Needles & Pins [Prologue]

[ Warning - Before you read I would like to make you aware that this is my character Krista's nightmare]1


Coma white. The demons sang to me. Possessing my life from the transparent tubes that ran through my body that were keeping me alive, but only just as the devil pulled the final cord.2

Ethel lay with his body wrapped around mine. The anemic bedsheets tangled around us. Our fingers intertwined- warm sweaty palms not ready to let go of one another. Not yet. It was too soon.3

I stroked his silvery nails. It was the only part I could use that didn't hurt- my hands, but I could still feel the awkward sensation of the blood pressure machine compressing and releasing every so often. The traffic light colors flickering and beeping. Monitoring me with every breath I took. I lay in silence.4

Ethel stared up at the white Victorian light that hung from a rusted ceiling rail. It swayed back and forth in the airless room. The energy officiant light light blinking each time I shut my eyes to spare Ethel the agony of seeing me in pain.5

I played games with the ceiling. Its dark light less features reminding me of the bottom of a well. The chips that flakes bit by bit falling from the ceiling reminding me of my towns annual snow fall. It made me feel no more at home than anywhere else I had been.6

I dropped my eyes scanning my surrounding behind the pale curtains the nurse had draped around my bed for privacy. I could see nothing, feel nothing, hear nothing but the wheezing sound of Ethel's irregular breathing,7

In a failed attempt to shuffle closer towards Ethel I felt a cord wedge underneath his body. Hooking onto the corner of his studded belt. His little silver studded belt that I had him sew on to his jeans the day that I was admitted.8

Ethel moved closer towards me. His heavy weight flattening the cord. Behind him I could see the line of a growing shape. A figure onyx as the ceiling and transparent as my cords.9

“Ethel,” I whispered in a strained, hoarse voice. “I can see it,” I said.10

Ethel raised his eyebrows. His comfortable smile facing into a frightened frown.11

“Krista?” He asked in a hushed tone. His fingers caressing mine. 12

Ethel's stud pierced the cord.13

“What do you see?”14

Ethel raised his boy above mine reaching for the cord. His fingers coated in cardinal liquid.15

“Krista,” he screamed pulling away at the cord. The tape ripped clean from my bare, gummy wrist.16

The room and my surrounding, the curtains turned platinum white. They glowed angelically.17

Ethel pulled another cord. This time releasing it from my upper arm.18

“Ethel,” I screamed. A strangled, hopeless scream as he could not hear me. I could not hear me. My senses where disappointing one by one.19

“Ethel stop it,” I howled fire burning tears that streamed down my hollowed cheek bones. Hitting my throat aster then they would had I been healthy. Had I been normal.20

“Krista I don't know what's happening. I can't stop,” Ethel screamed waving his hands above my face. His fingers blurred. They'd grown wings and were dancing in front of me. Traveling at a speed my site and mind could not comprehend. I was loosing it.21

Ethel was fading into white. Coma white. The white they had warned me about.22

“What do I do Krista?” Ethel shrieked grabbing my rigid poisoned body.23

The machines around me had called coded red. My life line was sinking lower.24

“Oh devil won't you come- come free me from these pins and needles,” I sang to myself an old song I had heard a cynical young man sing in the waiting room while he waited for his test results. 25

Ethel propped my body into a sitting position. I could fee his hot, hands on the arch of my back unfastening my my blood streaked gown.26

I smiled a half baked smile. My body beginning to shake beneath Ethel's fingers. I could taste the rich tainted taste of crimson liquid frothing from my mouth. The blackened toxic seeping from my lips.27

The trembles set in. First small jolts that caused Ethel to fall backwards on the bed. His thick hair hanging from the edge of the bed. Cascading like Satan's river of hell.28

The shaking became violent. My organs screamed for oxygen that I was being denied. Two fading hands wrapped around my throat. Leaving me in an asphyxiated state.29

Ethel Crawled towards me holding ever cord in his hands. He worked as fast as his fingers could allow him to reattach the cords to my body. His eyes swollen by tears.30

“Somebody help me,” Ethel screamed getting his fingers tangled around the mess. Helpless he let my body fall and in one fluid motion Ethel pulled the final cord.31

Ethel's chocolate brown pupils dilated. His stare penetrating regret into my squinting eyes.32

My shuddering body lay rigid on the sheets.33

I watched with blinking, blood-shot eyes as Ethel moved in slow motion pulling the illuminated cream curtains aside. Running towards the come white light.34

“I saw death,” I whispered.35


Author notes

I thought I might explain this in case anyone is confused.
This is a nightmare Krista has – I cannot tell you why exactly as I do not know myself.
But I wanted to start my story with a nightmare.

This is a real nightmare I had, but I embellished it a fair bit. In my dream their were no shadows. My partner and I were the only ones in the room, but I did not understand why he would continue to pull the cords. He kept going trying to fix it, but the look on his face was one of a mad mans.

I was in the hospital because I had been diagnosed with advanced cancer and it was only a matter of time before I was going to pass away. I was on life support, but I was not in a coma. I was wide away, but very weak.

In my dream I went into a epileptic fit. The room was surreal. It turned white. Like in the movies when people are dying. But I could see everything in slow motion and my partner was naked and angelic. He was my guardian angel and he had betrayed me.

I am wondering it my dream sounds more interesting than my story and if I should write a few draft of the same scene before I start the project. Your honestly would be much appreciated.

This is not a topic I enjoy immensely writing about. Demons and such because of my history with the supernatural. So if when reading you think It could be done without the supernatural like elements let me know. I am good at changing things when people let me know what needs to be changed.

Thank you Krista for allowing me to your her name

My inspiration for Lady E : Is Krista herself. She is one of the most talented, deeply disturbed, beautiful women I have ever met and she is like a bomb inside my heart and mind ready to explode. The connection we have is mind blowing so she was my main inspiration in my mind when i wrote this story.

What scares me: The unknown. I have dealt with the supernatural before so even fragments scare the shit out of me. Demons especially after my episode in a haunted house I lived in-2007. The unknown also as in the future. It does scare me, but not in the way you are thinking- more so I wonder about my fears.

I have a few questions.
Is this cliché' ?
Does it intrigue you?
Would you like to read on?
Do you think it would be better in Third person?

If you see anything that needs fixing let me know.
I am wanting feed back – not praise – though if you see it fit don't be afraid to amongst feed back.

Scarily enough the music I was listening to while writing was : The Vampire Lestat - Secret Passage & Disturbed- Down With Sickness, Inside The Fire & Violence Fetish

* By the Dawn's Early Light*

 

In a list

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Comments

1 - 19 of 19

  • asthray.heart
    November 10
    ?
    Edit | Reply
    Oh wow, that was like, totally amazing.. wow. Blew me away Blair, I love this.

    Some spelling mistakes were here though, you also need to go through and read it aloud, fix some parts perhaps. Though it might have just been me with the way I see things now lol, it seemed a little uneven in some parts.

    Cliche? Dear goddess no! Everyones dreams or images of death are variable and this interpretation of yours is probably unique to yourself.

    I would love to read on and know what advanced cancer this is, and I think the p.o.v is good as it is, if not a little confusing in some parts.

    Congrads on something awesome, I knew I missed SW for a reason lol.


  • CrystalFairyWings
    September 3

    Edit | Reply
    Wow! whoa, i felt like it was happening to me and I was there! This is most obviously a well thought out opiece, one of the best Ive seen!


  • Lady Eventide Greeters member
    August 9

    Edit | Reply
    Is this cliché?

    No. Pfft! This isn't cliché at all. Hardly anything of yours ever is, which is why I'm always reading and will continue to do so in the future.

    Does it intrigue you?

    Yes. I am very interested in seeing where you go from here.

    Would you like to read on?

    See above.

    Do you think it would be better in Third person?

    I don't know. It's not in third person, and it's good as it is, so I think you've written it really well.

    I really loved this story. It was short but packed full of emotions. You always have such great ideas. Thanks for putting this in my contest. Always a pleasure.

    Suggestions and whatnot:

    Par 3: The anemic bedsheets [bed sheets] tangled around us.

    Par 5: The energy officiant [???] light light [del: light] blinking each time I shut my eyes to spare Ethel the agony of seeing me in pain.

    Par 6: Its dark light less [lightless] features reminding me of the bottom of a well. The chips that flakes [make either ‘chips’ or ‘flakes’ singular] bit by bit falling from the ceiling reminding me of my towns annual snow fall.

    Par 8: In a failed attempt to shuffle closer towards Ethel [,] I felt a cord wedge underneath his body. / His little silver studded [silver-studded] belt that I had him sew on to his jeans the day that I was admitted.

    Par 9: Ethel moved closer towards me [simply: Ethel moved closer.]. / A figure [as] onyx as the ceiling and transparent as my cords.

    Par 10: “Ethel,” I whispered in a strained, hoarse voice. “I can see it,” I said. [no need for ‘I said’]

    Par 11: His comfortable smile facing [forming] into a frightened frown.

    Par 15: Ethel raised his boy [body] above mine [,] reaching for the cord.

    Par 20: “Ethel [,] stop it,” I howled [,] fire burning tears that streamed down my hollowed cheek bones. Hitting my throat aster [???] then [than] they would had I been healthy.

    Par 21: Traveling at a speed my site [sight] and mind could not comprehend. I was loosing [losing] it.

    Par 23: “What do I do [,] Krista?” Ethel shrieked [,] grabbing my rigid [,] poisoned body.

    Par 24: The machines around me had called coded [code] red.

    Par 26: I could fee [feel] his hot, hands on the arch of my back unfastening my my [delete
    ‘my’] blood streaked [blood-streaked] gown.

    Par 27: I smiled a half baked [half-baked] smile [would avoid using ‘smiled’ and ‘smile’ in close proximity]. My body beginning [began] to shake beneath Ethel's fingers.

    Par 28: First small jolts that caused Ethel to fall backwards on the bed. His thick hair hanging from the edge of the bed. Cascading like Satan's river of hell. [These three sentences could be successfully combined.]

    Par 29: Two fading hands wrapped around my throat. Leaving me in an asphyxiated state. [Combine.]

    Par 30: Ethel Crawled [lowercase] towards me [,] holding ever [???] cord in his hands.

    Par 31: “Somebody help me,” Ethel screamed [,] getting his fingers tangled around the mess. Helpless [,] he let my body fall and [,] in one fluid motion [,] Ethel pulled the final cord.

    Par 34: Running towards the come [come???] white light.


  • dancer.
    August 7

    Edit | Reply
    You words are absoutely beautiful! The way you described Ethel's pulling of her oxygen cord was unbelievable. At the end, I could tell it was indeed a dream. You needn't explain that...but of course, to some absent minded people you had to.

    Cliche? Sort of...but in it's own unique way. If that's what you intended it to be, amazing job. If it's not, there are still some paths you may take to transform this.

    Does this story intrique me? Yes. It does, but it's not necessarily my taste.

    Of course I'd read on! The details are equisite and I'm actually in the mood to read the whole story right now and now. Let me know when you post more of this up.

    Third person has it's faults, meaning that you cannot hear the inside thoughts of one person...you hear what's happening from a narrator basiclaly, just seeing and recording. This is actually a good first person story. I'd keep it this way, but it's yours.

    The critism is very slim, just saying that it gets a little bit jumbled in the middle...but after a few setnences it's immediately clear. The switching from possession and normal doesn't build, it just cuts straight to it. If you wanted it that way, fine, if not, then you might change it a bit...

    Good writing,
    dancer.


  • CallMeWhenUrRich gold member
    July 28

    Edit | Reply

    Very desciptive. I loved the emotions added and I think this is a great way to start a story.

    Slightly cliche, yes but intriguing all the same. Great job and good luck in the contests!


  • Sunless Spirit
    July 26

    Edit | Reply
    This story was utterly fascinating and beautifully written.
    In my opinion, it is slightly cliché, but in a somewhat unique way. It intrigued me greatly. However, I am not entirely certain that I want to read on, though that might change. It is perfectly fine in First Person.

    'The anemic bed sheets tangled around us.' Bedsheet is not one word


    'unfastening my blood streaked gown'. You wrote two 'my's.

    ~Ewig Lebensdaur


  • Forgotten Anomaly
    July 25

    Edit | Reply
    This is very descriptive and has a wonderful hook. It holds the readers attention from the first word to the last. I don't know how you could do it without the supernatural aspects actually. It was a bit confusing but really good. I'd say edit it a little, you're missing a few words, have a few swopped, and a few instances of awkward wording. Otherwise this is really good. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.


  • Ashlyn Rose
    July 25

    Edit | Reply
    wow.. um... wow. that is all that i have running through my head right now. this was greatly detailed and i actually could sit through it and read it. the pic wasn't bad either. a little creepy... but that goes with the story right?


  • WillyLee
    July 24

    Edit | Reply
    This is really very well written, evocative and surreal. I think that there is probably a lot of significance and meaning in this story, which I guess is just right for a prologue. You should continue with this story, and further explore the material introduced in the prologue. Thanks for entering the contest.


  • Gaurdian Angel
    July 24

    Edit | Reply
    I was a little confused at the beginning but, as I read on I wasn't so much.
    I thought it was pretty interesting & the scenes played kinda vividly in my head.

    Now for the questions:
    * I did read some stories like this before but, they were only just a bit similar to each other so, I'd say that it was kinda cliché...

    * Did it intrigued me? A little. But, don't get me wrong, like the others I believed this prologue was pretty good but, it just didn't fully intrigued. Just me.

    * Well, I could read one chapter to see if I'll like it or not. I mean this is the prologue not the real thing. Such what the hey, I'll give it a try.

    * In third person...It doesn't matter. I mean people have said that they felt like the main character when you put the story in first person. But, the choice is up to you.

    Overall, I see this story as being successful so far. The imagery and metaphor found in this prologue is wonderful and the prologue itself sends a message to people that death is going be featured in the story which is a popular character among people. When I read this it seems like this girl is trying to "escape" death no, or maybe she wants it?


  • Wintery
    July 23

    Edit | Reply

    I love the metaphors in this such as "His thick hair hanging from the edge of the bed. Cascading like Satan's river of hell." Love that one..Heh. Anyway I would love to read more as it's very intriguing and the language use is very good but there are some spelling mistakes, like "I could fee his hot, hands on the arch of my back unfastening my my blood streaked gown." Fee kinda should be feel but nobody's perfect, I especially muck up all the time... =) I'm a klutz with the keyboard Ha-ha ^^ Though I truly am, I had to spell check this before posting it...

    Anyway, it's very interesting and I love it. Oh and it's definitely NOT cliché and as for the Third person question, I really don't know but I would like it either way Smile  


  • cole3313
    July 23

    Edit | Reply
    This story was a little confusing at first but after I read the AN it was all good. It was pretty good. I dont think its cliche, at least I've never read anything like it.


  • hsmlover1
    July 23

    Edit | Reply
    This progalue gives me a real hard honest idea of what the story is about. I thought it was fantastic and would ove for you to keep on going!!!

    Well done

    HSM


  • DogsLookUp silver member
    July 22

    Edit | Reply

    Left me breathless and aching for more...

    First of all I'd like to say that I'm extremely flattered by the fact that I'm one of the characters in your story!
    Very cool.

    The nightmare sequence was both chilling as well as beautifully executed. Just the simplest details like Ethel's heavy breathing and the way Krista saw all those dancing shadows on the walls, the eerie patterns of darkness/light and how you compared it to "the bottom of a well"--excellent imagery.

    How did you know I'm a sucker for details?

    "Ethel propped my body into a sitting position. I could feel his hot hands on the arch of my back unfastening my blood streaked gown."

    I don't know why, but that line turned me on. O.O

    There was so much symbolism in this piece; like the bottom of the well, how Krista described the ceiling as a recollection of her town's annual snowfall. It was quite intricate, elegantly written, and well thought-out. All these images exuded whiteness; the sensation of getting lost like a ghost doomed to roam the earth for eternity. We are all prisoners of our thoughts, but in this case Krista was a prisoner of her nightmare--and a horrific one at that.

    One suggestion, If I may be so bold, is to change the male character's name. "Ethel" just sounds female to me, but I could be wrong...
    On second thought--never mind. I'm stupid, lol.

    There were some spelling errors scattered here and there, such as "come white walls" should be "cum white walls."
    Naughty example.

    I was impressed by this story and your immaculate writing style.

    Now, answering those questions:

    Is this cliché?

    Absolutely not.

    Does it intrigue you?

    Y-E-S. Your imagery was spot-on, and I felt as if *I* was the one hooked up to that machine!


    Would you like to read on?

    I'm on my knees begging already, babe.

    Do you think it would be better in Third person?

    Hmm, this is the sort of thing you have to experiment with. It's all about personal choice. For me, I always want my reader to be fully engaged in the story, so first person allows them to feel like they're one of the characters. This could help with yours, too, but I felt a strong connection with Krista as it is.

    Overall: amazing job! Please. Update. SOON.







  • Mreynolds058
    July 22

    Edit | Reply
    This is a good story, I did not feel like it was a cliche, though a little disturbing, especially once one gets the background knowledge. It's not my sort of story though it is technically an enjoyable read. I think you should continue it if you enjoyed writing it. It does intrigue me though.

    So good luck with it if you continue to write it


  • So Strange Greeters member
    July 21

    Edit | Reply
    I thought this was very interesting, Blair. I think that, especially for a prologue, this story is a really good start. I think that it gives me a good idea of where you're going... but I don't really know where you're coming from. Meaning, are you planning on making this into a longer story... and if so, when are you planning on writing this?

    I personally like this kind of story more than most... but I don't really know where you're coming from. The way you wrote it was absolutely amazing and the story was a very good one, too.

    I must say, though... you have one mistake in the spelling that I noticed. There might be more, but I wasn't looking extremely close. Where it says 'blood-shit eyes' it should say 'bloodshot eyes.' You spelled that one word incorrectly, unless you were aiming for 'bloodshit.' It's kind of funny, though... it is a lot different than the rest of the story, that's for sure.

    I hope to read more of this, if there is to be more, that is. I think that it's a good prologue and prologues as good as this one usually lead to such great stories. If not for this one, then why did you call it a 'prologue'? haha

    Keep up the great work, but try and fix the one problem I said I noticed.


  • Lady Pixie Greeters member
    July 21

    Edit | Reply
    ♥Is this cliché' ? No, I don't feel this is cliche in the least bit

    ♥Does it intrigue you? It highly intrigued me. I couldn't tear my eyes from the page as you put forth some amazing visuals.

    ♥Would you like to read on? most definitly

    ♥Do you think it would be better in Third person? hmm.. honestly, I think that would be up to you to decide. Do you feel more comfortable writing in Third or First person? I think it holds well as it is in First person.. but I understand that writing in that point of view sometimes can be difficult so it really all depends on how well you take to it as you write it.


    I searched but really found nothing to offer suggestions on other than in paragraph two (in which you said "Ether" but throughout the rest said "Ethel"). I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, though. Loved the visuals and descriptions. I felt like I was having the nightmare- that's how much it sucked me in.

    You didn't ask for praise- but I'm giving it to you anyway. Amazing work here. I so look forward to reading more and seeing where this story goes.


  • Zerstort
    July 21

    Edit | Reply
    I agree with Violet Moodswing.

    I did not find this cliché at all. This did intrigue me & I'd like to read on. I wonder, now that you mention it, how this would read in third person though. Just a thought.

    I noticed somewhere maybe towards the end that a word was capitalized that shouldn't be. And in the beginning you have Ether and then you change to Ethel. And that you have "come white" instead of coma white like you have in the beginning.

    "Cascading like Satan's river of hell"-- I like that a lot.

    I don't see anything that would sound awkward or anything like that. I'd like to know what happens next.

    --Aden


  • Violet Moodswing Greeters member
    July 21

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, truly awesome visuals. I have no clue who any of these people are, and even though I know it is someones nightmare, I found myself pretty engrossed in the story. Now I am wanting to know more. Glad I clicked although the last 3 things I have read have been a bit disturbing so I am never going to get to sleep tonight *roll

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