Writer’S Block and the Demolishion Thereof

WRITER’S BLOCK AND THE DEMOLISHION THEREOF1

Writer’s block is a royal pain in the dorsal aorta. It is a cause of stress, irritability and general bad vapors. I start many stories but only get a few words in. 2

The other day I attempted nine different starts: - Four ‘the’s; two ‘and’s; two ‘but’s; and a Cecil (although that one was never going to get anywhere) but hit the block after only a few sentences. I had bitten my nails to such an extent that I had even started on the wife’s. I tried deep breathing but got all light headed and fell off the chair. I tried just typing whatever came into my head without looking down but only got as far as “dhfkuawytrfoa4ylhwbfckzsd” which I do not think of as an auspicious start to a literary masterpiece. 3

Points and trophies beckon, the plaudits of my fellow wordsmiths lie tantalizingly close but oh so far away alas and alack, what am I to do?4

Time to take the cure, time to kick back and chill out, my cure for the writer’s block is as follows:5

• Stick two fingers up at the one eyed button box. Show it your contempt, you are bigger than it so it cannot win.6

• Blow a loud raspberry at the ‘word’ program. It will be too shocked and scared to answer back.7

• Collapse in a heap into your favorite easy chair.8

• Put on some relaxing music. This needs to be your favorite slow music, something with a beat or rhythm slower than your own heartbeat (at least to start with). I like Bach’s ‘air on a G string’ or if I am not in a classical mood then ‘Avalon’ by Roxy Music. I have many tracks I enjoy that are too numerous to mention but they are all slow(ish) and help me to mellow out. Lyrics are important too, nothing depressing or likely by wrote or by connection to bring me down. I am not wallowing in emotion, just relaxing. I let the music take me and I let my mind go ‘walkabout’, I let it go wherever it wants that is not depressive or stressful. Sometimes I just concentrate on the tune and listen to the perfection of the notes and harmonies … yeah man… just go with the flow… coooool. Eh! Sorry, just got a little carried away, sorry ’bout that.9

• Hem! Hem! Where was I? What? That’s not supposed to be a point.10

• Nor is that!11

• Or that. Bog off computer and stop mucking about!12

• Thank you; now back to the subject in hand.13

• Once calm and relaxed I read a poem or book passage that really knocks my socks off. Something that inspires or excites me. I read T. S. Elliots poems from ‘The old possums book of practical cats’ or ‘The raven’ by E A Poe or a bit of Tolkein’s ‘Lord of the Rings’ or one or more of many passages from books I have enjoyed. I let their images fill my imagination.14

• Make a cup of tea (or whatever your favorite non alcoholic beverage is)15

• Grab some chocolate and consume same.16

• Now return to the workbench – it’s time to write.17

I have shown this infernal machine who is boss. I am relaxed from the music; inspired by the reading material; refreshed by the tea and happy because of the chocolate (it causes the release of endorphins into the blood stream – endorphins are the hormones that cause a ‘feel good’ sensation). Now I write. I write anything, not necessarily what I intended to write or what I was already writing but whatever comes into my head. It could be a short story plan or even the whole thing, it could be a rant or a pretend letter to someone telling them I love them and saying all the things I do not have the courage to say to their face or total slang off of someone who is a total tit or even a shopping list for a hero about to go out adventuring:-18

One large sword, 19

one shield, 20

one large solid lumpy thing with nails in the end,21

one instruction sheet on what to do with a large solid lumpy thing with nails in the end,22

one toilet roll,23

one sleeping bag,24

one bow,25

one dozen arrows for same,26

headache pills,27

band aids,28

etc.29

This usually works for me. I can get going again and write my Booker Prize winner … or not … well lets face it, I am chuffed to the knickers to get an Honorable Mention. 30

I do not know if this will be any help because I only know what works for me. I am, by nature, a chaotically minded eccentric with the concentration span of a flounder and I write in ‘stits and farts’ oops, I mean ‘fits and starts’ – oh I don’t know though - . 31

Anyway that’s my method. Basically de-stress, chill out, reload, and return. If this does not succeed then I give up and go watch TV or play computer games … or even talk to the wife… Seriously though my wife is a source of endless encouragement so if you have a family member or friend to whom you can speak then share with them and talk it through, this can be very cathartic. My daughter, who got me onto this sight, (Glowstarcharmer) is also a great help.32

So there you go, the Tomereader Patent Cure for Writers Block, available at all good asylums, just send a small gratuity care of: The Bide-a-Wee home for distressed short story writers. Good luck.33

And may the wrecking ball of inspiration descend upon your writer block from a tremendous height.34