Mind Didn't Matter

1

Once upon a time there dwelt a disparate and desperate bunch who lived in a fantasy world where a mere thread of thought would give rise to speculation, extrapolation or even straightforward elaboration. One proponent of something-like-normality would advocate logic as a device to supplement an idea, whilst another would disingenuously use chain logic to eviscerate this tried and trusted but ultimately stale system of progression. That each thought their ideas were paramount surreptitiously exacerbated their dilemma as each also was an adherent of free thought and expression and would never overtly demur at, or denigrate, another’s suggestions. This fact notwithstanding, they subconsciously vied with each other for domination and primacy in the field of imagination and novelty. To say that membership of this tenuously-knit group was international would be like summing up Ghandi’s life with the phrase “He talked well”  Boundaries there were none and barriers but one: Those of exiguous intellect need not apply. Not that application was necessary or even imagined, the members naturally gravitated to each other by instinct alone. All that was needed was a Sun to make their world complete. The unfortunate truth of their plight was so obvious that it acquired an evanescent camouflage of unstated acceptance: Simply put, they couldn’t see the wood for the trees. A leader would give them purpose and direction and acceptance as a force to be reckoned with. 2

As chance would have it there was an unintended meeting of many of the mental fraternity one bright sunny day in an unremarkable semi-detached house in the borough of Worthing. No-one thought this remarkable and even those that had their caustic diatribes expurgated with monotonous regularity were lacking in facetious quips. 3

Many were the traits that these members displayed, some were demonstrative, some quite reticent, but all shared the common bond of need and imaginative flair. One such was considered somewhat pompous for his use of over-elaborate English, but in reality this was an aspect of his intellect and quicksilver brain. At times his seeming self-absorption and disconnected utterances gave rise to the impression that he was vapid and unfitting for eligibility to this mental elite. 4

As it happened, upon this occasion, the bunch were happily amusing themselves with translating well-known phrases into equivalent but not so obvious parallels. 5

“Post-mortem equestrian flagellation” quipped one wag. 6

“Too easy, that’s flogging a dead horse, try this: “Posterial self-navigation error” 7

“What?” boomed a puzzled participant in a stentorian voice, which device he used to try and overawe lesser mortals. 8

“It means you couldn’t find your own arse with both hands and a map” smirked the poser. 9

In the lull that followed whilst brains raced for novelty and humour a quiet but clear voice intruded “Onomatopoeia”. 10

Mr Vapid had spoken to himself. 11

Puzzled looks ensued and a mystified audience pressed for elaboration. 12

Focussing his attention the perpetrator of the out-of-sequence remark explained his train of thought with “Strategic Nomenclature” 13

This was no help and the looks passed from frowns to downright amazement. 14

Seeing the looks he continued “Our main problem is one of identity. 15

We lack substance and reality to the real world and appear as nothing more than dilettantes wasting our lives in fruitless debate and pointless conjecture” 16

This statement was so perilously accurate and so close to the knuckle of their phobic denial that they sat entranced by its obviousness and stunned by its verity. 17

Here was a man who could lead them, his recognition of their absurd status and bravery in stating it had won them over. 18

“I know that the mundane world holds little for us” he continued “but even so we must look there for a solution.” 19

“I have had occasion to observe the reactions of the populace and have seen that those in public view are often given to taking nicknames or changing their names to suit their situation. A sort of occupational onomatopoeia, if you will” 20

“It almost appears that you are what you say you are, pornographic actors call themselves by names such as ‘Rod’ and ‘Randy’, wrestlers use harsh sounding epithets such as ‘Rock’ or ‘Undertaker’ whilst others, such as pop groups rely on novelty and illogical naming to stand out from the crowd.” 21

“We must exorcise this exsanguinating phantom menace and become our true selves” 22

And so it was that a leader was chosen. All was not well at first as each tried to outdo the other in the matter of naming themselves to suit their circumstances, but firm leaderships prevailed and the group settled into their own celebrity niche in the world and were hailed by all for their accomplishments. All they had wanted was to be recognised and appreciated and this slowly became theirs by right. Thus it was that peace descended upon them and they all lived happily ever after, not only happy but rich and famous to boot.  23