. I find a lot of peace in my work, but lately that has been disrupted by that dream keeps coming up and once, I found myself nearly head first into an aquarium because I saw the woman’s face from the dream and wanted to get a closer look.12
My shift ended around 8pm and I found myself walking down the street to my home. I usually stop off at the local tavern called The Fishing Line. The guy, Robert Townsend, was a good family friend and he also had a kinship with fish, hence the name of his bar. 13
“Robert, how goes the night?” I asked as I straddled a chair and he brought me a mixed drink of Whiskey and Coke.14
“Slow, of course, but then again, you always come early. You know, I really wonder...Whoa, would you get a look at that?” He said slowly.15
I looked up at his face and I saw his eyes go wide with awe and his face go slack jawed. I swiveled to see what he was looking at and I joined him in the awe looking department.16
A woman walked in and she was dressed in a halter top that was dark blue, short and showing her midriff. A sarong was wrapped around her legs and was flowing around her even though there was very little wind coming from outside. She had high cheekbones and navy blue eyes with a pale lip gloss that seemed to fit her style rather than red lipstick. Her hair was black, except for when caught in the light from the ceiling, it held nearly every color of blue from bright blue to dark blue and back again.17
The woman was simply stunning and very beautiful. All of the patrons looked towards her as if a bell was rung right above her that made everyone pay attention, guys and gals. She sauntered up to the bar and asked for a apple martini and then a fresh glass of cranberry juice. 18
I came to sit down beside her and asked “So not to be blunt, but what’s a fine beauty like you doing here?”19
She looked at me, still sipping her apple martini. She caught my gaze and it felt as if her eyes went from navy blue to bright blue that the ocean of the Caribbean shows and then to a dark murky black with a tinge of moonlight reflected in their depths. Then, just like that, her eyes were back to their normal color and she put down her apple martini on the bar.20
“Lanis, isn’t it?” She asked, looking at the bar and not at me.21
“Yes, how did you know?” I asked, curious as how she found out my name.22
“Let’s just say that I’m from your past, or rather your ancestor’s past. My name is Melnara,” she said, downing her cranberry juice. She reached into her halter top and extracted a twenty out of her cleavage and then told Robert thanks for the drink.23
She was about to leave when I caught her hand. “Wait, Melnara, won’t you stay for a little chat and good company. I’m sure that I can make you laugh in five minutes or less.” I said, turning on my charm. My winning smile was one of my more endearing qualities to women. 24
Robert piped up from cleaning off the bar “No kidding, ma’am. He’s been timed and has been known to make even the most pissed off man laugh in that time. He’s truly got a gift with laughter,” he chuckled and went to serving other customers.25
However, she seemed unaffected by my charm.26
“I don’t want to remain here, but if you like, you can accompany me home. I’m sure that we could both use the walk.” She smiled seductively and before I knew it, she was tugging me along and we were walking towards her house.27
We arrived at her house about fifteen minutes later and her home was a red brick colonial with a stone stairway to her front door. She opened the door and looked back.28
“You want to find out who you are and what you have inside you, yes?” she asked, her eyes searching my face.29
I didn’t question how she knew my inner questions about myself, but I answered “Yes, I do.”30
“Then come in and be welcome.” Melnara stood to the side and I entered the house. She closed the door behind me. 31
I looked around and the sitting room was to my left, on my right was the living room. I saw that her tastes were very random from everything having a big screen TV to an old spinning contraption used for sewing. I raised my eyebrow at the aquarium that she had. It was at least 10 feet long and covered the wall that separated the living room from the kitchen that was farther in the house. 32
Melnara’s hand cupped my chin and brought me to focus on her. Her eyes were sparkling like little diamonds and she drew me down to her lips. Her kiss was like drinking the sweetest wine and I drew her closer to me in order to drink more of that kiss.33
Sadly, she drew away and she held a hand to my chest. “Give me five minutes and then follow me up the stairs. Go all the way up and you will find yourself in the attic. If you truly wish to find yourself, meet me there, otherwise you can leave. Just know this: if you leave, you stay as you are, incomplete but safe. If you follow me, you may find life to be different in all ways.” She turned and walked up the stairs. 34
I sat down on the couch and really thought about my decision. I really did want to find out about myself and my heritage, but would it be worth it to know? 35
Shaking off my doubts, I vaulted up the steps and arrived at the attic door. It was closed, but I knocked and hear Melnara’s voice drift from within “Enter.”36
I opened the door to find myself blinded with light. As my eyes adjusted, I saw a big saucer bowl about one foot in diameter sitting in front of her and it was filled with the clearest water that I had ever seen. She gestured for me to sit opposite of her in front of the bowl.37
“I’m glad that you chose this path and your answers are located in the water. I need you to take my hand,” she said, reaching forward with both hands and we looked into each other eyes and then down at the bowl. 38
The image of us reflected was only there for a minute until the cave from my dreams appeared and I felt myself getting sucked in. I tried to fight it, but it was like a tidal wave was pushing me along, out of control. 39
I found myself on the rock floor of the cave and I groaned “Not again”40
I heard a female laugh and I looked up to see Melnara sitting in the same position as the woman in my dream. 41
“Why are you here in my dream?” I asked, clearly confused. 42
“Lanis, I have been visiting you in your dreams for the past year, readying you for the truth that you have to accept.” Her eyes were luminous and glowing blue. They were beautiful and yet scary at the same time, as if they held a feral intelligence.43
“You’ve been the woman in my dreams. No wonder why you looked so familiar at the tavern. What purpose is this dream?” I asked, agitated and angry.44
Her lips curved into a small smile. “I understand and apologize for your confusion and agitation. I didn’t expect your ‘other’ nature to grip so hard, but then again, you are a child of Poseidon and Fae.” Her lips curved even more in a grin. “Poseidon always was a hard taskmaster.”45
“What?” I stumbled back and found the wall of the cave with my hands. Poseidon and Fae, how was this possible?46
“I know that this is a lot to take in, but you are a descendant of Poseidon and Fae. Your abilities are there, but stunted and they need a catalyst to make you aware of them and I know just the thing.” She smiled and stood. Her full nudity made me blush and look away. 47
She cupped my cheek and brought my face to hers. “Don’t let my nudity embarrass you. I’m not, because it’s my natural form and the most pleasing to look on. Please follow me.” 48
She led me into the pool and held me in the center. She glided around me, her breasts just breaching the surface of the water. “Now, let go of everything that you know, everything that you doubt and everything that you fear and embrace the water as a lover embraces their other half.” 49
She held my arms out and I felt the water flow through and enter my veins. The sensation was so strange that I resisted and then I remembered what she told me. I let go and the water ran through my body and I felt that I was drowning until Melnara kissed me again. 50
She breathed life into my body and I felt my body sing at the contrast between the two. Eventually, the water flowed out of my body and I could breathe again on my own. I grasped her face with my hands and kissed her in gratitude and she released my lips and I opened my eyes. 51
She was lit with sparkles and her hair took on the color of the pool and she looked even more beautiful with my newfound vision. I looked around in wonder as I saw with utter clarity, the gems in this cave and the magic in the air. It was subtle, but it was there.52
I turned to Melnara and I knew that my eyes held wonder because she laughed and I could hear a tinkling of chimes in her voice that I hadn’t heard before. “You will find that life will be vastly different than what you were used to before. Welcome to being a Faerie.”53
And with that, I came back into my body and we were sitting as we were, back in the attic.54
Melnara looked at me and said “I have been waiting for you to find your heritage for quite awhile and I know that you will handle it fine.”55
Since then, everyday has been different, but I’m glad that I found out about my Fae heritage and see the world as it’s supposed to be seen.56
Author notes
A Water Faerie, though that you might enjoy it.
A contest entry
- Fantastical Fairies by Lady Pixie.
400 points, ended August 26, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Well, well, well, if it isn't another good piece from your pen, Mr. Sunshine. I'm not surprised to find it so beautiful. In a few places, I was even able to put down my editorial pen and just enjoy, without even thinking of going back...almost like I was enchanted. Indeed I was!
I thoroughly enjoyed the world Lanis was brought into when he slept. Also, the part in the attic, whenever he was able to realize who he was, was really beautiful too. I would indicate somewhere when you're telling us about his job working with the animals at PetSmart that he loves water or something.
As for her, mysterious Melnara, I would simply indicate a few things here and there about her character...although some readers will probably love how mysterious she is.
Awesome piece overall. I wish you all the best in the contest.
Suggestions and whatnot:
Par 3: I race down the tunnel and I [delete ‘I’] come to a sudden stop at the end. / The jagged rock gives the cave a menacing visage and a pool on the far side of the cave stretches out the entire length of the cave, but neither of those things catches my attention than the woman with long aqua blue hair sitting with her bare backside to me. [The jagged rock gives the cave a menacing visage and a pool on the far side stretches out the entire length of it, but neither of those things catches my attention more than the woman with long aqua blue hair sitting with her bare backside to me.]
Par 4: As I was nearly at her back, she raises her head and a single drop of water falls on her forehead and rolls down on her hair. [How can water roll on your hair? Perhaps ‘rolls into.’]
Par 5: As the raindrops rolls [roll] down, it makes it [a] sparkle and shimmer until it comes alive and looks like a thousand flowing rivers.
Par 9: As I look into her face, it becomes blurry, but the one thing that I do notice is that her eyes are the water when the moon is above it and it entrances me into a stupor. [As I look at her face, it becomes blurry, except her eyes, which are the color of water when the moon is above it. I become entranced.] She raised [raises] a hand to my cheek and it feels like warm water from a shower.
Par 12: I find a lot of peace in my work, but lately that has been disrupted by that dream keeps coming up and once, I found myself nearly head first into an aquarium because I saw the woman’s face from the dream and wanted to get a closer look. [I find a lot of peace in my work, but lately it has been disrupted by the dream. Once, I nearly collided head first into a fish tank because I thought I saw the woman’s face from the dream and wanted to get a closer look.]
Par 16: I looked up at his face and I [delete ‘I’] saw his eyes go wide with awe and his face go slack jawed. [I looked up at his face, saw his eyes widen with awe and his face go slack jawed.] I swiveled to see what he was looking at and I joined him in the awe looking [awe-looking] department.
Par 17: Her hair was black, except for when [except when] caught in the light from the ceiling, [;] it held nearly every color of blue from bright blue to dark blue [bright to dark blue] and back again.
Par 18: She sauntered up to the bar and asked for a [an] apple martini and then a fresh glass of cranberry juice.
Par 19: I came to sit down beside her and asked [,] “So[,] not to be blunt, but what’s a fine beauty like you doing here?”
Par 20: She caught my gaze and it felt as if her eyes went from navy blue to bright blue [navy to bright blue] that the ocean of the Caribbean shows and then to a dark murky black with a tinge of moonlight reflected in their depths. Then, just like that, her eyes were back to their normal color and she put down [delete: down] her apple martini on the bar.
Par 24: “Wait, Melnara, won’t you stay for a little chat and good company. [?]” I said, [It’s already clear he’s speaking.] turning on my charm.
Par 25: Robert piped up from cleaning off the bar[,] “No kidding, ma’am. He’s been timed and has been known to make even the most pissed off man laugh in that time. He’s truly got a gift with laughter,” [.”] he [He] chuckled and went to serving other customers.
Par 27: She smiled seductively and [,] before I knew it, she was tugging me along and we were walking towards her house.
Par 28: We arrived at her house about fifteen minutes later and her home was a red brick colonial with a stone stairway to her front door. [delete ‘and her home was’ replace with a comma before ‘a red brick colonial…’]
Par 30: I didn’t question how she knew my inner questions about myself, but I answered[,] “Yes, I do.”
Par 32: I looked around [:] and [delete ‘and’] the sitting room was to my left, on my right was the living room [, and the living room was on my right.]. I saw that her tastes were very random from everything [from everything???] having a big screen TV to an old [,] spinning contraption used for sewing.
Par 33: Her kiss was like drinking the sweetest wine and I drew her closer to me in order to drink more of that kiss. [delete ‘that kiss’ ; replace with ‘her’]
Par 34: Sadly, she drew away and she [delete: she] held a hand to my chest.
Par 35: I sat down [delete: down] on the couch and really thought about my decision. I really did want [I wanted] to find out about myself and my heritage, but would it be worth it to know?
Par 38: “I’m glad that you chose this path and [delete ‘and’ replace with ‘;’] your answers are located in the water,” she said, reaching forward with both hands and we looked into each other [other’s] eyes and then down at the bowl.
Par 40: I found myself on the rock floor of the cave and I [delete: I] groaned[,] “Not again[.]”
Par 41: I heard a female laugh and I [delete ‘I’] looked up to see Melnara sitting in the same position as the woman in my dream.
Par 55: Melnara looked at me and said [,] “I have been waiting for you to find your heritage for quite awhile and I know that you will handle it fine.”
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Overall - a good story ...
The Good:
Honestly, I believe this was a very good story. My favorite part: the concept. The ending really surprised, because I could NOT have imagined that and it was quiet a pleasant, unexpected twist in the story. A very unique idea, which was nicely executed throughout - from your introduction to both major roles through the dream, to the ending.
Some of the imagery and descriptions were like - whoa! Really neat and really nice. I like how you steer away from common cliched phrases without 'trying too hard' - mostly when people create their own phrases, they fall flat (including me) but you did really well with that ...
In contrast with your previous story about the demon-woman from the forest, I think this one was more well-written, original and progressed wonderfully!
The Criticism:
Once again, perhaps this is just me but like the previous story I read, I thought Lanis was well-characterized and then there was Melnara. I think she held no weight - just a seductive, angelically beautiful lady ... I would love some more reflection on her inside ... her personality ...
In my view, one of the most disconcerting problems (ane certainly the most recurring) is the flitting between past and present tense:
for example, in P36:
but I knocked and hear Melnara’s [knocked is past tense, hear is present - I think it's best to stick with one!]
There are various examples as such ...
The Suggestions: [mainly nitpicking]
P3: tunnel opened [opens - you have are using present tense
] up to a cave that could
P9: her eyes are the water when the moon is above it and it entrances me into a stupor [beautiful imagery]
P12: but lately that has been disrupted by that[the] dream [that] keeps coming up and once, I [even] - I felt the sentence missed some words ...
P18: stunning and very beautiful [del: and very beautiful, it seems excessive]
P23: and then told Robert thanks for the drink. [and than thanked Robert for the drink]
P32: were very random from everything[del: everything] having a big screen
P51: She breathed life into my body and I felt my body sing at the contrast between the two. [again, beautiful decription]
Ah, anyway, thanks for an enjoyable read! Great work on this, overall!
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Oh, and thanks about the past and present tense
I will correct that asap.
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Thanks!
Yeah, you are right about not giving the female character any more life into her, but coming from the male's perspective.. it's hard to imagine their motives unless the storyteller tries to show the story through both of their eyes... which is possible, but ruins the experience for both the main character and the audience.
Any suggestion on how to "flesh" her out?
Thanks,
DarkOneShadow
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What a great story, it kept me right there as though I was standing next to them listoning on their conversation. I liked your introduction, (The dream starts off always the same) And then you go straight into the story.
Your use of imagy was good as I've mentioned it was as though I was right there with them.
I liked the way you introduced your main characters, there are a few things, in paragraph 12
You say (I got dressed and hop on the bus)
Did you mean (hope onto the bus or hopped on the bus)
(I head the fish department) did you mean (I head for the fish department) or (I headed for the fish department.)
Paragraph 16 maybe you could reword it slightly.
I really enjoyed reading this story I would love to read more maybe on how his life has changed some kind of adventure, turn it into a series of adventures.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Very Good
Dreams can drive you batty, sometimes they are so close to true
and can stay with ou for days,the repeating ones surely have a definate meaning. This is a very enoyable read with just enough truth to make one wonder.
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Deanna wants to read this too, but I got ahold of it first and I loved it! Especially the beginning, I could see EVERYTHING, I could even hear her voice, but I tend to do that with characters, lol, how they sound all depends on how the writer writes it and she had a lovely accent. I mean I was EXPECTING it to be good, but WOW!
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Well, quite honestly, this was good. I enjoyed the story you brought out with this and it almost seems as if you could even continue this into a series if you were to choose to.
Many great descriptions throughout here that easily gave the reader a visual image of the people and places. Emotions through the dialogue was well played as well.
Some suggestions I'd like to offer if you don't mind:
“Lanis, you are a lost soul looking for belonging and you will find it soon enough, but for now, return to the mortal world. You will find your place soon enough.” (p 10)
You have 'soon enough' twice one sentence after the other in this paragraph and although it's not entirely wrong, I would suggest trying to use a synonym in the place of the second 'soon enough'.
Like for example: You will find your place before long.
It is only a suggestion though
“Wait, Melanara, won’t you stay for a little chat and good company. I’m sure that I can make you laugh in five minutes or less.” (p 24)
Melnara
Also, several places with your dialogue when you'd do this:
“No kidding, ma’am. He’s been timed and has been known to make even the most pissed off man laugh in that time. He’s truly got a gift with laughter.” He chuckled and went to serving other customers.
turn the period after 'laughter' into a comma and then lower case the 'H' in 'He chuckled...'
There were a few places like this throughout the passage. Anytime you have dialogue with action following it (he said, she said, he laughed, she cried, etc.) and there's not a question or exclamation- use a comma instead of a period.
I hope that helped you and that you don't mind my constructive review.
I did enjoy this and I'm curious to know if you are planning to make this a series of sorts? I would like to learn more about the characters, and the names are lovely.
Good job and thanks for entering 'Fantastical Fairies'!!
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