I Don’t Deserve To Live

“It’s just a game…” He said with a smirk. I didn’t know what to say. “It’s gonna be fun…” He said with a smirk again. I was just 8 years old. I said no. “It’s gonna be fun” he keep saying to me when we were alone. One day, when mom was out taking care of some stuff he came to me again. “Do you wanna play? It’s gonan be fun, I promise”. He kept with his mind games. “…O…k…” I was so curious what was that game all about. He gave another smirk full of pride. He got close and explained me the rules. “Take off your clothes, and lie down on bed…” Those were some weird rules, I was a good girl, I followed them…wrong thing to do…1

He started to crawl over me. I started to shake. He took off his clothes. “This won’t hurt…” I don’t remember if it did hurt. He slowly started to get inside of me. I stayed still ‘cause that’s what he order me to do. He started slow but he continues to pick up the paste. His air was cutting, so was mine. He was so fast I stayed still. He let himself drop on me, tired and breathless. Then he got up “that was good…we’ll play again later…” He said zipping his pants. I stayed there still and thinking what has happened. I did something wrong. 2

The next day we did it again while mom was out. She trusted him a lot. Why?... 3

We kept playing while I stayed quiet. Days later I decided to tell my mom. She did nothing about it. What was he problem?... I stayed in shock. Or she didn’t believe me, or he told him another story and believed him…like always…4

We kept playing for like 2 more years. I never had the courage to say no or to tell anyone. After what I’ve experience with my mom… maybe what he was doing wasn’t that bad as I thought…wrong…it’s terrible. 5

What’s worst…I liked it…I started to love playing the game. I wanted to play over and over again. Sometimes I wished he just enters my room and asks me to play so I can answer yes…6

Now here I am…15 years old…still with that shame inside of me. I feel so dirty. I was just a stupid lil girl who didn’t know how to say no then let myself go by temptation. I don’t deserve to live. I kept with this pain inside. This shame that doesn’t let me smile. His hands touch me all over again at night. His voice says his mind games, whispering, to my ear. I shake in fear. I fear…he comes back…enters and crawl over me… “Wanna play?” he’s gonna ask, with a smirk and I’ll answer yes… ‘cause temptation has got to me. 7

I don’t deserve to live. My life has been hell remembering that past. I try to run but it doesn’t go away. He keeps hunting me, day and night. 8

I look myself in my room. Sit down in the middle of the floor, letting out my last tears. Out of my back, I take out a gun and put it right beside my head. I don’t deserve to live. I’m a shame…9

As I keep seeing does flashbacks in my head, black and white, and no sound. I closed my eyes with rage tours him and me. I disappointed myself. I don’t deserve to live. “NO!!” I scream, as I regret doing that, going along with the game, and I pull the trigger. A bullet crashes into my head. My head goes blank, nothing’s inside. I fell to the floor. Blood spilling all over it. I didn’t deserve to live…now I’m clean…no more hand or whispers hunting me…10

The End…