*The prologue*1
The rain had startled me.2
I didn't mind the wet much, but I knew my twin brother did.3
"Aww, shit!" he grumbled as he was starting to get soaked.4
I rolled my eyes, "C'mon, there's shelter over there." I pointed towards an abandoned shack just a few yards from the main road. 5
We walked together toward it, along with our little brother, Christian.6
"Oliver, where are we going?" He asked.7
"Um, I'm not sure. Ask Benny." Oliver winked at me.8
I sighed. "Well, first we're getting out of this rain so Oliver doesn't end up crying, then we're going to meet up with Krista, Dominic, and Brandon."9
Christian nodded, seeing no harm in what we were doing, or about to do. He stuck out his left hand and I held it. He seemd to not be getting out of this habit.10
Oliver patted Christian's back, distrating him, "Guess what, kid?"11
"Mwhat?" Christian mumbled softly.12
"Your birthday's commin' up! Haha," Oliver opened his mouth widely, showing his tongue peircing, "What are you gonnna want to do?"13
"Um..." The boy was lost in thought. "I'm turning seven, right?"14
Oliver nodded.15
"Oh, okay then..."16
We had reached the shack, which cut the conversation short. It seemed to be locked, but I knew no one was in it. So I ended up taking the door off its hinges with no trouble at all. 17
"Wow..." Christian fantasized. It was a moment, of silence as we walked in. "Benny?" he asked.18
"Yeah?"19
"How did you do that?"20
I would have not creep the poor boy out now, "Practice," I answered non-chalently.21
He was confused. He knew no one could do that without hurting something, or at least someone mortal.22
Oliver hurried over and grabbed him by the shoulders playfully. "All right, kid. Back to birthday plans."23
I quickly muttered, "thanks" and wandered off arounf the small shack. It seemed big and homely. I didn't like it though, not one bit. I sense other presence here, and it smelled raw. I focused really hard on what it was.24
Something had broken my concentration, it had come from outside. I heard tires screeching and then a big explosion. I ran out to the living room in two seconds flat. Oliver's mouth was wide open and Christian quickly held his hand.25
I went back out to the rain, followed by my brothers. And I saw that two cars had crashed into each other head on.26
I quickly ran to one of the burning cars, which was a Chevy Malibu. Inside was an old figure of one of them. But it was burning. Nothing could kill them. All of a sudden, it disappeared from my sight. No where to be seen.27
I grumbled, and shifted to the next car where Oliver was already pulling out bodies.28
It was a couple, a man and a woman. Both had perished quickly.29
"They're gone," he whispered.30
"I know," I said, "Get Christian."31
Oliver had left our little brother on the porch crying. He decided to call '911' and then go inside.32
I walked away slowly from their. Something was up about that oouple, and I didn't know what it was. They were not supposed to die. But one of them had got to them, which ment something. But I didn't know what is was. It wasn't understandable. Could that couple have had children? Or a child?33
My mind had been free thinknig as I watch the two vehicles burn.34
Then Oliver came with the cell phone, nothing said. 35
"Hello?" I answered.36
"We're ready," Krista said on the other line.37
"All right," I breathed, and then hung up.38
I left the collision with Oliver and Christian. A concentrated face was planted on me, I was still thinking.39
"What's wrong?" asked Oliver.40
I shook my head and look straight ahead, wiggling my lip ring.41
*Chapter, one*42
Two weeks after my parents death at an immidiete car crash, I had settled in with my godmother, Rosa. Who was my mother's best friend.43
I admit, my life completly changed and I was no longer the same. I don't wake up to my mother opening the curtains in the morning for me. Instead, I wake up to the sound and smell of Rosa attempting breakfast.44
I walked in the kitchen, fatigued.45
"Mornin' sweety," she greeted.46
One of my eyes weren't even opened yet. "Morning," I mumbled.47
Rosa placed eggs and ham in front of me in a saucered plate. The steam of the plate surrounded my face, wakng me up completly. It smelled delicious.48
I ate slowly, thinking about the start of school. Oh gosh, the beginning of high school was only a week away. I groaned and accidently smacked my face with my right palm.49
"You okay?" asked Rosa who took a seat by me. Her dining table was ment for four people, so with two, it looked kind of wrong.50
I nodded, not wanting to talk, and took a mouthful of my food.51
Rosa gave me a warming smile. She was so kind and motherly to take me in, no wonder I didn't go live with my relatives in Nevada. Appleleaves, California was perfect for me in every way. And it was just and hour East of Sacremento.52
"Today, let's go shopping for school, sound fine?" She smiled.53
I returned the gesture. I knew Rosa was desperatly trying to get me back to the person I used to be. But I didn't want to show her the her feeble attempts were useless. I wasn't the same after my parents just friggin' died.54
My throat got tight, so I swallowed. "That'd be fun," I choked out.55
"Great," she looked down at her food and took a bite. "I just have to call in sick at work."56
"Rosa-" I didn't want her to miss work for me, but she cut me off.57
"Elaine," she stopped and remember I like to be called by my nickname, "Ellie," she cleared her throat. "This is something I want to do for us. Besides, it's been a slow summer, Brigs won't be needing me."58
Rosa had been working at Brigs Hotel for as long as I can remember. It was a pretty fancy hotel, even the check-in ladies made quite the salary. Rosa was a maid, she cleaned the rooms, folded towels, and what-not.59
"All right," I humphed and finished my breakfast.60
I stood up and washed my dish. When I was done, I turned to see Rosa talking all funny and crackily over the phone.61
"Uh huh....yeah....I'm so sorry...I promise to get well soon....okay....bye." Rosa had diguised her voice so well, she was so convincing, like a child.62
She winked at me as she clicked, "Go get dressed."63
I was impressed, she was a good actress.64
I smiled to myself, something I really didn't do much anymore, and walked upstairs.65
Author notes
I KNOW THE PROLOGE IS LONGERRR BUT I AM NOT FINISHEDD. ( i got way too lazy to finish editing chpater one
) btw the prologue is through Benny's point of view and the chapter one is through Ellie's.
Jsyk.
Comments
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I remember reading this
though the prologue is confusing to me ... but thats because i'm slow :] you can explain it to me next time you see me haha GOOOODDD STORRYYYYY


beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Pretty cool, and i think it hooks the reader in effectively as a prolouge, im definatly interested in reading more. You're very creative, and im sure you read alot because you know how to draw a reader in.
The biggest downfall is simply spelling and grammar (easily fixable though, haha.
a couple awkward phrases that stand out are...
"I would have not creep the poor boy out now"
and
"I sense other presence here, "
theres also a few parts where you seem to misuse words or might be able to find a better substitute, crack open a thesaurus, a story like this would be a great time to expand your vocab a bit.
Are you going to give us some more character description in chapter one? (I know it might not be what you wanted in the prolouge.)
Pretty good though, and your dialouge seems pretty realistic/flows well, you seem to be pretty socially observant.
keep writing! Ill follow this if you want more help
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Cool. Now can you help me with those errors ._. ?
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