Everything is not what it seems

Charlotte looked up at the marble columns on the building and adjusted the bodice on her gown. 1

It was beautiful made of a flowing white material that was beaded with gems and diamonds that sparkled and caught the light as she moved. The hem of the dress was trimmed in gold. She lifted the golden mask to her face and fastened the strap behind her head. It looked wonderful compared to her milky pale skin and pale pink lips and her blue eyes stood out against the colors of her gown. Her curly chocolate brown hair was pulled back in a long, low ponytail. Some pieces had fallen out by now and framed her sweet heart shaped face.2

She pulled her gown up and looked down at her feet and her shiny golden flats. As if she needed heels. She was tall enough as it is.3

She slipped her phone in the folds of her dress and sighed. She felt beautiful, but underneath that pearly smile her stomach was doing somersaults. The Golden Masquerade Ball was important to her-to her classmates-and this was her first year attending.4

She was bound to be nervous, right?5

Couples filed up into the building around her making their way up the steps to the Grand Ballroom.6

She couldn’t recognize anyone.7

With a heavy sigh she began to make her way up the steps keeping her head lowered to the ground. She walked down the hall and turned into the ballroom. 8

She gasped. 9

Everything was so-beautiful. The ballroom was lit by thousands of candles placed around the room. White and gold material draped the walls. Couples in ornate ball gowns decorated the floor, but still Charlotte felt so alone.10

She made her way over to a table and settled down into a chair picking at the flowered centerpiece in the middle of the table. 11

“Did you come alone? Or is your date-elsewhere?” a deep beautiful voice asked.12

Charlotte turned her head a bit to stare straight into a deep sea of evergreen forests. He had wonderful green eyes and deep black tousled hair. His mask was blue and he was wearing a tailcoat and trousers. She took a deep breath and opened her mouth fumbling for something to say.13

He smelled sweet and so seductive-like honey. His skin was the same milky white color of her own.14

“I-I came alone,” She mumbled softly.15

He nodded. “Charlotte right?”16

She nodded.17

“I’m Seth.”18

“Seth,” she repeated. 19

He nodded.20

“Shouldn’t you be with your date?” Charlotte asked.21

“Not if I don’t have one.”22

She just blinked.23

“I was wondering,” he said. “If you would want to dance?”24

She smiled and blushed. “Uh . . . sure.”25

He held his hand out to her and she stood. She placed her hand lightly in his own and allowed him to lead her out on the floor.26

He placed his hand on the small of her back and held her lightly like he was afraid she would break.27

The music was soft in her ears. She couldn’t help but stare at him. Her lips were parted and her breathing was heavy, but he let her move her around the floor spinning and twirling like an expert.28

“You don’t have to be afraid,” he whispered reading the tension in her body.29

“I’m not. . Afraid. I’m intimidated. You’re good at this.”30

“You’re not so bad yourself,” he said spinning her around. “You just need to relax.”31

“Oh. . .”32

“So, this is your first year here?”33

She nodded.34

“I’m glad,” he said.35

She took in a deep breath.36

“So if you’re Charlotte-you do track right?”37

“I thought the point of a Masquerade is that you don’t know who is who,” She mumbled softly just giving an excuse not to say much.38

He laughed. “I’m sorry. I forgot.” He flashed her a friendly smile.39

Charlotte nodded.40

She didn’t know how long they danced. She felt drunk on it all like she could have moved all night. It was a total shock when she felt his fingers digging into her back.41

“Ow,” She yelped taking a step away from him.42

He lifted his hand away and looked down at his fingers and then up at the ceiling as if he could look out into the sky.43

“I’m sorry,” he whispered angrily. “I should go.”44

She shook her head and gritted her teeth against the pain. “No. I’m okay. Really.” She smiled at him.45

He bit his lip. His teeth looked sharper.46

When he noticed her staring he closed his mouth. 47

Charlotte stared at him.48

He was shaking. . .49

“No. I need to go. I’m sorry.” He leaned forward and kissed her on her neck.50

He was cold.51

Charlotte pulled away. 52

He smiled one last time before slipping off into the crowd.53

In a burst of intuition, she snaked through the crowd and began to follow him.54

He didn’t bother to take his time. He moved quickly pushing people aside. Cries of protest sounded, but no one approached him.55

They only stared as she followed him.56

Once in the hallway he glanced around him and sure that he was alone, he broke of into a run.57

Charlotte lifted her dress and rushed after him. She pushed the door open and stepped down onto the marble steps.58

The air was cold and snow was softly falling. 59

Seth was gone.60

She ran down the steps and walked down the sidewalk glancing into the first alley. A dark shape loomed.61

She pulled back and leaned against the cool wall of the building to peer into the alley.62

The shape looked around him before breaking off into a run and shifting midway through it.63

His form wavered and suddenly he was running on all fours in the shape of a wolf. He had an inky black coat the same color as his hair.64

A werewolf. . 65

Charlotte shook her head. “Seth . . . a werewolf,” she whispered. She looked up into the sky to face a full moon.66

Trying to suppress her fear she turned into the alley and ran after him.67

But he was gone.68

While faces may have been hidden Charlotte had now discovered that so were secrets.69

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Comments


  • Lady Pixie Greeters member
    July 26

    Edit | Reply
    This was interesting and the descriptions were good. The emotion seemed a little downplayed, though, in my opinion I think. The narrator/main character of the story was nervous to be there and felt alone... and even though you mentioned it.. I don't know, I just didn't feel the depth behind it. Same goes with the ending when she discovered what her mysterious masked friend actually was.

    But then again, I'm a very emotionally driven person- so it may just be me.

    And it was a good story, so don't take my criticism the wrong way


    I did catch a few small grammatical errors that I'd like to leave suggestions on. I hope you don't mind. This is simply to help fix the errors/improve the grammar of the piece. I'm not perfect myself and always open and happy when people offer constructive criticism to help me out as well.

    Suggesions:

    It was beautiful made of a flowing white material that was beaded with gems and diamonds that sparkled and caught the light as she moved. (p 2)

    in this sentence, you either should change the word 'beautiful' to 'beautifully'... or simply place a comma after 'beautiful'. Either way, it would help improve the flow of the sentence.


    Everything was so-beautiful. (p 10)

    no dash in between 'so beautiful'


    “You don’t have to be afraid,” he whispered reading the tension in her body. (p 29)

    comma after whispered


    Trying to suppress her fear she turned into the alley and ran after him. (p 67)

    comma after fear


    While faces may have been hidden Charlotte had now discovered that so were secrets. (p 69)

    comma after hidden


    Overall, great work. I really enjoyed the read Thank you for entering "I Invite You To The Masquerade"

  • Marta gold member
    July 25
    Edit | Reply
    A good job. A nice story.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.