Everything Sparkles in SanFrancisco Chapter 13 & Epilouge

Chapter 13- Epiphany 1

I slammed the door behind me and dropped my keys on the floor. “This isn’t real.” I still cried. I ran into my room and pulled out the drawer. There it was. The same place I’ve left it this whole time I’ve lived here. My butterfly knife. I picked it up and slowly released the clasp and jerked the blade so it came free. One stab to the heart, that’s all it would take. Then I’ll be with Archie again. It will all be over; there won’t be any more pain. I was going to do it. “Archie, I love you, I c-can’t do this without you. I can’t, I can’t be happy.” So many thoughts ran through my head. Meeting Archie for the first time, kissing him. Talking to him on my bed…I- wait.2

“Open your eyes Archie.” He did as he was told. “Now you listen to me,” Archie’s face remained apathetic, even to my harsh tone. “If Alex died, and you were together, he wouldn’t want you to live in sadness; he wouldn’t want you to feel guilty about kissing or being with other people. He would want you to move and find someone else.” 3

I dropped the knife. I pulled out a piece of paper and a pen and began to write.4

I’m writing this to myself hoping that other people will see this and be inspired. Being somewhere new is always difficult. It’s different, usually not the same as where you once were. Well, these past couple weeks I’ve been changed. By my friends, my aunt, and by the streets of San Francisco. I use to live in Charlotte, N.C But now I’ve found a new place to call home here in The Castro. Even though I was brought here by death this city has given me life. Before I came here, I didn’t know who I was. Now I do. Thank you Aunt Alexis, Amber, Alice, and especially Archie. I couldn’t have asked for a better home. Thank you for making me feel welcome here. I wouldn’t have made it these past couple of weeks without you.5

Love Always- Connor Goodwin6

I’m going to live for you.7

Epilogue8

I can’t believe I was going to kill myself that night, realizing who I really was, was a big deal. All of a sudden I understand. I can live now. Meeting Archie was the best thing that ever happened to me, I know he’s dead, but he served his purpose. He did some great things. He completed high school, he had good friends, he was happy. He taught me who I really am.9

Run. Eat. Drink. Eat More. Don’t throw up. Instead breathe. Then exhale. Pause. Make a phone call. Open a door. Walk in the park. Ride in a car. Ride in a bus. Talk. Talk to people. Read. Read stories. Make stories. Make love. Talk about your love. Get interviewed. Get a job. Celebrate. Have a party. Write a love letter. Write a thank-you note. Hug your Aunt. Kiss your Aunt. Dream of Archie. Dream of him more. Think of him. Remember him. Keep him in your thoughts. Don’t forget him. Cherish him. Go to a movie with people. Heck, go to a movie with Alice. Tell people your story. Live your story. Volunteer. Help people. Help people like you. Show them not to be afraid. Don’t be afraid of dying. Don’t be afraid of living. Don’t be afraid of being gay. Travel. Fly leap. Dive. Meet. Love. Dance. Smile. Laugh. Hold. Walk. Step. Skip. Okay its gay, whatever, you are, skip. Play. Jog. Run. Watch. Watch your life and enjoy. Enjoy. Enjoy life. Take these verbs and enjoy them. They’re yours, Connor you deserve them because you chose them. You could have left them all behind but you chose to stay here so no live for real, Connor. Live. Live. Live. Live.10

Live. 11