I stood there, awaiting my turn. My stomach churned and I felt my lunch coming back up to surprise the people around me. Beads of sweat slowly trickled down my forehead and down my neck, being soaked up by my frizzy, red hair. My palms were sweaty as they held onto the ends of my now stretched-out shirt. My legs were also crossed because I had a deep feeling that I was going to pee in my pants.1
Everything around me was dark. All I could see were glows around the room. They looks like green eyes staring at me. 2
I watched as people of all ages shivered from the coldness. The screams were deafening. I gulped. I was going to go soon. It would be my turn. I would be pulled away into the dark and I might never return.3
I watched a little boy cry as his mother held him close by. Oh god I can’t do this! 4
My breath became short and quick. I might hyperventilate soon if I didn’t stay calm. I closed my eyes, amazed that it wasn’t any darker with my eyes closed, and counted to ten. I exhaled a deep sigh and looked around. There was a sudden, high-pitched laughter from far off and sounds of bullets being shot. People’s high pitched screaming reacted to it. Red flashed before my eyes. Blood? Was it blood?5
“You’re next.” A tall, muscular man told me with a large grin, seeing my fear. I walked forward along with other strangers I didn’t know. I took a seat, looking around one last time. Goodbye.6
I felt a strong pressure pushing into my stomach and another one over my shoulders. The last time I was here, I was able to escape, but not this time. 7
“Have Fun.” The man said before pressing a few glowing buttons. I heard a bunch of recognizable noises. There was screeching that hurt your ears. There was clinking of metal. Worst of all there was the sound of the other people behind me. Their murmurs and early screams sent shivers down my back. The ground began to shake under me. I held my breath until the sudden burst of air fit my face. There was a blinding light. Was I dead? I tried my best to open my eyes to notice I was staring straight up at the sky, gray clouds slowly grew closer to me. I was dead. I was going to heaven. What else could be happening?8
I could reach out my arm to stroke a cloud, but before I could even try I suddenly stopped midair. Oh no, was god questioning whether I deserved to go to heaven or not? Was I going to be sent to hell? There was a loud screech and suddenly I was looking down at the ground. Oh no, I was going to hell! A loud boom blasted through my ears and I was being sent straight at the ground. I, along with the other people, began to scream at the top of our lungs. My hair flew all over my face. Once I could move my hair away I noticed I was in the dark again.9
There he was! The man with a gun in his hand. He let out a terrible laugh and aimed the gun straight at me and the person sitting next to me.10
He shot the gun, a light flashing at the opening of the gun. He missed me, he missed all of us, but he continued to laugh and we sped away back into the open air. I suddenly could smell the aroma of popcorn. I heard children running around under me. I was sent up in the air and in a complete circle, my blood rushing to my head and back to my body. I screamed, giving myself a headache.11
God end my misery.12
Suddenly I was jerked forward and there was another screeching sound. The tall, muscular man helped me up.13
“Please exit towards your left.” He told all of us. I stood up on my shaking legs and walked away through the dark and down multiple stairs. Near the entrance I could see my brothers waiting for me.14
“How was the rollercoaster?” my youngest brother asked me. I began to stretch my arms and crack my back.15
“It was a silly baby ride.” I answered with a fake grin. 16
Author notes
Hope you liked it! I got this idea about a week ago 
PLEASE COMMENT!!!
A contest entry
- Surprise Ending! Win One Month Gold Membership! by Kevan.
500 points, ended August 3, 19 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Chiller by Bloody-Ink.
325 points, ended August 27, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Twisting Tales by Asfand.
400 points, ended November 18, 30 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
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Very good!
I like it. The beginning caught hooked me and made read the whole piece. The twist was also unexpected. I was totally surprised. You are a finalist. So congrats. Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.
Happy Writing.
Farhan. -
Wow! It was so intense. I again loved imagery you used.
I thought she was being held hostage in a school, or something, so the end was unexpected
To say the ending was suprising, is an understatement.. I loved it..
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A very nice, intriguing story.
I loved the beginning, it had a great hook and a nice engaging narrative.
Overall, the writing is nice, but obviously it could be better.
I guessed the twist about half-way through - the clinking of metal etc, those were nice hints ... and although the twist was more of an assertive for me, it was very creative.
Good work here.
Thanks for entering.
Good luck!
P1: deep feeling [I would suggest changing to 'strong feeling']
P3: coldness ['cold' would suffice]
P8: have Fun [ucapitalize F]
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It was good, I liked it. I had a feeling it was a rollercoaster fairly on but still a good description of the fear people can have from them.
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Very Nice
I thought this was fairly well written, although your sentence structure is a tad off. As for the flow, I was left with a few questions after each paragraph and though it was short, I was tempted to stop. Although this is a short short story, you should at least give the character a gender. Your detail was short, and I would've enjoyed it better had it been more descriptive. For the end, well it wasn't something I had initially thought of when I began reading. I did find a few errors and I shall list them below: (my suggestions for changes are in the [] brackets)
→ All I could see were glows around the room [;] they looked like green eyes staring at me. (paragraph 2)
→ They looks [looked or look] like green eyes staring at me. (which ever form your chose depends on the tense of the sentence. Is it past tense? In which it would be 'looked'. or present tense in which it would be 'look'.)
→ The screams were deafening. [To me, this particular sentence didn't seem to fit in with the rest of the paragraph.]
→ I watched a little boy cry as his mother held him close by. [this sentence should be placed in paragraph 3, since the acter is seeing these events.]
→ I might hyperventilate soon if I didn't [don't] stay calm. (The way this sentence is written, it is present tense. So the correct form is don't; didn't is the past tense form.)
→ The last time I was here,[remove first comma] I was able to escape, but not this time. (The first comma is not necessary due to the fact that if you were to read it aloud you would not pause at that point in the sentence.)
→ "Have Fun [fun]." (the word 'fun' should not be capitalized. It is neither at the beginning of a sentence nor a proper noun.)
→ Oh no, was god [God] questioning whether I deserved to go to heaven [Heaven] or not? (Since God and Heaven are proper nouns, they must be capitalized.)
→ Was I going to be sent to hell [Hell]? (Same rules apply as above. Hell is a proper noun, since it is the name of a place.)
→ Oh no, I was going to hell [Hell].
→ I, along with the other people, began to scream at the top of our [my] lungs. (Even though you are referring to a group of people, since it is in first person the proper word is 'my'.)
→ He shot the gun, a light flashing at the opening of the gun. [This sentence didn't sound right to me. There are a few possible changes you could make. You could say 'As he shot the gun, I saw a flash of light that came from the opening.' or 'He shot the gun, causing a flash of light to erupt from the opening.']
Over all, I didn't see this as a "scary" story. Some of the suspense factor was there, but no real fright. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
Bloody-Ink
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of course I doubted it after awhile. I was just thinking how scary rollercoasters were
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Wow, somehow, I was thinking of a rollercoaster. When I was readint the ending, I almost fell off the chair.
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LoLz nice
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Great Job
i was so surprised to see at the end that he was scared cause of the roller coaster. honestly. hahaha. i thought he was like in prison or something.
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haha. actually the characters is a SHE but that's whats good in this story. cuz it really doesnt matter the gender. this is kinda how i felt when i was waiting in line for my first rollercoaster
haha now i cant wait to get on another rollercoaster!
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Great
Such a display of emotion and fright, a great write. I half expected a ride through hell or something equally horrible. You sure have a knack for the unexpected. Keep up the good work and give us a real wild ride.
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thankyou
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Whoa, that so surprised me near the ending. I was thinking about death and the consequences; or, results afterwards, but the ending... Wow. Congrats, belated of course, with the silver. =]
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thanks <3
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Very straightforward and creative. I honestly laughed out loud when I reread the going to heaven and being sent down to hell idea, she was obviously just reacting to the effects of the roller coaster.
Thanks for sharing this and keep writing!
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thanks
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Well done, that caught me out. I was expecting some sort of dying scene, but you turned the story on its head. Well done. Oh, yeah, just gotta ask, is the title inspired by anything written by Darren Shan?
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Thanks
Darren Shan? I never even heard of him
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this was hilarious! at firstn I thought it was a holocaust thing then I figured it was a rollar coaster when we came to buttons and him lifting into the air. still it was a pretty himarious turn around!
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Hey that was cool. I liked that it didn't end in a tragic scene of blood and guts...
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thanks
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Hey
I really liked it, i kinda had an idea it was a roller coaster, but still really creative, i'll admit before i get on a ride i'm terrified. You summed it up perfectly.
Good luck int he contest!
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haha thanks. this is how i felt when i waiting in line for my first big roller coaster
hehe
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Really good. There was one part where I thought it might be a roller coaster, only because the guy had said "Have fun." but it could have been anything. Good job, and best of luck in the contest.
Keep writing,
Kevan. -
Wow, it's not the holocaust?!
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Oi, I know aye!
By paragra[h 5 I thort the story was about Nazis killing Jews... -
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Heehee, it was creative that's for sure
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whoa that was really good I though it was going to be some murder horror story but i ended up being a roller coaster I loved it!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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haha thanks! hooray my ending was surprising! hehe
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I know I really liked it!
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