A lone man stole across the dark plateau before creeping up the steps to the dimly lighted temple. He glanced around behind him, into the shadows warily, trying to peer past the murkiness of the night. A cool breeze stirred the fringe of his coarse shirt and he pulled his threadbare cloak around him closer.1
Inside the temple, a single statue stood on a high pedestal. Before this idol were plates filled with delicious foods- offerings for this god to feast on alone. Two rows of columns and lanterns illuminated the way to the marble god and as the man walked up the pathway, his worn shoes made timid patters on the mosaic floor.2
Quickly kneeling before the life-size statue, he murmured a fervent prayer before retrieving a small bundle of coins- his weekly wage- from the inside of his cloak.3
However, before he could deposit his offering on the table, a gust of wind blew through the temple. The merry light of the lanterns was extinguished and the man stood up, frozen in fright. The darkness was a heavy blanket, vanquishing all thoughts of confidence and safety in the man’s mind. Everything was silent.4
Then, suddenly, the wick of the lantern next to the statue was lighted again- a lone ball of fire, glowing in the darkness.5
“Who’s there?” The man asked, his quavering voice betraying his fear. “Show yourself!” Despite his brave words, he continued to back himself into the wall.6
A laugh echoed through the room. “So courageous, aren’t you, Litrell?”7
In one fluid movement, Litrell unsheathed his sword. “Stand up and face me like a real man!”8
The voice laughed again. “But I am not a real man, Litrell. I am much more than that. I know more things than any other man. In fact, I know that you crept here despite the orders of the government to seek sanctuary against the people who have been banging on your door, waiting for you to pay your debts.”9
“Reveal yourself!” Litrell cried, his hand shaking with terror, nervous that this mysterious being knew his motives.10
A single woman stepped out from behind the lighted lantern. “Do you see me now?” The sword fell from his grasp and Litrell stared in shock. “As you see, I am NOT a real man.” She smirked.11
Litrell immediately dropped to his knees and prostrated himself before her. “Goddess Phyra, please grant me your mercy.” He murmured as he kissed the hems of her robe.12
The goddess sneered. “Humans like you…” She paused before speaking again. “Actually, all humans, amuse me very much.” She gazed down at the cringing man before her feet. “Get up!”13
Litrell clumsily scrambled to his feet. “Yes, goddess. I am here to serve you.” He bowed lowly.14
Phyra laughed cruelly. “Oh yes, you are.” Folding her hands behind her back, she began to walk slowly around him. “So, Litrell. Has farming been good?”15
“Oh yes, very good. Very good, goddess.” Litrell said breathlessly.16
She stopped walking and jeered at him. “Don’t lie to me, I see everything, even if I am a minor goddess. Oh yes, farming has been good?” She laughed derisively. “I see you everyday, loathing your work, hating the fact that your hands are getting dirty from all that muck and your pale skin is getting burned from the hot sun. Ha, your work pleases you, Litrell?” She laughed rudely at Litrell’s silence.17
“Well, luckily for you, there is something else planned for you.” She stopped and looked at him intently before continuing. Afraid to meet her gaze, Litrell immediately shifted his eyes to avoid Phyra’s mocking grin.18
“I visited the prophet today…usually I don’t believe she says anything but lies…but today was different. Do you know what she said? She told me that you’re going to become the founder of a great nation- a nation greater than any other that has been conceived.” She paused to look at Litrell’s incredulous face.19
“How do you like that? Being a great king is better than is better than being a great farmer, isn’t it, Litrell?”20
She laughed crudely and Litrell joined in, smiling nervously.21
Suddenly she stopped and looked thoughtfully at Litrell’s foolishly grinning face. “You don’t believe me, don’t you?” 22
Litrell’s smile slid from his face. “What was this? Some kind of cruel joke?”23
Seeming to sense Litrell’s thoughts, the goddess began to laugh again. “No, this isn’t some cruel joke and I’m going to make you believe it.” She snapped her fingers and immediately, the balls of light sped back to the lanterns.24
Conjuring a piece of parchment and a quill from the air, she turned back to the astonished Litrell. 25
“Tell you what, I’ll make a deal with you. The problem is this- I’m tired of being a minor goddess. I don’t like it up there on Mount Olympus with Aphrodite and Hera and Artemis- and, oh yes, Athena with her nice new high and mighty Parthenon. I want to be worshipped like them, I want to be revered by all people. After all, that is what I deserve, don’t you think?”26
There was an awkward pause as Litrell struggled to think up an appropriate answer. “Why…um…of course, oh yes, beautiful and wonderful goddess! You do deserve to be worshipped!” He, once again, fell down to his knees and kissed the ground before her.27
The goddess snorted. “Sniveling brown-noser, I can’t talk to you properly with you groveling at my feet.” His ears flaming, Litrell got back up and waited for her to speak again.28
“So, here’s the deal.” She twisted her hands and before them, there was a glowing mist of clouds. Slowly the clouds parted and as he leaned forward, a picture became clear. Wondrous things filled his senses. He could almost taste that fresh wine made from crushed grapes, he could smell the sweet fragrance of the flowers outside the terrace of his palace, he could feel the soothing swish of the fan as a slave girl waved a large palm leaf, he could hear the tinkling tune of the lute, and he could see- oh he could see the beautiful glittering of the gold, in the palms of his hands, the wonderful bright yellow contrasting with his dark skin. Oh so magnificent, so glorious, he gasped in delight as he buried his hands in the fantastic piles of gold and heard the breathtaking chime as the gold hit the marble floor.29
But suddenly, it started to fad away. The wine, the lute, the flowers; he tried to grasp onto them but as they took flight, they were all gone. And the gold- the brilliant and beautiful gold- it slipped through his hands like flowing water the harder he tried to grasp them. 30
Then they all disappeared, all at once, and Litrell fell through the darkness before landing at the goddess’ feet again.31
“You like what you see, don’t you, Litrell?” She put one finger under his chin and lifted him up to meet her steely gaze. “It’s so much better than what you have now- all those luscious foods and beautiful rooms- and, of course, all the glistening, glittering gold.” She smirked and withdrew her finger, leaving Litrell scrounging at the floor again.32
“Well, guess what? You can have all that- yes, all that- when you’re a great ruler. And who’s going to make you a great ruler?” She watched and waited as Litrell pondered laboriously over the question.33
He turned his head and looked hopefully at the statue’s face before turning back to the goddess for her approval.34
Phyra’s devious smile faded from her face. “You fool! Not Athena!” she snapped. “Me! Me! I’m going to put you on a throne!”35
Litrell grinned sheepishly. “Heh…uh, I knew that.”36
Phyra snorted but she continued to speak. “So, I’ll give you all of that- and more. Beautiful women, military power, devoted subjects- all of that will be yours. But there’s a catch. I want worshippers. I want to be worshipped like Athena- actually, even better than Athena and Zeus and Hera. I want blood.” 37
She smiled again and for once, Litrell noticed how pointy and sharp her eye-teeth were. “I want sacrifices to me and me alone. Fresh young men and women- the eldest child from each and every household are to be sacrificed on my altar, in my temple every year.”38
“But- isn’t that a little cruel? It’s like those savage tribes, those barbarians! I am a civilized Greek- I will not commit murder for my own gains!” Litrell cried out.39
Phyra paused. “Oh yes…?” She stared unblinkingly into Litrell’s eyes. “Not even…not even,” she murmured. “…for this?” She spread open her arms and suddenly the temple went dark again. A prism of green light broke from the roof of the temple, their faces basking in the cold radiance. Slowly, the prism of light became bigger and stronger as it descended. As Litrell gazed around the temple, the statues that lined the walls no longer looked as magnificent as they were before, now that they were illuminated by this green spark.40
Finally, the green glow stopped in front of them and he could see that it wasn’t really a light at all- it was a diamond- the most beautiful, wonderful, fantastic, glistening- not to mention the largest diamond he had ever seen. It put all other beautiful things to shame. As Litrell gazed longingly at the large rock, he felt a tug in his heartstrings. “Must have- possess. Must be mine.”41
“Is it worth it or not?” Phyra whispered over his shoulder. “Is that not worth giving anything- everything up? Your mind craves for it to become your own- despite any obstacles. You must have it. Now, tell me, is it worth it?”42
Reluctantly tearing his eyes from the diamond, he looked, dazed, into Phyra’s face. “Please! Tell me! What is the name of this beautiful thing!?”43
Phyra smirked. “That is the stone of life. Anyone who possesses it has five hundred years of life. Wouldn’t you like five hundred years of life? Tell me, is it worth it or not?”44
“Yes, it is worth it all. Tell me- tell me how I can make it become mine. Tell me!” He said breathlessly as his bloodshot eyes bore in the goddess’ and she could see that they were filled with agony.45
He was totally in her hands now. Those stupid humans always did. Oh, was she loving this game!46
“All you have to do,” she paused and saw that Litrell was hanging on every word she uttered. “Agree to all my terms- everything- the sacrifices, the temple- everything.”47
Litrell nodded eagerly. “Yes! Yes! I agree to everything!”48
Phyra smirked. “Okay, then just sign here.” She pressed the parchment and quill into his hands.49
After eagerly grabbing the pen, Litrell pressed the pen to the parchment when he suddenly felt a prick in his heart. A small drop of red had come from the tip of his quill and landed on the white vellum of the paper.50
Hesitatingly, he put the quill to the paper again and slowly wrote an ‘L’. The red ink squirted out again and in shock, he dropped the quill. Gently, he pressed his hand to his chest. When he pulled it away again, he saw it was covered with a sticky substance- his blood.51
Sensing what he was thinking, Phyra smirked again. “Isn’t it nice? After you’re done writng your name, there’s a permanent etch of my scar upon your chest.” Her unpleasant smile grew wider. “Serves as a nice little reminder every time you get near to crossing the line. Well you don’t want to know the details, keep on signing.” And with her words, she grinned nastily and the quill flew back into Litrell’s hand.52
Gulping uneasily, Litrell continued and finally finished his name. When he was done, he unbuttoned the top of his shirt and, sure enough, there was an etch of his hand. Reaching over, Phyra carelessly brushed her finger against the mark.53
The fresh mark seared as she touched it and grew red, as if it was burning. An ache gnawed through his body and he doubled over until he was groveling at the floor again. Panting heavily, he lifted his hand and pressed it over his heart, over the mark. It was still the same. 54
“Really convenient- see?” Phyra remarked. “All of your children and grandchildren and so on will receive that as a birthmark. So if you or any of your family steps over the line, everyone gets affected. Everyone gets hurt. That way, it will make you think twice before doing anything. Really, it’s very, very, convenient.”55
Litrell smiled weakly. “Can I have the diamond now?”56
After snapping her fingers, the large diamond appeared in the goddess’ hand. She lifted it seductively in front of Litrell’s face and watched, amused, as the pupils of his eyes began to resemble diamonds.57
“Before I give this to you, I’m going to tell you what to do with it.” Litrell nodded eagerly. “You are going to build a statue, a great statue, one that is even larger than Athena’s statue in the Parthenon. You are to build it in the image of me, sitting down, with my hands outstretched. Build it out of the finest and best limestone and marble you can possibly get. And, in my statue’s hands, you are going to place this diamond- I’m warning you- under no condition are you allowed to remove this diamond from the statue’s hands- understand?”58
Litrell’s head bobbed up and down again, until the features of his face were almost blurred and his hands trembled with excitement as Phyra placed the rock in his upturned palms.59
Then, she snapped her fingers again and the temple disappeared. They were now in a stone quarry. Blocks of white marble and colored granite surrounded them.60
Phyra snickered. “It looks like you have a lot of work to do. And you’ve got five hundred years, just enough to start a legacy. I guess you have to start building!”61
Author notes
sorry that it's so long. don't worry- the next chapter isn't that long. i think.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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w/e. i'm starting a new story anyways.
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WOOOT! Is this the story I'm getting for christmas? Well MUAHAHAHAHA I have infiltrated your plans! Now I know the beginning of the story!!!! MUAHAHAHA
get your lazy butt up write more! christmas is in two months! -
Ah the power of temptation and greed. It's a beautiful and terrifying thing. Interesting choice of language in that it is so modern. Makes it more accessable for the modern audience.
Thank you for entering and good luck in the contest
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Pyria is one of the Greek myths I'm not familiar with. She seems kind of mean spirited and spiteful to me...but then again, half of what makes all of the Greek myths so interesting is that they are full of jealousy and rage and one-uppances and are basically early soap operas
Really good details (one sign of a good writer
) and storyline setup. To push things a little farther, I want to know more about Litrell...his part in this prologue raised a lot of questions. He must have family, right? No one can make a living at farming if they're doing it by themselves...they can barely get enough for their own mouths that way. And if he's so greedy, how did he settle for farming in the first place? He seems to be good enough at brown-nosing to get his way into some high faluting (that spelling is so awful, sorry
) family as at least a servant. But then, you will probably answer these questions in later sections. I'm curious to know how he actually becomes a king, and who his subjects will be. And I'll bet he ends up ruing his 500 year life long before it's over
That's an awful long time to live. I found it interesting that they, especially Phyria, slipped into our modern day speech and phrases on occassion, even though this takes place in ancient Greece. Anyways, all of this is just my attempt to help you look at your story from different angles, and maybe make it even stronger. It is really good right now, though, and I enjoyed the read quite a lot. Cheers to you!
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9/10
"After eagerly grabbing the pen, Litrell pressed the pen to the "-- it's not a pen
Other than that great story, amusing that the man was decieved into spending 500 years building something the goddess's honor, what you failed to mention however is how he actually becomes a king,not something important as it is not needed to get the point across but i thought i'd make not of it. -
thank you so much for that long comment!!! and i really hope you can write more on your story too!
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This is fantastic! I must admit, I am not familiar with the goddess Phyra, but still the story loses none of its gleam and allure.
Firstly, you are very good at creating this ancient greek world. I had no doubts about its verity and found myself lost in Athena's (it is Athena's; no?) temple. I am reminded by the diamond and gold incentive of Aladdin and his tales of Arabia - as all is about treasure and easily-persuaded puppets and their pupetteers.
Your ability to cast characters is commendable, as well: Litrell and Phyra are extremely believable. I currently despise them both, which is always a good sign: if I am able to have feelings and opinions of any character, it is a well-written story (unless, of course, the opinion is that this character is entirely unfounded and that the writer would have been better not having created them at all). I like Phyra's slyness; although I wonder at her trust of Litrell not to disturb the diamond after all is said and done. He seems too selfish to have any reason (grand or no) not to take it. I suppose I will see.
Thirdly, it is overall a fantastically-written piece. The pacing, with which I always have the most difficulty, is 'parfait' and gives the reader enough time to absorb it all while still being entranced and moved along by the author. Your choice of vocabulary is good: there are no noticable redundancies and convey the correct connotations.
All in all I admire this. If only I were as good a writer as you!
I can't wait to read more!
(By the way: thank you very much for your kind comment on my fantasy story. I'm so glad you enjoyed reading it. Every positive critique I get drives me to write more.
)
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Liz, this is an amazing first chapter. Very catchy, angsty and dramatic. The three neccessities, I believe, to such a story like yours. I find it interesting and reader-friendly. There's just so much going on, but at the same sense, it's not overwhelming. You explain characters and motives correctly -- very well done. One chapter and already, the plot is halfway unraveled. Just a few minor mistakes I caught -- typos more rather: "graps" should be "grapes" and "fad" should be "fade".
See, just minor mistakes but the rest is excellent. I find that your way to describe a story just flows amazingly that I wish I could have some sort of continuity in descriptive writing as you do (psh, like that will ever happen). I love it! Blunt as that may sound, I do love it. Now I'm off to go to sleep. Tomorrow: homework, homework, homework. I'll talk to you later. I feel like an official beta-reader -- sweet. =P -
hehe...evil goddess--i like it! keep up the good work!
~Kitty
P.S. i didn't think it was to long...then again maybe that's because all my story's chapters are so short... oh well!
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Excellant
This is very good. It held my attention from beginning to end. At first I wasn't sure I would like it because I don't know much about Greek mythology. You filled in all the necessary blanks and got me past that. Its an interesting and very imaginative story. I'll be looking for more of it in the future.
Thanks, your friend in poetry and prose, Bob
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