The sterling silver bells hanging freely from Belinda's Crimson-black attire tinkled to and fro. Each one chiming a melodic tune to the beating steps Belinda took down the gloaming tunnel situated underneath her Mistress's mansion1
Tonight Mistress Pride was holding a masked ball for all the underground carnal swines. An occasional event that that was not to be missed and never to be repeated. In theme of the celebration ceremony- Pride's marking of age. Mistress pride had the devoted the evening to her enigmatic fantasy. Her infamously vitiated obsession. The one and only- Joker. 2
Invitations had been sent accordingly. All Mistress Pries slaves and had been invited without the need of the comical printed invitations Belinda had made, written and sent out face to face to Pride's clients bring in enough money from each castling to fund the whole event.3
Indeed Mistress Prides favorite- Belinda had been in charge of catering, entertainment, amusement, decorations and of course the V.I.P list that have been compiled of the highest, most dangerous psychopathic bidders in the Pride business.4
Belinda could see the risqu'e violet and aquamarine strobe lights from the cracks in the tarnished steel door.5
Outside waiting to greet her was Prides trusted bouncer Energy. 6
Energy welcomed her with a sleazy, scandalous embrace running his inky gloved fingers between her trembling willowy legs. Sparing her know embarrassment or discomfort.7
“Pride is going to eat you up,” Energy thundered. His rippling laughter echoing down the tunnel. His obvious attraction teeming against his strangled mauve pants.8
Belinda laughed flirtatiously and pulled away from his hefty rooted body feeling the after stir of the impressionable moist spot he had left against the bridge of her panties.9
Energy concluded his perverse manipulation. His laughter still heinous and hollow. Energy opened the door into the Haze with a metallic key and padlock the door shut once Belinda was inside. 10
Belinda worked her way through the swarming crowd. Pushing and shoving through group upon group of ruthless incognito clowns. 11
When Belinda spotted the illuminated stage she quavered at the sight of Pride dressed in complete purple attire. From top to toe her noir garments stood out amongst the ground, but what had Belinda enthralled was the turquoise vested blouse Pride had tucked underneath her amethyst threads. To match, Prides cocoa eyes glittered emerald under the fluorescent lights and the misty shadowed fog erupting from the metallic machines. 12
Pride examined Belinda an amused smirk lighting up her dazzling grin and rose to her feet. Beside her, her common - did the same, standing each side of her Golden throne. Obedient- just like German shepherds. They looked much similar in dog eared facaded masks.13
Belinda walked up the small jade carpeted steps and onto the stage with much ease. The bells shimmying and chiming with her swaying hips. Hypnotizing Pride making her already vexing stimulation stronger.14
Belinda stopped in front of her Mistress and bowed down on her knees taking Prides hand in her own.15
“Well if it isn't my Harley Quinn,” Pride said readily raising her purple gloved hand from Belinda's weak grasp. Running her fingers through Belinda's loose mahogany teased locks Pride's fingers wavered in delight at her jester's devotion.16
“Come. I have something I want to show you in awe of tonights villainous Ball.”
Author notes
I thought I would kill two birds with one so to speak :]
This is written for a good friend of mine who I want to dedicate this to. I hope I have not disappointed you.
I want to thank Lady for the Challenge.
I have not written anything much to do with masqerade balls so it was an odd thing to write.
I was going to call he Bells - But I decided to call her Belinda as Bells would be a little ironic.
I had questions:
Did you think it was fan-fictional?
Did you like the way I decribed the story?
Blair
In a list
A contest entry
- I Invite You To The Masquerade by Lady Pixie.
400 points, ended August 16, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
;] Like?
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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I will start my comment by answering your questions.
Q: Did you think it was fan-fictional?
A: I thought it was, especially with the mention of Joker in paragraph 2, so yeah, excellent job on that.
Q: Do you like the way I described the story?
A: Yes. I especially liked the description of Pride in paragraph 12. I could imagine her standing there, illuminated, while the incognito clowns looked at her. Such a cool image.
I really liked this story, and was upset to see it end. I think there's gotta be more in the future with this piece and Harley Quinn. Perhaps she and Joker will end up happily ever after? *nudge, nudge* Maybe he'll even do something about Energy? He's a crazy one, that guy.
I don't want to beg you for more, unless doing so would prove a hint at continuing. Awesome work yet again...and as always.I always have a few suggestions, so here they are:
Par 1: The sterling silver bells hanging freely from Belinda's Crimson-black [crimson-black] attire tinkled to and fro. Each one chiming a melodic tune to the beating steps Belinda took down the gloaming tunnel situated underneath her Mistress's mansion [.]
Par 2: Tonight Mistress Pride was holding a masked ball for all the underground carnal swines [swine]. / Mistress pride had the [del: the] devoted the evening to her enigmatic fantasy. /The one and only- Joker. [I think you should use an exclamation mark.]
Par 3: All Mistress Pries [Prides’] slaves and had been invited without the need of the comical printed invitations Belinda had made, written and sent out face to face to [too many ‘tos’; perhaps try: personally to] Pride's clients bring in [, who had brought in] enough money from each castling to fund the whole event.
Par 4: Indeed Mistress Prides [Pride’s] favorite- [comma instead of hyphen] Belinda [,] had been in charge of catering, entertainment, amusement, decorations and of course the V.I.P list that have been [delete ‘that have been’] compiled of the highest, most dangerous psychopathic bidders in the Pride business.
Par 7: Energy welcomed her with a sleazy, scandalous embrace [,] running his inky gloved fingers between her trembling willowy legs.[,] Sparing [sparing] her know [no] embarrassment or discomfort.
Par 9: Belinda laughed flirtatiously and pulled away from his hefty rooted [hefty-rooted] body [,] feeling the after stir of the impressionable moist spot he had left against the bridge of her panties.
Par 10: Energy concluded his perverse manipulation. [,] His [his] laughter still heinous and hollow.
Par 11: Belinda worked her way through the swarming crowd. [,] Pushing [pushing] and shoving through group upon group of ruthless incognito clowns.
Par 12: When Belinda spotted the illuminated stage [,] she quavered at the sight of Pride dressed in complete purple attire. From top to toe [,] her noir garments stood out amongst the ground, but what had Belinda enthralled was the turquoise vested blouse Pride had tucked underneath her amethyst threads.
Par 13: Pride examined Belinda [,] an amused smirk lighting up her dazzling grin and rose to her feet. Beside her, her common – [‘ – ’not needed] did the same, standing each side of her Golden throne.
Par 14: Belinda walked up the small jade carpeted [jade-carpeted] steps and onto the stage with much ease. The bells shimmying and chiming with her swaying hips. Hypnotizing Pride making her already vexing stimulation stronger. [I think this could make it as a single sentence.]
Par 15: Belinda stopped in front of her Mistress and bowed down on her knees [,] taking Prides [Pride’s] hand in her own.
Par 16: Running her fingers through Belinda's loose mahogany teased locks [,] Pride's fingers wavered in delight at her jester's devotion.
Par 17: “I have something I want to show you in awe of tonights [tonight’s] villainous [Villainous] Ball.”
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I read this the other day. I just thought I'd read it again before commenting. And here is my comment. I enjoyed this thoroughly and thought the imagery was really good, as well. I think your descriptions are always really good, as were the descriptions in this one, too.
I liked how you described what happened in this story... and I also loved how you made the story build itself up. I think that this would be even better with a second part and maybe more after that, too.
I think, though, that you could make the flow a bit better... not a thing you would have to do, though, since it depends on your taste and what you find to be good. I also thought the dialogue was very real, too... for the story, especially.
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Pretty Good
No, i dont really think this was fan-fictional, and your descriptions of the stroy was ecellent it gave you the right feel of the stroy. their wasn't really anyhting wrong in the major sense of thing jus a few error of puntuating and grammer but nuthing major liek know and no and you used pries when i think you meant pride overall pretty good job.
itachi
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 1, ending: 2, dialog: 5, characters: 2.
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I liked it. Quite normally, the type of darkness and depth is NOT my thing, but you had great details and I loved your vocabulary. But, down to the nitty-gritty...
Fan-Fiction? No. I don't actually know how you could've made it fan-fiction...
Your decripstions were wonderful, but I didn't really meet & greet the characters. You know? When I read a story, I like to learn about the caracters and go..."Aha! That's totally in their character to do 'That'." But with this, I really couldn't.
You seem to be a very impressionable writer. But editing is something a writer must learn too. Commas, periods, and semi-colons all have their unique places. I didn't see any glaring errors in your piece, but I have some questionable spots.
Suggestions: I hope you have great luck in the contest! Also, re-reading your work...once wth a green pen, then with red, and then with black...you can catch your mistakes yourself without having to rely on others to catch them for you.
Others (readers) that have "bought" your book, are reading it, not looking with errors...but glaring errors stand out and hurt you as a writer and author.
Goodluck
I hope this is a good critique for you.
-dancer.
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On the fence --
The Good:
Some of your descriptions hit the mark - spot on! I loved some of your wording, especially when it came to small detail of color and shape, which in this short piece of a masquearade takes a lot of importance.
Some of the imagery was indeed very well-done! I think you also easily balanced out the narrative in the beginning with the scene-ending in the last part ...
The Criticism:
I disagree with the others and DO say this 'seems' like fanfiction. First - you mentioned the Joker, so obviously it's taken into context with Batman from the beginning - but that's not important anyway.
Focusing on the writing, I think where you excelled in imagery and description, you completely lagged in terms of characterization. Sure, Energy was rather nicely done, and so was Mistress Pride, but there was still no ultimate defining quality to them. I still have no idea WHO EXACTLY these characters were ...
My main point: this was empty. It lacked any weight in making me feel this was real ... Especially in comparison with your last story I read - the 'catching butterflies one' - this fell a little below your usual stuff ...
The Suggestions:
P1: Belinda's Crimson-black attire [decapitalize C in crimson]
P1: to and fro.[,] Each one chiming [make this one sentence instead, more flow]
P2: Mistress pride[capital P] had the
P3: All [of] Mistress Pries[Pride's] slaves and [and what??] had been invited
P3: face to face to Pride's clients [who] bring
P4: Mistress Pride[']s --> same with P6
P7: willowy legs. Sparing her know[no] embarrassment ...[the last sentence is an unnecessary fragment - join the two]
P10: into the Haze[haze or is there some reason why this is capitalized?] with a metallic key
P13: standing each side of her Golden[g should not be capital] throne
P14: Join all sentences with commas. Otherwise, they are fragments. --> I like fragments but only when they work to give effect. Like:
Cold. The room was terribly chilly -- etc.
Anyway - well-written? Yes! Very! But one of your good works? Not quiet for me personally ... [Sorry for sounding rather mean, Blair ...]
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Yes, I like this and no I didn't find it fan-fictional. The descriptions used in this was great- easily painted pictures in my mind. I like the semi-dark direction and feel that it had. I caught a few small grammatical/punctuation mistakes but nothing big.
All Mistress Pries slaves and had been invited... (p 3)
typo and extra word. Pride's. I would also reccomend getting rid of the word 'and'.
Sparing her know embarrassment or discomfort (p 7)
I think you meant no instead of know.
Another small suggestion I have is to read over carefully. There were many areas where you had "Prides" and forgot the apostrophe- and it should have been Pride's
Overall, this was entertaining and interesting. I really quite enjoyed the descriptions and the unusual names
Great work and thanks for entering "I Invite You To The Masquerade"!
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It's a splendid, hypnotic treat for the senses.
Erotic, haunting...a spectacular explosion of vibrant colour, music, and flamboyant characters.
From the first sentence I was hooked, reeled in like a fish as you cast me into this underground paradise--a world crawling with vanity and evil.
It almost felt as if I walked onto the set of an elaborate movie, one of those overrated, artsy ones that the critics drool over. At the end, however, I realized that it was so much more.
There was something EERIE about this...morbid yet starkly beautiful, like an actress blowing smoke rings in a dark alley.
Sorry if that didn't make any sense; but I'm telling you how I feel and right now my emotions are all tangled like television cables.
In other words: you're brilliant.
I fell in love with everything from Harley Quinn to the luscious atmosphere and the overall sensuality of each character.
This wasn't fan-fictional at all. In fact, I didn't even know your theme was Batman until the Joker was mentioned.
And you wrote this one for me...*drops to knees in worship*
I don't deserve you--I really don't.
Please write more or I'll give you a double spanking from the last time.
Of course, my little showstopper deserves her encore:
EPO
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Really well written, your language is truly rich and suits the style quite well. Although, try rereading the story a few times after it's complete, it'd save you from those nasty little mistakes
The atmosphere's strong and sort of alive, I definitely like it.
Harley Quinn is Joker's date and partner from DC Comics, hm?
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Brilliantly written, I enjoyed reading it. It was not at all 'fan-fictional'. The way you described this story was marvelous. Keep up the good work!
~Ewig Lebensdaur -
I love the masquerade song in the phantom of the opera musical. It read like the beginning to something much longer. I'd be very interested in reading more. I liked the decadent, and almost obscene nature of the narrative. It sounded like a party i'd very much like to be invited to. Of course if it ever happened, I'd be all shy and hide in the corner.
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Very well written.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Wow... that was really desciptive... Can you tell me whether you plan to make this a longer story?
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