From the Journal of Elizabeth August 25, 2006

From the Journal of Elizabeth1

August 25, 20062

The day Jarred left is a day that I would never forget. 3

He and I sat entwined on the seat of Nathans car. Nathan and Amber were off helping his parents load furniture into the truck. We were given our alone time, and I was grateful. 4

“Just breathe. We'll be fine. I'm not going to leave you, and you're not going to leave me.” 5

“What if you find someone better though? What if you decide you want someone closer to home?”6

“I wont. You're being crazy.”7

“I'm just scared,” I breathed snuggling close to him. The two of us held onto each other, despite the heat, like two lovers in a snowstorm. I looked at the clock, feeling like Cinderella, only my deadline was noon, not midnight. 8

“Don't look at the time,” Jarred said, pushing my face to his chest again. “I want to pretend we have forever.”9

“We're down to the last minutes though...” I whispered. “I don't want this to end.” 10

“Don't think about it ending. Nothing is different. We'll still see each other on holidays and I'll spend as much time as I can here in the summer.” 11

“But...you're going across the country. We'll see each other once every few months...”12

“We'll be fine. I love you, and you love me. Thats all that matters.”13

I nodded my head as the last bit of furniture was loaded into the moving truck. 14

Damn his parents for being so punctual. 15

“Come on Jarred, its time to go,” his dad yelled at us. I groaned and looked up, doing my best to hide the tears. Jarred looked like he was close to crying too.16

We got out of the car and I walked him to his parents. He hugged Amber and Nathan before turning to me and kissing me one last time.17

“I love you, and I'll call you tonight. Promise. I'll see you at Thanksgiving.” He lowered himself into the car and closed the door, vanishing behind the tint.18

Amber turned and walked back to Nathans car. I stood there in the driveway, watching them pull away onto the street. Even after they had completely gone from my view I continued to watch, imagining them pulling back in to the empty home. 19

Then the realization hit me. They weren't coming back to this house, ever. They weren't even coming for a visit until November. That was too far away. Nathan pulled me to him and hugged me tightly.20

“You'll be okay, I promise.” 21

“It doesn't feel like it.”22

“You have to be,” he argued. “For me and for Jarred.” 23

“Is Amber alright?” I asked nodding to the car. “She seems like she's been mad at me for a while.”24

“She's not mad at you. She's just upset about Jarred leaving. She'll be fine just like you.” 25

“I hope she's better than I am. I don't feel very okay right now.” 26

“You'll be fine though. I promise. Are you going to hang out with me and Amber for the day, or do you want me to take you home?” 27

“I think I want to go home. I don't want my bad mood to affect you guys.” 28

“I'd rather have you with us,” Nathan told me as he folded his arms. “I like knowing that you're not off doing something stupid.” 29

“What are you guys going to do today?” I asked.30

“Not sure. Maybe we'll go see a movie or something.” 31

Amber walked up and locked her hand firmly with Nathans. For some reason the action seemed off. 32

“Are you ready to take her home now?” Amber asked looking between the two of us. I shifted the weight from one foot to the other and sighed. 33

“I don't know,” Nathan said. “What do you want to do?” 34

His gaze met mine and my heart did a flip flop based on the look in his eye. What was that look? I shifted myself so I could face Amber. The look on her face was unreadable, which meant she probably wanted me to go away. 35

“I'll just go home,” I said, refusing to take my eyes away from Ambers. She maintained her facial expression. She probably wanted time alone with Nathan. She was losing her best friend after all. 36

Nathan let his lips form into a thin line. I could see the worry crease his brow and I looked away again. I hated it when he worried but I was worried about Amber too. She seemed almost as upset as I was.37

“I've got stuff I need to do anyway,”I added quickly. “It's no big deal.” 38

Nathan sighed and walked over to the car as he got into the passenger seat. I stood there for another minute, watching them bicker discreetly in the front seat. Beyond that was the empty home of Jarred's family. It hurt to see that. I could feel a gaping hole forming in my chest. I clutched on to myself and hurried to the backseat, suddenly more than ready to get away from this place. 39

The car ride home would have been silent, in the awkward way, if it wasn't for the radio Nathan had blaring. It was easy to see that they were fighting even though I really didn't understand why. They always seemed so happy. 40

Nathan dropped me off at home and peeled out of the driveway. Okay, he was definitely pissed. 41

But the gaping hole in my stomach was definitely forming again. I could feel the tears coming, but God, I was so sick of them. I rushed into my room trying desperately to find a way to stop the flow of my tears. I didn't want to cry anymore. I was so done with it all. 42

I searched frantically through my dresser drawers to find anything that could take my pain away and keep the tears from falling. 43

A glint of silver caught my eye as it reflected the light from the window. I took a deep breath and reached for it, revealing the small blade of my pocket knife. 44

I took the treasure in my shaking hands and pressed it to my veins. Skin broke, blood pushed from the open wound and I could feel myself relax with the sense of relief it gave me. 45

After a few minutes the blood flow ceased, as did the relief.46

I did it again.47

And again.48

And again.49

Nathan wasn't going to be very happy with me...