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I sit upon this bench, not knowing how I am suppose to deal with this. Once again I am here, a place that I never thought I'd see again until the loss of someone was me, yet sadly, I am here once again to see the viewing of another friend, and this death has been more devastating than any of the other deaths I have ever endured... here is my story... here is the sad truth of being left behind.3
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Doug was such a wonderful friend of mine. He attended the same elementary school as I and always treated me like I was someone special. He was very energetic and sweet, it didn't surprise me that he had a girlfriend as we entered high school... what I didn't ever expect was what would happen just a few years later.5
Doug and I had different classes and not having even ONE class together the only time I saw my beloved friend was in the hallways and when I went to go see his sister. He had a biological sister Patti, who I befriended in middle school as we shared the same band class together, and a half sister Sarah... He was the oldest, and he was the only son, his mother just adored him.6
Doug was not popular, he didn't do any special athletic or social events, he didn't do anything in high school that made him stand out or become someone "special" ... but he was special to me, out of all my friends, I could relate very well to the way he dealt with pain, more than any other friend I've had. But I never realized how deep and damaging his pain was... and I discovered just how devastating it was, in such a tragic way...7
Things started changing during his senior year, my junior year. He was one year ahead of me in high school and right after the break up with his girlfriend, he decided to quit school, the decision was shocking, and thats when things with Doug started changing... 8
He wasn't so full of life anymore. He got back together with his girlfriend and his whole world evolved around her. His friendship and kindness to me never altered, however, I could see a change in Doug, one that worried me, he reminded me so much of my best friend Vicki, who died in a car accident just two years ago, She use to be so full of life, and then became depressed, to the very end of her days.9
I pushed the thought of Doug being depressed in the back of my mind. I was selfish, I forced myself into denial, I did not want to think that I had another friend spiraling down a tragic path of depression and darkness, no friend wants to see their friends in pain, and like a fool I pretended that everything with Doug was fine.10
Back in February of this year (2005), His sister, Patti, wrote me a note, I'll never forget what it said:11
Sara,12
My brother tried to kill himself yesterday, Popsie found him in the kitchen floor in a pool of blood, apparently he tried to slit his wrist after his girlfriend broke up with him. He was rushed to the ER, and he is now in a mental health facility for 90 days in Ada.13
Love you,14
Patti15
The denial that Doug was fine faded fast, a watery substance formed in both of my eyes, and I was slapped with reality that my friend was in trouble, I could never more deny that my friend was in pain, his depression made him think and act on a devastating action that I, myself, had thought of succeeding in.16
Three months later, I seen my dear friend in the hallway near the high school cafeteria, my heart leaped, I went from walking with a fellow friend, to running up and hugging him, I was so happy to see Doug once again, I confronted him about his suicide attempt, without hesitation, he nodded his head and showed me his long vertical scar upon his left wrist... My eyes will never forget the shear pain in seeing that.17
I hugged him once again and told him he was not alone, since he showed me his deep scar of torment, I showed him my many yet shallow scars of pain that I, myself, had done as well. He looked at me and we both were on the verge of crying, he promised me that he would call me if he needed me, and I, myself made the same promise... neither one of us stood true to that pact.. I regret it now and I will regret it forever.18
Summer came, very uneventful for me. I hardly saw my friends and my family was constantly on my back about anything and everything... whatever they thought was valid to scream at me about, I would be the person to place blame upon. I felt like killing myself, each time I saw my mother I would turn my head away in disguist, it was amazing just how shallow she was about others' feelings... especially mine.19
There were times I thought about calling Doug, but his girlfriend came back into his life and he seemed so happy, I didn't see why I should call and ruin his happiness, He sounded so happy the last time I talked to him before summer began, I was happy that happiness and love found him, he deserved it, despite my feelings about his girlfriend, I hated her --- but I never told Doug this, she had his heart, he was happy with her, and so, I was happy for them.20
In Early August, it was a Thursday Afternoon, I'll never forget it, I was at my biological mom's house when I get a phone call from Patti, Doug's sister, on my mom's cell... the conversation was four minutes long, but it was the most devastating four minutes of my life...21
Sara, Its Patti, I can't talk long but I just called to tell you that Doug killed himself last night, he got a gun and shot himself in the face... it was over that girl (meaning his girlfriend)22
Those words took only 20 seconds for her to say, but the world stopped, and I can't remember how I went from the living room to the bathroom but it took all my strength not to break down while talking to his sister, also my very dear friend, for she didn't need the extra drama and pain she was already enduring and no doubt feeling...23
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And now, here I am, at the funeral parlor three days later, facing a casket once again to say farewell to a friend I loved, will always love and now miss. I place my hand on his casket, and I know his body is in there, the casket is closed, which I expected, after hearing the catastrophic damage that the gun did to his face.25
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Unlike Megan's viewing, also closed casket, I did not wish to open his case and see the devastation done to what use to have the gorgeous smile of my childhood friend. I longed so much to see him just one more time, to tell him how sorry I was, to hug him for as long as it would have took to make him feel the love and happiness that he should have always felt, to give him my shoulder to cry on, to turn back time and somehow seen the warning signs that I didn't realize until now... but I can't and it devastates me.27
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I don't know how I will get through his death, but I'll get through it. Ever since I have learned of his death, his face, his suicide, his obituary, his pain and smile has haunted my dreams. The grief and feelings of losing him will never go away nor heal... and it is because I was left behind that I will feel such pain, it is because I was a fool that I lost him, and it is because of the harsh lesson in facing his suicide that has saved me from mine.29
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--- Sara D Williams 
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Adding your comment:
This is a very sad story and I hope that you will be OK. Very well written I liked how you explained everything so that we understood properly what had happened I really wish you the best and hope that you will be OK 
Jenn
