The Fairy Tale Killer

Humpty Dumpty
Humpty Dumpty woke up one morning to the sight of his room staring back at him in a gloomy i-would-kill-you-if-i-weren’t-inanimate-way. You know that feeling? 1

Humpty slid off the covers and slowly slumped his way over to the bathroom mirror and yawned. He stared at him self, unshaven and out of shape. Every day he would go to the gym with the other eggs yet he never seemed to get out of his round shell. He shuffled over to a cabinet opened it up and pulled out some shaving cream and began to shave. 2

“Yow,” cried Humpty as he prominently cut his cheek, yolk dribbling out “That’s the third time this week!” 3

He walked across the room and got a band-aid. He sat back down on his bed and sighed. Every day he did the same thing, get out of bed, shave, get dressed and go to work. Every single day, over and over again. No variety at all, nothing to add a bit of excitement. Ever since his girlfriend Saregga dumped him because she, “couldn’t stand telling one more person that she dated someone with the name of Humpty” he had been dead-beat. 4

Humpty got dressed and headed for his car, picking up the mail and his brief case on the way. He got into the driver seat and set his briefcase down, sifting through the mail.5

“Add, junk, junk…” he through the rest of them into a bag of trash, not knowing that one of those letters was a very vital medical bill.6

He set off driving barely watching the road. His hands and feet had memorized the route and were moving subconsciously. Humpty looked up at the road and slammed on the brakes. Yesterdays abandoned coffee splattered in his face and down onto his whitened shirt. 7

Humpty half-shouted gibberish as he promptly got out of his car to wipe off his shirt covered in cold coffee. Saregga stood frozen in the middle of the crosswalk not moving an inch.8

“You can move you useless egg!” he shouted at Saregga who quickly directed her gaze at Humpty.9

“Oh my goodness!” she cried, swiftly running over to Humpty, “I am soo, sorry!”10

“Yah right,” said humpty sarcastically, “When the king sees me like this he’ll have me shelled!”11

“Don’t be foolish!” Saregga shouted, slapping Humpty across the face, tearing his band-aid off which began to dribble again, “The King lives a hundred miles away!”12

“I know that!” Humpty retorted wiping up the yolk with the end of his sleeve, “But the workers have been muttering for weeks about a surprise inspection from the King himself!”13

“I am truly sorry!” Saregga began to whimper, “I guess, well, with you like this… you wouldn’t even bother.”14

Saregga began to walk away.15

“Bother what!” Humpty called jogging over to her, a soft tone to his voice.16

“Well, since we broke up, I’ve been a total mess, and I was going to ask you at work but… who cares anymore.17

“You can ask me anything!” Humpty said placidly.18

“Well, I was wondering, if- if, you, well, would like to go back to normal, with us, you know, we had something.”19

Humpty’s eyes softened and he replyed in a modest voice, “That would be great!”20

“Oh thank you Humpty, you know, not all people are like you, my last twenty boyfriends all said no at this point,”21

Humpty hugged Saregga confusedly, not sure what to say after the comment.22

“Well, I have to go,” Saregga, “My little Charlegg’s mouth won’t feed itself”23

At this point Humpty was so confused that he thought he was still punch-drunk from last Thursday. So, to smooth it over, he waved to Saregga as she shuffled away and swiftly got into his car, unfortunately slamming his head on the door opening in the process.24

“Son of a-,” Humpty yelled but was cut off as his coffe cup rolled onto the gas pedal launching the car into full speed.25

“SON OF A-,” the car flew into the middle of an intersection, cars slammed on their brakes, smoke and steam flew into the air as Humpty swerved. At this point Humpty was in a quagmire. He found himself to have his left leg sticking out of the right door, which was banging and cutting it up. His right leg, crammed against the passenger seat, his torso sprawled across the cup holder between the seats and his right hand clenching for dear life onto the steering wheel. Humpty contracted his right arm, attempting to get his leg back into the door, and regain control of the rampaging car. As he pulled, the wheel turned, sending the car into an out of control death-spiral. Humpty’s fingers peeled away slowly until he was flung from the vehicle head over heels. Humpty closed his eyes bracing for impact. And then with a soft plunk, he landed. Humpty opened his eyes and found himself to be on his work buildings lawn.
“Quit lollygagging and get in!” His boss cried walking up the staircase to the door.
Humpty got up quickly. His head started to spin and he got back down. Wow, he thought, I thought I was gonna die. The truth is, he was going to die, but the story wasn’t long enough and everybody likes an extension.
Humpty slowly got up again and walked over to the staircase and gingerly climbed up. He got to the top and opened the door where his boss stood angrily, tapping his foot.
“What kept you! I’ve been waiting for a while now, you know I can’t leave until all employees have entered!” he said, staring daggers down Humpty’s trout.
“Yes, yes, I’m sorry-,”
“Shut your yapping, the sooner we get to the elevator the better.”
Humpty’s boss set of briskly along the hallway, Humpty had to jog to keep up. They finally reached the elevator and stepped in when a loud alarm sounded.
“SECURITY BREACH, EMERGENCY STANDBY MODE INITIATED, ALERT ALERT!”
A snapping noise cracked from above and Humpty, and his boss were thrust to the ceiling, the elevator falling at breakneck speeds.
“Humpty!” the boss called, “Do you have your briefcase on you!”
“Yes!” Humpty yelled over the alarm,
“Hand it to me!”
Humpty handed the case to his boss, the wind whipping in his face. Humpty pulled his head to the side, to see what his boss was doing. His boss seemed to be thwacking the roof of the elevator with the case,
“WHAT IN GOD’S NAME ARE YOU DOING!!!” Humpty yelled, realizing that somebody must have it in for him.
“SAVING OUR LIVES!!!” the boss cried back.
There was a crack as the handle of the briefcase fell off. Three sounds occurred at the same time. The boss cursing, Humpty screaming over his briefcase damages and a cracking noise as the top of the elevator split open. Humpty saw his chance and went for it. He hoisted himself up and out of the elevator, jumping towards the nearest door in the shaft. A loud kong, erupted as he slammed himself against the metal chute, holding on by three fingers. Humpty looked down, his head spinning for the second time today, and saw the elevator explode into pieces at the bottom of the shaft. Humpty’s stomach went cold. He jumped as a warm hand grasped his wrist. He let go of the ledge sharply, pulling the unknown hand down with him.
“AAAARRGH!” cried the voice of his would-be rescuer. Both of them fell a surprisingly short distance onto the ruble beneath. Humpty looked up at the face of his brother, Lumpty.
“What are you doing here!” Humpty cried.
“I was going to drop in to say hello, it’s your birthday for goodness sake.” Lumpty retorted.
Humpty thought for a second, it was his birthday, well, what a good day it had turned out so far.
A couple of minutes of screaming later, a rope descended from 2 doors above the one they had fallen from. Can’t they’ve gone down a few steps for our sake?! Humpty thought as he started to climb. As he got out of the shaft, he looked down at his brother, a couple feet from the end of his climb. Then, without warning, the rope dropped. Humpty watched as his brother, just like his boss, fell to his demise. He looked to the direction the person who was holding the rope went. All he saw, was the lip of a purple cape, and a voice shouting, SUCKAH!
Humpty, wiped dry of any sense or feeling, wobbled his way to his office. Before he could get there, the speakers stationed around the building spoke out saying. “All employees may leave early today for reasons of tragedy.”
Humpty turned to his right and started to walk towards the door. Many people cut in front of him, wanting to get home as quickly as possible, fearing for their own lives.
Humpty was walking home when he saw a nice looking wall. Well, what do I have to lose? Humpty thought, hopping onto it. In the distance, he saw the King bedecked in an extravagant red cloak, his men, and all his horses, bounding towards Humpty’s work building. Then, suddenly, a hand came from behind the wall and pushed Humpty forwards. He fell for what felt like hours until he his the ground breaking into thousands of pieces. All the Kings horses and all the Kings men came over to the scene. The King stopped the men who were about to attempt to put humpty together again.
“Wait just one moment,” he said, consulting a list of names, “Leave him there”
“But why?!” one of the men asked.
“The reason,” The king answered, “He forgot to pay his health insurance”26


Little Red Riding Hood
Little Red Riding hood sat on her bed staring across the room at her wall mirror. Her face stared back at her in the same unmoving glare. Her skin tone was perfect, as were all of her facial features and everything about her. Except for the fact that she lived alone. Her parents had abandoned her as a child with only her red cloak and left her in the house she claimed as her home. From then on, she became an unbreakable shield of solitude. She learned to live with the silence and started to actually like. Today she was wandering around the house when she came across a note that she had never seen before. She picked it up and read it aloud to the empty house.
“My little child, I am ever so sad to leave you alone here but it is the best thing we could do. You were always my little sunshine. If you ever find this letter and are up to it I have a task for you. Though we may be dead by the time you read this, you still have one living relative, my mother-in-law, your grandmother. Enclosed is a map of how to get there. Be forewarned that you must go into the forest, and it is a dangerous place. Maybe I should hide this letter. I can’t even bear the thought of you going out there on your own.”
She looked at her mothers signature, wavy and twirled, moving along like the wind. As she set the letter down, another sheet of paper fell from behind it. Red bent over and picked it up. On the paper was a hand drawn map of the forest behind the house she lived in. There was a dashed line weaving a twisting through the forest, landmarks dotted along the path. At the end, was a picture taped to the paper, of a log cabin.
Red looked at the map, then out the window, then at the map again. She screwed up her face, picked up a basket of food, and marched out of the back door, ready to go to grandma’s.
Red stared into the forest, two trees, bent over each other paneling the entrance, an arch into the deep. Red took a step into the arch, testing it to see if the trees would fall. They didn’t. She walked the rest of the way in and the darkness was instantaneous. It covered the entire forest in a blanket of cold. Red shivered as she took a few careful steps forward. Step by step she inched her way along the path she thought equalized with the map, she couldn’t be sure, it was to dark to read. Suddenly, a rustle sounded from behind her. She pivoted on her heal and tripped over, ripping her cloak. Red scooted back on her hands and feet. Falling over a ledge and bumping her head against something furry. She turned around slowly and saw a wolf. The scream that came out of her mouth penetrated the forest in an earsplitting squeal. Far on the other side of the forest, Red’s grandmother’s ears perked up, the fork in her hand trembling and ringing.
Back in the forest, Red was full out running. Her hands flailing, tripping over roots and stumbling over rocks. She was in outright terror. Everywhere she looked was a pair of glowing eyes or a thorny plant. She ran faster and faster until she full out slammed into wall, light finally shining into her eyes. Red looked up to see a maroon, log cabin. She paced around it and found the door. She opened it up and looked around. It seemed to be empty. The lights went on and she saw her grandmother sitting in a chair watching a new episode of some soap opera that went out in the 80’s. But behind her was another figure. A silhouetted figure creeping towards her. A figure with two pointed ears and a tail.
“GRANDMA LOOK OUT!!!” Red cried as the wolf pounced on the grandmother. Granny, who had 5 years of ninja training in her background, instinctively swung her purse (that just happened to have a brick in it) at the wolf’s face. The wolf fell down to the floor but got back up read to fight. Granny ditched her purse, got up and mimicked the wolf, circulating around the room, swaying back and forth, waiting for the other to make the first move.
In the quietness Red heard footsteps behind her. She turned around and saw the door slam shut, followed by a distinctive “Tee-hee”. Red looked at the ground where the intruder had dropped a hat. It was plain black, and similar to a top hat. Except that the middle was extremely short and the brim shot out half a foot. As she looked at the hat, her grandmother shouted, “RED!!” and the entire roof fell down. Killing all three of its containments27

Snow White was sitting in her chair rocking back and forth, waiting for the time to pass. Nothing really interesting ever happened to here. No death plots or assassins. Well, not yet. Today she decided to stir things up, as she was walking along outside she saw the queen. Sneaking up on her she promptly kicked her in the back into a well.
“Hahaha,” Snow White laughed running away as the Queen fell into the well, nowhere to go but down. The Queen fell and fell until she hit the water with a giant splash. While treading water, the Queen looked around the well, it seemed thin enough to climb up. She spread out her legs and placed them on either sides of the well, the same with her hands. She then proceeded to slowly climb up, a bit at a time. Twelve minutes later she was halfway up when a bucket decended from the sky, slamming her in the head and knocking her all the way back down.
“Come on!” she yelled as she fell yet again. When she reached the bottom she climbed into the bucket and waited for it to rise. Sure enough it started to get higher and higher, grunts echoing from above. She reached the top getting out, completely soaked.
“Where, is, Snow, White,” She said coldly, figuratively and literally. The man that had pulled her out pointed towards the forest.
“She went a thataway, but I warn ya, don’t go in theya ‘lone. Jest don’t”
“I’ll go where I want and I wont have gruff from you!” She yelled, stomping to her castle, a plan forming in her twisted mind.28