Fire expanded rapidly in the hearth as Drew turned on the gas. The orange light filled the majority of the coffee house. Fortunately, so did the heat on this unusually cold fall evening.1
There were a few hours left until Drew could close up and get home. It had been a slow day and would be an even slower night.2
Drew was walking towards the back to grab his book when he heard the 'ding' announcing the arrival of a customer. Stopping mid-stride, he turned on his heel and entered the front portion of the store.3
At first he didn't see anybody, only the pale yellow walls covered in picture frames and the faint illumination of the fire off to his right.4
This cash register sat in the back part of the front room. He could see every part of the store from where he stood, and yet, he didn't see anybody.5
This occasionally happened, someone opening the door and then deciding not to come in. This time though, it felt as if Drew could feel someone there.6
"Nice Place," a female voice stated, making Drew jump.7
She stood next to the fire place in the corner of the room. He should have been able to see her with his peripheral vision, but somehow he had missed her.8
After he had calmed himself, he was again shocked by what stood before him. Her black hair looked smooth and soft, her tan skin adding to her dark complexion. As she moved gracefully up to the counter he saw her eyes.9
Beautiful brown eyes gazed at him. The deep brown irises reminded him of rich soil, capable of tremendous things, such as birthing a tree from single seeds.10
"Thank you," he finally managed to get out. He hoped he wasn't coming off as creepy or rude, but he couldn't rip his gaze from her. She wore a nice blue collared shirt with a belt across the middle. Her black skirt was fashionable and modest.11
Her clothes made his jeans and 'Bean's Coffee' t-shirt look bland.12
He moved back to the register and tried to casually ask, "What can I get you?" However, it came out a little forced and unsteady.13
"Just a black cup of coffee," she said with a little hint of laughter in her voice.14
"We have a great Colombian blend," he said, trying to get conversation going and failing miserably. Normally he was good with women, but this one threw him off his game.15
"I'll try it," she replied. She had a smile on her face. It wasn't a mocking smile, rather one you would see between two old friends.16
As he poured her cup she started talking again. "So, how long have you worked here?" she asked casually, doing a much better job at being so than he.17
"Three years roughly. I started when I began going to the university," he was speaking easier as he went along.18
He walked around the counter to where she sat and handed her the coffee. "How much do I owe..." she began, before he cut her off with a wave of his hand.19
"On the house," he stated, with confidence. The most he'd been able to muster since this woman had entered.20
"I'm Dania." She put her hand out towards his.21
"Drew." He said, shaking her hand and sitting down. Luckily, she didn't seem to mind.22
"I just transferred to the university, myself. I'll be taking classes to finish my English major."23
They continued to talk and were uninterrupted for the rest of business hours. After Drew locked up the store Dania stayed and they talked for many hours more.24
When she finally left, Drew couldn't wipe the grin off his face. Then he remembered he hadn't asked for her number. Grabbing his book dejectedly, Drew left and headed home.
In a list
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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very good, you could have added a scent in there describing dania and a mood like relaxing and calm features. another good read though.
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You can tell that Dania is an important character by the staging of this meeting. You really get a sense of how it's just the two of them and no-one else. This was emphasised by the way you accentuated the emptiness of the coffee house in paragraph 4 by missing out details about the picture frames and rest of the interior.
Paragraph 10 contains a great description. You've given life to Dania and given an insight to her personality without revealing too much all at once.
I agree with Seachelle, however. This piece is crying out for more description and details about what they spoke about. The plot is good but sometimes a reader can get tired of filling in the gaps.
Well done though. I look forward to the next part.
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Another good write.
Very good imagery, I could picture it very well. This shall get more interesting as it goes along. Very nice.
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Awesome story! Your descriptions of the woman were vivid and very good. Keep writing!
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Wow....this ish good! Realy good!
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Really brilliant so far. Waiting for the rest. Good Luck! :]
beginning: 5, ending: 5, characters: 5.
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This is really good. Definetly something that will get better and keep improving. Great job with detail. ~Alex
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I am hooked so far. This is going to be a good book, just don't rush to put stuff out there. Take your time and make it a great read and give us a great ending.
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I wish you would have written more, but that's just because this is quite a good read. I spotted a few things I'll point out here.
1st paragraph: could should be cold
4th paragraph: You don't need to add faint twice. Perhaps that was a mistake? I don't know, it just seemed redundant.
5th paragraph: The first sentence is slightly confusing. You don't want your reader to have to think too hard about the placing of the register. Make the descriptions easy to read.
6th paragraph: Change the to "this" in the first sentence.
24th paragraph: Change "talked for hours more" into "a few hours more" It just makes it more clear.
Last paragraph: "Grabbing his book dejectedly Drew left and headed home" Insert a comma after dejectedly.
Now that that's taken care of, we can focus on the plot. I really like the transition from the prologue to this first chapter. It's more upbeat and exciting because of the romance. I'd like to see more sentiment perhaps in the next chapter, more distinct and precise memories like in the prologue. That really made Drew's character come to life.
If you wanted to expand this, I think you should add more dialogue and specifics. What could they possibly have talked about for hours upon end? And if you don't care to write what they said word for word (which is usually not recommended), then write a paragraph what he learned about her or maybe describe the features he found attractive on her, other than her clothing and complexion.
I can't wait for the second chapter... You did great =)
Love you,
Seachelle
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