Really, Really

"What if- if, I decided to take a job offer in Indiana?" Julie said to me, that cold, winter day in January. It'd just be one sentence, one tiny, insignificant sentence, that'd wiped the life out of me. Almost immediatly, if felt myself gasping. "Jimmy," she sighed, "You know, that I won't let this come between us. That, we'll be together, whatever happens... right?" 1

"What?" I replied, trying to pull myself back together again. I was surprised that I'd even heard a word she'd said, but than again, I always listen to what Julie says... she had the voice of an angel. She was my angel, and now my angel was going away from me. My head was just hanging there, and I could swear that my stomach collapsed. My eyes were shut, as I tried to push this nightmare out of my head.2

"Because, Jimmy... I love you," she grabbed both sides of my face with her perfect hands, and kissed me. Just one, short kiss. "and I will never let go of you. No matter were I go, it doesn't make me love you any less." 3

I felt like a child. I know I should be taking this a whole lot better, but how could I? Julie and I have been sweethearts since the ninth grade, I've never been away from her longer than three weeks (when she took a vacation to Puerto Rico). How could I just let her go? I understood the fact that we would keep in touch, and that we'd still be together, but I just couldn't picture it. It felt like the world had just been divided in half, but that it was an uneven divide.4

I had to be the strong one for once. Through everything that Julie's been through, (her parents divorce in the eleventh grade, her mother dieing two years later, and than her flunking out of college her second year) she'd always been so optomistic. Almost as if she thought that it would get better, even though it never would. This time, it was my turn to be optomistic.5

I kept my head up, sat up straight, and got up off the concrete floor. Julie got up right along with me. She grabbed both my hands and turned me to face her. I had to fake it, because the truth was... I just wasn't an optomistic person.6

"I love you too, Julie. I understand that you need this job, and that this is a great opportunity for you." I hugged her, and when I knew she couldn't see, I took a great big sigh, and then let go.7

------------------------------------8

A week later she left. It was the most unpleasant moment in my life. I felt as if I'd just been slapped in the face by her, as if I didn't even matter any more. At first, I sort of denied it. I helped her pack her stuff, and I didn't even cry once. Pretending that she would come back from Indiana in a week or so, I happily helped her. 9

The day before the move though, it finally hit me that this was it. She wasn't going to come back, she might as well go find some other guy to adore. Julie was probably so proud of herself, thinking this up. She probably got tired of me after all these years, and was needing an excuse to break away. This was the perfect opportunity, and there was no way she was going to pass this up. 10

I acted as if I knew about nothing though, as I put all of her objects into the UHAUL car. I smiled a few times, and said that I'd miss her. Some times I even gave her a random kiss on the cheek. Don't ask me why I did, I just felt like I had to.11

When she plopped in the front seat of the truck, she reached down, and puckered her lips. Sitting there, dumb founded, I just walked away. I walked right back to my own car sitting there in the driveway, without a word. Not even an 'I love you'. Turning around in my seat, I saw a tear drop down my lovers cheek, as she turned the curb to her new life. Soon, I felt my own tears wet my face as well. 12

I hopped out of my small car, and felt myself collapse. Falling to the cold, hard floor, I didn't even care anymore. There was no reason to exist. The thing I wanted most in the whole world, would never want me back. 13

I felt the blow as my body forcively hit the ground, but I ignored it. I hardly even flinched. Just laying there, I soon got tired, and felt my conscisness leave me slowly.14

------------------------------------15

"I wish we could just leave this place! Go to some far away state were noone could find us, maybe even change our names!" Julie said, dancing around on her front lawn. She loved ballet. Sometimes she'd dance for me without even realizing she was dancing. 16

"Yah," I replied, walking towards her, trying to grab a hold of her arms to get her to stop dancing so I could talk to her, "that'd be amazing. I hate this town... I'd run away with you Julie, any time, any place." 17

Suddenly she stopped dancing, and instead of grasping her arms like I had planned, I clasped her hands tightly. She looked me in the eye, and then squeezed my hand quickly.18

"Really?" 19

"Really, really. I love you Julie... so much." I replied.20

That was the first time I'd ever said that I loved her, way back when we were just kids. When we had no idea, when I thought I knew what love was.21

----------------------------------22

After the accident, I'd let my life pass me by. The day repeated in my head many years after it happened, and it never seemed to lose clarity.23

"Today, at 7:45 this morning, there was a shooting at a small Dance studio in Red Tree, Indiana." The anchor man on Fox 2 News had reported. I'd just gotten off the phone with a good friend of mine from high school, he'd told me that Julie deserved better, that she was selfish, inconsiderate, and a fraud. Of course, everything he said was a lie in my eyes. "In the middle of an ballet class, the dance instructor pulled out a gun from her purse, and shot herself in the head."24

I'd sat there, speachless. I turned off the T.V with a slow click of the remote, and than sat as if I was dead, and watched the blank screen. Soon, I felt as if I'd memorized every part of that entertainment center that had ruined my life. From the way it was curved at the corners, to the huge power button on the bottom. Then, as I felt my eye lids close, I noticed a sheet of paper hiding out from under a picture frame of me and Julie. I'd never even noticed it was there until now.25

Standing up out of my chair, I burst into tears. I almost collapsed again like when she'd first left, but I didn't. I stood up straight again, and acted strong for her... even though I knew she didn't want me anymore. I grabbed the frame, not bothering to look at the picture, and sought for the piece of paper instead.26

Jimmy,27

You have no idea how much it hurts me to write this letter. Theres no other way to say it though, since I don't have the guts to say it to your face. 28

I need you. Forever. 29

So I hoped that you would have proposed to me when I told you that I'd be leaving to Indianna. You didn't. That really hurt me.30

I don't care though, that you don't love me anymore like you used to. I still love you though, and I hope that you'll forgive me for what I have done.31

I love you, I really, really do.32

-Julie

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 45 of 45

  • George W. Bush
    November 22
    ?
    Edit | Reply
    It was good, but it was missing so much of the Romeo and Juliet story. For example, I don't see the forbidden romance. It just didn't make me feel.. sorry.

    Alright, so first off... I have a hard time believing you're really fourteen...

    This is not only a very advanced sort of a story, but approached with an incredible degree of maturity, and perspective for a person of your age...

    The subject matter of all the ways we wind up hurting the people we love most is something that much more advanced writers (and most people in general) struggle with all their lives.

    So, cheers, for that.

    Oh, well haha this wasn't really supposed to be a prolouge!

    It's okay though, because I didn't really consider adding onto this... you got my gears turning! lol.

    I'll have to look into adding a first chapter now, thanks!


  • Farhan gold member
    November 17
    ?
    Edit | Reply
    Well, it was nice. I liked it. Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.
    Happy Writing.
    Farhan.

  • rustic
    November 13
    Edit | Reply

    twas okay

    I liked it as a short story outline. But, it just didn't make me feel like it was sad for some reason (though it really should).


  • Cold Wonder
    November 12
    Edit | Reply
    D===== omg!! that's .. DD==== no words to describe it! amazing!!


  • Mendedwings27
    November 12
    Edit | Reply
    wow i really like that story, its good.


  • Sonic Banana
    November 12

    Edit | Reply
    It was good, but it was missing so much of the Romeo and Juliet story. For example, I don't see the forbidden romance. It just didn't make me feel.. sorry.


  • KrazywithaK
    October 24

    Edit | Reply
    I agree with everything almost alex said, but copying and pasting it is copying. So if you want my opinion, look down. You'll find it there.
    Good Job!!
    ~Claire

  • almost alex
    October 23

    Edit | Reply
    Alright, so first off... I have a hard time believing you're really fourteen...

    This is not only a very advanced sort of a story, but approached with an incredible degree of maturity, and perspective for a person of your age...

    The subject matter of all the ways we wind up hurting the people we love most is something that much more advanced writers (and most people in general) struggle with all their lives.

    So, cheers, for that.

    If you want to edit this further, I feel there are a couple simple things you could just tidy up a bit to make it that much stronger.

    First:

    If you're interested in making this a bit longer, the parentheticals (like the one about puerto rico, and the one about her parents divorce, mother's death, and failing out of college) are all really good, meaty material... if you were to remove these items from just being throw-away lines in parentheses, to actually making them full paragraphs about what happened, you would be adding a great deal of weight to the story by showing us how the couple actual got through these hardships together, instead of just telling us that they did, and giving us a bunch of useless emotional descriptions (showing us instead of just telling us).


    further down:

    the transition from Jimmy turning his back on Julie at the uhaul, to the part with him falling out of his car doesn't make sense because youve forgotten to make time pass... does he drive the car home and then collapse, does he wait for her to leave? Right now it reads as if he walks away, gets in his car, then gets right back out and collapses... see how that is confusing?

    Also, how can he fall out of his car onto the floor? Did he drive it into the living room or something?


    I really like the flashback.

    The ending is a little bizarre... if you're committed to the suicide, thats fine... but it seems out of character for the girl you've created in Julie. Not out of character because she kills herself... but because she would do it while teaching ballet class. Probably 99.999999% percent of suicides are comitted in complete privacy... the other .00001 percent of people are either completely psychotic, or are trying to make a point. That she would do it in front of a class full of children makes her not only seem recklessly insane, but like the type of person with no disregard for the well-being of children, which makes her very unsympathetic.

    Also... backing up... one other awkward part. the middle of PARAGRAPH 24:

    I'd just gotten off the phone with a good friend of mine from high school, he'd told me that Julie deserved better, that she was selfish, inconsiderate, and a fraud.

    Why would Julie deserve better if she was a selfish fraud ... I think what you meant is that the friend is trying to tell Jimmy that he(jimmy) deserved a better person than Julie. But thats not how it reads right now, so you should probably fix that.


    All and all though, really good work. No negative comments about your story telling, just room to make it even better, and a few technical stumbles.

    beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 4.


  • Sickopath333
    October 13

    Edit | Reply
    I'm going to have to say this seems illogical. I imagine the two live together, so what is so impossible for him to move to Indiana with her; what is nailing his feet to the floor so that he can't just say, oh alright then, let's move to Indiana? It might be hard, but with you already having a job I'll be able to find something and we'll get through. And her reasoning is so cracked too. Since he supported something I obviously wanted or I wouldn't be putting this huge decision on his shoulders (moving to another state, or for whatever reason her leaving without him), that must mean he doesn't love me. So what, he should have fought tooth and nail and told her never to go, to let out his pain and emotions on her to force his will on her? Maybe this is love, maybe there's certain factors alluded to that make up the background which isn't enough for me to understand, but the piece doesn't floor me (the grammar issues and typos don't help either, just saying). I can see the emotions, but since it doesn't add up I can't take it seriously, so it doesn't touch or move me like it could. Sorry for being negative, it's a good write, but I can't say it's great or complete as is.


    • sabb.writer
      October 16
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks sooo much for a honest comment. To tell you the truth.... this wasn't a story I was focused on the time I was writing it. I had no idea were the plot was going or what was going to happen. I just wrote a sentence and added onto it in about a half an hours time. I was feeling kinda aggravated with some of the comments I was recieving on here because I felt like no one was telling me what they really thought.... although I did appreciate them! Still, thanks so much for being honest. I really would have gone back and changed all the spelling and grammer mistakes that people have been pointing out... but as you can tell I still haven't. I'm working on other projects at the moment and really haven't been paying to much attention on this one because it's just a little story I wrote. Again, THANKS SOOO MUCH!


  • goodwriter
    October 12

    Edit | Reply
    Par 1 - Grammar and spelling
    Par 2 - Grammar
    Par 3 - Grammar
    Par 4 - Grammar
    Par 5 - Spelling
    6 - Spelling
    10- Grammar


    And Plenty more continued on.

    All you have to do is copy it and paste it into word and it will tell you everything that is wron


  • chasingpavements
    October 6
    Edit | Reply
    Oh, wow. That was very emotional. Didn't make me cry, but it sure was sad. Keep up the good work!


  • billiejeanismyname
    October 1
    Edit | Reply
    wow this sure is dramatic


  • I am forever me
    September 22
    Edit | Reply

    wow

    this is sooo amazing great ending n so dramatic but sooo gud ur a great writer thankz 4 da story.
    always lana


  • BrumDubai
    September 21
    Edit | Reply
    Woah. Talk about dramatic.


  • Scarlet Akira
    September 18

    Edit | Reply
    This is a great Prolouge. You did an fantastic job on it. I'm really looking forward to the 1st chaoter. Please keep writting and always do your best........wow I just sounded like a tecaher. lol. Still its an awsome story, looking forward to seeing the plot.

    • sabb.writer
      September 19
      Edit | Reply
      Oh, well haha this wasn't really supposed to be a prolouge!

      It's okay though, because I didn't really consider adding onto this... you got my gears turning! lol.

      I'll have to look into adding a first chapter now, thanks!


  • MusicOfTheNight9
    September 13

    Edit | Reply
    i dont kno if you realized that this was in one of meh other contests... but anyway i loved it and am actually crying... finalist maybe even trophy...

    • sabb.writer
      September 18
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks lots for the gold trophy in your contest! I'm so happy that you enjoyed it! Congratualations to all the other winners!

    • sabb.writer
      September 13
      Edit | Reply
      Oh, ha ha sorry! As you may have noticed I entered this in a lot of contest so I don't really keep track! lol but thank you so much! It really means a lot to me that you cried... in a good way! Thanks for the comment!


  • Glitflyer
    September 11

    Edit | Reply
    There were pretty lots of errors but to be honest, your story is eally nice! Really sad but yeah, it is well written!
    The ending was unexpected..

    Great Job!!


  • wolfcub
    September 1

    Edit | Reply
    para 2: "than again" --> THEN again.
    "I always listen" - do you want present tense here? I can understand if you do, but it threw me a bit. It might sound better in past as well. But I'm not sure yet when the narrator is speaking in comparison to events.
    YAY! I just realised you are cross-writing. Like I do! I defs prefer writing from male POV. OK. Back to the critique!
    More present tense. I'm guessing it's deliberate then. Still don't particularly like it, but I'm pinickity about tenses.
    Not sure I like brackets in para 4. It might sound better to say "than THE three weeks" - it sounds like he was thinking about them a lot, remembering her absence or something similar.
    para 5: through everything that Julie's been through --> despite everything? the repitition of through is a bit odd.
    and again, the brackets would be better if they weren't there. I'd replace them with dashes - it's like an interjection still, but less intrsuive than brackets.
    Dieing --> Dying. (I think)
    I LOVE para 6! Awesome!
    and 9!
    aww. I'm almost crying at para 10 - although it IS late, and i'm tired!
    Not too keen on the last 2 sentences of para 11. At all. I kind of get what you're trying to say - he's gone into autopilot - but the way you've said it just doesn't sound quite right.
    para 12. I'm crying again. And lovers --> lover's
    para 13. Cold? Hard? A little cliched, isn't it? maybe the ground could be rough? uneven? still things that reflect his emotions, but more outside the box. And I'd ditch the comma in the last sentence to make it more forceful.
    para 21 is making me want to cry AS WELL! You are going to kill me! And suddenly I guess at para 23 what's happening.
    para 24. was soooo moving until i spotted that "Julie deserved better". No, didn't HE deserve better? LOL. But that's sooo sad.
    para 25. You put "than" instead of then again.
    para 26. "I almost collapsed again like when she'd first left". It justs seems a bit fumbly, not quite hitting home the message. Maybe "I almost collapsed as I had that terrible, when she'd left me...forever" As though he's realising - she didn't want to never see him again, but it ended up being that way.
    Also, would he not bother to look at the picture? If it's him and Julie? Wouldn't his eyes be too full of tears for him to see the picture clearly, but it's image is branded into his mind, there even when he closes his eyes? And then he wipes his eyes to read the letter.
    NO! The letter just isn't enough. It's too chatty, too thoughtless (I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just tired and very caught up in the emotion of this story!). Get rid of the "though"s. ...."I don't care that you don't love me any more. I don't care that we can't be how we used to. I still love you. I hope you can forgive me for what I have done. I love you. I really love you."

    But this was a really moving piece, and it's not often I say that, especially about this sort of material. It's not some trashy oh, my love is dead and it's all my fault, or anything like that. You had very few errors, and there wasn't actually that much could suggest revision for. And you kept my interest, which, with this topic, is something!
    Huge well done for this write, and I hope you can tweak just those one or two bits and get it absolutely perfect.


    Ooh, explaining ratings: beginning was perfect, ending I covered, characters weren't too detailed but still seemed very realistic. Maybe a little bit of description could be used. Plot was VERY good - release of information was perfect. I was wondering what would happen, would she find another guy or something, and then I guessed in just enough time to appreciate the truth. You had a couple of spelling mistakes and one or two askward bits, but your language was pretty good, and the dialog was sparse but perfect!

    beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 4.

    • sabb.writer
      September 2
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you so much! I did realize a lot of those errors in there! Such as Julie deserved better. Ha ha wow that was a big one!

      Thanks again!


  • DewDrop
    August 31
    Edit | Reply
    wow so sad, but very good. I loved reading it every moment.


  • ELFgirl12 silver member
    August 27

    Edit | Reply

    Please read the contest rules!

    I'm sorry, but it does not appear you have read the contest rules. I asked for you to inclued the genre in the AN, and I see none. I will have to DQ your story. Better luck next time!

    -Ellie (Rae)

    • sabb.writer
      August 27
      Edit | Reply
      Oh, I'm sorry! I remember reading that but I completly forgot when I was entering it until you said this... sorry! I'll remember next time! Very sorry!


  • Clary--Selene--Tayy gold member
    August 27
    Edit | Reply
    This was beautiful!!!Thank you for entering my contest


  • HeartSxAnDxStripeS
    August 26
    Edit | Reply
    That was such a sad story, but it was written very well and I enjoyed reading it =]


  • lesbian-in-love
    August 24
    Edit | Reply
    Thanks for entering and good luck!

  • leolord5235
    August 22
    Edit | Reply
    aw, that was really sad, I think. I got kind of confused, but I didn't really want a sad story


  • slyly annonymous
    August 22

    Edit | Reply
    That's so sad! It's cute but sad, and very emotional. The ending was so sad! It's a wonderful story but a very sad one at that.
    Great job =]


  • TightSocks
    August 22

    Edit | Reply
    NOOO... omfg. That was so sad.


    .. -sheds tear in rl.

    Bravo, forget the grammar mistakes. This was an awesome story. Short, too.. I loved it. The ending was so.. shocking to me. I didn't see it coming.

    This story caught my attention as soon as I read the first few words. That's what a good story is suppose to do.

    Brilliant!


    • sabb.writer
      August 22
      Edit | Reply
      Oh, thank you! These comments really mean a lot to me! Glad you liked it!


  • xxxskybabyxxx
    August 21
    Edit | Reply
    Wow.... that was... Amazing...

  • baconlicious112
    August 20

    Edit | Reply
    wow, that was a shocking ending. but amazing story. <3


  • Artificial.Smiles. gold member
    August 19

    Edit | Reply
    Well tha was an unexpected ending. I never thought she would kill herself, nor did I think she wanted him to propose. It's so sad that it had to end like that. It made me tear up a bit. It was a very tragic story.

    There was only one or two spelling/grammatical errors too.

    Overall it was a great story, I liked it a lot.

    Good Luck!


  • Wickedruby1 gold member
    August 19

    Edit | Reply

    Excellent

    This is a geat story,misunderstandings and unspoken words have caused such sadness for this one man.


  • CantYouHearTheDrums
    August 19

    Edit | Reply
    That was cool but I didn't get why she killed herself. Sorry, I think I might have missed it because I am really tired...


    • sabb.writer
      August 19
      Edit | Reply
      haha. its fine. i pictured julie to be kinda a 'overreacter'. ha


  • Elms Apprehended
    August 17

    Edit | Reply
    Awww, so sad! I loved the writing, and I really felt like I knew the characters. Great job!

    -Elms


  • BlueMoon16
    August 17

    Edit | Reply
    wow. That was... unexpected. but I really liked it. I'm like, in shock. lol. I can't think of anything to write... great descriptions!

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

  • MusicOfTheNight9
    August 7
    Edit | Reply
    OMG THAT WAS LIKE.. sooo unexpected! really good writing! its so sad that they misunderstood each other's intentions.... really great piece of writing! thanks for entering and good luck in my contest!

    Kudos,
    CreaterSk8er


  • Everpurple
    August 5

    Edit | Reply
    yes, that was awesome to read. Thank you for entering!


  • Donkey
    August 2

    Edit | Reply
    this was really beautiful, but terribly sad at the same time. the cruel twist at the end made my heart break; the emotino was so strong, and the brief descriptions of 'cold hard concrete' etc was a wonderful contrast to the in depth characters.
    thank you, and good luck!

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