Her

Her1

The gap, between you and me.2

It wasn’t very far.3

No not very far at all…And yet we did not see each other standing there, somehow. For the longest time. Do you remember the feeling of the rain upon our shoulders that day? Heavy and cold and yet that very day I wished myself to die, I had never felt more alive. I could see the black waters slamming the rocks such a distance below and imagined the cold sand curled beneath my toes. I yearned for it. And even more so I yearned to let myself go, feel how it is to be free falling, complete and utter abandon traveling from life and maybe into that great big void of mystery known as death. It excites me, do you understand? The more I feel alive, the more I crave the feeling of death. It amazes me. There is just so much wonder in this existence I often feel I can not bear it, like my heart will flood with such joy and I shall drowned. And that is the most wonderful feeling I hope you live you experience. Everyday for the rest of your life. 4

Even I can remember the day I finally sprung my head from the glass box I had been living in for years, and for the first time, really saw the stars. And how they shined. For me. And all things moved in slow motion. And I learn to… Instead of running, walking, instead of pacing or counting, I learned how to flow. Just flow. So much like dancing in my every step and movement, hearing and seeing and feeling all there is. Smelling the roses along the way. Feeling the roses. Experiencing the roses. Experiencing the rain.5

And in all of this dancing in my mind, the rain clouds broke away and I saw the stars. So bright in a night sky uninterrupted by neon city lights, so black it should have swallowed us with the profound overbearing hugeness of it. And instead of looking to the stars, you looked up from the edge, across the gap between us. And saw me. My smiling eyes of the living following a falling star to catch the reflection of your eyes of death. Like how I walk raising the dead, you stealing life from the living, we should have been hand in hand. But you only saw me on the brink of a moment then your eyes passed on through me. And I did not exist in your world.6

Have you ever seen hair in movement? 7

Well, her hair was the silkiest black with slivers of auburn, shimmering and bold, almost glowed a crimson hue with the bright sunshine behind her. And it was beautiful. Passing me by, beneath the swaying trees of a cold fall day, just watching the dancing shadows cast upon her face, her large hazel eyes changing from brown to blue to green to grey. Her eyes, so large and rimmed with those naturally thick dark eyelashes, I could have found myself lost in them so many times. There was such sweetness in them if I watched them for too long I would find myself tearing to pieces inside. And her smile was something else, it actually just took me to take notice of it, to fall in love with it and be trilled every time I saw it laugh, which in all honesty was not very often and would quickly disappear… 8

Oh, or watch them speak. Or chew your lip. Your lips, they look so soft. Sometimes I focus on them and the rest of you disappears. Pink. Dry. Or moist... Your mouth was the most tempting shape I’ve ever witnessed…. And my world suddenly became… You.9

The evening after, I crept up to your house with an old forlorn nest, long discarded shells still intact. Both, it was torn from its bough and raped of its life and the birthing place and brief and happy home of hatchlings. And it belonged to you. I left it at the foot of your door. I watched as you stared at that nest in silence and returned inside.10

I would watch you in the night how sometimes in the evening you would return to that very gap, resting your body to the wind, willing for the breeze to take you, And the wind appear to refuse you every time.11

The howling wind… flapping through your every black gown you wear, tossing your skirts and sleeves... Tearing through your hair and bringing it to life to ride black on black in the mystical that is every night. The image forever stained in my mind. You, you are magic, you are the mystical, you are the mysterious and spirit of the night sky. You dance and you sing motionless and silently. Like blackness conquers every color, you are powerful, Powerful as a single whisper, Powerful as the rain. 12

Early the next morning after a whole night long without sleep, I decided to rise to my feet and out the door with a mission. I had daydreamed the night away of nonsensical romances littering my brain with endless words and ideas and raised with an epiphany. I was only a ghost to you. And it was up to me for earning my own existence. Today I would be a spirit, silent and clever and shall make my presence heard.13

I wonder what your thought would have been when you saw all the trees in view of your window graced with little clear glass bubbles hung from every bough… with ribbons of black and silver, twinkling and wet from the lightly falling morning rain, The rising sun filling each and every one of them with a growing flame. If I hadn’t ruined it all and been caught and instead had this been a sight of magic and mystery, would have the expression in your eyes have been any different? Now read carefully because what I’m about to tell you now is a very important lesson that may or may not apply to your life in the near future.14

One peek can be dangerous, as lethal as a second. And I was rooted; death had me under a spell of unbowed curiosity, and rediscovering gravity through your window pane.15

The last thing I expected to see was your night gown drop to the floor, for you to cross the room and leaf with such delicate care through a wardrobe of black dresses of different textures…Black dresses of different styles, black dresses long and short… turning around with a garment and tossing it to your bed. I hadn’t realize I was staring at your body until you suddenly turned my direction and I dived down, slamming my chin on your windowsill with a vision spiraling slam, The row of candles on the inside of that window jumping from there place and rattling loudly as they fell to your hard wood floor.16

And I’m afraid somewhere between peering in your window that morning and splitting my chin; the innocence of my curiosity escaped me. Peeking… is an accident. No matter how deliberate.17

A loud groan escaped my lips without permission. I can’t remember the last time I felt such a shock of pain flash through my head, even my eyes blurred for a moment. And after a brief silence I sighed with relief that perhaps you didn’t hear me, and I laid there in the grass waiting for the pain to subside. Soon to realize you were gazing up through the glass, not in wonder but confusion and then suddenly down at me. But just as suddenly you disappeared, stealing away your porcelain nakedness behind your deep crimson curtains. 18

With that I got to my feet and started upon my two hour long journey around the giant river trench and then, home. Next time I ought to pack myself some breakfast, or lunch. I didn’t realize until then just how hungry I was. And oh… so tired.19

Long ago two families used to share this land, but something happened, maybe over money, a misunderstanding… some feud and the land was divided by this river below… And once there used to be a bridge right at this very spot, joining the land together… but one fateful day one of the families sabotaged a side of that bridge… the daughter of the other family in crossing it on her way to meet her friend or lover from the other family, fell to her death. Of course they do say that they never knew exactly what had happened to her, but obviously that was not the case. Someone had to see the truth to tell the story. 20

Human nature, I suppose. It doesn’t anger me to hear such stories. Although it had, one time, one time I was just so passionate in ways of human nature, and felt greatly disappointed in the our race when I would hear such tales. It would break my heart. But now, now I understand, and am no longer so egotistical of my own race. Not to say I hate all people, far from it. I love them for what they are and maybe we are a mass cancer to our own home planet earth, maybe there are killers, wars and hatred, power conquering each other by words of fear. But what of love, we dance, we laugh, play, have music, art, we create so many wonderful things and we are capable of so much more. We too are connected and a part of this earth and no more powerful or important or more capable then any other creature. All elements of this world, this life, is golden. I realize it may be hard for you to understand how I feel about such things, or understand how the way I feel is not in jadedness but acceptance, with complete love and peace in my heart. 21

But don’t quote me on that, I over think and seem to develop a new understanding of human nature every week. I have had at least a million theories on all aspects of this reality in these past twenty years of my existence. 22

This very spot where I am standing now, the very spot I stood when I first saw you. As I look now I can’t see any traces that a bridge was once here, but the way the cliffs seem to bring in closer here and divide away on either side, a bridge wouldn’t be a bad idea. But from where I’m standing I can see you down there. Well not quite, but I know it is you. And your silver canoe. You are laying flat on your back where the land is sandy, cool and rarely licked by the splashing of the river, just staring up into the setting sky. And suddenly in a brief moment that felt like forever I’m just trapped; enchanted by you from a distance, like you can gaze up at the northern lights and be mystified by them, and know they are a miracle… But even though you may reach out to them, you know you may never capture them in your arms… Although you may daydream about it... And that’s what you are. You are the northern lights, a phenomenon of colors, lights and beauty, dancing above me and so out of reach. Something far too wonderful to be obtained... But my mind protested, was there any chance I could reach where you are now and you still be there? At least I would have the adventure of the journey… but first to pack some supper….23

I was dirty and sweating by the time I reached the bottom; you know that feeling of being hot and chilly at the same time after a hard workout? Well, I’ll tell you this, no roads around here are often traveled, except by me, and you possibly. Everyone else seems to drive their own dirt road distance and disappear quickly into their destinations like they had never traveled and may as well have materialized there. I lifted my bag over my head and jumped the cold slippery footstones to where you are, which made my coming no secret by any means. And there you still lay, unmoving and silent, staring into the clouds like you had not heard me at all. But that’s ok. I sat beside you on the mix of dried grass and cold damp sand and after a small amount of time in silence I started fiddling with my bag, searching for the treasures I had gathered upon my travels, placing them in a line in front of me; A discarded cocoon, a flask, a dry old bird skeleton, a stone, a bottle cap and a single shell. Much like the many other things I left outside your house for you to find.24

With a lazy apathetic twist of your neck, you rest your head on its side in my direction and gazed at these little gathered prizes. And soon sat up, pulling your legs inward. You reached out and took the stone into your hand, studying it with a skeptic glance, following the thin line of pink that separated the two equal halves of the round stone. Why was there this one single layer of pink with either sides of the rock the same color? To me it was the circle of life, birth, life and then death, decomposition, fertilizing the earth so life can grow and the energy passes on into the world once more. You saw something different. That out of my gatherings; all symbols of mortality, to you this one showed immortality, something that went on forever. You clutched it in a fist and did not let it go.25

And after another hour of silence and thinking came your voice, and the very first time I would ever hear it, “Fuck You.” You said quite easily like it was my name, “The Creep That Leaves Random Shit At My Door.” 26

“Yes.” I merely agreed.27

“The one who shows up wherever I want to be, like she can read my mind. And locks in on my every movement like I’m under surveillance. The entire country side has become my psycho ward.” You uttered staring at the river.28

“It’s true.” I smiled but it quickly faded from my face, “I…”29

You stared stiffly at the rocks as I spoke.30

“I am magnetized to you…” Silence between us… listening to the loud tree rustling of the leaves and the clicking of the river.31

“… You know, I spend so much time thinking about the ledge… and the rocks below. I somehow forgot this water was even here.” You curled her toes into the damp sand and dragged your foot as you bent your knee. I parted my veggie and guacamole sandwich and gave you half, and after a brief contemplation of it, you took a bite, meanwhile your hair softly blew in the breeze. Your face so innocent, almost angelic with how quiet you were, pondering, your eyes shifting, your mouth slowly chewing on the piece of food. And all I could think was how happy I was that you were eating something that I had put together, that you spoke to me. I felt so complete. 32

You looked at me for a long moment, smiling to myself, chewing and thinking. You opened your hand finally and held it out to for me to look, “You know what this line is?” You held it in your index fingers slowly turning for me to see. “This is the gap between me and you.” You threw it down as you got to your feet and took off. Calmly as you pulled your canoe into the river and slowly rowed away.33

I simply watched but soon did call out to you, and you jerked your head over your shoulder to look at me in such a tone you must have expected me to lash back at you in the same hostility. 34

“Maybe, but your side still likes our sandwiches.” I called never rising from where I was seated. 35

The wind jostled your hair as you watched me, staring while slowly sinking away into the distance, probably considering throwing the sandwich back at me. But instead you took another bite; your frown disappeared and softly you laughed, your eyes shining.36

Not long after you left me behind in the absolute darkness, alone beside a river between two great steep thick forests, I laid back, a rolled pullover for my pillow, I watched the moon and fell into a heavy nap and then after lugged myself home. The forest was so quiet, you could hear every little movement of the nocturnal creepers and creatures of the night, and of course myself, loud and clumsy as any human with a dying flashlight. I sometimes almost miss that sense of fear of the dark, the forest and being alone. It heightens the senses doesn’t it? And it makes the whole experience one huge adventure even though whatever you feared will ever happen to you or would have, never does. But at least I’ll come out of this with an experience and no twisted ankles or sprained wrists. Instead of a horror story, I have magic and peace. Discoveries and wonder.37

A third of the way home I paused.38

Enough of that…. 39

I burst into a child-like mad dash, like a wild rabbit on the run for its hide, I’m alive, I’m crazy, I’m free! She spoke to me; she smiled at me, and liked my sandwich!40

Welcome yourself into her room, only for a moment. And you see her submerged in darkness, sitting cross-legged with the light of six candles in a semi-circle before her, licking shadows and light upon her sweet face, her eyes deep and complex, with thoughts tapping at the surface of her brain trying to gain a deeper perspective or understanding of herself or this world. With her long hair waving and curling, streaming over her shoulders and down the cleavage of her dress and like an arrow down her perfectly postured back. A single candle in a little red dish blows out and she opens her heavy eyes for only a moment, distracting themselves with the twinkling glass spheres dangling from the silhouetted black boughs among the glowing moon outside her window. And then she looks away... 41

Before all the land was covered with this sparkling blanket of snow, I had took it upon myself to make a bridge of oak and never told you, only left the stone on your windowsill and drew the smallest little line connecting across the pink. I remember how you stared at it, the look in your eyes I couldn’t quite decipher. And still as the nights grew icy and white, the bridge still holds strong and unwavering, anymore of these cliffs we would sit together on the edge right smack in the middle. The thickest snowflakes seemingly sinking up into the sky, like we sit upon the ocean floor, the bubbles rising to the surface unknown, littering your hair… or landing upon your warm tongue to melt away and disappear… The bridge became our new place… And the gap was forgotten into history. 42

This season… becomes your every nature and nuances like you wore it. The elegance and tranquility, and too the quiet, the darkness, the nipping bitter cold… And… even though your eyes are so warm and sweet, they sometimes feel like they could be made of ice, how they twinkle or how sometimes… like something unknown is divided from the surface, beneath this solidness of them. The thickness. Something… swimming in the depth… in the dark waters, far too deep to be overcome by the cold... The mystery… the secrets locked away inside. 43

The air is so clear and fresh, the snowflakes… the way they land upon you, landing upon your cheek and smoothing down your soft cool face. I know you love the cold. You are one of those people who could throw snowballs and make snowmen with your bare hands and not complain. I noticed very early how you hate to upset the snow, how you will always follow a path already broken in, where as I love to make endless silly patterns all over, seeing undisturbed snow as a blank canvass. 44

Today I had traveled my way to your home, but had not yet made it there when I came upon the most perfect snow angel I have ever seen. And as I drew closer I knew it was yours. And I lied down, my arms and legs spread out like yours must have been, watching as the snow fell down from above. I love it. Watching snow fall from a window is never good enough, there is nothing like watching the snow, or the rain, from flat on your back. 45

I mentioned it’s like being on the ocean floor. Did you understand what I meant by that? The snow seemingly slowly sinking… into the sky. I recommend you try it. While you find yourself walking on a snowy night. Just pause. Maybe beneath a lonely street light. Breathe. And experience. Try to forget all that you have learned about the clouds, about gravity… see it like you are witnessing something like you have never known.46

It’s very much like looking at the stars…47

As I lay there I was remembering how you stood that night, the last night before the bridge was created. The way you spoke, sounding just so powerful, the wind tearing at your gown, lifting the ends of your coat as you held your arms to the sky. The wind rampant, the rain screaming down at us was stinging our faces red. As I’m looking back at this I sort of feel this guilt of stealing that cliff away from you in the making of the bridge. You had something that was all yours and now you must share it. Even though you never seem to mind. 48

“The sky is my lover.” Is what you had told me, ever so… peacefully, “She touches me all over with her wind… takes me with her rain, kisses me with her sunshine... Tells she is mine in the way she blows petals over the cliffs….” 49

“…How could I possibly compete?” I thought aloud, but so quietly I was amazed you had heard me. 50

You stared at me until I looked back at you, like you didn’t know what you were going to say to me… but what did come, the words so seductive to me even if the way of them came out of you was with a playful platonic flirtatiousness of a friend, even the mocking smile on your lips, “You have arms to wrap around me… And the hands to hold me down…” 51

My face expression a cross between intrigue and intimidation, but held your stare, the freezing rain bleeding down our faces, matting our hair to our heads. And you pulled me along as you stole away to dance like a frenzied savage into the night, singing in a wild language you very likely made up as you went along. 52

That night had us sick with fevers for a week.53

But let’s get to present time. It is at least forty or fifty below outside right now. If I was out there walking home at this hour my fingers and toes, and possibly other limbs would have been declaring their independence. But your mother demanded I stay for the night. And I took a shining to her right off the cuff. She was this wise, wild, free spirit hidden in a shell of self consciousness and fear. And she knew it, which must have been very frustrating for her. She made this spicy meal of foods I never heard of, it showed such creativity. She made her meals by following her mood and soul. Or following her belly. She mixed things you would wince at, and it tasted divine. Not a book of recipes in the house or a single label in her spice rack. And she was just so open; she did not hold back and treat me like a child. She spoke to me with a natural respect. Although our conversation apparently did not interest you. You watched us, finished your meal in silence or babbled about silly things with your little sister, and after you took off with her to get her into the bath.54

It was the energy of you when you were with her. It was obvious you loved her so, so much. And even when you teased her it was always in such a way that she too was laughing or playfully pouting. My heart fell heavy with melancholy seeing you like that. Someday you are going to be a mommy. There is no way around it. The world would stop spinning if someday you didn’t have a little version of you, curled in your arms, reaching a little baby hand to your nose. 55

How do I explain this feeling in my chest that moment when the conversation fell to silence, and I couldn’t pull my eyes from you. It is this heat that omitted from the core of my chest, this excitement and melancholy joy. The feeling I have in my chest when I’m looking to the sky, every floating cloud only images and romantic dreams of you. Your face, your lips, your shape, your arms… I never imagined myself with children, until I saw you with her, and all of a sudden I was dreaming of us together, mommies to a miniature little version of you. Maybe with my green eyes…. 56

While you were gone your mother began to tell me of some vacation she was planning but how she needed to do this and do that, before her body would be ready for any dresses or swimsuits, she had all these goals that centered around her body and all her wisdom seemed to fly right out the window. It all sounded so crazy! But she spoke of it happily as though she could achieve all of them. I listened to all this intently until I could bear it no longer and burst out into laughter.57

And I laughed and I laughed and I laughed as her mouth closed and became hard, and she was silent. So she had a little cellulite on her ass, so do millions of women! Perfection, this so called idealism, beauty, makes my skin crawl. Joi de vivre: now that is sexy. We all out argued for at least an hour. Until she fell in love with me and by the time you came back your mother was singing in the doorway of your house and howling at the wolves in the distance. Who by the way, howled back… You asked her if she was drunk.58

By the time we went to your room your little sister had already been tucked into bed four times and was now curled up on her mother’s lap on the couch, sharing a conversation only a child could conjure up. The light of the T.V. flashing in their faces.59

I was smiling to myself. I adored your family. And wished I had one myself.60

I had run from my past so long ago and went through all its trials. Now its feels so long ago since I left all of that behind, I had forgiven, and forgotten and is kind of hard to remember they even exist at times. This was the first time I actually envied…over family. 61

Maybe someday I will have one of my own.62

Hmmm… Watching you comes so easily, listening to you… You are like this experience that should be rewound and played over and over and over and over and over… And never gets old. We were talking for a little while, but we fell quiet. We must have been taken in by the darkness. You were laying spread out like a lazy star shape on your floor with twinkling candles haphazardly distributed across your room. The energy here tells me this is how your room always is. In darkness. Orderly. Quiet and whispering with creeping shadows on your walls. 63

This black carpet. It seems imperative that it is clear, so you may lay, or sit, or read your taro, or play your music. Or just…think. 64

This place smelt of incense even though you had not lit any tonight. This place… as I’m looking at the canvases on your walls that you had painted not too long ago, the impressive library in rows on shelves hinged to your walls. Your every belonging some how manipulated by a needle and thread, paint, or pen. Or had something glued on it or cut from it. Everything, was just, yours. This room, it’s like being in your head. 65

The only thing I noticed that was left unchanged was a collection of strange random gifts you had accumulated from my adventures and travels. And separate from all of them was that stone, which lived on your bedside table under your lamp. I also noticed you had taken several of those glass spheres and hung them about your room. There was so much of me in this place, considering this was my first time being in here. 66

In a while the sleepiness soaked in and we crawled into your bed too lazy to change out of the clothes we had been wearing the entire day. And I found myself suddenly wide awake and staring at a painting when I finally spoke again, it was this strange abstract comingle of energies that it pulled a thought to mind, “Why…?” I whispered and you continued breathing in silence, but something about you told me you knew exactly what I was thinking.67

You raised your head to peek at what I was looking at and you rest your head back down.68

I asked you why your love affair with the cliff, how I remember how I would see you, wavering like you were just waiting to be pushed. And you spoke like poetry… the safety of the darkness made you brave.69

“Mmmm…It’s this…” You whispered and gave up like disturbing the silence took an effort. “feeling I get…” You drew in a breath. You were just so calm, or tired, still…or something. “It is like a sweeping madness in a world of inverted colors. A madness that craves to crawl across the floor… and have long deadly razor nails to tear the carpet in strips, be clad in black or nothing at all. To lick to bite and sweat, laugh manically, but most of all I simply crave to dance… This feeling always leads me to the cliff… and the wind dances for me.” I heard the sound of your mouth click in the silence, “But when I see the cliff, I have to stand on the edge or I’m never satisfied. And with seeing the distance, that chill… that surges down my spine… I want it stronger… And I become overwhelmed with this sheer… desire to just fall forward, to feel the wind burning my skin, to hit the earth, bleed. And be broken…Be free.” You seemed to wait for me to say something but I never did. The darkness seemed to be spiraling around us like it could have been a spirit or some alien creature, “And I love it.” You said, “And at the same time it scares the hell out of me.” You turned to face me and found I had been laying on my side, that you had my undivided attention, “The reason why I leave the choice of falling to the wind, so I don’t have to be afraid.” Hearing you say this was quieting, your world, like mine, so complex and huge like galaxies in orbit within the blackness of our skulls. I never did know what to expect, or I guess you could say I had no expectations. Nothing is ever just so easy. 70

“And it makes me feel like a coward later when I think back.” You closed your eyes, “But I do the same thing every time.” and you turned onto your back to watch the ceiling, “I don’t belong here… I feel it in my everyday, I don’t belong here. I feel trapped in my own skin; you don’t understand what that is like. Feeling it everyday... I mean, I’m not suicidal. I’m not depressed. I just…” You listened as I crossed my arms behind my head, “…I don’t know…” You whispered and grew quiet.71

“…Yes you do...”72

“…I just don’t belong...I feel trapped and all I want is to… be free.”73

“Almost…desperately. Like being in flesh is almost confusing sometimes.” I spoke slowly, “Like sometimes you can just sit there and start thinking… realizing for the hundredth time how everything is moving. Everything is just energy. And it can become just mind blowing that you aren’t sinking into the floor and that you can grab the leg of a chair, knowing it isn’t really solid and yet you can touch it and know it’s cold. And all you can think again and again is just; why do we exist at all? Why?...Why?”74

“And it’s terrifying.” You said without whispering.75

And I spoke so softly, “And at the same time so mind bogglingly amazing you just want to cry.” “Yeah…” You whispered, looking at me, lying on your side once again, your eyes dancing upon my face, just shimmering.76

I’ve never seen someone look so sweet.77

I remember… I was dreaming of raindrops… and sunshine. But that is all I remember before the sudden huge movement of the bed woke me. I must have been asleep only a few hours when I opened my eyes. You said something about your sister being frightened by the shadow in her window and that you had to put her back to bed. I didn’t catch exactly what you said; my mind was still waking up. You curled up beside me, your cold feet a shock to the system. I think you might have done that deliberately. You were on your side just smiling at me.78

“You fall asleep so easily...” You said and I turned on my side to face you.79

“Wasn’t that the plan?”80

“Yeah, sure. I mean…” I didn’t realize you were watching me in my sleep, “I never fall asleep for hours, no matter how tired I am. I can never stop thinking.” Your eyes were studying my face; I must have looked really sleepy because your tone suddenly changed. At first it seemed like you wanted to chat the night away, “Sorry I woke you…” You smiled softly and snuggled down into a pillow, closing your eyes. Turning away from me.81

The light from the bright snowy outside was peering through your window; it was shining so gently in your hair. It looked so soft and I found myself absorbed in just wanting to stroke my fingers through it. Oh so sleepy…. But now I could not stop my mind, my eyes following the girlish curl of your shoulder, your delicate neck and cheek so clear and soft. You just looked so soft! And I knew you would be so warm. My arms somehow knew you would be just so cuddly. And they begged me to let them hold you. And in resisting this I was overcome with this feeling of emptiness, despair. And suddenly my brain was filled thoughts telling me you wouldn’t understand. That it was unwelcome... That I did not deserve you. It was the first time I ever got such ideas in my head. And I didn’t like it. The little voice of reason that would normally come alive and solve all heart ache and pain was cozy and asleep somewhere in the back banks of my skull, with her door locked. A ‘do not disturb’ sign hung on the door knob. The thought of you not wanting me to touch you… the emptiness did not stop at my brain, it sunk into my heart, my chest, my arms, my abdomen… my legs. My entire body was experiencing this heaviness, this sadness. And… and I may have sighed, just looking at you. Breathing and warm. 82

I suddenly found myself lying on my side facing the wall. My eyes, alive with heartache, staring through your frosted window, out into the cold of the night.83

Shortly after the bed moved again. And you were facing me, the back of me. Your hair a swirl around your head, your eyes blinking and shimmering but I couldn’t see it. No. I had no idea. 84

Your hand reaching to me in silence, very slowly following the shape of my profile the shortest distance you could feel my body heat but did not touch me like as though I was something magical. Tempting yourself as your fingers sank in my hair so carefully I didn’t even feel it. 85

Somewhere in the world someone is playing a piano. Slow and sweetly. Alone in darkness and silence, the music sweeping over the room like a wave and receding… and here where we lay in the silence, the thoughts of pain that stung me were now working their way into your heart. And fear, so much fear… Warm tears were rising in your eyes and sinking down your face into your pillow. In your mind battling your body to not shake. You were so quiet. I actually noticed I wasn’t hearing your breathing anymore.86

But out of your fear steamed a passion and instead of a sob your body broke out in movement and you took hold of me, wrapped your arms so softly around my shoulders. So gently bringing your body to hold against the back of me. And in that second I was filled with a warmth I’ve never known. This feeling of safety… home.87

I placed my hands upon yours, caressing the back of your one hand with my thumb. 88

At last you released a small sleepy sigh. And this way we fell asleep.89

And the snow kept on falling, on the cold, cold ground.90

I woke early, to the light streaming in on my face, you arms still around me… Your body heat made me sigh. Your hair was tickling my cheek but I loved it. I was surrounded by your wonderful smell. I didn’t want to leave this place, not ever. To disturb this would be an insult to the heavens. And you guessed it, I suddenly had to pee.91

My eyebrows contorted in hate of myself, and ever so carefully I began to move. “No.” You peeped and held me tighter, “Too early…”92

With that my heart was pounding, you were snuggling up to my back so close, your arms wrapped around my hips… Actually… I was getting hot, my hips I mean… my abdomen. I could feel myself blushing. You were making me so insecure, I was praying in my mind you wouldn’t notice. You said nothing... But you did notice. And ever so discreetly you managed to pull your hips against the back of me without my noticing. Right away, anyway. I opened my eyes again and I was staring at the wall. Your hand smoothing from my shoulder to my hip. 93

I could feel this heat in my legs, the bottoms of my feet, my side and neck, in my arms, my hands. You were driving me crazy.94

Your fingers creeping up my spine, combing through my hair giving me chills. And then you did nothing. Like you were thinking, or wondering. I turned over in your arms to face you, our legs entwined, so naturally I hardly noticed it happened until it was done. Your fingers were curling strands of my hair around your finger, and it’s like I had never known the color of my own hair until I saw it curled around the tips of your fingers. Strawberry blond. The reflection of my eyes in yours… they were green. And you brought out the red in my cheeks. Like you are the reason I have color… That in touching you, made me exist. 95

I caressed your cheek with the back of my fingers, and in kissing you for the first time, and my lips became pink.96

“I want your hair…” You said, your eyes studying mine, “Give it to me.”97

“All of it?” I was watching your lips move.98

“Yes.” You said ever so seriously, “If you love me… you’ll shave your head.” And laughed.99

I moved a little, starting to rise. “Where are you going?”100

“I have to pee.” I laughed as I stepped off but was abruptly pulled back and thrown onto the bed as you went bounding away.101

“Not before me!” You cried, and I raced you there, only seconds late to find the door closing in my face. But I fought the door knob and opened the door, pulling you out with all my might and you clung onto the edge of the door way. And I tickled you until you were rolling on the floor.102

Suddenly your mother was walking the hallway in a vibrant fiery orange robe, this swamp monster green night cream masking her face, stepping into the bathroom rolling her eyes, “…Nutcases...” And we watched the door close with a click.103

“…” I looked at you and you stared back at me, “Way to go!” and you laughed. And then sounded your mothers voice so loud we both jumped, “WILL YOU GO AWAY!? I CAN’T PEE WITH YOU TWO JUST STARING AT THE DOOR!” and then silence. She was listening for us. “USE THE ONE DOWN STAIRS!”104

“Downstairs?” I looked at you and you jumped to your feet, and I chased you down the loud creepy creaking stairs, through the dark and to a small dingy little washroom. And yet again you closed the door on my face.105

But opened the door again, “Come in here.” You smiled, “Sit down.” gesturing to the toilet.106

“What?”107

“Do it.” You played with the button of my jeans, gently pulled down my zipper. My face was on fire. “Common.” You giggled, pulling down my pants and then my panties by the sides. And with your hands on my shoulders you sat me down. Giggled as you let your panties slink down your smooth legs, “We’re gonna pee.” You said as you climbed on my lap, facing me, your skirt covering us. And I burst out giggling with you as we could hear ourselves, peeing together.108

Tick!Tick!Tick!Tick!Tick!… I know any textbook would tell you that it’s impossible. That time does not stop, bend, slow down, or speed up for anyone. But now I am going to tell you the truth… Tick … tock…tick…tock. When I opened my eyes this morning, I thought I heard my clock ticking faster. No, I did. It was…. 109

And instead of crawling out of bed, I fell. I didn’t realize how close to the edge I was. And then I paused. With my feet still on the bed, my back flat on the floor, I suddenly realized how many birds I could hear outside and so I got up and ran to my window. Even though spring always slowly teases you until it’s finally here, it never comes as a surprise, but you know that one day when everything seems to just be there loud as a jubilee? That day would be today. 110

Everywhere was wet and dripping, the air was cool but the sun so warm. Such an amazing day! And suddenly I was dancing and pulling my clothes on at the same time. I guess that’s not very unusual in my morning routine. But usually it starts with the radio alarm turning on, but it would be a few more hours before my alarm would even go off.111

I couldn’t wait to just walk in the sun, see all there is to see and discover the strange treasures that were long hidden beneath the snow and listen to the rustling of the leaves in the tree boughs, take my first nap in the afternoon sunshine. 112

I stole up a banana without even looking to the table and raced out the door, slipped in the mud and fell splat on my ass. And sat for a moment. Ahh, the smell of fresh soil! It’s so good… I looked up to the trees above me, the boughs swirling in the sky, closed my eyes and just listened until I could feel the cold puddle soaking into my pants, when I quickly stood and continued walking. And slipped again. But this time I caught myself. I took this as a memo to take my time.113

“Are you blind?” I heard your voice laugh from within my cabin and turned around a little taken aback. Looked down at my hands and feet just to make sure I didn’t forget myself… I mean, sure it never happened before but you never know…! I stepped back in onto my welcome mat, and saw you in the distance sitting at my kitchen table chewing on a slice of apple, which sat on a small saucer before you, cut in perfect order, even peeled of its skin. I stared at your perfect posture, your thick black hair flowing down your shoulders. 114

You closed your eyes, seemingly engrossed in the piece. “So,” You swallowed, “I have a question.” You opened your eyes and ever slowly turned your head to me. I easily stepped out of my shoes and walked barefoot across the hardwood floor. Ever so seriously pulled out a chair and sat down, to rest my arm on the table, holding my chin in my hand. And that’s when I smiled, “Just one?”115

You took another slice of apple in your mouth and I watched you chew until you swallowed.116

Mmmm… I love watching your mouth… 117

And you were watching me watch your mouth.118

“…Well?” I asked as I watched your eyelashes flicker. 119

You looked at me with such an expression, it was like the words you meant to say were dubbed with these; “How about if you tell me something, … I’ll tell you something about myself.” Your voice sounded so serious it gave me chills.120

“Sure. I don’t have any deep dark secrets, so don’t set yourself up for disappointment.” I smiled but you paused and that was what told me, it wasn’t what you wanted to know… it’s what you were going to tell me. My stomach twisted when I saw the way you stole you eyes from me, I didn’t know why I was feeling so strongly, but every queue hit me like nails from a gun. And suddenly the birds were quiet, the light no longer shining. There was just you.121

I took up the small pile of apple skins and took a bite to distract myself. 122

Your face expressions are so precise to how you are feeling, and what you’re thinking, it’s entertaining to watch, normally. But this was just dismal. “Okay, no, I just want to know something… if you did notice…” Your eyes studied my walls, countertops and then your golden square plate. Your eyes shifted suddenly to a little thing sitting on my windowsill. A clay bowl filled with a collection of treasures… a discarded cocoon, stones, rings, strange shaped small pieces of wood. A bottle cap. Some shells. This which should have made you smile like it normally would, instead made you all the more anxious.123

I simply chewed, swallowed and took another bite. 124

And then it dawned on me, kind of dizzying as it flashed in my mind.125

I wish I could have focused on how your darkness contrasted so excellently with my vibrant home. How it made you stick out like you were the one color in a gray and white picture. You, cut out of your orderly, cool, calm darkness and serenity and placed here in the noise and extreme. On alien grounds, and yet... You fit, just so perfectly. Sort of like the morbid beauty and perfection of a rose before a grave stone. And in the hand of a lover. Hmmm… Okay it distracted me for a moment.126

“I couldn’t sleep, I have these nightmares almost all the time. You’d think they would go away… But of course not.”127

Oh god please stop talking please stop talking… My brain felt like it was going to explode. My face felt so stiff and heavy. I held my face in my hands, I didn’t want to look at you anymore. And you did stop. Oh, The image of you…when I saw you through the window that fall morning… that scar on your midriff. Oh god… Please let me be wrong… I kept seeing that image of you that came into my mind that day, sitting at the table with your family. Imagining you with a little baby in your arms… Reaching out a tiny little hand to your nose, wiggling those tiny fingers… Over and over and over. Until it seemed to suck into darkness and the little one turned to grey. The eyes to black. Blood running down its pudgy little cheeks… A wrenched whine echoing in my mind.128

“Are you still there?” You asked so softly like we were on the phone and I fell silent. I lifted my face, which was surprisingly hard and I looked you in the eyes. “You look like your begging me for something.” You said and I forced a smile but it died. The whine echoing in my ears again. It just wouldn’t stop.129

“I am. I always am…” But this was different. So different.130

“…” You shook your head, “There’s no point, you already know. If you could see the way you’re looking at me right now...” “…It was a million years ago.” You continued hastily, “I was raped, the kid would have been-“131

“Get out.” I said almost impatiently.132

You gaped at me like I was a hallucination, “…What?”133

“How could you!?” I screamed, It was like my brain flew out the window, “Get out- get out- get out- get out!!” I paused, “You fucking murderer!” Did I just say that?134

It was horrible, your eyes filled with these huge tears but they didn’t even fall down your face. It was like cartoon eyes that simply just flood themselves. You took off so fast you ran straight out of your fancy little shoes. And even after you had long flew through my door, your cute little shoes just stood there abandoned. It was like you were still standing there… I just stared at them. And even though I was about to fall into hysterics, my face stinging with tears… I was suddenly calm. I stood from my chair. Sank to the floor. Curled my arms around my knees. And just... Disappeared.135

I told you not to quote me on that. Humans will be humans… I can’t resist my own nature. I’m a bleeding heart, what can I say. How could someone kill her own little baby? I was feeling so sick inside, so confused. In my mind’s eye just staring at a little fetus just floating in my brain, looking like some kind of amphibian with pink translucent flesh. Her tiny heart just pounding away.136

…I opened my eyes, “What did I just say?” I got to my feet and tore through the field; I could see you in the distance crossing the bridge. I passed the blood speckled stones where you tripped from running and cut open your knees.137

I called your name so loud I could feel the sound vibrating in my chest, and followed almost in union was a loud strange noise. You turned around. 138

But I wasn’t there.139

But then you realized.140

Neither was the bridge. 141

The wind whipping through my hair, the earth cold, wet. My fingers were going numb, my grip slipping from the edge of existence. 142

And I never felt so soft. So safe. I heard the crack of the bridge finally hitting the rocks and river below. Mmmm, it was so damn tempting… 143

Kind of like staying in bed an extra few hours cozy in your blankets on those winter mornings. Like the spring wind combing through the new thick lush spring grass. Like the clicking docks of summer time... To let go. Tempting as the waking waters, shimmering on a starry night, calming like slow drifting clouds in a blue afternoon sky… Like deep mud puddles for the jumping. Tempting as the rain. To drop everything. To fly out the door and dance with the lightning and the thunder.144

Such beauty and wonders that led me to the cliffs. Such temptations that led me to… To you. 145

I had long lost the feeling in my hands within the minutes or seconds before you came running to the ledge. I woke from my dreams to your teary eyes, your screaming mouth. Not hearing the words you called so desperately. No I couldn’t hear you over the wind. I couldn’t focus with the wet dirt that kept falling in my eyes. The fresh wet dirt that smelled just so good to me not even an hour ago. I was blinded by it. But I could see that face of yours in my mind. And in seeing it I realized you were reaching for me, but the distance too far. Oh the terror in your eyes…146

The rock I clung to with my left hand fell loose, but without a thought I snapped hold of the protruding tree root right next to it. How the heck did I manage to grab on in the first place I have no idea. It just… Happened. 147

With my eyes stinging I looked back up to you, to what you were doing. Screaming…crying. You lost your wit. And what were you telling me? It suddenly clicked. “I can’t reach you! Oh my god, I can’t reach you! I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry. Oh my god, don’t let go, please!” You were apologizing? I acknowledged that with such calmness. You sounded so pathetic. You were apologizing like you were giving up on me, believing you were incapable. “Say something!” You cried in hysterics. As strange as it is, for a moment there watching you freak out so hopelessly was becoming quite the entertainment. Because there was nothing I could do. Nothing mattered. I wasn’t afraid.148

“No! No I don’t want you to die!” You screamed between crying things I couldn’t hear. Finally you fought the thick satin ribbon out of your hair, tied a twig to the bottom and hung it down for me. Now you got your head on straight. I curled and grabbed my one wrist around it and clung. How you were going to pull me up with nothing to grab onto was beyond me, but somehow… you did.149

Out of sheer desperation you pulled me until I was within reach and you snapped hold of my arm, as I tore like a cat climbing out of water with the other. You dragged me a short distance from the cliff and we just sank to the ground. You were trembling so badly.150

I thought I was too.151

“Are you out of your mind? Why are you laughing?” You screamed. I was laughing? I guess I was laughing hysterically, tears streaming down my face. But once you called me on it, I stopped and just breathed. You clung onto me so tight and cried so hard I actually had to comfort you. I held you gently, kissed your brow. And we sat there in the sunshine. The bridge… no more. 152

“…I’m sorry I said what I did...” Was all I could say. 153

“I’m not fearless like you.” You said, pressing your lips to the back of my neck. Fearless?154

You confuse me…155

You confuse me! You confuse me all the time! To the point I am self conscious when I have never been. To the point I second guess myself all the time! To the point my heart breaks over the slightest shift of the axis! I even break my own heart, just thinking, over thinking, any little micro second in time. An off gesture, a movement of your face, eyes, lips… Your tone. Your mood, your energy… 156

You must understand… I have never experienced this before.157

I’ve been bold and reckless. I’ve been daring and carefree. I’ve been wild. Shameless. But I never realized just how safe I was.158

I thought the human body was just so fragile. But no. We are ridiculously resilient. It’s our hearts… They disease so easily. Decay... It’s like the hopeless spellbinding insatiable lust for misery. Like life. Death. Love is the something in between. 159

And the more I get to know you, I’m learning all the more…Which one of those three you truly are.160

I stood before my only mirror today. In the silence of my house, the noise of the outside. Long soft locks dropping to the floor bunch by bunch, in little strawberry golden swirls around my feet. The soft whisper of one snip to another. I would take hold just at the base. And cut. 161

Could you ever honestly imagine yourself doing such a thing?162

I was discovering a fear I did not know existed in me. But the fear was dying as a smile took hold of me. The smell of the outside, the life. The breeze coming in my window, softly, blowing my curtains. The soft liberated tresses slinking down my naked body. With every snip I felt this wild glee in my heart, just growing… and growing. As I was revealing… 163

Me.164

Despite any fears you may have, despite everything. I recommend this as one more experience you must know. You begin to lose the fear of whether you’re revealing a beauty or a monster. The more you see the change in the mirror… the more… you feel… apart of this world. It’s the feeling of grainy rich soil in your fingers, trickling to the ground. 165

And finally I lathered my scalp, and stared to shave. Now this. This is exhilarating. As I did this I started to sing to the rhythm of a goddess hymn, because that was precisely how I felt. That either I was becoming bosom to the supposed goddess spirit or perhaps I was becoming one myself…166

It took me hours, and at last when it was done I stared at it for a half hour, until my alarm clock radio came alive, and I danced like this until the later hours of the afternoon. 167

Soon after I found myself just standing, gazing out the window, experiencing the breeze in a way only balding men truly understand. Feeling the every current seemly so cool. And I just couldn’t stop petting my own head. It was so soft and sort of cushier then you would expect. Your head feels like it would be hard under the hair, but it’s not I tell you. It’s soft, so soft.168

I also discovered a strange long lost birthmark I have a bit above my left ear. And it felt like I was given a gift, a little surprise. And I loved it. 169

And with purpose and passion within my heart, and the red satin ribbon that saved my life wrapped and dangling from my wrist, I gathered the hair and wrapped in like a bouquet in flashy green and golden cloth.170

It was a chore to dress myself. It was summertime I just may have ran around out in the nude, sometimes I just don’t feel like wearing clothes at all. I compromised in wearing no boots. I shall feel the mud between my toes today! And I’ll consider it another of today’s great achievements. I will walk the distance, through the mud and the cold grass, through the fallen twigs and bark, over stone and bush, with this gift wrapped in my arms.171

This may seem odd to you. But next to her heart on a platter, what great gift could a woman truly give. I, in my arms, held years of my life, my history, my stories and adventures. This hair was with me consistently as my feet. All of this wrapped in a cloth, and tied with the ribbon that saved my life.172

So I stood before your door, knocked and stood waiting.173

You opened the door, and you stared like you didn’t even understand. And then you gasped. I handed you the gift and you saw it was my hair.174

“What did you do?” Your voice a little high as your mother slowly loomed from behind you with genuine curiosity. She gasped as well.175

“…I love you.” I said your name, whispering these words and I brought my head to kiss your lips.176

Your face held this bottomless stunned expression and my words did not change it, not for a second. You pulled away. You never looked more confused. It was like I had been dreaming the entire day, and it has turned into a nightmare.177

It was your turn to look upon me with a face stiffened, looking at me, your expression so suddenly dark and sickly. “I’m sorry” Was what you said to me, “I think you misunderstood…” I stepped back from you, standing again so still and yet I felt I was falling, falling, falling, falling in this downward spiral into something completely unknown. I felt the lunch I ate contemplating a rush against the current. And just so easily… I hated everything I was. I felt sick somewhere so deep in my chest. My head was heavy. You seemed to sink farther and farther away as you stood there. Until you just closed the door. Your mother just… staring at me.178

And yet… I couldn’t cry. I even wanted to, but your eyes simply refused such satisfaction. Like now I didn’t deserve it. I don’t even remember you handing back the bouquet, but it was in my arms when I discovered my feet running. 179

I felt so sick. So heavy. This…gravity…in my soul.180

What did receive my gift in the end was more divine an experience I could have ever asked for. Standing upon the cliff once again like a time that feels like years ago, releasing my prize to the wind. To be taken up, rising, falling, sinking and dancing, following the wind to the tree tops and land beyond. To the paths I have not yet discovered, to the places I shall never discover. To the nests of the birds that sing to me, into the burrow of the rabbits that steal from my garden. To be clung and sown to the soils, caught in spider webs, floating on the waters, swirling in the sun and swimming with the rapids below.181

This delight of joining and communing energy with the land had me dancing with the cloth catching in the wind as it clung to my one hand. 182

You watched as I released your ribbon to a strong gale and it was torn away, up and up into the sky. And then down it swerved, down, down curling and spiraling as it sank to the river.183

There was this vampire-like quality in the way you just appeared from behind, wrapping your arms around me so comforting. “I’m not fearless like you...” You said, pressing your lips to the back of my neck.184

“Mmmm… You confuse me.” I sighed in such a way it seduced you. Yet the conduct of it was borderline morbid. The darkness in you is saturated with sexuality.185

“I not ashamed of you… If that is what you think. What am I saying…? You don’t know how to be ashamed.” You sounded like you were smiling. Your hair whipping over our faces. “You had me stunned. And I little bit terrified.” You pet my scalp for the first time and unexpectedly couldn’t stop. And so you started planting bright red lipstick kisses all over it, and down the sides of my neck… down my nape. I turned to face you, and was surprised by the bars of eyeliner lining down your cheeks. You acted like you didn’t care, like you enjoyed looking that way. You reached your hands to my face, combing your hands so smoothly over my ears, smearing the lipstick on my scalp, dragging it down my forehead, over my face.186

“You look like… woman.” You said studying me, “Your princess hair not distracting the eyes. No, now you are just a beautiful shape… I can see your strength… Your curves. Your prefect face.” You said, your mouth so close to me. Your hands smoothing down my hips and over my waist. “You are so beautiful…” You blinked so innocently, looking to my lips, the red prints down my face led you to meet with the raw intensity of my eyes. All you could do was breathe… “Worrier…”187

The heat rising between us as the sun began to sink from the sky.188

The abrupt sound of the cloth catching the wind utterly distracted you. What I held in my hand was a folded parachute and it unleashed itself, catching the wind nearly stealing from my hand.189

“I wanted to show you something...” I told you, “You are going to do as I do, understand?” 190

Your eyes were wide with curiosity, and you nodded your head once. “Take a side.” I said as I wandered to the end of the cliff once more, and you walked with me. I brought the parachute around our shoulders, and told you to hold on tight.191

The wind trashing your hair as you stared off the edge, “What are you thinking…” You whispered, your energy towards these cliffs wholly changed. 192

“When I say… let yourself fall forward.”193

“What?” You looked at me as a huge gale came in. You asked me how I wasn’t terrified to do this after what had happened to me. I told you to never let yourself be limited by fear. “Now.” I announced, falling forward without waiting for you to make up your mind, but you trusted me. We fell forward together, held up to the cliff by the wind. 194

But it felt like we were flying.195

When I looked at you. You seemed just so… unleashed. Set free. And terrified. Searching. Your eyes no longer looked down to the river below, you looked across the way to the other cliff like you were going to reach there soon. And you started laughing. The fear washing from your face. And you never wanted to pull back. But eventually you did and we sat, our legs dangling over the edge. I was right. The fear in you was gone. Completely.196

“Have you ever done that before?” You looked at me, your hair dancing, knotting and whirling around your face. You took my hand.197

“No.” 198

You raised your eyes, “…Did you know it was going to work?” I looked back at you and smiled, held your eyes for a moment, “No.” Your smiled widened, “What? Seriously?” Chills traveled down your spine.“…Seriously.” 199

“Oh my god, you freak!” You snatched me by the back of the shirt, roughly pushing me and pulling me back several times as I laughed at you, you could so easily have thrown me off the ledge, even by accident. But we didn’t care, we have no fear. You pulled me back and then pushed me flat on my back. “Really?” You crawled on top of me, my legs still dinging over the edge.200

“Really.” I said and you kissed me.201

“Thank you…” You kissed me again so deeply, my sprit could have lifted out of me in the dream likeness of it, but no, it wanted to stay for the experience. The hairs stood up on the back of my neck. The feeling of being in your arms….202

When I first found myself… infatuated…I never really imagined I would be here with you…making you perspire… and you, doing the same to me. Never imagined the taste of your skin, nor fathom the idea I would someday feel your hair in the palm of my hand, or your shoulders, your hips… just how sweet it would be just to hold you in the silence. Never imagined you could truly be….203

I woke this morning with that feeling again. That dizzying feeling of wonder and awe of reality. Of existence. So aware of every color, every texture, every tiny detail I could have over looked for the rest of my life. Everything… was blowing my mind, and terrifying me at the same time. 204

To think of this machine I call home, soft, flesh, alive and so complex. Built by spinning life, spinning energy. And this earth… Spinning. Minuscule in this spinning galaxy, just another speck in this never-ending universe. Breathing in…breathing out. The ticking clock. Time…space. My mind spinning…spinning…spinning.205

Lying on the grass, this warm, sweet summer day, so early the sun had not yet raised in the sky. The chirping night insects in my ears like they had forgotten I had come. Unmoving for what could have been an eternity, I became a part of the ground. Became stone, earth. The grass. And felt the insects crawling upon me, and this did not bother me in the slightest. This was natural. When I discovered I couldn’t move my limbs… it was okay. I just lay, staring at the sky, the stars, feeling the morning mist, so fresh and wonderful. But something was creeping inside of me. It was this feeling of dread, dread of being swept into the sky, never able to reach the ground. But that was just when I felt my spirit cast out from my flesh, and I became the sky. The air, the water, and so huge. I was the wind. Blowing among the stars. For hours. Until I slowly sank back into my body once more, and discovered I could move.206

These feelings would never leave me again for the rest of my life.207

You lay upon your chest, when I crept in your bedroom window, your back exposed from a cocoon that was you bed sheet around your naked flesh. Last night had you conquered by this July heat, your nightgown lay discarded in a heap upon the floor.208

The softest touch grazed through your hair, down the back of your neck and chills traveled your spine. “You are like the wind.” You spoke so quietly. So sleepily. I rested my head on your back, placed a kiss on your nape. It was like kissing a ghost. This moment. Right here. You were translucent. Missing. I noticed how you clung to that small rock in your hand and I felt an ache in my chest as you seemed to fall back to sleep in my arms. 209

“No.” Was all I said, my hands caressing your arms, your sides, sinking into your sheets, and slowly stealing them away.210

You opened your eyes to me with a sleepy moan, taking hold of the sheet and you turned onto your back. I knelt over you; my knees bend either side of your hips, gently opening your hand, stealing the stone away, and placing it upon your bedside table. I guess you often contemplate the stone. Spellbound by it, and fearing it as well… I wondered if you had it on you always without my knowing. 211

I bent down into you, and kissed you the way I dreamt of from the start. Felt you move, arching your back so you may sit up. But no. No. I held you down. And watched your thinking eyes, and you accepted me….212

When I first found myself… infatuated…I never really imagined I would be here with you…making you perspire… and you, doing the same to me. Never imagined the taste of your skin, nor fathom the idea I would someday feel your hair in the palm of my hand, or your shoulders, your hips… or just how sweet it would be just to hold you in the silence. Never imagined you could truly be….213

Truly be what? …Mine? Are you?214

Sweat drew a line down your belly, your hair sticking to your forehead. Your voice sounding, your heart throbbing… Your mouth so hot. Your tongue. Your teeth. The growing delirium in your eyes. 215

You made my toes go numb… and I could see you couldn’t stop shaking... I never felt so alive. And that realization wouldn’t leave me be. The moment I saw you, I mistaken you for death when you ceaselessly emitted just so much of life. I think I had the two confused… 216

You know, I used to be able to go on days…weeks…months at a time. Never speaking out a word, merely thinking, endlessly just…thoughts. And doing. Until I met you. Never a serious moment, never tragedies. No fears. No self crippling what ifs. Never a second opinion and that was okay, I was honestly happy on my own. I don’t know how, but I guess you helped learn to become human. But all those fears I gathered along my way no longer existed. Once you reminded me I was fearless. Once I realized who you really were.217

And in a blink. The beauty of summer, was falling to the ground, leaves rising and dancing in the wind, swirling as the reached their new home sweet home. The rain hitting the roof, trickling down your window. The wind cold and strong. Stealing all the butterflies away.218

The rain has been pouring heavily all day, and I have been out in it when my feet led me to that old cliff to my own surprise. I could just barely see to the other side. 219

Do you remember the feeling of the rain upon our shoulders that day our eyes first met? Thinking of it reminded me just how to experience the rain again, how to let it seep into my soul and chill me from the inside. I know now my mistake was trying to build something so strong and unwavering when that is not the way life ever is. No, life is unpredictable and wavering, life dances in the wind and bends with all force. Nothing is left unmoved…. But we should have made another one. Another bridge. Lined it with rope. But we never did. And you changed…. Your eyes changed, Your mouth, The very way your hair blows in the wind. 220

The way you breathe…. Your darkness had transformed.221

… I found myself no longer yearning for it. That something I’ve yearned for far too long… To feel how it is to be free falling, complete and utter abandon traveling from life and maybe into that great big void of mystery known as death. No, I had this in my arms now. Now as I feel the wind and the rain in such a way I never knew. A freedom I would have otherwise never understood. But now, now it is mine. And I am free falling…222

The wind tearing at my dress, stinging my flesh. Such pressure in the air it felt like bricks until I could no longer breathe.223

And even though my body shut down before I reached the bottom, I never abandoned my body until I entirely swallowed every ounce of this last experience, never once closing my eyes… 224

Death is the one thing they can only corrupt in theory. But never can they crawl inside and destroy it with our sickness. It’s the one purity that cannot be trifled with… Sweetheart, do you remember the smell, when you take that deep breath of fresh autumn air, kicking the leaves and crunching them beneath your feet. Can you see it in your mind? It’s that smell, the smell of fallen leaves that always reminds me of you. It’s the sunshine shimmering through the waving boughs, the sounds and shadows of the rattling leaves, the cool rain of the dark autumn evenings. 225

No. No. It was you. You lost your fear. And fell so in love with death I faded in comparison. 226

And so the grass blew, rushing in the breeze, the boughs swaying, liberating their leaves to rush into the sky, and fall to the river below. Swirling slowly… Feathering through the invisible air. To land on your chest. The water noisily hurrying through your hair… A thick crimson coloring the stones, spiraling down the stream. Becoming one with the waters. The earth. Down the river, washing into the roots of trees… and down into the lake beyond… 227

And so I spread my arms… To let myself fall forward... To free fall to where you are. No… What’s the rush…? Something as inevitable as death. When I can live? Enjoy life for the every second I have left? You left me behind to the wind, the rain, the stars… Watching me from so high above, they feel like eyes. I, this minuscule little body, standing here with this… tiny pounding speck of a heart of mine.228

♥229

Her Written and Copyrighted © by Jennifer V Clancy April 2009230