That fucker.
Alice.
I never want to talk
To her ever
Ever
Again.1
That fucker.
Brother.
I never want to talk
To him ever
Ever
Again.2
Fuck off Alice.
Stop toying.
Stop toying with me.
Alice…
Don’t talk to me.
I hate you.3
"Don’t speak to him.
That fucker.
Don’t you ever talk
To him. Ever
Ever
Again.
He’s just your brother.
Not worth it.
You and I both know
That you don’t care
About him.
So don’t talk to him.
Pretend he doesn’t exist.
He doesn’t exist."4
That fucker.
Alice.
Stop.
Talking.
To.
Me.
He’s my brother.
I have to
Love him.
Right?
Yeah. I do. 5
"But he’s so bossy.
Treats you like shit,
Little fucker.
Treat him the same.
Be the bitch you want to be.
What could happen to you?
He’s just a stupid
Little
Fucker.
You’ll never have to worry about him…
If you listen to me."6
Shut up, Alice!
Shut up!
Shut up!
Shut up!
Shut up!
God. You are everything I never
Ever
Want to see in myself.
Or anyone else.
You are the pain of the world.
The pimple on the ass of everything.
A stubborn little cunt who wants
Everything to rot.
Everything.
Because you can’t live.
You can’t live without dying
Or killing
Or hurting.
And you’re jealous of me.7
"What about Brendon, you fucker.
You love Brendon."8
Leave him out
Of this Alice!
He has nothing to do
With this!9
"Oh but he does!
Brendon and I are,
In fact,
Quite close.
Almost like lovers.
He tells me things
About you.
And in turn I
Give him the ability to help
You.
You like the way he makes you write?
That’s me behind the curtains,
Feeding him everything he could possibly need.
In turn for my help,
He gives me knowledge.
But sometimes
I need his help too.
I give him your secrets and fears
And he can set you off,
Looking for your red rabbit.
And you trust Brendon,
Don’t you?
You love him.
Don’t you?
We aren’t any different."10
Brendon doesn’t
Do that
To me.
Brendon loves
Me.
Takes care of
Me.
He hates
You.11
"No he doesn’t.
He writes what I want you to write
And
In turn,
He gets your trust
And I get you running.
Running, running.
Run, girl, run.
You better know,
Though,
That I’ll
Get
You.
I
Always
Win.
I’ll get you
Girl."
Author notes
I'm taking a look at my own brain, skimming the surface as I document my forever battle with my dreaded other half. Alice, my characterized personal enemy, is the part of my that makes me self-harm, -destruct, and -loathe, among many other things. I've been fighting against her my entire life. Brendon, my characterized muse, is wonderful. Usually. But Alice has been suggesting, and I've been putting it together, that Alice and Brendon are closer than I'm comfortable with.
My therapist recommends what I'm doing as it helps me release the tension that makes me try to self-harm. What I'm doing is an insane (and probably drastic) attempt to appease all of my mind. This is perfectly okay for me to do, I just wanted to share so that this isn't just trapped within my brain and my therapist's room.
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