Another Life Lesson

Over my many years of teenage drama, scandal, love, sadness, bliss and boredom, I realized there are pictures on my ceiling. You, know, those bumpy ceilings that used to pop all your balloons when you were a little kid and you used to throw them up to high? All those swirls, bumps and shadows became faces, animals, food, and other various objects after long sessions of staring up at the ceiling in my bedroom- teary-eyed or otherwise. 1

I was recollecting favourite high school pastimes in a personal tribute to all my years of high school- soon to be over- when I got the text. "Hey, you wanna come to my confirmation party?" 2

It was from my best friend's ex, Dustin. Katie dated him for about five months. They seemed on the surface a perfectly happy couple, and even occassionally talked about moving their relationship to the next level...physically, I mean. But things went down-hill after a while, as most high school relationships do, and I watched as Katie stressed over what to do about her fading "love" for Dustin. I told her to end it. She did the next day. He told everyone it was mutual.3

Now, four months later, Dustin is determined to remain my friend. "Sure. Do you want me to get you a present or anything?" I texted back. 4

"How about a kiss? "5

My stomach jumped a little and I texted back a shaky "lol." I dropped my head back on my pillow and tried not to dream up those beautiful romantic scenarios that had been creeping into my head for the past month- ever since I had started texting Dustin.6

We met Dustin at the beginning of the year. Our mutual friend had a crush on his best friend so naturally they just had to sit with us at lunch. Both Katie and I were charmed right away by his bubbly personality and his wide smile. We were both dealing with multiple stresses at the time, the biggest being college. Katie was also focused on her hockey, and I on the fact that I was seventeen and had yet to reach my goal: get my first boyfriend before graduation. Dustin had a kind of "nothing fazes me" type aura around him. And perhaps that attitude is what we were both initially attracted to. He offered an escape in that tense time in our lives.7

Of course, as soon as I heard about her feelings for Dustin, I stepped back and let her take full reign. She was witty, pretty, and ionto sports. What would he want with a sarcastic, emotional writer like me? Eventually, he asked me to a dance and I reluctantly turned him down. Seeing no where else to go, he asked Katie. The story of my life. 8

Of course I moved on. We went on group dates with a close friend who eventually became my first boyfriend. I broke up with him before Katie and Dustin ended their own relationship. In a stream of melodrama, I felt like I would never love again.9

My reverie was interupted by yet another text. "I'm at Wendy's. Wanna come meet me?"10

My heart skipped a beat. "No, meet me at the park." Cudia Park was right across from my house. 11

I bounded downstairs, perhaps a little too enthusiastically for a girl just going to meet a friend. Much to my dismay, my fourteen year old sister, Hope, felt the need to join me. "You know I'm meeting Dustin, right?" I whispered to her, out of ear-shot of my parents. 12

"Uh, why?" She questioned, raising an eyebrow. 13

"He's around this area and he wants to hang out. That's all!" I added when the eyebrow refused to descend. 14

We both left the house and were joined by a neighbour. A friend of Hope's. 'Oh, good, a distraction,' I thought. We walked towards the park bench and I fidgeted nervously. Why was I so tense? He's a friend. A FRIEND. But of course the butterflies refused to die down. In fact, as I watched him enter the park and lumber towards me they became increasingly more active. I waved and he flashed his wide, beautifully haunting smile. 15

"Hello, Kate!" He shouted happily. 16

I nodded my greeting. Small-talk ensued. Incredibly painful, neverending small-talk. I wanted so much more than the weather and chit-chat. I wanted lingering kisses and slight shivers. Tracing curves with skin and lips with fingertips. Of course, that was something I couldn't have. One did not date their friend's exes.17

We continued to talk, myself barely paying attention. I was completely focused on this delicious opportunity to absorb his every feature shamelessly. I was slightly shocked as he made an excited exclamation and raised his hand in the air. I sat for a few seconds, confused before he said, "Don't leave me hanging."18

"Oops, sorry, gapping out." I gave him a high-five with a slightly unsteady hand.19

In typical Dustin fashion he grinned and said, "Now with out eyes closed."20

'Oh geez,' I thought. I rolled my eyes. Regardless of the number of male friends I have had, I will always be just inches away from understanding what really goes on in their minds. "That's probably not a good idea," I warned, "You know how clumsy I am. I'm gonna end up smacking you in the face." I giggled.21

"I trust you."22

"Okay..." I said skeptically. He closed his eyes and raised his hand. I continued to keep my eyes wide open, reached out, and lightly tapped him on the cheek with my hand. 23

His eyes opened up quickly and his mouth changed to an expression of mock shock. Then he slowly lowered his face and gave me a misheivous look. "That's it! You're gonna get it!"24

I shrieked, in a way that was vey much unlike me, and ran towards a group of thick pine trees a little farther into the park. I could feel him on my heels and I slowed down a little. I felt his arms wrap around me and my smile broke through.25

I turned my head and we were face to face. His smile was soft and knowing as my own dropped from my face. Gently he said, "What would you do if I kissed you right now?" I searched my mind frantically for a socially acceptable answer but never needed one. His lips transformed into a smirk and then puckered comically. I let out another uncharacteristic scream and we reverted back to our kindergarden days, him chasing after me with a ridiculous kissy-face.26

Too soon, he paused and looked at his watch. "Well, I gotta go, but I'll see you tomorrow right?"27

"Ugh." I made a face. "Coulour Cup." Colour Cup was an annual event held by the high school where the school was divided into teams and played different games throughout the day. Me and excercise did not mix. Now me and excercise with half the school watching? That was a form of public humiliation I was not entirely ready to endure. Thank god a good half of the school felt the same and skipped the day altogether. I would skip (and was perfectly capable of doing so, being eighteen), but too many days on my record could get me suspended, or worse, expelled. "Nobody I know is gonna be there except Megann."28

"Don't worry, you guys can hang with me and Ashley." My heart jumped into my stomach in the must unbearably cliche way, and my mind grew fuzzier the more I tried to muster up enough of my voice to say 'ok.' I simply nodded stupidly.29

He laughed and waved. I watched him walk away, feeling exceptionally creepy, but I couldn't help it. 30

I came to a dreadful realization that day. I had fallen for Katie's ex. The biggest no-no in the "girl's unwritten rulebook."
I had no idea what to do. I was one of those people, as crazy as it sounds, that is only truly happy when they are in a relationship. I constantly heard people telling me, "You don't need a man to be happy!" But I knew that all I really lived for was the hope that I would share that special connection again. i felt lost and hopeless without it. I loved being in love.31

All I could think about was that moment. When we locked eyes there was something there. I had never felt that before. Normally, I was very self-conscious. Any possibilty that someone may be attracted to me was quickly brushed aside, but now....32

I sent a text as quickly as possible to Dustin so there was no time to change my mind. Typical me, rushing into everything without thinking. "Were you serious about the kissing thing? Like, if I were to kiss you, would you pull away?"33

As soon as the little word 'sent' popped up on the screen I had to sit down. My heart was beating its way straight out of my chest. What would I do if he said no?34

I jumped slightly as my phone vibrated. Too son for Dustin to have texted me back. It was from Katie. "Hey what are you up to?"35

I sighed shakily. God, this boy is going to be the death of me. "Nothing much, just texting Dustin..." Wait, why did I tell her? What would she say? Why was I freaking out about telling her? I could text people if I wanted to.36

"Again? I think he likes you. Let me know when he asks you out," was her reply.37

Suddenly, the reality of the situation seems alarmingly clear. I shook my head. "Snap out of it," I said aloud. wow. Now I was talking to myself. Great... "No I wouldn't go out with him. I wouldn't do that to you." Lies.38

"I don't give a f**k what you do. I don't care." I sighed with relief. In Katie speak, that was the go-ahead.39

The next time my phone shook with a message I was surprised to see Dustin's name looking up at me. I had forgotten about the text I had sent him. I was shaking but somehow managed to press 'ok.'40

"Of course I wouldn't. you know, I always liked you. I never wanted to date Katie. I wanted to date you."41

Suddenly, Katie was forgotten. All thoughts, all worries seem inconsequential compared to the simple text I had just received. I felt like whatever this problem was, I could sort it out easily. All things were possible. A boy liked me! I spent the rest of the night in a state of bliss, regardless of comments from all the members of my family.42

The next day I marched into the school wearing my team colour (red) with a new-found confidence I hadn't felt since I was dating my last boyfriend. Unfortunately I didn't get a moment alone with Dustin for the first three quarters of the day. The games I participated in are too embarassing to even begin to describe. 43

At the end of the day was the assembly, in which all the teams gathered in the cafeteria to wind down.
I sat beside Dustin and remained alert throughout the first half of the slideshow with pictures from the day. Great, memories of the demaeaning actions I was forced to perform. I laughed along with the other students, trying to hide how nervous I was from the enchanting boy to my right. When it came time to present the awards Dustin slumped in his seat. "I don't even know why I'm here. My team didn't even come close to winning."44

"Wanna go for a walk?" I choked out. 45

"Sounds good to me," he said. We stood up and slinked out. "But I want to be back for the last half of the slideshow."46

"Ok we can do that." We walked side by side down the empty halls. He took out his phone and started checking old texts and sending new ones. I marevelled at his steady hand. A thousand thoughts ran through my mind. How can he not be nervous? What if he was lying? If I kiss him, will he be grossed out?47

We rounded the corner into the hallway behind the door to the stage. Through it we heard cheers then, "Congratulations, winning teams! Now, let's finish up our slideshow!"48

Dustin looked up from his phone. "Oh no! Come on!" He grabbed my hand and started to pull me down the hall.49

I started to panic. "Wait!" It was now or never. I pulled back on his outstretched hand and he moved in towards me. I filled the rest of the gap and leaned forward, my lips meeting his. I closed my eyes and waited for what seemed like a century. Then, his lips moved against mine, parted, and went in for a second kiss. His hand slowly moved up my arm and I stopped breathing, pulling back. He smiled and took my hand. 50

We walked back towards reality and watched the rest of the slideshow without a word. When the bell rang I said my good-byes and he moved in for another delicious, heart-stopping kiss. 51

The walk home from school, usually filled with gloomy thoughts of work needing to be caught up and reflections on my dull life was now consumed by flashbacks. His lips moving slowly against mine. I was the happiest I'd been in a long time.52

My phone buzzed. Dustin. "So...you wanna go out with me?"53

Okay, nevermind. NOW was the happiest I've been in a long time.54

The answer was obvious, but first I had to ask Katie. As soon as I got home I called her. "So Dustin asked me out."55

Silence. Then, "And you said yes..."56

"I said I would have to ask you first."57

"I told you before, I don't care what you do. You can make your own mistakes." I didn't like the sound of that. After a few minutes of bickering back and forth the answer was clear. She truly didn't care. I was free to date Dustin.58

There is little point in describing the next couple of days. I was happy. There were many blissful moments of hand-holding and a few secret kisses. There was only one rule. I refused to get too close to him around Katie. I knew the pain of having to watch a friend cozy up to the boy I used to love; it had happened to me not too long ago. In fact, no matter how much I told myself that what I was doing was justified, I couldn't erase the slightly uneasy feeling I was harbouring inside.59

Two nights after my newfound relationship I received a long text from Katie. (It seems like anything important in my situation was said through text.) To summarize the message, she was upset. About my grades, my failure to walk home, how I will not make it to college and, most importantly, how I was dating her ex boyfriend. Long story short, she called me a fat, lazy failure.60

I was shocked. Not that she was upset. I should have seen that coming. Mostly I was taken aback by the fact that my best friend was capable of voicing such cruelty just out of spite. I knew that her anger was entirely my fault, but I had such a difficult understanding how she could use every one of my weaknesses against me.61

I felt selfish and disgusting. I was a vile creature who betrayed my closest companion. What was I worth? Nothing. The shower I took that night was one of reflection and distress. I let all emotion out. The running water both muffled my cries and reddened my face in the same way the tears would. I broke down and leaned against the wall, sobbing about the pain I had caused. For the first time in my teenage life I cut myself. I considered it punishment and was reminded of my selfishness as I felt my jeans rub painfully against my legs the next day.62

I wish I could say that everything was patched up quickly and efficiently. However, the next two weeks continued with difficulty. Many tears were shed, I am assuming by both of us, though I cannot be positive for I do not know what went on in her life at the time. More than once I was forced to leave class and walk blurry-eyed down the hallways, sheilding my face from the students that passed me. 63

I was lost. My best friend had abandoned me and I was beginning to regret my decision. Dustin had the habit of flirting with his friends, most of whom were girls. I felt unwanted and selfish. I sent numerous texts saying that if she just told me that she wanted to to break things off I would do so. Everytime she told me she didn't care what I did. Secretly, I felt a sense of relief. I didn't want to have to choose between my boyfriend and best friend.64

And I was scared to be alone.65

Eventually, after much silence between us, we were each reasoned with by mutual friends. Each of us wanted to speak to each other. "So just talk!" they said. Easier said than done. Baby steps put us on speaking terms once again, and somehow we reached best friend status once more. To this day I have no idea how we made it possible. 66

I do not regret my decision, despite its less-than-happy ending. I was blissful dating Dustin for the month and three weeks that I did, despite the suspicion that came with the relationship. In a way, I enjoyed the pain that accompanied his lack of enthusiasm. I was comforted by the fact that he was still with me.67

Then, while talking to him online, I got 'the speech.' He sent me a long paragraph about how he had gone out with me just to see if it would 'work out' and it hadn't. I was the last person who deserved to be hurt but he didn't want to lead me on. In the end, he could only love me as a friend. 68

So was my little adventure worth it? I experienced love, lust, passion, anger, hurt, betrayal, revenge, regret and heartbreak in less than three months. I learned who my real friends were and who would stick by me regardless of the harmful mistakes I make. Although it's a rather cliche story, I do not regret telling it because it's true. 69

And I have learned to embrace the hardships in my life, and not to take things to seriously. When one takes a step back and looks at their life, it all comes down to truth. Three little words that will follow me for the rest of my life, through all the stories I have yet to write.70

Life. Goes. On.71

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