It was that time of night.1
They'd come for her, and it was no surprise to Rose when they knocked on the door in her skull. She didn't answer, of course, and they didn't care. They broke down the door with imaginary strength, and this was all fine and routine. 2
Rose stared with listless wonder at all the dust and shattered beliefs crowded on the vacant streets. And the things, always the things were there. They dragged her with ropes of fear, and the silent threat of whips was ever present. Whips of panic. 3
And they walked through the streets for so long that the minutes ganged up on each other and merged to become countless hours. 4
There was no sound at this stage of the proceedings, not even Rose's own breath could be heard. She could feel her pulse, but neither breath nor heart nor the crunch of dust under foot made even the slightest auditory whisper. 5
But they had reached the desert, made not of sand but dust and ash, as she had noted on her first visit. They turned, then, and when they spoke the words appeared instantly in Rose's mind without troubling her ears. 6
" You know what we want. You know how to end this ". They spoke at once, without individual voices.
"Yes" said Rose.
" Give in! If we take the small one, we won't need to feed off you anymore ". Rose knew it.
"I won't give in". She fought back the treacherous tears, knowing they would show her weakness.
" Then it will be you ".
They began. 7
What began as a mild trickling sensation slowly became a splitting headache, and finally a searing agony as pieces of mind disappeared one by one. In chunks and crumbs.
" Do you change your mind yet? Will you give it as promised, or will we have to take the debt by force? " Rose heard the meaning over the loudness of pain, but all she could muster was:
"No". 8
As her rolling eyes took in the surrounding dusty shadows, she didn't need a tourist pamphlet to tell her this was the Land of Dreams. 9
* 10
11
Author notes
I have an idea for a new story, and this is a possible idea for the prologue. =]
[Slight grammatical corrections made].
A contest entry
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Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Under word limit
Sorry but my mininim word count was 400 and u went under by 100 sorry. Im not going to DQ it but instead i didnt read it or comment properly. Soory again dont get offended!
*Sad*
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Don't worry, I should have checked my word-count properly.
None taken.
x
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Hmmmm.......
This has promise, but it needs a little tidying in the typo department, just check the following:
Para 3 "And the things, always the things where there." Should it be WERE there? "They dragged her with ropes of fear and the silent threat of whips was ever present." I thik it would be a little better with a comma after "fear", as this would be how it would be read. You've written poetry in the past, so you'll probably know the value of reading your composition aloud. always read it aloud and see where a little more grammar is necessary.
Para 4 was excellent, a real gem of descriptive writing, very well done.
Para 5. I just wonder if the penultimate word should be audible? Auditory relates to the sense, audible to the sound; perhaps I'm being a little pedantic here.
Para 6 was easy to understand, but I think the grammar needs adjusting a little, as in, "But they had reached the desert, made not of sand, but dust and ash as she had noted on her first visit. They turned, then, and when they spoke, the words appeared instantly in Rose's mind without taking the trouble to disturb her ears." The last sentence is a little too wordy, why not "....when they spoke, the words appeared instantly in Rose's mind without troubling her ears." just a suggestion.
Para 8 "What began as a mild trickling sensation...." Should it be "tickling"?
All in all, a very well-written and nicely paced piece, and I feel you have taken time and trouble over it. Naturally, these suggestions are just that; feel free to ignore them! -
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*Gives 5 stars*
Thank you so much for all the advice. I'll be putting your words into action, apart from that last point. I did indeed mean 'trickling' like, how a stream would 'trickle'.
XD @ Para 4. Thankyou!
Oh and thanks for reading. I'm happy you think it has 'promise' =D ... x
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Oooh, scary... It makes me want to ask a lot of questions. I WANT MORE!!!
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xD I'm happy to hear it. ^^ I want more too. I just have to wait for it to 'come to me' so to speak. .. x
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