You're Gone

I’m sitting on the porch.1

No one else is here.2

I am alone in this large old beige house, the same one we had made our home in. The trees are turning wonderful golden, bronze and crimson colors in the back and the grass is already the color of wheat. The blue sky above me calls to the birds, I can see them doing turns and flips as hey chase each other and play carelessly for the moment.3

I can’t understand their happiness right now.4

Strangely enough there is a bright yellow bird with all the brown out there in the sky. I wonder where this bright yellow bird came from. Surely this happy color could not have come from the dirt brown birds that often nest around here. It isn’t the same size or figure as all its dully colored friends. The other birds don’t care that he is so very different from them; they must only see the similarities. They may only see how he feels alive in the sky, just as they do, or how he does his turns and flips with just as much grace and happiness as they do.5

Happiness.6

These birds seems to have everything I do not.7

They live in a world where differences are ignored and similarities are cherished not enforced. They have love, friends and freedom. They have happiness.8

What is it that let’s these simple creatures gain everything I cherish. What allows there little claws to grasp and hang onto such things while my fingers drag and slide over what I try so hard to take hold of.9

It seems unfair at first but then I see how they fly in peace, they deserve all the happiness they have and more. I could never wish this pain on those birds, they could never deserve it.10

I reach for the drink next to me. It’s the White Zinfandel you gave to me for my birthday. I had been saving it for a time when we could share it together.11

But I guess that was just a dream.12

Is that what keeps these birds happy? They still have hope? Or is it that they are such simple creatures that they can enjoy the present without worrying and dreaming about the future; that way they are never disappointed.13

The long blonde grass is rustling in the distance. I can’t help get a flurry in my chest as I look for you. But instead ducks come waddling into the clearing just in front of the porch. The mother ducks looks at me and I look back at her. Where is her husband, we both wonder. I look over at the rustling just behind the babies and a tall duck with colorful green plumage emerges as if in answer. I look back at the duck in front and she looks up at me. Why is she waiting? Doesn’t she see my pain? Can’t she tell I’m alone?14

I can’t help but look away from the duck and soon I hear them start their journey past my yard and on to where ever they plan to make their new home.15

I am still here. You aren’t. I’m alone.16

This wine tastes fantastic. Had you been here you would be sitting by me with one of your strong hands in mine and the other lightly around the crystal wine glass I love to use when we sit together. Either out on the porch during the day watching the birds or at night when the cobalt sky has stains of light for us to be in awe of.17

I'm sitting the whine down.18

It’s lost its taste.19

I need to go to the store.20

I haven’t left our house in a while. 21

People have been calling me. I’ve listened to some of the messages. But not all of them. Elli has called. But her perky voice makes my heart break when I hear it; I can’t listen to her messages anymore. I know she’s worried. I can’t call her back.22

Miveor has called. I can listen to most of his messages. They say the same things though. Once he says your name I fast forward now. I just can’t yet. I just can’t talk to him or anyone yet.23

Still, I have to go to the store.24

In Miveor’s last message he says I can’t afford to act so differently. He guessed that I wasn’t answering anyone’s phones calls, how perceptive, and that I hadn’t spoken to anyone since I found out you were…25

He wishes he could come to see me. I wish it was him instead of you.26

Damn it! I don’t want to go to the store!27

He was your best friend and so I grew to love him too. I never want him hurt. How could I ever wish something like that!28

I can’t help but start crying again. I thought my eyes were dry yet more come and come and come! I feel so alone and frustrated and I have to go to the store?29

Miveor is right, I have to try to act normal. You would tell me the same thing.30

I get out of bed slowly and stagger into the walk in closet with all of my clothes hung up neatly. How could this look and feel so normal when everything was so very different. I was always ok that your clothes had to be hidden but not seeing them in here made my eyes flood with more tears.31

I can’t choose what to wear. I’m walking around trying to decide what color or style would be comfortable and look normal but nothing seems right. It all seems so bland and colorless and the fabrics don’t feel right when I brush my hands over them. The best thing I can think of is to close my eyes and just walk around the closet feeling all these things I have worn and liked at some point. I stop and rub my fingers over a soft yet silky fabric. I open my eyes to see what my fingers might have chosen for me.32

A casual dress. More tears squeeze from my eyes as I shut them tightly and cling to the dress.33

I wore this when we first kissed.34

“No!” I fall to the ground still clinging to the dress. It follows my hand towards the floor, slipping off the hanger in an attempt to console me. With my eyes still closed and tears still running out of the slits I lay down and pull the dress over so that my other hand can feel the fabric, the soft alluring fabric.35

They say the five steps of grieving are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. 36

Which step am I in? I felt more tears on my cheeks and a heat behind my nose signifying the awaiting flood of tears and pain that carried my limp body through each day. When will it stop hurting? I felt my chest lurch and my heart push against my rib cage.37

When will it end?38

These steps take far to long.