I now understand. (part one of five)

I used to think the world was perfect. Everyone did everything right, and that there was never anything called a second chance, because no such thing was needed.1

But that was before I could understand such concepts like greed, envy and most of all, Hate.2

When I was growing up, I used to say “I hate this” or “I hate that.” My Mum used to always reply “You don’t hate anything.” (To which I’d just say “Fine, I really, really dislike… blah, blah, blah.”) Back then, I knew what hate was, but I never truly understood the concept, it was the same with things like violence, depression, even desperation. I knew what they all were, but I didn’t fully understand.3

I grew up in Toowoomba, Queensland. A picturesque town, made up of pleasant houses and bright gardens, the ‘Garden City’. But also a town where everyone kept to themselves and true best friends were rare.4

I went to Darling Heights State School, at the other end of my street. I rarely got tuckshop and I never broke the rules. In pre-school, I met Julia. We became best friends, and all the way up to grade four, we were in the same class. I grew up as a ‘Teachers Pet’ always getting good, if not the best, grades.5

As I went through grade two, I suddenly felt an indescribable need to beat Julia, (she was starting to get sick of me by this point). So I tried my hardest, I pushed myself, with the simple need to do better. And so I took up the title of ‘Nerd’. I pushed myself so hard, that even to this day, I still find the need to be the best, to beat Julia... even though she is now only a memory from my past.6

In grade three, Julia finally got sick of me. She began spreading rumours about me and my two sisters (both older than me). And with Julia (as well as her older sister who was in the same grade as my eldest sister, Rachael) being popular, everyone took her side, and so, I then became an ‘Outcast’. After all, who would want to take the side of the nerd over the popular kid.7

In grade four, with so few friends (none I could remotely trust) I learnt how to rely only on myself. I never expected from others, only ever myself. I threw myself on my studies, with nearly no friends and nothing much else to do, my school work was all I had. I became one of the smartest students, but I was lonely. But at that time (I was only 8 years old at this point) I didn’t mind so much, most people had stopped with the insults and such and people just left me alone. 8

This is when I fell in love with nature. I spent large amounts of my time outside in our small, yet almost magical garden. Catching lizards and imagining all types of fairies and elves living amongst the branches.9