In Shadows Lurk

I hate my job.1

Raymond’s sigh echoed in the car as he drove down yet another desolate road. After seven years in the business, he was starting to feel like his only friends were the trees he passed on his way between strange towns. The life of a travelling man was not as glamorous as he had once thought. As a younger man, sure he thought a life of adventure and excitement was what he wanted, but now in his mid forties, he could see the appeal of a steady job in one locale. This life was lonely. But there was another reason for the man’s discontent. A reason more personal, perhaps more sinister.2

Raymond was being followed.3

He noticed it first during a 2 day stint over in Pitch Fork, Oklahoma. Raymond was giving a presentation to the town’s mayor and city council when movement in the far corner caught his eye. The rapid movement appeared as a smudge or shadow. He dismissed the prickling of his neck hairs as the result of exhaustion or a side effect of boredom and thought no more of it.4

Three days later, he saw the same shadowed movement behind a tree in the courtyard during a presentation for the townspeople of Sole, New Mexico. And the following week, the stalker showed up in a local café during breakfast, slinking near the bathrooms just out of view. As the days passed and Raymond travelled through towns and states, he began to recognize his tagalong everywhere he went. It seemed it was always there, lurking just within distance to be noticed and disappear in an instance. 5

Whatever was following him was damn good.6

A respite came finally for Raymond and he got to go home for a well earned vacation. Now, most people go somewhere else on vacation, but understandably for Raymond, he wanted nothing but the comforts and familiarity of his own home. His mailbox, his furniture, his oven, his bed …7

Ohhh… my bed. My wonderful, soft, bed. Oh, pillowtop mattress, how I long for you!8

His thoughts went on a tirade, spinning ridiculous sonnets and songs for his possessions.9

Perhaps it was the hope of a good rest that lowered his defenses so quickly. Reaching the high crescendo of his masterful “All a Man Needs is a Good Bed,” his voice caught in his throat. Not only was he being followed still, but it was keeping up with him on the highway! Every tree, every car, even the clouds above seemed to cast a sheltering shadow in which to hide. But how could it …10

His thoughts stopped in a screeching cacophony as he realized that he was not being followed at all. He was being met. And it was no person at all. It was the shadows themselves that leered at him from within themselves. Their grey eyes watched him mercilessly from every side, more and more coming out from the under the oppressive sunlight, and he realized that they realized he had finally caught on. Raymond knew he had little time before the shadow overtook the light and swallowed him whole. He pressed his foot down on the gas pedal and prayed desperately to get home before the night fell hard.11

*****************************
12

The car door slammed shut with ferocity and heavy boots pounded on the cooling concrete. A half dozen keys jangled loudly, fighting for space on the crowded sterling ring. The deadbolt screeched, exchanging one brass coffin for its twin. The door screamed wide as clothes shuffled together and a briefcase fell on the floor with a dull thud and the unfortunate frame whimpered as the door slammed shut again. Footfalls echoed through all the rooms of this dormant house as all form of lights turned on, awoken from their slumber by the clattering alarm of switches clicking furiously and muffled curses slithering angrily.13

And suddenly, silence. 14

Raymond stood still, pressed against the door, eye to the peephole, his hoarse breaths shattering the silence. It was still out there. He knew it. But he appeared to have eluded it long enough to get inside and banish any infiltrators. For now, he was safe, bathed in the artificial lights. The shadows could wait until morning.15

*****************************
16

“Mr. Glass! Please open the door. Raymond! Open up!”17

The voices had gotten progressively louder over the weeks. At first he tried yelling at them to shut them up, but his intimidation tactics were sorely lacking. The fear in his heart betrayed any authority he may have tried to portray. If this was a mental game, he was certainly the weaker opponent. He tried ignoring them, but they became more persistent as time passed and it nearly drove him insane. So he tried singing. He had learned many songs in his years and his mind was a time capsule playlist. He used this to his advantage, singing every song he knew from every artist he could remember. He sang for hours and days, until his throat was hoarse and no melody passed through into reality. But the songs continued to play in his mind, drowning out the persistent voices that invaded his space.18

That is how they found him.19

His dry lips moving in a silent song, cracked and bleeding without notice. He lay flat on his back on the floor, staring in the direction of the ceiling, but not seemingly recognizing visual stimuli. He was naked and had shaved himself completely from head to toe. Even his eyelashes had been plucked out and a brown crust of blood was in his nose from cutting out those elusive hairs. The previously carpeted floor was now a hard cement block. Every door shared by the room was closed and the cracks had been filled in with expanding foam which had hardened to look like a mustard yellow brain. There was no furniture in the room, no cushions, no fabric, no decorations on the wall… 20

Only lights; hundreds of lights. Christmas lights strung along the corners of the ceiling, bulbs protruding from a single remaining socket on what was once a ceiling fan light fixture, and floor lamps with multiple bulbs were everywhere, shades discarded. There was light from every side shining to every angle of the room. 21

There were no shadows in this room. Nor were there shadows in the next room to which Raymond was taken. He was safe now. In a clean, clutterless place where the doors were always locked and the lights were always on and no one told him he was crazy and he never had to travel again.22

Author notes

The primary color influence is grey, though I guess you could see white, too. For this, I guess I was seeing white as the absence of color even though that's not how it is in reality.

A contest entry

How would you improve the first half of this? I have trouble making it feel natural.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
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Comments

1 - 14 of 14
  • rustic
    November 3
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    Interesting read

    I think of grey as boring or indecisive color but you made grey seem more intereting Shadows and a madmad


  • Lady Pixie Greeters member
    August 7

    Edit | Reply
    Honestly, I'm not seeing need for improvement in the first half. I felt that it was good. It hooked me in and wanted me to continue reading... and that is always a good sign

    The descriptions that you used throughout gave good visuals and a creepy feel as I read through. I particularly liked the ending and thought it was a well done conclusion to an already eerie piece.

    Thank you for entering the contest!! I loved this!

    beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 5.

  • deop
    August 5

    Edit | Reply

    nice

    maybe instead of having a first line read off, you could compile this within the story. It might not break it up so much.
    It caught my attention, but the first line intros took me aside a bit. I did enjoy the story. Could even be an insanity of the mind we all face from time to time. I enjoyed the journey.

    beginning: 2, language: 5, plot: 2, ending: 2, dialog: 5, characters: 1.


  • Karbear12345 silver member
    August 5

    Edit | Reply
    u are the best ever i loved it u are so awsome i loved it omg i loved the begin when this part happened please be my friend u are sooooo awsome i need u to be your friend please

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • SoundInkMusic
    August 3

    Edit | Reply
    I didn't see any real issues with the first half; it had a different feel than the second half, to be sure, but that struck me as fitting. The beginning is a description of his (mostly) normal, day-to-day existence, and as such it feels fairly calm, until the reader learns he is being followed. The tone of the next part seemed to work as well; it had a suspenseful feel, more intriguing than truly creepy. The latter half of the story slowly lapsed into panic and desperation, which I'm sure is what you were going for. Really, I haven't much to offer by way of critique =) I saw nothing for you to improve in the first half, or the second. Grey was a nice color choice; black felt more instinctive, but on the whole I think grey suited the shadows better, and added to the sense of obscurity. Nice work =)


    • GenevieveJC
      August 3
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you so much for your comments. It sets my mind to rest that my intentions truly come through in the piece. I thought the first half was boring, but I guess that is a fitting mood to his day-to-day existence. I can see the appeal of black as a color theme, but since it ends up as white, I figured grey encompassed the whole gammut of shades in between. I didn't think of that until you mentioned it, though. It was always just grey and white to me, but black is definitely in there. Thanks for giving a new perspective on it. hehe


  • DecoDog
    July 31

    Edit | Reply
    hmmm, a very good introduction and altogether an interesting story. a couple of typos but that can be fixed. maybe try developeing the plot a bit further so the reader can understand what is going on. very good

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 1, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 4.

    • GenevieveJC
      July 31
      Edit | Reply
      Gah! Typos? I read it through several times and my husband did, too... how did we not miss them?? lol I'll run through it again today with a more critical eye.

      I agree that I need to develop it more. I'm still a beginner to this writing thing.

      Thank you!

      • DecoDog
        August 26
        Edit | Reply
        Hey it's all ok, even j.k.rowling went through all of this, it doesn't matter how you make the story, it's how you tell it and what it means to you. Good job


  • lil.janie
    July 30

    Edit | Reply
    Great story. Just great! I liked the way he's loosing his mind. It doesn't seem to be all of a sudden, but more slowly. Nicely done, really. And the transition from gray to white - you did it very good.


  • black lace
    July 30

    Edit | Reply
    My first impresion was of guy in a mental institution the words flow nicely overthe page. The plot is unclear to me. Perhaps a refrenceto the past or a foreshadow might show some improvement. If its natural you put yourself in the story and don't over describe it I hate that.
    -Aregato

    • GenevieveJC
      July 30
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for your comment and applause. At the end, he is in an institution. He basically believes that the shadows are evil creatures out to get him, so he locks himself in a room at home never coming out. The voices he hears aren't in his head, they're his neighbors and authorities calling him, but he thinks it's the shadows.

      It's supposed to be ambiguous and weird. lol Maybe too much?

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