"Are these what i think they are?!" he had screamed at her, while shaking the pills he had found in the front pocket of her back-pack.1
"Probably," she had replied, pretending not to care.2
With each memory, came another tear. Each tear fell on the cracked, dry ground, leaving a faint acknowledgement of her path. Then, they disappeared one by one, forever.3
"Are you having sex?!" he had screeched even louder. at this point she almost rolled her eyes, but decided just in time that it might make things worse.4
"Maybe," she had lied, while she wondered if the neighbors could here him. Then, she decided that she didn't care. Really, tbe pills were just there so that it would appear that she was having sex, just like everyone else, it seemed. Obviously, they had worked.5
With each tear, came another step. and each step raised the slightest cloud of dust beneath her feet. Then, it settled, but still left the harsh lines of the bottom of her shoes, to remain as long as they could.6
"You're just a little s l u t, aren't you?" he had hissed, revolted.7
With that, she had dropped her mask of indifference, and stared at him, shocked and hurt. "What??" she thought, "Did he just say that? Did he really just say that???"8
With each step, came another, and another, and another, until she reached the edge. Breathing heavily, she stopped, and looked down.9
She couldn't believe what she saw. The ground seemed an eternity away. "That's good" she thought. "I want to enjoy it as much as possible" Then, unconsciously, she pulled back; she was getting dizzy from the thought of what she was about to do.10
She had mumbled something about everyone having them. Well, that wasn't the whole truth. not many people had the pills, considering that they didn't care about using them.11
She hovered at the edge, hesitating. "Should i, should i not, should i, should i not?" she repeated in her head, as she concentrated on shredding the dead flower in her hands.12
"So, if everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?!" he had yelled. his face was red, bulging veins in his neck, and spit on the corner of his mouth; a direct contrast to her. She was calm and composed, despite the slightly paler tint to her face.13
She had stared at him, at loss for what to say.14
Well, now she had her answer.15
"Almost," she whispered, then turned around, and let herself fall.16
Author notes
please critique. thanx.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Loved it!
Oh my gosh, that was amazing.
The first story I've read on this site too.
He reminds me of my dad, ignorant and stuck-in-his-ways.
I often found myself trying to deliberately anger him, pretending not to care, not actually caring, it's all the same.
I did think it looked a little odd with the way you've used spaces and back-slashes, but I can see why you've used them.
I'm not actually sure of the meaning at the end, I mean, there are serveral I can think of.
Very well done! -
Enjoyed the build up in this.It was a must to keep reading to the end.Good write
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2 Thumbs up
wow i honeslty got goose bumps on this awesome short story !!! if only parents taht are about to do the same thing to a child could read this it would make a world of diffrence !! great write it was an honor to read... If u are to comment on my poem please have at least one of them be WHO VOTED FOR THIS MAN wether u like what it says or not thank u and keep on writing! -
For once I don't have to reply just to get a return reply. This is good, for an angsty peice. Actually, I think it's an excellent extra-short story about how parents really can effect their children on what they say if they're not careful. Even the ones that rebel really do want some attention now and then, and no one can stand never being trusted. How can a parent lose faith in their own child? A self-damaging problem originates with the parents.
~Sephy J -
wow... i wish it was longer than this. really. i have a close friend that goes through situations like this with he rparents all the time. very scary. i hope that youre not having to deal with these sorts of things. not too directly, at least. heh...
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I agree, this story has a lot of potential. Try developing it further, deeper into her mind and heart. Overall, it's an emotional charged piece, just needs defining and more detail. I also was wondering about the \ at the beginning and ends of some of the sentences.
Keep working on this, make the reader 'feel' the tension, the emotion. Make us feel what you're feeling when your father talks to you in such a way. Read it over and over, outloud, silently, let the emotions take over.
You're off to a good start with this...now develope it into the story it can be.
I like to write short stories, too, and will be doing more of them in the future.
I'll be checking on yours
Dee
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Potential
I liked this. You seamlessly mixed the past and the present in a very effective way. I agree with the other comments that this has potential for development into a longer piece.
I would have liked to have had more emotional insight into inside of her head. She's literally at the brink of suicide, so I think that you need to make the reader feel this more. Surely, at the point of suicide, emotions are heightened to their very limit but I didn't feel that so much here. It's effective that you show the father, but I really wanted to know more about her. Maybe this would come if you developed the piece more?
I'd work on the fist paragraph too. It's a bit of a long sentence. I think you need to make the opening as exciting as possible to draw the readers in. It lost me slighty at the start, which is a shame because it's a very good short piece. Why not begin by using the dialogue from her father? Begin in the past, then flash forward to the present, then back to the past. I think that would make for an effective opening.
Overall, I enjoyed reading this and I think it has a lot of potential to be a really effective piece of writing.
(Oh yeah, I'd agree with removing the // marks. They're a bit distracting and I'm not sure what they're for...)
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oh wow. this is really good. and very interesting. and I was in a way surprised by the ending. very good write, keep it up
best wishes,
Amanda -
sad
I got a slight shiver at the end. Good ending. I know people with filth like that for parents. they know nothing. -
Great story, I don't care for the /// though. Just my opinion, but a really good write. Also, spellcheck. I like the imagery and the story.
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I know how hard it is to get stories read on this site, so I thought I would check this out, this was a really clever write, I think that you need to add to it. Don't be afraid to make it longer and add some depth and meaning to it. I liked the ending, I like how you used the two and wrapped them into one, it was clever, I noticed a typo, sult should bve Slut. I think this has potential to be something really good so keep working on it. Also one last thing. You should get rid of all the // things they are distracting. Nice story though. xxx QueenT ooo
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Amazing. Sometimes your parents can drive you to do the most insane things ever...
I don't know why nobody has commented. This is brilliant, and I'm very glad I found this from SP.
Lots of love
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Just a small suggestion, make the font a little darker.
Clever ending. Parents can be so lovely at times. Honestly, I can't find any complaints in my system for this. I like how you had it flash back and forth between present and past, that was smooth.
~Zave
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