I'm Sorry

It is funny how I sit here in my room and think about the past and how it really meant nothing. It meant nothing to you or me. We both sat there and lied to each others face. We thought we were doing what was right when really it was what was worse for the both of us. Each word that we said was another part of a mixed up emotional soup of lies. “I love you” and “I hate you” said so many times but they were never real. Love contradicted by hate and hate contradicted by hate. So great were these things or so we thought. When really they meant absolutely nothing. Just like the feelings that we both thought were there, really they were just lust. You were looking for money and I was looking for a relationship. I was looking for the one thing most guys would never look for. Most guys look for sex and I was look for life. Is that not great. I guess not since you did not like the way I felt and I hated the way you felt. Greed over powering the love and the lies that we shared. I thought that love was at hand when really it was just a big fake. Just like you a big and hopeless fake. Something that never was real and was getting worse every day. I had to get rid of you, I mean you killed the heart that fed my loving emotions. Now I can’t even look people in the eyes and say I love you without wanting to laugh or swell with anger. Thank you, this is what I want to say to you for ruining my emotional complex. Every tear that you shed and I dried with my shirt, I now look back on and I wish that I would have kept them in a jar. Just so I would have a keepsake of your fake pain. I would look at the jar and laugh my ass off. That or I would reproduce them, sell them, and keep the profits. I would call my new product Essence of pain. Every psycho out there would want a bottle. Every guy who wanted a relationship to work but got what was left off their hearts broken would want a bottle of my new product. That would be unsportsmanlike though so instead I did what I thought was right. I acted like I cared. While you acted like you were crying. Now I look back on this past experience and I say to myself, “You know life is better now that you are gone.” I am finally happy with where I am, the way I look, and my outlook on life. It has been the best life that someone could wish for since you died. Funny thing is that I remember when you told me you would live forever. Like that was really going to happen, I knew that you would get yourself so far into your addiction that you couldn’t get yourself out. I remember when you called me and asked for help and all I did was laugh. Two days later you turn up missing. Then they found your body. Man was that a surprise, I guess I should have believed you for once. I did not and I am really glad I didn’t listen. It was kinda sad how they found you though. Tied up, beaten, coked up, and dead. The fake scars that were wrongly inflicted upon yourself for attention on your wrists. When I got that call from your parents I was sincere but in my mind I was laughing so hard that it was getting hard to believe. I am sorry that it happened and I hope it was painful but the coroner said you drowned on your own blood and it probably took you a while to die. So I know it was painful, you even knew you had it coming. All of your real friends were always talking about how you were always borrowing money to pay back the debts that you already owed. Those drugs will do that to you though I suppose but you should have been smarter. The one thing that I said to you that wasn’t a lie was that I would be here to help you with your addiction. You would always said you would change bu I know as soon as you left you were out getting high with your friends. Such a sad story that no one really cared about. I do have to admit though, you were a great person at heart and I know you had the will to change but you didn’t have the want. That was your only flaw, you didn’t care about life. What happened to the person I knew. The loving and caring girl that showed her true colors. I know that when we first started talking you were different. After a few months of someone actually caring about you that changed. I wish I could have helped but once I found out that everything that you ever told me was a lie I stopped caring. Using me for money for your addiction. Bleeding my pockets for more than love. Stealing my heart while pumping your veins full of foreign chemicals. It is just like that line in that song by Alicia Keys - Karma, “What goes around, comes around, what goes up must come down.” You definitely came down. You came down with a thud. I am sorry.1