Undead Friendships1
Chapter 12
The first thing Monica saw out the window of her taxi was her house, she still didn’t know what had possessed her in the first place to look at it, much less buy it. With ivy crawling up the worn brick, and tall trees shading the yard, it was beautiful. The real estate agent had called it the Joseph house. Stepping out of it Monica’s waist-length brunette hair whipped in the wind. Today she had decided to wear a pair of jeans and a flannel shirt.Just in case there was a lot of dust and cobwebs in the house.3
“Ugh, do the taxis keep getting smaller or do I keep getting bigger?” a smiling man with an impressive girth, and a balding head stepped from the taxi.4
“Sorry Dad, I think the taxis are getting smaller, too bad for you,” Monica said with a grin. Dad didn’t say anything just winked at her and went to get the bags from the trunk.5
“Missus, I don’t drive for free,” the cab driver said.6
“I didn’t think you did, but I once had a cabby drive off with my luggage,” she leaned on the window and said, “what’s the damage?” The driver just smiled and said “Million bucks and a kiss.”7
“Well that’s a pretty steep price, I guess I’d better sell the house,” she replied jokingly. The cab driver was smiling now, and trying unsuccessfully at being bashful, “Not even a smooch on the cheek for the road?”8
“Sorry, fresh out of smooches, kisses, and/or cookies,” she replied her face not showing her amusement. The driver saw right through her facade and they had a staring contest, trying not to be the first one to laugh. Then they both broke out into laughter at the same time.9
“Twenty-six dollars and fifty cents,” he said with teary eyes after they had recovered. Monica counted out the price and when she put it in his hand, she reached over and put a soft kiss on his cheek.10
“Have a nice day,” she said at she pulled herself out of the cab’s window.11
“Done sucking face?” her dad said, eyes twinkling. Then he offered her a hand full of luggage. She dug a key out of her pocket and then transferred the luggage from him to her. He then began whistling Mozart’s Death March on the walkway in front of the Joseph house.12
“Very funny, now let's see what I bought,” she proclaimed. Sliding the key in the keyhole and hearing a click as she turned the tumblers.13
Author notes
Please tell me what is wrong with it, I know something is. And even if you don't see any major errors, please let me know if you don't like something.
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Comments
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coooooooooooooooooooooool
cooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooolbeginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Hello, watchamacallit-gurl. Welcome to Storywrite.
I think this is a good beginning for a story, especially for a sixteen year old. I would like to see the story become more developed, which I'm sure you will more than do in the chapters ahead.
I think, in this chapter, that it would do best with some length, so we can see the characters more clearly, understand their situation, and know more about the house where they're going to be living at.
I would like to see where you go with this. As is, you can pretty much go in any direction. I don't know why, but I imagined this was in the early 20th century.
Excellent beginning. I can't wait to see where you go! Welcome to Storywrite!
Lady E,
Greeter
***
Suggestions:
Par 3: The first thing Monica saw out the window of her taxi was her house, [.] she [She] still didn’t know what had possessed her in the first place to look at it, [del: comma] much less buy it. With ivy crawling up the worn brick, and tall trees shading the yard, it was called the Joseph house. [Is it called the Joseph house because of ‘ivy crawling’ and ‘tall trees’? This sentence indicates such.] Stepping out of it [,] Monica’s waist-length brunette hair whipped in the wind. Today she had decided to wear a pair of jeans and a flannel shirt. [When you describe, especially clothing, it would be best to have a reason for dressing a particular way.]
Par 4: “Ugh, do the taxis keep getting smaller or do I keep getting bigger?” a smiling man with an impressive girth, [del: comma] and a balding head stepped from the taxi.
Par 5: “Sorry [,] Dad, I think the taxis are getting smaller, [.] too [Too] bad for you,” Monica said with a grin. Dad didn’t say anything [,] just winked at her and went to get the bags from the trunk.
Par 7: “I didn’t think you did, but I once had a cabby drive off with my luggage,” she leaned on the window and said, “what’s the damage?” [“I didn’t think you did, but I once had a cabby drive off with my luggage.” She leaned on the window and said, “What’s the damage?”] The driver just smiled and said [,] “Million bucks or a kiss.”
Par 8: “Well [,] that’s a pretty steep price, [.] I guess I’d better sell the house,” she replied jokingly. [Start another paragraph here.] The cab driver was smiling now, and [del: and] trying unsuccessfully at being bashful, “Not even a smooch on the cheek for the road?”
Par 9: “Sorry, fresh out of smooches, kisses, and/or cookies,” she replied solemly [solemnly]. Too bad [del: ‘Too bad’ start with ‘The driver’] the driver saw right [del: right] through her facade and they stared at each other [,] trying not to be the first one to lauch [launch?]. Then they both broke out into [del: into] laughter [laughing] at the same time.
Par 10: Monica counted out the price and [,] when she put it in his hand, she reached over and put a soft kiss on his cheek.
Par 11: “Have a nice day,” she said at [as] she pulled herself out of the cab’s window.
Par 12: Then he offered her a hand full [handful] of luggage. /He then began to whistle [whistling] Mozart’s Death March on the walkway in front of the Joseph [del: Joseph, since it’s clear where they are] house.
Par 13: “Very funny, now lets [let’s] see what I bought,” she proclaimed. Sliding the key in the keyhole and hearing a click as she turned the tumblers. [“Very funny! Now let’s see what I bought,” she proclaimed, sliding the key in the keyhole and hearing a click as she turned the tumblers.]
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