Good Night


1

2

Sleep little girl, drift into the night,
the Sandman is here, so sleep tight,
his long fingers tapping,
on the cold window pane,
his eyes frosty, glinting,
like a madman insane,
with a magical flick,
he turns into dust,
and in slithers Sandman,
like a sandy gust.
3

4

Sleep little girl, drift into the night,
the Sandman is here, so sleep tight,
he shifts into shadows,
like a twisting snake,
in his eyes is a gleam,
a malice awake,
he creeps towards you,
fangs bared in a grin,
the Sandman droops down,
and bites into your skin.
5

6

Sleep little girl, drift into the night,
the Sandman is here, so sleep tight,
but your eyes are agape,
body twisting in fright,
as he gnashes his teeth,
your lips open wide,
and soon you are screaming,
yet out comes no noise,
and the Sandman is laughing,
he has stolen your voice.
7

8

Sleep little girl, sleep into the night,
the Sandman is here, so sleep tight,
he yanks your little teddy,
from under your arm,
at your crying he cackles,
says it will not be harmed,
yet he strangles its throat,
and rips it apart,
out comes not cotton,
but a bloody, beating heart.
9

10

Sleep little girl, sleep into the night,
the  Sandman is here, so sleep tight,
with his black long nails,
he tears open your mouth,
and stuffs in the heart,
till you painfully shout,
then from the shadows,
his hand brings an axe,
the silver blade glints,
and falls down with a thwack.
11

12

Sleep little girl, sleep into the night,
the Sandman is here, so sleep tight,
sleep little girl, sleep into the night,
the Sandman is here,
and he fares you good night.13

14

15


16

Author notes

Written for Angelic Dragon's contest ... My second attempt at horror and first attempt at a Horror poem!

In a list

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 54 of 54

  • DemApples
    September 5
    Edit | Reply
    awesome!


  • Awais Ahmad
    August 31

    Edit | Reply
    Awesome and scary. It is a really awesome poem. any adjective would be under estimating it so .......yeah.


  • pantsed
    August 22
    Edit | Reply
    That was really, really scary. I loved it.


  • Dark Wanderer
    August 19

    Edit | Reply
    Jeez, I've never read a poem so terrifying... I mean, sad poems, yes. Inspirational ones, yup. Love poems, most definitely. But this is the first time I've come across horror poems.

    Nicely done.


  • Lithron
    August 15

    Edit | Reply
    This is definitely not a kid's story! The wouldn't be sleeping for weeks! It is good, none the less. This is the first horror poem I've ever read, as far as I can remember, and it makes me want to read more! Sorry I can't really critique it, I'm just not that good at poetry, but good story!

    So, good job and keep writing!

    Lithron


  • Lady Eventide Greeters member
    August 15

    Edit | Reply
    Yowza! This is definitely not something you'd want to read to a kid. They probably won't be able to sleep a wink for weeks.

    I think the rhyme scheme, the repetitiveness, and the imagery really make this poem. I know I'm not one for poetry most times, but...with the way you write...I can't help but love it.

    Oh, yeah, and the horror of the moment is the main thing that makes this poem. I mean, especially with the teddy. The teddy has a heart now? Interesting... actually gave me an idea.

    Awesome poem! Sorry for not being able to give you a crit. Doesn't need one anyway.


  • Lauren Noir
    August 13

    Edit | Reply
    Ooh, I like poetry, I do!

    Rhyme isn't my thing but mostly this was very lovely. The only places that the rhyme wasn't quite on for me was stanza 4, it just didn't sit right for me, though the content was very good.

    the concept of the sandman, and you've elaborated on it beautifully. I found it very creepy, and a little unnerving so I think you achived the effect you wanted. The last line especially.

  • Adinatak
    August 10

    Edit | Reply
    Holy crap I"ve officially fallen head over heels for you! Please marry me!! My dowry can be this poem and its wonderful horrorfulness. The repetition of the first two lines of every stanza gave it the greatest effect.

    Were you trying to make me love you or was it just a splendiferous accident?


  • Lady Pixie Greeters member
    August 10

    Edit | Reply
    Yep, still one of my favorite poems
    I've read and reviewed this before... figured that I'd drop by for a second read



    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 5.


  • So Strange Greeters member
    August 10

    Edit | Reply
    This was pretty creepy... though not in an overwhelming way, but in a way that pretty much everyone can enjoy. It's a greatly written horror story without being gross or weird... though it is kind of weird in a psychotic way. I enjoyed the flow of this poem and the imagery behind it was also very good, too. I think you could easily turn this into a story of longer lengths, but since it's your piece of writing, I'll leave it up to you whether you make it longer or not.

    I especially like how each line started the same, the repetitiveness made it a bit creepier. You can easily tell who is doing the haunting and who is the person that is doing this to the girl. I think the ripping out the heart of the teddy bear was the creepiest part of all, because it was very different, and yet, it was something that I invisioned very well.

    Keep up the great work, Asfand. I enjoyed this even more than your last works that I've read. May your writing only get better and better. You aren't that old, so your writing is sure to improve, unless you stop writing. I hope it doesn't come to that.


  • Miss Recondite
    August 10

    Edit | Reply
    ...wow.

    Best poem I've read or heard in my life, and I'm serious. I guess I got a sick twist out of it somehow. You are in the finalist since you managed to get me borderline scary, which is very good.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


    • Asfand
      August 10
      Edit | Reply
      Wow. That's an AMAZING compliment, really! Thank you sooo much! I'm glad you liked this!

  • Wow, this was very very creepy! Having read another of your poems 'My crooked easel' only yesterday, I am noticing already that you have a real talent for poetry. I loved the repetition of the first couple of lines throughout the poem, it not only gave it an excellent flow but also added to the overall chill/creepiness of the poem. It really was rather scary but I still had to go back and read it a second time it was so well written. Keep up the good work, I'll be making sure I look out for a lot more of your work


    • Asfand
      August 10
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks a lot MS! I really appreciate the feedback and glad you like it!

  • Marta gold member
    August 9

    Edit | Reply
    I did read this before and he reads like a real bogey-man. Maybe, I should sleep with the light-night on. It gets creepier everytime I do read it again. Good job.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

  • Let's start with the good, The poem flowed like a clean river.I like way you put
    'Sleep little, sleep into the night, the sand man is here, so sleep tight.'
    It's a great way to add to add a beat.
    But may I ask who the sandman is. I have heard of him. It was a little gorey, but that is ok, it is a horror peom.
    Don't you think breakfast the most important meal of the day?

    • Asfand
      August 9
      Edit | Reply
      Hi theawesomegirl! Yes, yes I do! Actually I left a comment on the contest with poem title and 'I think breakfast is the most important meal of the day ... if I edit my AN now, it will ruin the fonts since I'm a free member and can't use rich fonts ... that's why I put it in a comment so you know I did read the rules!

      The Sandman is the mythical person who puts everyone to sleep at night ... I just twisted him into someone who puts you to sleep - permanently! Thanks for the comment! I appreciate it!

  • Yes, thank heavens it is morning .

    The Sun is high, and her hectic cascade of blonde hair spreads like a hallo on the soft pink linen. Her tiny bud of a mouth is creased ever so slightly while her chest raises and lowers with the beats of the heart beneath.

    A nightmare fades into the daylight. You certainly can create one —a nightmare, that is. You painted such a realistic scene with your lyrics; I had to go check on my youngest.

    I love poetry, but never seem to be able to sustain the flow of the words for any length of time. You really have a knack for that. I’m not certain how punctuation and separation works in this form of storytelling.

    Just so you know I’m working, I pointed out the few things I noticed in the text.

    the Sandman is here, so sleep tight,(.)
    (His) his long fingers tapping,
    on the cold window pane (windowpane),

    and in slithers Sandman,
    like a sandy gust. 3( sandy seems to echo)4

    Sleep little girl, drift into the night,
    the Sandman is here, so sleep tight,(.) (Each time this seems like a complete sentence .
    (He) he shifts into shadows,

    JMHO but fares doesn’t fit at the end. Not scary enough, whispers, snickers, giggles…

    This was one terrifying read, and not to repeat myself, you have a way with language .

    Query? What do you plan to do with this piece?

    Geri


  • Willowleaf-
    August 8

    Edit | Reply
    That was an amazing horror poem! It gave me the chills, especially when the sandman ripped the heart out from the teddy bear. The imagery was great in verse one, and stayed like that the whole time.

    Once again, great job! Good luck in my contest!


    • Asfand
      August 15
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you so much! The feedback means a lot to me! I'm glad you like it!


  • CheshireCat
    July 29

    Edit | Reply

    Brrr

    That scared me a lot, your work is done. The repitition really kept it going and the insanity of it made me know that the chill is not coming from ceiling fan. When I go to bed tonight I'll make sure to sleep in my bed the farthest side from the window.


  • Farhan gold member
    July 28

    Edit | Reply

    Really Awesome. I am ampressed.

    Great poem Asfand. That was really a scary poem. Your flow and rhythm and rhyme were really awesome.It is something more like a song to me.Well done dude.10/10.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.


  • Aiman Ahmad
    July 28
    Edit | Reply
    nice...I am giving you second time comment.lol

  • Ahhh! Evil Sandman!!! This was really well written and I liked how you repeated the first two lines Thanx for entering, good luck!


  • zoralielda
    July 28
    Edit | Reply
    cool poem! Keep it up!


  • IrishWyne
    July 27

    Edit | Reply
    I liked this a lot, not only did you capture my interest,but it had almost a whole story into it. I thought it was really good.
    Sounded like something I would write, or read.

    beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.


  • Miss.Tweety
    July 27

    Edit | Reply
    that's a really good good night story/lulaby
    no really, i like it a lot. i really admire your imagination. i could never write something like that. ()

    the teddy bear part is so sad
    i like it all

    keep writing

  • Lady Pixie Greeters member
    July 26
    Edit | Reply
    Now this is a great piece of poetry. With every line, I was smothered by the darkness behind the words and the creepiness of the story within it. You did a profound job of a natural flow, pattern and rhyme. I love horror poetry- and I think that this was great. It kept me entertained and captivated.

    I could feel the horror through emotion of the words from the girl. Brilliant write.

    Wonderfully dark. Two thumbs up



  • rlly great job with this.
    as i read it i started to sing it in my head with a creppy-catchy tune xD


  • Canada07
    July 26
    Edit | Reply
    Great poem, very scary. The wording is superb and really adds a lot more to it. Not a bedtime story you'd want to read to a kid.

  • you know how in almost every scary movie, theres always a creppy song that creepy chilren sing creepily? this is one of those songs that the creepy children would sing. nice jobb.

  • I gotta agree with Rorshach, this would definitely terrify children.

    I love the rythm and the idea of the sandman, I don't think I've heard of something like this yet.

    And first attempt at a horror poem, that sounds hard to believe.

    Oh well, you did a great job with it. Caught my interest and had a twisted ring to it.

    • Asfand
      July 25
      Edit | Reply
      I've always disliked very little children [except babies who are awesome!*drool*] ...very noisy! Hm, I wonder if it psychologically transcends into my fiction! My only other horror story also has a dead child!


  • Rorshach gold member
    July 24
    Edit | Reply

    This would really terrify children

    A scary poem, that used the image of the sandman very cleverly. The type of poem that will give children nightmares. Scary? Yeah, i'd say.


  • Glitflyer
    July 24
    Edit | Reply
    It is amazing! I love this.. lol.. You did well and great job!
    Keep on posting!


  • Jazzybooh
    July 24
    Edit | Reply
    It is amazing!!! I found that the wording is thorough,

    beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.


  • cole3313
    July 23
    Edit | Reply
    Wow. That was really twisted. But I liked it!

  • Oooo, very scary. Why do I always run across things like this to read just before bedtime. Grrrrr. It was definately worth the read though


  • Lekos Memory
    July 21

    Edit | Reply
    Wow this is really good for a first try on writing a horror poem. I'm impressed. Excellent words and description!!! I'm going to have to have one eye open tonight. Lol

    thank you for entering into my contest.


  • Anam Cara
    July 21

    Edit | Reply

    Amazing!

    I really loved it. I loved the way it rhymed and made sense. I also lovethe repeat of "Sleep little girl, sleep into the night,
    the Sandman is here, so sleep tight," Its great


  • Crys Moro
    July 21

    Edit | Reply
    WOW!! that was so great, I loved the rhimes and the flow, it's almost musical! Great choice of words! And great job with expressin the emotion in this.

    second attempt? hummm it sounded to me that you are a proffesional already

    keep it up!


  • Qwapple
    July 21
    Edit | Reply
    I absolutly LOVED IT!!!
    It was perfect good job Asfand!


  • Aiman Ahmad
    July 21
    Edit | Reply
    Its fantastic

  • Quite well written. Apart from the last line "the Sandman is here, and he fares you good night". I have never heard of a verb "to fare". Did you mean, "to bid" ???????

    language: 4.

  • Scarily Good!!!

    I don't even know if 'scarily' is a word. But seriously, it was enchanting and frightful. Well done!!!


  • FkaFatima
    July 21
    Edit | Reply
    Likey Likey
    Great beginning and creepy ending!! Nice

  • Marta gold member
    July 21
    Edit | Reply
    I'm sleeping with the lights on. Good poem.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.

  • Creepy But, Good

    It was very creepy & I liked how you start off gentle, slowly making him appear in the fearful monster he really is. Showing one by one each terrifying feature of him. Also, how you're repeating over and over,
    "Sleep little girl, sleep into the night,
    the Sandman is here, so sleep tight"

    I can picture how twisted it is. I see the girl and an invisible narrator saying those lines as the horrific creature enters the room of the serene little girl in bed & then, suddenly starts to attack her (& the teddy bear).

    But, since you said "sandman" I thought maybe it would have been better if the creature would slash out & steal her eyes instead. Leaving her sightless & now sleeping for all eternity.

    The sandman we knew peacefully comes into a room & soothes us to sleep with, I think is sand in our eyes? ; ?
    And this could have been what REALLY happens. He rips her eyes out. That's how the sandman "puts people to sleep."

    Well, overall I liked the story. =)
    Great job.
    7/10 = Good


  • Pacific Sky
    July 21

    Edit | Reply

    OMGSH!!

    That scared the CRAP outta me! i was like.. aww sleep little girl..awww but u sure surprised me.. darn.. warn next time if its scary stuff or stories cuz im seriously bad with scary stuff. probably gonna hav a nightmare. T.T buut seriously dude 10/10 for that! Goodluck


  • lil.janie
    July 21

    Edit | Reply
    WOW. This is so good. Horror song... So dark and so fluent, so.... I have no words to say how much I find it enchanting. Please make some more, please, please...

  • CREEPY.
    very good attempt, I think you succeeded!


  • Siby Anan
    July 20

    Edit | Reply
    What an amazing read!
    Great use of repetition and recurring rhyme scheme. Though, my favorite had to be the meter, because the beats would make every line more thrilling

  • I liked it form the most part.
    It started of as a flowing poem and turned more into a poem of prose in my eyes.
    You told a story within lines of poetry and that is something I really like to read because you get the sense of short quick scenes flashing through your mind, but the overall emotion and atmopshere still speaks and sparkles.
    Brilliant topic... yummy read ^^ I loves to read horror and especially Horror poetry.

    Good Luck with the contest Asfand ;]
    Blair

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