I now understand. (part two of five)

And so I went on to grade five. By now, some people began talking to me, but I never trusted any of them. I still concentrated on my studies, but this time, I had some friends. Then, in term three, I was told by my parents that I’d be moving away, to the Gold Coast. Back then, I thought the world was punishing me. During grade four, we had moved houses to another street, less than half an hours walk from my previous house. This is the house that had the garden I loved. Being an avid believer in fairies since about the age of two, that garden was like my own private sanctuary, and I was crushed that I was leaving it behind. This is when I believe my depression would have begun, at least the warning signs.1

We moved to a suburb called Coomera, and I attended Coomera State School, about 3 months before the schools population tripled. I made few friends and I was one of the smartest, I even won the Grade Five, Academic Award. A lot of things were different compared to Toowoomba, things like weekly parades, learning structure, even the language (noth English and the 2nd language we learnt in class.) One of the biggest things, in my eyes, was how easy it was to become a best friend, and an enemy...2

This is when I understood what cruelty meant.3

The other students were cruel, plain and simple (especially compared to Toowoomba). Grade six was pretty much Hell, in the truest sense. My friends from the previous year weren’t friends any longer, except for one person. Jessica.4

Jessica remained my friend and became my best friend, my first since Julia. The only sentence I can think of to describe her was: ‘When the world glared and scowled, she smiled.’ We used to walk all around the school, and when she went to go play hand ball with the other girls, I sat out, knowing I was not welcome. But every time, halfway through the game, she left it, just so I wouldn’t be left alone, sitting by myself, watching on. I finally trusted another person.5

Sadly, during term three, she told me she would be moving, to Brisbane. I thought that Fate was once again playing another cruel joke on me.  Halfway through term three, she left, and I never heard from her again.6

This is when I understood Grief.7

The end of term three and term four, were the worst months of my life, far beyond anything that I’d experienced before, with no one showing kindnesses, only receiving pain.8

I now understood Hopelessness.9