“Violence erupted today in the West Bank as U.N. peaceworkers were attacked...” 2
“You must make a choice, my son,” said the Almighty. “Stay, or go back...” 7
“I...” 8
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“Violence erupted today in the West Bank as U.N. peaceworkers were attacked...” 2
“A new vaccine for H.I.V. was unveiled today, but critics say the drug...” 3
I floated... 4
“...Pakistan and India have declared war...” 5
above this maze of instant, horrible news... 6
“You must make a choice, my son,” said the Almighty. “Stay, or go back...” 7
“I...” 8
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“Violence erupted today in the West Bank as U.N. peaceworkers were attacked...” 2
“You must make a choice, my son,” said the Almighty. “Stay, or go back...” 7
“I...” 8
Author notes
This wasn't meant to be depressing or upbeat; it was meant to make the reader think. Granted, one can only do so much with just 55 words, but I think I did what I could. Of course, some honest commentary wouldn't hurt, as it would be nice to know if there's anything I could possibly improve on in this.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
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Uhhh...oooookkkkaaaaayyyyy
.
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Yeah, just keep being confused...I love you, too.
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Wha...?
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Oh...stupid being weirdness
Meanie...
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Well...I would have, except you didn't sound stupid, nor did you seem stupid; so there .
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You never said if it sounded stupid or not!!!
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I want a new CD deck for my truck
!!
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I want a batman playset!!!
This sounds incredibly stupid, doesn't it?
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Thanks.
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wow. that's all i have to say. wow
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It wouldn't have worked if I'd tried to word it as a poem. This was a story-contest; thus, I wrote it as a story.
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I enjoyed this!
I floated...
a simple and creative way to seperate the fore and the aft of the NDE experience.
Well done.
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i would say... less quotes, more poem than just like... a line. it's an extremely good concept, and it toys with my mind, the things you could do with it. i know you were limited to 55 words, but try one just for fun, and see what happens.
MaTT -
to be separated from the body and present with the Lord; but for your benefit I diligently work toward the goal...a paraphrase of Paul.
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Well, the lines are based off what you'd hear on the news, but they aren't directly from it; I put them in quotes so the reader would be able to distinguish between the news quotes and the dialogue set sometime in the past between God and the speaker, and the present when the speaker is talking directly to the reader, if that makes any sense.
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"Found Poetry" is just what this seems to be... lines from the news... or daily life combined to make poetry..
It means that the lines aren't necessarily yours, the style is... that you "found" them and put them together how you wanted to... -
What does "Found Poetry" mean, anyway? I haven't quite figured that out; at least, not right now anyway.
I've not heard that song you mentioned, but I'll check it out and see what it's like; thanks for the comment and applause. -
As Piglette said, I'm pleasantly surprised by this "Found Poetry"
It sort of reminds me of Simon & Garfunkel's "Silent Night/7 O'Clock news... that there is so much more going on in the world than what is right in front of you..
I have no suggestions, because they would probably expound on your 55 words and make them 500... and we can't have that...
Thank you -
Ohhhh yeah, your birthday's coming up in the next month or so, right? I'll be sure to wish you a Happy Birthday then, with about a billion hugs and some pudding cups...with tapioca, of course .
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I like floating..OH! THE TITLE!
hits self over head Wow, this is an example of me being exceptionaly slow without the lack of Yu-Gi-Oh and BTAS and Fullmetal and Ruroken.
Yeah...but I'd miss all the people that weren't dead...Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...it's hard. But once I'm dead, it's not like I can say.."WHOAH!! STOP!! I don't want to be dead now...maybe later, okay??"
What's new with me?
I saw a batman playset with Joker, Robin, Nightwing, Two-Face and Batgirl...and obviously batman...and I like the crazy fangirl I am...want it for my birthday under the masquerade of my brother can play with it. (he's 10)
Hmmm...BIRTHDAY!!!
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I have listened to the news on the edge of sleep, and this story brings that back to me: the way we hear snippets of the reports. The speeches at the end suggest a near death experience, in which people say that they are given a choice, and weighing everything, they return to do all the good they can to spite the evil of the world. I like this, good luck.
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Actually, I wanted this to be read with a bit of a surreal air to it; floating outside of yourself, I think, would count as surreal .
Anyways, thanks for the cool comment, as usual
. I think I'd miss everyone too, but at the same time, the Father would be there, as well as everyone I've ever known that's passed on, so it'd probably be a difficult choice to me.
Anyways, what's new with you??? -
Hmmmmmmmmmmmm...
borrows a tissue from the background
Wow...this made me think a lot...about life and death and those adorable batman playsets at KBTOYS that are like 24 bucks...and maybe Battlestar Galactica thrown in there for good measure.
This is hard to comment on...one, because it's amazing and two, because I didn't get it until the author's comment...but I like to be confused...so what's new??
You paint this frantic..."Which way?" picture...it goes well with the content...and it adds to the 'mystique' of the story.
Which is also really awesome...
(is this sounding repetitive???)
(yeah...I guess it is)
It's that whole debate thing...about which is better, and I'm not sure I know which is...I'd miss everyone.
Yeah, must shut up now.
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Lol, naw, I doubt any magazine would wanna print anything of mine .
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The idea was that, in this, God was giving the speaker a choice of whether to go back to Earth, to go back home, or stay with the Father in Heaven. For some, the choice is easy--they'd stay in Heaven, while others would want to go back to Earth in a heartbeat to live out the rest of their lives (I didn't have enough words to do it, but I wanted to give the impression that the speaker had been seriously injured or something). Still others would have a hard time deciding; they'd want to live with the Father, but at the same time, a love would've been cultivated for human civilization, no matter how corrupted it'd gotten; not because of the bad parts, but because of the good things about it, in the form of traditions, events, and people.
Edited on Sep 12, 12:52 because ''. -
This is absolutely perfect as it is written! The statement is powerful. The imagery is very interesting: brief, vivid, and even audible. In very few words you manage to unbalance and levitate your reader right alongside yourself. All the words and their placement form the impression this story makes on the reader. I think it's sheer genius. BRAVO!! You should check into submitting this piece to a magazine. I'm certain several would be interested. Sheryl
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yep is 55
The beginning of this reminds me of sitting in the car and searching for a radio station.. Every thing is a news story and they just seem to get progressively more dismal. I was not sure where you were going with this and as I read the ending I had to stop for a moment. One thing is that with God being omnipresent it hit me that all of these things are simultaneous to him and that only man has a chronology. They culd be all in one day or a thousand years apart.
I am still not sure where you were taking this and there is good and bad in that.
I want to thank you for making me think a bit, that has only happened with one other entry.
Susan -
The last couple lines are meant to represent past thoughts and exchanges in dialogue. The bit that's not in quotations is the speaker talking right now, whereas the line with God, and then the "I..." occurred in the past.
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Good idea! A found poem - so to speak. Definitely room to expand it as well. Are the last two lines from a particular piece? Particularly the last line "I..." It's in quotes like the news pieces, but it seems like it shouldn't be because it's part of the narrator's thoughts.
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My only suggestion is on saving space, so that you can maybe add more of your point. Examples:
You could remove the "as" in the first line and replace with a period. You could remove "but" before the word "critics" and so on. That way you could add more words like adjectives or qualifiers that give more detail. Just a thought. I know it tends to compact the story, but it does allow for more detail. That's what I do, but then again I always lose in these contests so maybe I'm not the guy to listen to, lol.
Edited on Sep 09, 5:02 because ''.
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