Don's All Night Steak & Eggs

Anyone who walked into Don's All Night Steak & Eggs was usually smacked plum over, at first, by the smell'a somethin' sizzlin'. There'd be a steak 'r a chop on the grill, or otherwise there'd be an egg fryin', or a waffle in the iron, or some other what-have-yous, an' it was that way for every second, from the time I turned on that sign on our first day, to the moment the ol' shack burned down, couple days shy of a month later.1

But smells is nothin'. Smells is easy to recall. I sure remember what it smelled like the day'a that fire, but I remember a lot more'n that too. I remember everything like it was goin' on right now, where yer sittin', 'cept it ain't. It was three years past, the thirteenth of June a little after three o'clock in the Ay-Em.2

There was three folks sittin' at the bar up front, an' among 'em was Emmett an' Avery, them two old fellers what's always with one another, on account'a their womenfolk both left 'em. They was sittin' there at the bar, eatin' hash browns and knockin' down coffees, talkin' about what the Hell them folks at the Heinz company are puttin' in ketchup these days.3

The third feller was Nicolas O'Brien, just elected right on outta the office of the mayor. Ol' Nic was drunk as a skunk when he showed up, what with his blue suit all ruffled an' loosened up, an' his hair all knocked 'round, an' he was goin' on about who-knows-what an killin' some black coffee, tryin' to look sober an' doin' a real dumb job of it.4

There was a quiet couple in the backest corner, they was both havin' a waffle to each of 'em, an' it sounded like they was also havin' an argument, but ain't any of us felt like interruptin'. Anywho, I was washin' up some dishes an' listenin' to Emmett an' Avery.5

Emmett was starin' at that squeezey bottle an tryin' to read the ingredients through them big ol' specs he wears. They don't do him no good, but he was tryin' anyway. 6

"I think it says 'corn oboes', but I don't know what that is."7

"They cain't put oboes in ketchup, you old idiot" says Avery, pullin' up the bill of that trucker hat while grabbin' away the bottle. "It says 'corn apples'".8

Emmett looked at him like Avery had an apple fer a brain, an' says, "Well what in Sam Hill's name's a corn apple?"9

Jes' then Mr. Nic O'Brien goes a chimin' in to run it off. "You know it's these god damn kids. They don't vote for anything except who's gonna let 'em get away with stuff." He went a-swiggin' on his coffee, an' it dribbled down his chin an' all over his shirt, but he don't care. "Ain't got any morals or guidance, these good-for-nothing kids these days. I say we make every one of 'em join the army, like my dad did for me. That'll put 'em in line."10

Emmett an' Avery done glanced at him a little, then went right on back to what they was sayin'. I tried to clatter them plates up so as maybe he'd think I just didn't hear him.11

"Corn oboes don't make no more sense than corn apples!" say'd Avery, "I bet it ain't even corn, maybe it says 'coned apples'. That'd be a thing."12

Emmett shook his head, an started gettin' firier than a wet dog in a room where ya cain't shake yer dog. "Ain't no apples in ketchup. They got a tomato on the label 'cause that's what's in there. If'n there was apples, they'd probably have one of them too."13

There was a big ol' smack in the backest corner where that feller from that arguin' couple done slammed his fist on the table tryin' to get all tough at his wife. He peeked around at all of us to make sure we wasn't starin', then went back to what they were sayin' to themselves. I's pretty sure I saw him wearin' some sorta clown's makeup.14

"There ain't a picture of no god damn oboe neither!" said Avery, pointin' the ketchup bottle right up in Emmett's face. Emmett just glared a little harder at it.15

"I think," he was readin' as he said it, "I think it just says 'corn sips'. Yep, 'high fucktup corn sips'. Whaddya figure that is?"16

"And you know what else?" started up that high-talkin' ex-mayor, "I bet a lot of it is the black folks. Not a one of 'em ever votes, cause they don't bother to learn anything. They'd know if they looked it up, how much better they'd be with me cutting their welfare back. We've just gotta get these lazy, broke fucks a few real jobs." He belched real loud, an' I almost dropped this coffee mug what I was scrubbin'.17

It was jes' then that the druggie-lookin' kid walked in. I ain't never seen him in there before, but he sure did look all glad an' homey like to be there. He was all decked up in them rainbow dyed clothes, what with the big ol' shorts an' sandals, an' one of them great big rasta-ferryin' hats on, had all'a them knotty dreadlocks shoved up in it. Funny lookin' kid walked right up an' sat in the last seat at the bar, an' I walked over to 'im.18

I's just about to ask him what it'll be for drinkin' on, when he looks up through them big red eyes an says what for to me.19

"Man, I want some hash browns, hardcore. Gimme like six orders of hash browns an' a water. That's it, man. And a chocolate chip waffle. Two chocolate chip waffles. I want cheese on the, uh, on the hash browns too."20

He was smilin' all big like he just caught a rabbit, the whole time, too, like he was gettin' a back massage or somethin'. I went 'head an' got him the water he's lookin' for, and started up on cookin' all them hash browns. While I was facin' the grill, I could still hear them folks a-talkin' behind me.21

"High fucktup corn sips? I don't think yer glasses is a workin' right. It says 'high bucktooth corn sips'."22

"It's kids like YOU! You, wastin' all of your time smoking reefer and playing XBox that you don't ever get up and look at the place where you live anymore, you don't ever see what's going on! Don't you want a real job, kid? Don't you want to be somebody? My father was a damn hard worker..."23

"You cain't read no damn better than I can, ya crazy old sonbitch. Bucktooth's the dumbest thing I ever done heard."24

"DAMMIT, SHEILA, I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE! NOT WHEN I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN WITH HIM!"25

"Dude, I don't know what the fuck you think you're talkin' about, because you don't fuckin' know me. I just came from my girlfriend's house, where I smoked the fattest fucking blunt I've ever seen in my life, and then I fucked the Hell out of her. Do you have any idea how goddamn hungry I am?"26

"FINE! Leave! But Socko was a better lover than you could ever be! And he made better balloon animals, too!"27

"I suppose you're fixin' to say it's somethin' like 'fructose' or some other crazyassed con-try-ved new city word like that. Ain't nobody even knows what that stuff is."28

"OH, I KNOW your type. I used to go to school with 'em. Spend all day down in the locker bay smokin' doobies when the faculty was gone. I was a hall monitor, you know. I used to put pieces of shit like you in detention, because my daddy TAUGHT me right from wrong!"29

"Sheila, shut the FUCK up! The only reason you even showed up was to shove that in my face, wasn't it? Well now this stupid game is over. I'm ending it once and for all."30

"Fructose comes from fruit trees, you ol' fart, now sit down, yer causin' a scene."31

"Dude, you are annoying the fuck outta me. You lost. We get it. Now if I don't get some god damn hash browns in me to chase the fuck munchies, I swear to god I'm gonna double over and die all over your wrecked-ass suit."32

"Wackypottamus? What are you doing? NO! Put that down!"33

I heard some gaspin' an' some screamin', an' it was just then that I decided it was high time I sprunged around from the grill to see what was goin' down.34

That clown feller had done pulled out a flamethrower outta somewhere, an' he was lookin' at us like a bull that done got steered up with nothin' but a butterknife.35

"I'm gonna end this bullshit, Sheila! If I can't have you, neither can he, and neither can the rest of the world!"36

That funny lookin' guy went an' pointed that gun right at that pretty little girl, an' then an' there he pulled that trigger an' set her plum on fire. Her hair was a-blazin' like the sun, and you could hear her screamin' like a hot baker in the oven.37

Jes' then, the clown feller done disappeared, straight into thin air, like there wasn't nothin'. We all sat starin' at the girl what was on fire for a moment, an' then all'a sudden the blazin' just bursts on up the curtain next to her, an spreads all 'crossed the ceilin'. Sprinklers start comin' on, an' we all rest of us jes' rushed on out the front door.38

An' while we was waitin' for the fire department to show up, all I could smell was them hash browns.39

That there burnin' lady smelled just like hash browns.