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One day when in the park with Elizabeth, the eight year old little girl that I occasionally baby-sit, for a fun game of football we saw a group of older boys standing a short distance away from a homeless man who, if his chest had not been rising up and down steadily, could have been mistaken for a pile of *threadbare* rags on a bench. 2
The boys who were aged around fourteen were shouting out rude comments to the old man who appeared not to hear. Then they began to dart in and out towards him, kicking at the ends of his red raggedy coat, and saying things like, “Dirty old man … you should not be allowed to stay… there’s no life for people like you here.” 3
I began to hurry Elizabeth away for fear that she would hear what they were saying but the little girl hung back unwillingly. “Why are those boys being so nasty?” she asked clearly. 4
I tugged at her arm, anxious not to have any hassle called. “I guess their parents didn’t teach them any manners sweetie,” I replied. “They just don’t know any better because they’ve never been taught that everyone is equal.” 5
Her face lit up with an angelic smile and she pulled her hand rapidly out of mine. “I know how to show them,” she whispered. She turned and ran towards the little group, and I paused before following quickly in her footsteps. 6
When she reached them, she pushed her way through the group of boys and stood by the bench. “Stop,” she shouted. “Leave him alone.” 7
The boys froze appalled that someone so small should interfere with their actions. “What do you want?” asked one of them surly. “Go away, you’re only a child.” 8
I have to say that I was proud to see Elizabeth standing her ground. “You’re wrong,” she said. “You’re all wrong.” She sat up on the bench next to the homeless guy and took his hand. I had a sudden urge to run up to her and whisk her away lest anything go wrong but something stopped me. I didn’t understand why but I knew it was important not to interrupt her. 9
Holding his cold hand in her small warm one, she reached across and hugged him before settling back onto the bench. “You should treat everybody equal,” she announced importantly. “Just because you have warm clothes and money and somewhere safe to stay doesn’t mean that you are allowed to make fun of people you don’t like.” 10
The boys stared at her and perhaps it was my imagination but it seemed that their faces were softening. Elizabeth carried on unaware. “My Mummy n Daddy say that we should help the people that can’t help themselves. You should give other people money and love. Don’t bully him anymore. It’s just not fair.” 11
I shuddered at these words, imagining that the boys would burst out laughing at her but to my amazement the “leader” cleared his throat and, hanging his head, trudged away followed by the rest of his gang. 12
Elizabeth hugged the grimy fellow once more before hopping off the bench and running back towards me. As she did so, a broad smile stretched across his face and he lifted a hand in farewell. “Thank you,” he croaked. “God bless you pure child, God bless.” 13
Elizabeth took my hand and skipped along beside me, her pigtails flying from side to side as she grinned up at me happily. I stopped walking beside a beautiful weeping willow tree and knelt down so that I was at face level. “Elizabeth sweetie,” I said softly. “What made you go and do that?” 14
She beamed and replied, “Mummy and Daddy said that we should always do as Jesus did. Jesus stood up for the lepers and the sick people, and he wouldn’t let anybody hurt them. They also said that he always had time for children even when he was tired and not feeling so good. So I think that we should help him ‘cause then he won’t have so much to do. It’s in the Bible, cause Daddy showed me, it said, treat others as you would like them to treat you.” 15
My eyes glistened with tears at the wisdom of such a young child and it was at that moment that I knew angels really do exist.16
Author notes
Hidden Meaning: It can take the pure innocent of a child to take us through some of the cruelty we see in this world, and unwittingly close our eyes to ...
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One day when in the park with Elizabeth, the eight year old little girl that I occasionally baby-sit, for a fun game of football we saw a group of older boys standing a short distance away from a homeless man who, if his chest had not been rising up and down steadily, could have been mistaken for a pile of *threadbare* rags on a bench.
This sentence is really confusing and needs to be seriously rewritten. I had to read the sentence a couple of times over to understand what you were saying. This is what I would say
ne day, while Elizabeth(the eight year old girl that I baby-sit for) and I were in the park for a fun game of football, we saw a group of boys standing a short distance away from a homeless man who, if his chest had not been rising up and down steadily, could have been mistaken for a pile of threadbare rags on a bench.
I think that this way makes more sense. Most people will not read something if they cannot understand the first sentence. Anyways, if you come up with another way to write it, fine. This was just one example. The rest of the story was wonderful and gave me goosebumps.Your characters I only gave 2/5 because you didn't really create characters but that wasn't the point of this story, so do not dwell on that. Anyway, overall, you did very well!beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 5, overall: 6, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 2.
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wow
I honestly wish I had as much courage as your little heroin does. Isn't it strange though, how small children can have the courage to tackel the worlds evil, yet as we grow up we acknowledge the fear everyone has and adopt it as our own? I really don't know how to rate this, but I'd give you a 10beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Stirred up a bad memory
I had an experience similar to this when I was 17. There was this bum sitting on a bench, his clothes all ratted out, frizzled, nappy, his face like a fried egg. Any way with this fried egg face he was checking me out looking so all pitiful and dreamy like my body held the key to some lost treasure. You know how it is when you feel fresh and happy, but also sad for the world and are willing to give yourself up like a sacrifice? But mostly besides thinking of doing the world a great service I wanted to be like the best experience this character ever had. Like some forever memory in somebodies mind. To get to the point I ended up in the alley suffocating under this guys multi layers of clothes, each new layer more rotten and crappy smelling than the next, while he was screwing sweet 17 year old me. When he finishes, gag gag, he actually tried to bum money off me! That night I dreampt I was in labor having hundreds of tiny tiny flea babies that looked like rag man. Horrible. There is a reason why they are laying their in their own stink, it's not an accident. But it's nice to read about a little girl who thinks people like this are okay.beginning: 2, overall: 1, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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I'm a little confused. Was the narrator in the park to play football with an 8 year old? There are a lot of cruel people in the world but it takes just one good one to remind us of man's potential to do right. Let's hope there are more people like the little girl in your story.
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beautiful!
I love that story, i think it is so sweet and full of truth. I was wondering, could I possibly use that story as a spiritual thought for my church's family home evening at my church? I'm sure that everyone will absolutly fall in love with it!!
On the mechanical side of things, I see no problem with the way the story is structured. It flows easily and the emotions felt by the characters just jump at you, allowing you to feel what they feel.
Hope to read more from you, this is soo good! =)beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, overall: 7, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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A wonderful story
Professionally written, I think. I loved it. I see no mistakes of any kind in it. My favorite part was everything she did while she was sitting on the bench beside the raggedy man.
This story is entirely credible. It must have really happened. There are no exaggerations here. This is entirely real and a beautiful story. --Ellisbeginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, overall: 9, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thank you MCP, and also for choosing this to win the contest, I'm glad you enjoyed it - it was an idea that came to me, although I struggled with it for about three weeks before it was completed
Thanks again! -
Well done!
This is... Wow! Wonderful! I really loved it! It is very very meaningful. You had used such wonderful words that make the reader sink into the story and be with the characters. Well done! This was really great! -
wow such an uplifting tale that could teach so many people such a lot
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A message all should take to their hearts!
And the Lord used her to deliver this message of His love ...This write is one for all ages to read and enjoy. Great job hun
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great job!true inspiation! i love it!you know i think i'm going to do as Jesus did from now till...well...he comes again!thanks for the inspiration!!!
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I agree with sugar dimples. If only more children had this respect for elders and people not as fortunate as then. I think it would be a better place. Great write well done and good luck!
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This is an amazing testamony. I wish more people would teach thier children this way (and act it themselves). Thank you for writing this, it was very uplifting. God Bless!
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