From the Journal of Elizabeth August 26, 2006

From the Journal of Elizabeth1

August 26, 20062

Today was a bad day. Why was it that the day after always seemed to be the worst? I still hadn't cried though, and that was a good thing. But, my heart felt heavy in my chest, weighing me down like a two ton sack of bricks. My arms ached from the fresh wounds across the bottom side but the relief from the ache was gone. 3

My phone vibrated next to me. I rolled over in bed and reached for it. Seeing that it was Nathan, I choked up a bit. I'd ignored his calls all night, too ashamed to admit to what I did, but not brave enough to lie to him. I hit the answer button and brought the phone up to my hear.4

“Hey,” I said. My voice cracked from the usage so quickly after waking up.5

“Elizabeth, are you okay? You scared the crap out of me...I tried calling you last night and you never answered.” 6

“Yeah,” I assured him. “I'm fine.” My voice was empty, which was better than the emotions of guilt and sorrow it could be betraying.7

“Promise?” he asked me. My gut tied into a knot. Here we go, I thought.8

“Of course I do.”9

“Then say it,” he countered. 10

“It.”11

“Say you promise,” he said softly. “Please?”12

“You promise,” I grinned a bit when I said it, but felt bad immediately after for being cocky. 13

“Elizabeth, whats wrong?” he asked me.14

I sighed, “I don't want to say...” 15

“Please...tell me.” 16

“I don't want to...”17

“What did you do?” his voice turned dark, not with anger, but with worry. “Elizabeth?” 18

I took deep breaths, determined not to cry. I was done with crying. I pressed my lips together and shook my head, even though he couldn't see it. 19

“Do you need me to come over?” he asked.20

I nodded my head and then, realizing he couldn't hear a nod said, “yes.” 21

“Okay, I'll be there in ten minutes, don't do anything until I get there, alright? Just stay where you are.” 22

“Okay,” I agreed in a hushed voice. I could hear the line disconnect on his and and set my phone down.23

I didn't figure getting out of bed and getting dressed counted against me for “not doing anything.” I went to my closet and threw on a band t-shirt and a comfortable pair of jeans. My hair was fine the way it was, messy and unkempt. If it was anyone but Nathan...I thought to myself...theres no way I'd be seen like this. 24

As is though, it really was only Nathan. How I looked didn't matter much around him. Me was me. That was good enough.25

There was a knock on my bedroom door, and I realized that short sleeves probably wasn't the best choice for clothing. I quickly reached for a hoodie and pulled it up over my head. 26

“Hey,” I mumbled, opening the door to let him inside my room. “How are you?”27

“Not good,” he said. “Mainly because you look like you've had one heck of a night, and didn't call me so I could help you.”28

“I'm sorry,” I whimpered, sitting down on my floor. Nathan sat next to me and put his arm around my shoulder.29

“It's okay. It's over and I'm here now. You're okay.” 30

“You're going to be mad at me...” I said, keeping my eyes focused firmly on the reflection of light off my CD cover across the room. I refused to look at Nathan. I didn't want to see the reaction in his eyes. 31

“I really don't think so,” he disagreed. “I've never been mad at you.” 32

“Theres a first time for everything,”I reminded him. As I went to move away from him, he caught me by my wrist. I winced in pain, and tried desperately to cover it up. 33

“What is it?” he cried, noticing the way I flinched from his grasp. “What happened?” 34

“I was stupid,” I told him. “Really, really stupid.” 35

I breathed in and rolled my sleeve up to show the result of my weakness. Nathan let his eyes drop to the red lines across my skin and quickly pulled my sleeve back over to cover them.36

“Why did you do it?” he asked.37

“I didn't want to cry anymore...I'm sick of being a baby...” I explained. 38

“I don't understand...” he whispered. “Couldn't you have called me, or Amber? Someone?”39

“I didn't want anyone to worry...” I told him. “I hate it when you guys worry.” 40

“I would have been less worried had you answered my calls last night.” 41

“I'm sorry...” I said again.42

“Don't be. It's done and over and in the past. I nodded and let him pull me into his arms, thanking God I had a friend like Nathan.